I’ve been in quite a slump these past few days. I wouldn’t say I don’t know where it came from, but to come to terms with it is a bit painful. I’ve always had this thought when I was a child, that the people close to you, are the ones that will love and protect you from anything and everything in the world. However, as a 20-year-old, I realised, sometimes, those close to you are the ones that hurt you.
I’ve always had a habit of downgrading myself. In short, I am a very pessimistic person when it comes to myself. BUT to hear something that so negative coming from those who are close to you HURTS, beyond belief. Though I don’t think they really mean it, but it still is stuck in my brain. I didn’t think something like this could affect me really badly.
It has come to a point where it’s hard to step outside the door to do things that are productive. It’s hard to find people who would just stay and listen to what you have to say. Saying things about yourself immediately translates to how selfish you are, how much attention you want from people, BUT that isn’t the case.
Somedays, I feel it’s better to just end things, but then again, I have so much to live for. I try to be positive, in front of everybody, I try to be that strong, independent person, but I’m not always like that. When I’m left all to myself, or all by myself, that’s when I strip off all the layers and masks. That’s when I break down. I try to be a better person, but if I can’t feel it and do it for myself, then why should I try so hard. Even if I try, nobody realises. Nobody cares. It’s hard to fit into someone’s perfect image of you. I can’t live a life of my own because I constantly have to be someone else, that’s accepted not just by society, but also by family.
There are good days and there are bad days. I guess I’m in one of those bad days then. Something so little can set off a big chain of reaction. I hope this passes, but I’ll doubt I’ll be as happy as I was when I was younger. I guess what people said about growing old is true. “The older you grow, the less genuinely happy you feel.”
My advice? Live your life. However, you want to live it. Be happy with what you have and what you can do. Never let anyone tell you how to feel. To those who are struggling, we’ll get through this. All we have is ourselves and each other. If we can give pats to each others’ backs, a hug or two, and a push forward, that’ll help all of us. To know that we are never alone.
I guess this is where I’ll sign off. I’m sorry its a bit of a downer, but I hope you guys will have a good week ahead. I’ll get through this slump. Best wishes friends.
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