I just want to rant right now.
cw: drug addiction, suicide
I just want to get all this stuff off my chest. I haven’t been seeing a therapist this semester so it’s been hard not holding things in. When I talk to my boyfriend, he makes me feel like he is just telling me my problems aren’t a big deal so I should stop thinking about it. Or he tells me advice which I find annoying because he doesn’t understand my experience and yet he will try tell me how he thinks I should fix it.
So I live with my parents and my dad is “retired” (another way to say he chooses not to work or help). Anyways. So my mom lost her job due to this pandemic and now we have to move out in June because we can’t afford rent here without my mom’s income. I only worked part time because I go to school full time so I can’t even cover rent either. I just cover my own expenses as much as I can.
All month long I have been trying to find a one bedroom apartment in my new college town but I can’t find anything I can afford. So now I am looking at buying vans, but the town I will be living in is not forgiving of homelessness. I have read about how strict they are with people sleeping in their vehicles over night and how so many people get the cops called on them. When I transfer, I gotta be there for 3 years because I am engineering and it takes longer to get your BS since you have a lot of labs. I am so scared of not feeling safe living there. There is a parking lot available now for homeless people to park in due to repercussions of the pandemic but I don't know how long that will last. I need to know where I can park for the next 3 years. I don’t want to be harassed by policed and fined money I can’t pay. I think it’s so horrible that the town criminalizes homelessness to the extent that they do.
Yesterday I was driving north to check out a van (mind you I have finals this week and it was a 6 hour drive one way). I told this couple that I was desperate for a vehicle to live in because I needed it for college and that I would be able to pay in full and I wanted to see it as soon as possible. I told them I could go Monday because it’s a holiday. They asked about Tuesday but i told them i couldn't due to finals week. 5 hours into the drive they told me they sold it and it didn’t pass smog. fuck you guys. I drove 10 fucking hours during finals week so you could sell it to someone else. And you knew what my situation was. FUCK YOU.
Not only will I be homeless by July 1st but so will my mom. She already bought a vehicle to live in but let me tell you why this concerns me. She is an alcoholic who doesn’t stop until she blacks out. And she will drive even when she is drunk. The combination of my mom’s home being the vehicle that she will likely drive drunk in is a deadly one, to her and others. I am very worried that something is going to happen to her while I am in college.
My dad will be moving to another town where his family is. But since this town is very cheap, he will be able to live on his own. Sounds good right? Well it’s actually not because he has very poor health. This year alone he has had multiple strokes that my mom always catches and takes him to the ER. If not for her, he would never go to the hospital and he would just die. My mom thinks his family will check on him but i disagree. He doesn’t really get along with his family so I doubt they will want to see each other all the time. What a week goes by and he is having a stroke and no one visits? So I am also worried about my father dying while I am in college.
Guess what else. My dog is old but I cannot obviously force him to live with me in my car. That’s too small and I will be busy with college. I will not be able to provide him proper care. So I have to let him live with another person in the mean time but since he is old, I am also scared he will die while I am in college.
So I am worried my mom, dad, and dog will die while I am in college. I don’t want to be separated from them because I want to be able to keep an eye on all of them to make sure they are okay but I can’t do that. And I am also worried about being homeless and harassed by policemen.
Also, today I found a broken crack pipe on the floor of my bathroom which fell out of my dad’s laundry load. Thanks dad.
Also, this whole time in quarantine I have had to deal with my parents misbehavior. My mom and dad are bother terrible personality wise. Everyday I am woken up by my mom because she is always yelling at my dad. Saying derogatory things like “faggot”, “pig” etc. Btw I am bi and totally not out to my mom because why the fuck would I risk finding out how she would treat me. She already bullies me for having liberal beliefs, being feminist and vegan. She is very religious and conservative. And stubborn and rude and mean. But I still don’t want her to die alone in a car because of alcoholism. And even though my dad is an angry selfish person, I don’t want him dying of a stroke in the house or overdosing all alone. I also don’t want my dog to die without his mommy (me) able to help him. It fucking sucks worrying about this shit. I hate it so much.
I don’t want to hear that fucking bullshit “it gets better” “everything happens for a reason”. There’s no fucking higher power. Shit just gets worse. For no reason. The only higher powers are the rich and the shit that happens for a reason is because they control the privilege and they give it all to themselves.
So yeah you could say my suicidal ideation has definitely gotten worse. 5 years of hard work to attend the college of my dreams just so it could turn into this? yeah fuckin right. If this is what I get for doing my best than whats the fucking point.
