Visions into my Thoughts

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[strictlyteeds]

My dear Nancy,

So I was talking to Thu about you, when I miss you a lot I usually hit her up and we talk about you. She being your best friends whenever she says things to me about us. I know it’s true because Thu doesn’t fake the funk. She let me know she used a picture of us for my contact in her phone. Made my heart melt hearing that. Tells me that she still sees us as a great couple that she uses it for when I reach out to her. She gets to see a picture of me, but more importantly a picture of you. Love you lots and miss you! 😘

[strictlyteeds]

I try not to compare you to the other women I date. But it's just so hard when you set such a high bar of what I should expect from the woman I love. Mary was very close, but she is much more self centered then I like in my women. She has some generous qualities about her. But, no one has a heart like you my Nancy.

I don't expect to find anyone like you, just women to make some memories with while I am still here on this earth. I live my life to the fullest and I just let life flow. Just like you taught me all those years ago! I will continue to drive myself in my career, god you would be so proud of me. I'll continue to life my life the best I can until the day comes you and I will be reunited. Love you forever my angel.

[strictlyteeds]

The thing about trying to be a functional person with anxiety and depression is you never know when it’s gonna hit. One day you’re normal and then things happen and you try and overcome them. Then you go through these phases of hope, happy, motivated, lonely, unmotivated, sad, etc.

Doesn’t help that no one gets me and I am trying so hard to fix myself. I find joy in trying to be there for people, but again, it feels like I’m left alone when I need someone there for me.

I don’t reach out because I feel like a burden to people. People have their lives and their own things they have to deal with. I’m just one less person to add to the weight of their world.

I try to tell myself I’m strong on my own, I’ve been doing it on my own. But I know when someone comes into my life and they show me any sign that they want to be there for me. I overwhelm them and they end up leaving.

I saw Matthew Perry passed away today in his hot tub alone in his large mansion. I don’t have a mansion, but I do feel like when it does end. It will end with me being alone.

[strictlyteeds]

To my Baby

I remember the day we were debating on getting you. I had seen a picture of you, but I wasn’t really sure. This is how I always have been, just always calculating all the possibilities to see which decision is the right one.

This was the first time I just said fuck it, Universe says you are the right dog for me.... I’ll roll with this.

After your first mom and I thought of a list of names. We came down to three, I didn’t know which one was yours until I saw you. From the first moment I held you and looked in your eyes. I knew you were my little Misty.

I remember the first few weeks with you were tough. Jen wanted to give you back because you were always crying. Eventually you started to get comfortable around us. Jen and Serenity would end up leaving, but at this point the road ahead was with you and me my baby.

Over the next 12 years you would become my best friend. I wake up in the morning and you are there, I come home from a late night out or even a long trip. There you are...

You saw me grow from an entry level help desk tech, to an extremely talented engineer. It wasn’t always fun, but you were there, sitting next to the dinner table as I grinded away.

Your first mom was Jen, then you met Nancy and Mary. There is a good chance you met the three “loves of my love”.

I was 28 when I first met you my baby, and I am 41 on the day I had start my life without you. You were the best, and I am glad you were there to see me grow. 

[strictlyteeds]

6 months ago, I listened to this song over and over again. Each night I was picking myself back up piece by piece. With each individual piece of myself I picked up. I realized what I did right, instead of all the things I felt I did wrong. Now…. I’ve put enough of myself back together to realize what you have lost in me, and what I didn’t lose when you walked away. 6 months ago I was in my pain. Today I am in my goals.

[strictlyteeds]

So I was at my boys house hanging out with my normal peeps.

My boy’s daughter decided to come and sit with me while I was watching the UFC fight. She got as close to me as possible and wanted me to move my arm so I was holding her with one arm.

Everyone saw this and right away started talking about how I don’t always get close to kids and how I was comfortable with their kid being close to me. I’ve been seeing Luna, my friends daughter, a lot over the last year.

I outgrew wanting and being good around kids for over ten years now. When I decided I don’t think I wanted kids, I kinda grew distant from them. When kids got older and I started to respect them I would engage with kids. But when it comes to little kids, I have rarely tried to open up to them.

Yesterday felt different and I wasn’t gonna just push a kid away from me if they are wanting to be close to me. Not saying I am wanting kids now, but I think I’m changing into a better person now. 

Someone broke me bad yet again, but I feel like as I am rebuilding myself again this time. I want to rebuild myself a little differently.

[strictlyteeds]

I’m hoping last night was the final night you are in my dreams. In my dreams I was at your house asking you to tell me to leave your life. You were lolly gagging around saying it. But eventually I got you to say it in my dream just like in real life.

Hoping this now means the version of you that is in my head that makes me dream of you has now left my life so I can fully move on from you.

[strictlyteeds]

I wish days like this didn’t exist. The days I feel like I wish I didn’t exist.

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I honestly hoped you would have reached out to say happy birthday to me. I don’t even know if you remembered it was my b day. I wonder if you did remember, if you would have allowed yourself to think of me. It’s sad how much it would have meant to me if you did say happy bday to me. I don’t care who or how many people say it to me. When you said it, it meant the world to me.

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Revisiting this time 2022

I tried so hard to let this last weekend, be a normal super bowl weekend. It was far from it.

I looked at our boarding passes from our trip last year this time to celebrate my bday. I honestly was so excited to spend my 40th bday in Vegas with you and we were just gonna do everything to have a blast.

Vegas was so much fun, this was really the Vegas trip that got me hyped to the idea of partying all through Friday night into Saturday morning. We ate, drank, and partied to celebrate but the best was yet to come.

This particular trip, hanging out at the airport was the best part of the trip. We did our normal thing of getting there early and playing some games and chilling. I remember waiting for you to be done with the bathroom at some seats close to our gate. You came back with a bag full of things for me. A shot glass, ashtray, and flask all matching for my b day. Wasn’t the most thoughtful gift anyone has gotten me. But I knew you tried your best given the limited options at the airport.

We got on the plane, first class seats of course because it was my 40th!! We sat down just in time for me to start watching the Super Bowl. I was so excited about the trip I completely forgot it was super bowl weekend until we got on the plane. 

To be honest, this best super bowl I have ever had, and I have had many super bowl parties in my life. It was perfect with our chips and sandwiches for dinner. You were watching a movie or something, and I was heavily invested in watching Joe Burrow and Jamar Chase do the impossible. 

Talk about the best Super Bowl? The halftime show was fucking epic!! Dr Dre, Eminem, 50 cent, snoop, Kendric, and a tribute to my guy Pac. I remember just me and everyone on the plane jamming to the half time show. You looked at my screen and kept looking. I reached over to your screen and I set it to the Super Bowl for you to watch and hear on your screen and headphones.

For that one moment, I felt like I complemented you, just as you complemented me. We would have some other moments like that. But, that was the moment I fell in love with you Mary. That is why this weekend is so hard, this weekend wasn’t just my 40th b day. It was the first moment I fell in love with you and told myself I was gonna spend this year making her the happiest woman I could.

But this is also why it hurts so much. 

[strictlyteeds]

This world wasn’t meant to have someone like me

I mean it seems simple, someone does something for you and you appreciate it and hope you can return the favor. Today’s world isn’t that simple. Everyone just wants to take for themselves and disregard anyone ever did anything for them.

Someone once told me that they didn’t ask me to do the things I did for them. When I first heard that, my initial reaction was that you didn’t ask. But you told me what you wanted and I was determined to give it to you. When I think about it after a bit of time, she was right. She didn’t ask me to do any of the things I did for her. I shouldn’t have done them in that case.

That right there is what I need to fix about myself. Being careful of being there for others when they ask and don’t even think about doing anything for anyone when they don’t ask for it.

I live in a world where everyone will take and get what they can, but rarely want to give back. I always said that I only loan money to people when I don’t expect them to pay it back. I never ask for my money back, only back when I was dealing drugs and I fronted the drugs I ever asked for money back.

I need to do the same with my actions and what I give to people. I need to start giving what I am comfortable not getting back. Sadly, this will mean I give much less then everyone I know has expected from me. But I need this, I need to fix me. I need to not do so much knowing that I won’t ever get the same energy back.

[strictlyteeds]

I wish I had the ability to be more heartless. Living with an overthinking mind and a heart that can be so heavy it feels like a ton of bricks I have to lift up to try and be normal for the day.

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I guess my closure goodbye tour continues. I can’t help but think of you and our trip to Europe as I lay here in DC where we had our layover before the most exciting trip of our relationship.

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As I’m leaving Las Vegas from this amazing trip to bring in the new year. I can’t help but think about how I was able to see some of the places we had gone to when we would take our Vegas trips.

As I walked by these places we made memories. I took it as an opportunity to say good bye to all the good memories we had.

Some things had changed, like the Zeus machine got changed out for one of those rags to riches games at the airport. Kinda sucks, I was hoping to play that exact machine one last time to see if I would get lucky.

Saying good bye to the memories gives me the closer I never got from you. I never got a reason why you treated me the way you did or why you didn’t want to fight for me after all I did to make you happy.

As I watched my friend and his girlfriend interaction. I couldn’t help but wonder how different we were. I really did feel like we were taking it slow and giving each other space to continue to grow.

The memories were amazing and you have always been good to me Vegas. This most likely will be the last time I come out here that isn’t for def con. But I’m so glad I got to make some incredible memories here over the years.

[strictlyteeds]

❤ thankful she came into my life.

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I miss you more than you know....

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Finally a video with the lyrics to this whole song. ❤️

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The Vikings won a big game today, I was able to lock down reservations at the Ceaser palace buffet for our New Year’s Eve dinner.

Fate has a funny way of throwing you a few things to bring you joy when you need it the most. She might have hurt me and made things hard lately. But life is always coming through.