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[lilcowgirl7-deactivated20210223]

“It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle“ by Mark Wolynn

[roselerner]

“One year my colleagues David and Carole were preparing a skit on abuse for a conference, and they decided to perform a rehearsal for their abuser group. Afterward, the group members rapid-fired their suggestions for improving the skit, directing them mostly at David: ‘No, no, you don’t make excuses for why you’re home late, that puts you on the defensive, you’ve got to turn it around on her, tell her you know she’s cheating on you…You’re staying too far away from her, David. Take a couple of steps toward her, so she’ll know you mean business…You’re letting her say too much. You’ve got to cut her off and stick to your points.’ The counselors were struck by how aware the clients were of the kind of tactics they use, and why they use them: In the excitement of giving feedback on the skit, the men let down their facade as ‘out-of-control’ abuser who doesn’t realize what he’s doing.”

— Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

CHAPTER 5: ASSAULTING THE BLACK HEART

Topics covered in this chapter of My Grandmother’s Hands include-

The mythos and paradoxes of race

Re-colonization; the transformation of enslavement in colonial America 

A somatic timeline of North America 

The Neo-Crow Era; Othering and microaggressions

Internalizing trauma-based values and traumatic retentions

Black Lives Matter | Mental Health Resources

Black Mental Health Matters

Anti-Racism Resource Guide

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

Naming the Effects of What He Does

Being involved with a destructive partner can take more of a toll on you than you realize. Especially when you are still living with him, it’s hard to observe what’s happening to you.

People on the outside may have noticed. Someone who cares about you may have said, “I’m concerned about you-you don’t seem like yourself to me.” And if they have, you’ve probably brushed them off, responding, “Oh, I’m doing fine.” But are you?

Ask yourself these questions: Emotionally- Am I angry or upset about him a lot of the time? Am I tense and worried about how he’s doing, or how he’s going to react to things? Physically- Am I as healthy as I was when I met him? Is the stress showing up in my body in any way (aches and pains, weight gain, weight loss, lack of energy)? How am I sleeping? Life Direction- Have I let my dreams and ambitions slip into the background since I’ve been with him? Does he discourage me from pursuing my own goals, or try to change them into ones that he thinks would be better? Spiritually- Have I lost my connection to my deep beliefs? Am I reluctant to share my real beliefs with him? Socially- Am I struggling in my connections with friends? Have I distanced myself from my relatives (perhaps because he said they aren’t good for me? Does he make excuses not to see people, or to keep me from seeing them? Sexually- Am I feeling attractive? Are my sexual needs being attended to? Is he making me feel bad sexually?

A relationship is supposed to make you feel good. It should make you stronger and more energetic, and help propel you towards your goals. Is your relationship doing the opposite? Do some writing in your journal  in response to this question, striving to answer honestly.

“I need to look directly at what’s going on and not convince myself that it’s okay.”

-Lundy Bancroft, “Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? | Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men”

[yesbpdbabe-deactivated20210115]

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

CHAPTER 4: EUROPEAN TRAUMA AND THE INVENTION OF WHITENESS

Topics covered in this chapter of My Grandmother’s Hands include-

The accumulation of European historical trauma and how it travelled to the Americas

The conceptualization of race in 1600s America and the formalization of white-body supremacy

The transference of trauma from white bodies to black and native bodies

Black Lives Matter | Mental Health Resources

Black Mental Health Matters

Anti-Racism Resource Guide

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

CHAPTER 3: BODY TO BODY, GENERATION TO GENERATION

Topics covered in this chapter of My Grandmother’s Hands include-

Traumatic retentions and how unhealed trauma is passed from person to person through different relationships (romantic, familial, genetic, etc.)

How various traumas compound and interact with each other

The physical toll trauma takes on the body

Secondary trauma phenomena

Intrinsic and learned resilience in healing and growth

Black Lives Matter | Mental Health Resources

Black Mental Health Matters

Anti-Racism Resource Guide

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

CHAPTER 2: BLACK, WHITE, BLUE, AND YOU

Topics covered in this chapter of My Grandmother’s Hands include-

The effect of white-body supremacy on how black, white, and police bodies view each other

Grounding techniques and settling into your body

Interpreting bodily responses to stress and trauma

Black Lives Matter | Mental Health Resources

Black Mental Health Matters

Anti-Racism Resource Guide

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

CHAPTER 1: YOUR BODY AND BLOOD

Topics covered in this chapter of My Grandmother’s Hands include-

The psychobiology of trauma and how our bodies react to it

Survival instincts and their traumatic manifestations

How white-body supremacy embeds trauma in black and white people in different forms

The types of pain involved in the healing process

Important terminology to understand and reference in the following chapters

Black Lives Matter | Mental Health Resources

Black Mental Health Matters

Anti-Racism Resource Guide

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

FORWARD

Topics covered in this section of My Grandmother’s Hands include-

The physicality of white supremacy and healing racial trauma

Paying attention to the reflexive sensations, impulses, and emotions occur in your body while reading

Manifestations of racial trauma throughout history

Black Lives Matter | Mental Health Resources

Black Mental Health Matters

Anti-Racism Resource Guide

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

Feeling Like You’ll Never Get Over This

After enough times of being torn apart by your partner’s cruel side, you can come to feel like nothing could ever put you back together again, and like the pain will never go away.

But it will. You aren’t always going to feel this bad. Healing is a long process, especially when you’ve been harmed by someone you love. But the injured places do grow back together.

One thing  that emotional wounds and physical wounds have in common is that they take triply long to heal if you keep getting hurt again in the same spot. So you may not be able to heal well from your partner’s mistreatment of you unless you put emotional distance between yourself and him-and perhaps physical distance as well. Your spirit needs a chance to bounce back. It may be time to put yourself in an environment where healing can happen.

It’s true that some women have to get stronger before they can get out of their relationship, but for other women the opposite is true-they have to get out of their relationship before they can get stronger. Consider which one might be more true of you.

“Healing requires safety. When I find a way to get myself to a safe place,  my spirit will start to grow whole again.”

-Lundy Bancroft, “Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? | Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men”

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

Yooo congrats on the promotion! 🥳🥳

Aww this is so sweet, bless you anon!!! I was definitely not expecting the offer, and although the new demands and responsibilities involved caused me a lot of apprehension at first, I’m really proud of the success I’ve experienced so far. Thank you for celebrating with me!! ♥️

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

Thank you so much for posting stuff. Your page is a godsend especially on perfectionism!

I’m glad to have been of assistance with the materials I’ve posted so far! I will definitely be adding to that particular collection of resources as soon as possible. Thanks for the message! :^)

[undothedamage-blog]

How To Help Somebody Being Abused

Oh man, there’s an entire section in here on how to help someone being abused and it’s just so good. Please pick up a copy of this book and read at least that section. 

Quick Run Down:

“Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.”

Abusers pressure. So don’t pressure her into leaving, standing up to him, calling the police, etc.

Abusers talk down. So talk to her as an equal without any condescension.

Abusers think they know best. So remember that she’s an expert on her own life and needs.

Abusers dominate conversations. So listen more, talk less.

Abusers feel entitled to control. So respect her right to make decisions and stick with her even if you disagree with those choices.

Abusers think they know best re: children. So remember that she is a competent and loving mother who knows the full context of the decisions she must make.

Abusers think for their victims. So think with her. You’re not her hero, you’re a team mate.

Because empowerment and recovery for an abused woman can be a long process, people who want to be there for her tend to go through periods when their patience wears thin. They are tempted to aim their frustration at the woman herself, saying, “Well, if you put such a low value on yourself as to choose to be abused, I can’t keep hanging around, ” or “If you care about him more than you care about your children, you’re as sick as he is.” I understand why you feel irritated, but it doesn’t make sense to put her down. The message you send with such an outburst is that you think she is causing herself to be abused, which is just what the abuser is telling her. And the last thing you want to do is support his message.

Bancroft also reminds the reader that you shouldn’t measure your success in helping her by whether or not she leaves her partner, but rather by “how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life—which the abusive man does not do—and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety.”

Also…

One more word of caution: I observe that many people are eager to find something wrong with an abused woman, because if they can’t, they are confronted with the uncomfortable reality that any woman can be abused. The urge to find fault in her interferes with your ability to help her—and ultimately colludes with the abusive man.

[abusednotraised]

Free Resources!

Hey yall! I'm off today and kinda bored lol so I decided to create a google drive with free books on toxic parents and the like. Here's what I've got so far:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

I've also uploaded a couple of (somewhat) shorter resources. All I've got at the moment are short pdfs by Pete Walker that talk about flashback management and "shrinking the inner critic", but I think it's a good start.

Let me know if any of the links don't work!

Anyone else have any suggestions to add to the list? Again, I'm not doing much today so I've got time to search for free resources!

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

A Long-Overdue Update

Hello there! 👋 I’m still here, approximately four months after my last post, and I hope all of you are doing well. I apologize for the lack of activity and content on my end; I accepted a promotion at the end of June and figuring out how to maintain a functional post-furlough schedule has been really challenging for me. I think I’m in a good place now to revisit my interests outside of work, including finding new things to share on here! I will continue posting workbook excerpts as usual, but I plan to incorporate notable articles and emphasize mental health research into my queue moving forward. Take care, be safe, and thank you for reading! 💖

-Mod Em

[stuff-i-got-in-therapy]

Hey are you still active ?

Hi hello anon, I’m here!! I paid Rock Bottom another visit late last year and am struggling more than usual during this pandemic, but I’m regaining functionality and hope to be back on your dashboard with new content soon. I hope that you are well and I appreciate the message! :^)