I loved you. I love you still. Not in the way I used to but in a way that has undoubtedly forever left a signature on my heart. I miss you. I miss your voice, your laugh, your scent, your hair, your skin, your feet, your love. I miss all of the real things about you. The things I was certain about because they were tangible, because I could feel them. I had such a deeply foundational desire to feel more from you on an emotional level, on a level transcendental of the flesh, of the physical.
Even though I never really did put the total blame on you for how things went and how they ended, I definitely do still do not when I say that I wish you were curious about me. I wish you were curious about my pain. And my pleasures. I wish my feelings weren't taken so lightly or as a nuisance to be stifled for the sake of a perceived peace of mind. I wish I was genuinely respected by you. I wish I was genuinely celebrated and uplifted by you like I always did with you. I wish I felt truly safe and seen by you. I wish we could still be together and that we could have had an earnest and mutually driven effort to do better for each other, but I was left alone to reckon and figure it out. I wish I wasn't always made to feel like every argument was my fault. I wish my reality wasn't denied and my feelings weaponized against me. It is the unfortunate truth that being together is not a feasible reality. A truth I had to confront and swallow all on my own.
The agony I experienced when I had to walk away was a new degree of pain I had never experienced before in my life. It hurt so fucking bad; it still does. I felt like my soul was scorched to the third degree. At the end, the agony of mourning our relationship and the love we shared before we actually broke up was something I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I realized that pain was the cost of standing firm in who I am and what I know I deserve. I've suffered for such a large portion of my life I refuse to allow anymore at my expense. Although you may think otherwise, my love for you was totally and completely unconditional. However that does not mean I would tolerate unconditionally. Maybe a past version of myself would have. In fact, I know I would have, and that is precisely why I had to leave. The love I have built for myself had to come before my love for you or else I wouldn't be living in truth and showing up for myself and the life I want.
Although things didn't turn out how we both imagined, I will never look back in anger or regret. Even if you do. I will always be so achingly thankful for your love in the ways it did show up and how it encouraged me to embrace my sexuality and gender in a safe space. I will always think of you and you will always have a piece of my being. I will always wish you nothing but happiness and peace. Thank you for loving me. Wholeheartedly, thank you, and I'm sorry.
