Sometimes I get into these big fights with my mom when we don't talk for days and I have this extreme rage against her but then I realise that she was probably raised in a sad sad household with little to no love and maybe she is trying her best even though the best she knows is gaslighting her daughter into believing things that were never true and hurting her is ways nobody else could and making her realise that she's unloved and is ugly and fat and stupid and a disgrace to the family. I try to convince myself that this was what she was told growing up in a family of 6 siblings where she would be constantly compared to her brothers and sisters so now she can't help but compare me with her and the rest of the world .I thought mothers were supposed to support you and encourage you but why do I feel like she's always trying to compete with me for stupid prizes . I still remember the day when that 12 year old me painted a portrait i was really proud of and I showed it to her instead of appreciating my efforts she looked me in the eyes with a fire the kinda fire you would see in the eyes of a someone who has been training for their entire lives for the gold at Olympics but in my mind there was no competition at all according to the 12 year old me she was the best, but instead she had to prove the fact that she was better and in no time she replied with the fact that she could do much better and proceed to talk about the time she painted beautiful dresses in her time learning fashion designing. Maybe her mother didn't love her enough so now she fails to love me and I fear the fact that someday I'm gonna grow up to be even a worse version of her and ruin another life that deserves all the love this world has to offer. I don't want to be like her I hate it when people say oh look at this growing lady just like her mother I hate when people say that we're same because it isn't true or at least that is what I think and by some chance if it is true then there is no amount of therapy that could fix me because broken mother's raise broken daughters unless they don't raise their daughters at all which could very much be in my case.
