On all levels except physical I’m 6’3

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@strikier
On all levels except physical I’m 6’3
“ what about you? think you’ll find what you’re looking for?” / @buildhope
“who says i’m looking for anything?” the tears have dried, the tremors subsided, but he swears, the scent of blood remains. neil does not directly meet this man’s eyes, opting instead to keep his downcast, intently focused on memorizing the pattern of the wooden bartop - a dribble of condensation from his untouched glass swirled with the tip of his ring finger. there is little comfort in this setting, the stench of liquor and the raucous reverberation of whiskey-soaked laughter pressing against his temples and boring down into his skull, but it’s a minor escape, a respite from the hunt. this conversation is merely filler, some attempt to clear his thoughts, though so far, it’s done little to that effect, and his expression sours to reflect that - but there’s no alternative, no home to return to, too much fear to risk the confined space of a motel. it won’t be long before the latest of his father’s tails will be discovered absent his life, and neil will once again be on the run. it’s nearly enough to motivate him to actually drinking the shot before him, but he manages to refrain.
instead, he draws back, scoffs out a mirthless laugh. “does this barman/therapist routine ever work out for you? i mean, do you get anything from it - must be exhausting, listening to strangers complain.”
sunbruise.
there were days kenneth would lay over the shadows cast by the large oak trees of berkeley hill, void of company save for the tall grass and dandelions, and wonder if something in him was mechanically broken. he had little experience with desire, if at all, much less with need. even want was a fleeting, abstract thing, marred by more urgent concerns that fulfilled his self interest. if he craved anything, it had never been a girl’s thighs or a boy’s neck, but material things like money, something he had never had much of growing up, or a house for himself, just himself, because he had never had that growing either. he wanted power, because power did two things: it veered off threat, and with it, he could protect the select few faces he cared to see alive. perhaps it was just that what had made it easy to turn around, that broken thing that cared about nothing but his own greed, with his boots against the red gravel and eyes deadlocked on the spires of the senate house just in the distance. he would have left neil there, unaware if he gaped or wailed or fell into despair, lest the boy spoke his name - which he did, and clasped his sleeve, so kenneth’s heavy boots ground to a sudden halt. he looked at neil easily, eyes low-lidded with boredom and calm, as if he had not cornered him moments before with his teeth out like an undead. the question did not startle him, though his neck flushed in thought and confusion. there it was again, a reminder that something was broken - and what was worse, he did not feel bothered by it at all. ❛❛ do you mean who attracts me? ❜❜ he thought of dionne. then he thought of neil. he thought of kaz, posing as a demigod, who wasn’t quite human either. someone who did not fit into the binary - someone demon, from the other world. his lip twitched upwards, mischievous and empty of discipline. ❛❛ i’m not very fond of restrictions. i suppose i like both. or all. i don’t really care. does it matter? ❜❜
“yeah - i think it does.” a little emboldened, though still infinitely shy; it makes for an interesting disposition, a soft bravado that cracks and withers as neil clenches his jaw. but his grip on ken remains unaffected, holding steady as neil looks up to him - searching for something, though a thing that he cannot name, something unknown but desired, fervidly so. but he means it, that it matters, this, he can put into words, though it takes a moment to sort through them, jaw and eyes working in tandem, as if it’s a physical action and not purely mental; he just needs it to be perfect, not a chance for even the slightest misinterpretation, despite whatever reaction it may incur. neil pulls in a breath between parted lips, then starts, in a tone more even than his prior attempt: “you asked me for a reason. you do everything for a reason. so i’m just trying to understand what that is - i deserve to know, i think. so, what - are you just having some fun? trying to fuck with me?” a slight curl of his lip in what could be a snarl; there’s a persistent need to protect himself, manifesting in a trembling rage down the length of his spine - but each time it attempts to grow, neil can’t muster much more anger, mouth still alive with the taste and feel of ken’s against it, a phantom sensation that draws him in again; in the space of a heartbeat, neil discovers himself flush against kenneth once more. “did you enjoy it? and don’t tell me it doesn’t matter, because it does.”
sunbruise.
jorgen’s dull musings, however cheerfully spoken, did not dim him or the other raiders. not the way they dimmed neil, perhaps. the touch of death seemed an entirely familiar realm, their bones taut with a preparedness for its sudden appearance. if you thought about death enough, he found you could soon glare back at it. ❛❛ i already made it actually, ❜❜ he said, and his teeth twitched, catching neil’s index. the pressure was enough to pinch, before he let go and slid his head back against the top of the couch, lethargic. ❛❛ if you die from eating it, it’s not my fault. neerav helped. do you want to see? ❜❜
despite neil’s attempts at indifference, a small noise of delight lives and dies on his tongue at the nip, and neil is ready to test him again - appearing rather crestfallen when ken withdraws, but accepting this concession, uncharacteristically uneager to push, energy invested instead in diffusing the panic that sweeps across his expression - a pointless endeavor, really, neil knowing ken will sniff it out, but regardless, making the effort. a silent promise had been given to attempt to expand beyond this comfort zone established, branch out and try new things, and neil certainly feels like this would count - though that does little to alleviate the apprehension bubbling in his stomach. he almost wishes jorgen were philosophizing at him instead; at least then little engagement would be required on his part. he dips his head and pushes his face against ken’s shoulder. “if i throw up, you’d better not laugh at me.”
sunbruise.
the forward snap of his head is automatic, an attempt to bite neil’s finger when it prodded his cheek. gently. as gently as canine teeth could, with a flash of a frown after. ❛❛ huh? you mean your live day. ❜❜ pulling back, he inspects neil’s mouth. a kiss was a gift he afforded to none, and perhaps neil made the exception - but he couldn’t make it obvious, could he? no, that would not be fun. ❛❛ you know jorgen calls it live day, something about eternal doom and misery at birth. don’t you want a funeral cake instead? i’ll sign it. ❜❜
“why do you think i didn’t tell jorgen? i don’t want to think about that.” genuine joy no longer as rare a commodity as it once was, but too often, he finds himself entrapped in his misery; neil does not want to find himself there, not today, not if he can prevent it. he continues to press his fingers against ken’s cheek, before sliding his index finger along his lower lip, teasing, daring ken to catch it. “would you be making this cake from scratch? because i’d enjoy watching that.”
“hey, it’s my birthday.” he pokes ken’s cheek as he speaks, playfully rough, a smile blossoming. “i’ll just accept a kiss as a present, since you didn’t know.” @sunbruise
tomorrow is neil's birthday!! hes gonna be 20!!
God’s Own Country (2017) // dir. Francis Lee
*: ・゚✧ the walking dead season 3 episode 4.
feel free to change pronouns / wording, etc. as needed! ( some of these might have been altered slightly for rp purposes.)
“ good. our vehicles camped out there look like a giant ‘vacancy’ sign.”
“ after that, we need to load up these corpses, so we can burn ‘em.”
“ gonna be a long day.”
“ i could use some help.”
“ you coming?”
“ come on, i could use a hand.”
“ so gross.”
“ come with me.”
“ that’s close enough.”
“ we had an agreement.”
“ we made a deal. but you gotta understand…”
“ i can’t live in that place another minute.”
“ all the bodies… people we knew. blood, brains, everywhere.”
“ there’s ghosts.”
“ look, i had nothing to do with that. nothing.”
“ you trying to prove a point? you proved it, bro.”
“ i’ll do whatever it takes to be part of your group.”
“ just please, please… don’t make me live in that place.”
“ our deal is nonnegotiable.”
“ i told you this was a waste of time.”
“ we’ve all made mistakes.”
“ i’m not gonna pretend to be a saint, but believe me, i’ve paid my due.”
“ i would rather hit that road than go back into that shithole.”
“ are you serious?”
“ they’ll just be waiting for a chance to grab our weapons.”
“ you want to go back to sleeping with one eye open?”
“ if we send them off packing, we might as well execute them ourselves.”
“ after all we’ve been through? we fought so hard for all this.”
“ it’s just been us for so long.”
“ it feels weird all of a sudden having other people around.”
“ they can’t even kill walkers.”
“ they might actually have less blood on their hands than we do.”
“ i get guys like this. hell, i grew up with them.”
“ they’re degenerates, but they ain’t psychos.”
“ i could’ve been there with them just as easy as i’m out here with you guys.”
“ so are you with me?”
“ we find more ammo, we could cut down a whole pack of biters.”
“ i hear you are leaving today. that’s a shame.”
“ we could use a soldier like you.”
“ you seem like you’re holding your own.”
“ no amount of training can prepare you for the world today.”
“ those men were heroes. not the kind to leave anyone behind.”
“ if only we’d gotten there sooner… and you were with us.”
“ lots of bullet holes… you think biters figured out how to use weapons?”
“ it’s ugly out there, but then… you know that better than anyone.”
“ i figured, thank god, at least no one knew him.”
“ might not last a week.”
“ it’s your choice.”
“ hey, hey… who’s blood would you rather have on your hands?”
“ don’t even look at it.”
“ i’m pretty handy with a wrench.”
“ man, will you just stop? have some balls.”
“ just take your time.”
“ don’t push yourself.”
“ what else am i going to do?”
“ that’s a good start. you want to take a rest?”
“ rest? let’s go for a little stroll.”
“ if we leave soon, we’ll get a few hours on the road before dusk.”
“ where are we heading?”
“ maybe we find a boat.”
“ best thing we can do is find an island.”
“ i’d rather take my chances out there than stay here.”
“ because your gut tells you there’s something off about this place…?”
“ it’s kept us alive this long.”
“ there’s enough food in there to last you a week.”
“ it’s starting to look like a place we could really live in.”
“ you’re one tough son of a bitch.”
“ shh. keep your cheers down.”
“ oh man, can’t we just have one good day?”
“ ready to race?”
“ walkers! look out!”
“ get out! get out of there! now!”
“ go! come in here!”
“ behind you!”
“ how come we never hooked up?”
“ got a way with words, don’t i?”
“ why are you doing this?”
“ i’d want the same thing if it was my family out there.”
“ sure you don’t want to come with me?”
“ you ain’t curious about the old gang?”
“ ooh…! oh, yeah, you really was cut loose, weren’t you?”
“ i’m sure they came back. i didn’t stick around to find out.”
“ we got something in common.”
“ we got left behind by the same people… and saved by another.”
“ have you ever thought about leaving this place?”
“ you should’ve just kept on going.”
“ what the hell happened?”
“ kill it!”
“ back up!”
“ how the hell can this be happening?”
“ you should stop!”
“ i’ll do what i have to. you’re not becoming one of those things.”
“ i can’t ask that.”
“ can you keep up?”
“ something’s not right.”
“ are you bit?”
“ and break decades of tradition?”
“ i don’t know. some things are worth holding onto.”
“ you can track with the best of ‘em, but it’s like a needle in a haystack.”
“ if he’s out there, i’ll be able to find him.”
“ what if someone gets hurt during this search, huh?”
“ then i’ll go on my own.”
“ i get what you’re feeling, i really do, but i can’t risk it. i need you here.”
“ this whole place would fall apart without you.”
“ tell you what, huh? you get more concrete information, i’ll go with you myself.”
“ somebody is playing games!”
“ what are those alarms?”
“ what if it attracts them?”
“ do you know how?”
“ i’m okay, i’m okay.”
“ we’re almost there.”
“ sorry to see you leave.”
“ this place isn’t for everybody.”
“ thank you. for everything.”
“ where are you planning to go?”
“ what do YOU think?”
“ i haven’t had hard liquor in a while.”
“ my tolerance is probably close to nil.”
“ what about you? think you’ll find what you’re looking for?”
“ you still got family out there?”
“ i lost my family.”
“ to better days.”
“ this is good.”
“ truth is, i don’t know what i’m looking for.”
“ for the longest time, it was all about survival. nothing else mattered.”
“ i don’t know what matters now.”
“ a lots changed.”
“ i better go. but i appreciate the drink.”
“ if it gets tough out there, you’re always welcome here.”
“ i thought you never told anybody your name.”
“ someone recently told me never to say never, so…”
“ well… take care.”
“ what are you waiting for?! do it!”
“ look at me, look at me. keep your eyes open.”
“ i’m not gonna make it.”
“ no. i can’t.”
“ you don’t have a choice.”
“ you won’t survive.”
“ i thought we had an agreement.”
“ we can always leave tomorrow or the following day.”
“ we don’t want to walk into trouble that we can’t get out of.”
“ i heard you the first time.”
“ you can. you have to.”
“ i don’t want you to be scared, okay?”
“ this is what i want. this is right.”
“ you don’t have to do this.”
“ you’re gonna be fine.”
“ you are gonna beat this world. i know you will.”
“ you are smart, and you are strong, and you are so brave.”
“ i love you.”
“ you promise me, you’ll always do what’s right.”
“ it’s so easy to do the wrong thing in this world.”
“ if it feels wrong, don’t do it, all right?”
“ if it feels easy, don’t do it. don’t let the world spoil you.”
“ we have to go.”
“ we can’t just leave her here.”
“ where- where is she? where is she?”
RUMBLE FISH | STARTERS send a prompt or send ✉ for a random starter. triggers apply.
count me out.
don’t start that stuff again.
you’re running a slight fever.
i told them you were a good kid.
you better lay down.
cheer up, kid.
be careful. i love you.
i wish you wouldn’t fight all the time.
but it could get infected.
slow down.
don’t worry about the taste.
you got anything else to tell me?
this is a crummy neighborhood.
be back in a while.
just sometimes.
hey, what’s this?
i hate hospitals.
if you don’t shut up i’ll drop you.
you gotta help me.
i love fights.
i’ll catch ya.
what’s scary about that?
here, take a swig of this.
poor kid. looks like you’re messed up all the time, one way or another.
what happened to those guys that jumped us?
i wonder why somebody hasn’t taken a rifle and blown your head off.
what are you doing here?
i got that in a knife fight.
everything over here is so cool.
i was home last night.
will you stop that crying?
i wondered if i loved anybody.
EAST OF EDEN | STARTERS send a prompt or send ✉ for a random starter. triggers apply.
but how did you get hurt?
you’re so good, so kind.
taking a nap?
don’t get mad.
that’s the worst part. i can’t even tell you.
you’ve got a chill.
i mean my real home.
just a stomach ache.
watch your language.
because i love you.
that’s a real bad scar you’ve got there.
don’t you want me to help you to your room?
i didn’t think i was hungry, but that soup smells good.
no, maybe you’re not, but you’re tired and you’re sick.
sometimes a silence tells the most.
so many things are done instinctively, the way a bee makes honey or a fox dips his paws in a stream to fool dogs.
you’ve got a bug up your ass.
i don’t feel good.
why didn’t you come home?
it’s no thing for a child.
you can’t drive a human too far.
i’ve been up all night.
have you got that knife in your pocket?
don’t get so excited.
it was an accident.
maybe you should go to bed now.
but i wish you’d take better care of yourself.
nobody can hurt me.
now i feel safe.
why don’t you get the hell out?
it’s hard to think of everything.
time to get up.
i’ve never used that word. never once to anybody in the world.
you’ll make me cry. don’t make me cry.
i don’t want to get up but i don’t want to stay in bed either.
you know, i haven’t wished for many things in my life.
sunbruise.
it’s curious what had led them to this moment; no, he remembers quite clearly how it had come about, and yet, he struggles to recognise why he had led himself into it. why had he bothered to satisfy what he had been taught, too strictly, was a waste of time and space, if only to appease neil for the few seconds it had lasted? had some part of him wanted to answer that curiosity for himself as well? glacial was the distance between them now, pricked by growing uncertainty and emptiness. kenneth realised it was not fear that disturbed him, but the total absence of it. comfort we despise, lupa had said. he felt himself move, felt his head tilt this way and that and his fingers twitch in the open air, as if he had learned something new and startling. still, it did little to answer the restlessness that had begun its upward crawl around his chest, strips of leather pulled taught against his ribcage. a puff of air comes out of him and his boots draw a step back, as if he were a disgruntled lion met with unexpected attention. ❛❛ yes, that is it. ❜❜ the slowness with which those words were spoken were not lost to any one who listened. they were deliberate and careful, weary of injury as much as he was weary of his face revealing inexperience. what followed a kiss? he did not know.
his hand comes up and his nails catch against his jaw. he’s thinking, but at some point he realises he doesn’t know what he has to think about. the cloud of thought had become glimpses of skin, of flushed cheeks and lips intruding - but he shakes it away, tucks a lock of his hair back behind his ear and wrinkles his nose in haste. he had a job to do, and much of this was getting in the way. ❛❛ i think it answered your question. i should be going, now. ❜❜
more disappointment, and a hurt like a bruise, too, darkening his features. there had been a flicker of hope that perhaps ken would argue against it, though what he would say, neil can’t imagine - actually, no, that’s not all, i’d like to do it again, please? these are not kenneth vareck’s words, the echo in his mind as he attempts to hear them not of ken’s voice, but his own, pulled from his own desire to have this gap between them closed and ken’s body flush against his once more, and minute happiness is soured with the knowledge that that won’t happen. there is disappointment and his hurt and shame and embarrassment all coexisting in a maelstrom of discontent, raging in neil’s chest as his head drops, shoulders sagging, the softest sound escaping his throat, muffled and raw.
whether it is a plea or resignation not even neil can say.
in place of his fleeting contentment comes a blossoming irritation, self-directed and harsh, chastisements in the vein of his mother and father lashing at his heart. what do you think would happen - how could you be so stupid - don’t you understand how dangerous this is? i don’t know is his singular response, the only phrase he can grasp in his chagrin and his discomfort, a pity that overwhelms him for a moment before something comes to mind - something that he had not considered until this moment, something that strikes him heavily and spurs him to glance up, extend a hand, pull at ken’s sleeve.
“wait.” an appeal, not a demand, though there is a sudden urgency, neil’s grip tightening as his heart shudders in its rhythm. “i never got to ask you, who you like, i mean, - so consider this me asking now.”
sunbruise.
there wasn’t a trace of deceit in neil or what he had said. it was like trying to find a dot of black in an endless sea of white sand. regardless, kenneth did not feel entirely convinced, if the cold turn of his eyes were any indication. this deposition of a silent, unmoving mountain would have continued if it weren’t the hands that reached up and wiped the filth off his cheeks. neil’s hands settled on his waist next, body pressing close enough to his own that he could feel the warm press of breath against his skin. something inside him startled unexpectedly, a sort of rigidness frosting along his spine. with a surprised blink and the subtle hitch of his shoulders, the clasp over the shoe loosened and it thumped down over the wooden floor. wordlessly, his eyes speared neil’s, a bright blue like winter watching and sighing. ❛❛ mhm. ❜❜ kenneth snapped his attention elsewhere, gaze raking their surroundings for intrusion. at the absence of noise and demand, he began to contemplate. arriving at a decision, his face broke back into its usual nonchalance, all bored eyes and half shrugs. then his hand came up and gripped the boy’s wrist. ❛❛ very well. where to? ❜❜
he stays a moment longer like this, molded into ken, such a familiar pose yet one that feels wholly unknown and new all the same outside the confines of ken’s rooms. when finally neil detaches himself it’s with a sigh of minimal effort, stooping to grab his shoe, wiggling into it and tucking the laces into the sides -- unconcerned with the task of tying them properly, too eager to leave, to feel ken’s skin on his again. but the urge to touch is repressed, hand instead lingering mere inches from ken’s chest as he reconsiders, neil’s mouth twitching before he smiles, a slight laugh like a breeze disturbing windchimes exiting his throat. he cocks his head and pushes fingers through his wild hair before shrugging, expression softening, miming the apathy ken extends. “i don’t know. that one cafe, maybe, in the city - the one with the bookstore?” memory fails to grasp the name, always too engrossed in committing to its banks the sound of ken’s laughter (rare as it is), the glint of his eyes as gold reflects in the sun, recollections now that bring color to neil’s cheeks, desire burning in his chest. “what do you want, ken?”
maxencefvl Analog