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this is almost a porn account

[stumblingonvodka]

A year later I have found someone who is worthy of my time. A year later, I have learned more about myself, love, and relationships than I ever could have imagined. A year later, I have endured more hardships and have become a stronger and better person, and for this, I am thankful. A year later, I have accepted that life is not always easy, people are not always trusting, and I am not always able to do everything I wish I could. A year later,  I am better.

[stumblingonvodka]

it seems like that entire time with you was just a dream. did that actually happen or did i imagine 12 months spent with someone who stopped loving me?

[stumblingonvodka]

you are SO shitty and i hope you get what's coming to you.

[stumblingonvodka]

i owe myself so many apologies because i gave so much and you never gave back. i owe myself so many apologies because i let you treat me like wasted time and space and i thought that was love. i owe myself so many apologies because i saw the negative impact you had on me and i continued the trend of nights ending in fights. i owe myself so many apologies because i knew i wasn’t being hesitant for no reason. i owe myself so many apologies because i let you in over and over again, even after i knew who you really prioritized, and i deserved to be higher on that list. i owe myself so many apologies because you were the one to receive the most, even though i knew you were undeserving. i owe myself so many apologies because i tore myself apart after leaving someone who made me so wreckless. i owe myself so many apologies because i kept caring even though i know you had moved on. i owe myself so many apologies because i’m still sitting here making decisions i’ll regret, and at base, you’re the reason. i owe myself so many apologies.

[stumblingonvodka]

i think i might be depressed.

[stumblingonvodka]

will i always be in love with you?

[stumblingonvodka]

[stumblingonvodka]

fuck with me

[stumblingonvodka]

stalked myself and found this photo i posted privately. holy yikes.

[stumblingonvodka]

1:04 am

i made myself so sick to my stomach thinking about some things that i actually puked. that can't be healthy..

[stumblingonvodka]

[stumblingonvodka]

I think that I prevent myself from getting over you because I keep coming to see you. My love for you has not been lessened in any way whatsoever. I still look at others and wish I saw in them what I saw & continue to see in you. I told you, I think you're the love of my life. Still. Maybe the timing is wrong or I'm wrong altogether, but imagining a life with you still brings a smile to my face. Maybe I haven't let go because I don't know how, or there is a more valid reason I clasp on to the last ounce of hope I have for us to get back together. I'm so much happier since we broke up and have progressed so much to a more healthy state of mind, and I believe you have as well. I just hope that one day, we'll be able to be happy together again. I believe that that's all we lacked. Happiness. I'll still wait.

[stumblingonvodka]

8/7/16 I realized I don't want you anymore.

[stumblingonvodka]

7/31/16

All I want is recognition from you, and I don't know why. you hurt me...bad. I've never been so heartbroken. It's been a little over a month since we broke up and you're already with someone else. you tell her & the world that you love her. how, after we spent an entire year together, have you move on so fast? I know I had my problems, but so did you. I don't believe I was that much of a burden. you told me you loved me no matter what, and now those words hang over me like a black cloud since you posted all of those things about me for everyone to see. it wouldn't bother me so much if what you said was true... but even after all of this, I still love you. no, I'm not in love with you, and I could never be with you again, but all I really want is an apology. something to tell me that you really /do/ care if I died, something to tell me that you /do/ still care, even if it isn't the way it used to be. I don't think you said all of those things because you believe them, but because you were angry. but now I see your smiling face and happy demeanor and wonder if you ever really cared, or if I was just someone to love. you know of all the empty promises, all the heartbreak, the mistrust, the depression, the scars, the anxiety, the panic... you know me better than anyone else, and it terrifies me. to trust anyone else would be stupid on my part, right? I trusted you with everything and have wound up in this situation, begging for someone to promise me something I can believe in. I feel trapped, constantly under the weather and full of anxiety that I will see you out in public. I don't know what to do with myself, it's like I've been given a whole new life and it's shittier than the first. I was so happy with you, and now I've sunken down into the pit again, and I don't know how long this will last. Sam, all I want is recognition. for you to tell me that you didn't mean it. that you don't mean it. I'm okay with how you're living your life now. you seem happy and busy constantly, and I'm happy for you. I do still care about how you are. ridiculous, after everything that's happened, but I do. I want you to live life to the fullest. but what I didn't and still do not want is this. the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, even when I try to fill it, that you really do have hatred towards me. I thought that this would be a peaceful breakaway, and now I know that it was the opposite. I just need something. if you really meant it, tell me. if you didn't, tell me. I need something. I need a final answer. I need to know. I can't live with myself and it's fucking stupid. I just need to know.

[stumblingonvodka]

I really don't think you believe all that stuff you're posting about me

[stumblingonvodka]

he didn't want reminders of me on his body, but I've got scars everywhere that don't allow me to forget.

[stumblingonvodka]

I feel like giving up.