i

[subtlyrach]

this blog was great while it lasted, peace out homies

[subtlyrach]

weeks of rain, i left my phone in gravel

A swarm of mosquitoes a thirst for compassion a tight lip why are the clouds at night my favorite color?

I cannot not be with you I will bathe in mud and try to relax and try try to not imagine drowning in your eyes everything in me is drying out this is why my lungs are grey or maybe it’s the smoke who cares

I lost my phone at night in the meadow across from the nature park on that private property of the crotchety greying old man who’s smile is brighter than the glow of my iphone screen will you at least write me in the morning?

[subtlyrach]

[subtlyrach]

7 months in and we still stay up until 5am talking all night, my wonderful boy 

[subtlyrach]

i feel so many things and i suck at writing now and it just kinda sucks all around

[subtlyrach]

This weed tastes super clean but I still wish you’d wash your mouth out after we talk about the thing, pluck her name out of your gums like crude popcorn kernels gargle mouth wash until it kills off all the bacteria left by not me, swish things around in there until they burn and could you possibly stop swallowing things that alter the fucking way you are supposed to love me please?

Your morning breath doesn’t bother me anything like the smell of Fleishmann’s and I’ve been sober and hungover all the time since you last touched me my bed reeks of mistakes that you made when you forgot how my sheets felt and I can’t do sleepovers anymore I’ve made promises with my blankets for the secrets they’re keeping

some people see equations behind their eyelids some people have cameras snapping all the time in their heads I leak unused words in the form of tears translucent “whys” and “hows” and “please never agains” dance on my face leaving footprints on their way to the floor I feel trampled, and you pick me up but I know bits of me were knocked lose

[subtlyrach]

I am an m&m in the candies of people. soft and dissolvable and depressive substance inside and my hard candy coating of anxiety gives me a little crunch. ok I'm really high but it still can make sense in a sober mind. this high, and absolved of my anxious extremities all I am is this sticky and absolutely bitter (not so) sweet inside. I'm depressed as fuck but it hasn't felt this possessive before. I feel like I transformed into a totally new, weak product of my depression somewhere between all the consuming anxiety attacks. this is just terrible

[subtlyrach]

high speed internet with faulty skype calls

we are a cable line that extends over the length of oceans if we say so we are a hum of electricity that never singes or electrocutes us we are an unrealistic love that is the highest state of reality i have ever existed on 

when you are not with me i sleep with a candle on my bedside table because even though it isn't very safe i am dying for the compensation of my lost light soft and incandescent we are not dull we are the smell of fresh linen and the feeling of wearing warm socks in january baby i miss you the most when i kick off all of my covers and you are not there to steal them from me that is the coldest

[subtlyrach]

we found an apartment that we like with a cool ass brick wall and a pole we'll probably climb on when we're hammered and everyone's excited and it's becoming so so real, this agony over the distance is gunna be gone and I'm gunna have actual responsibility again and ah I'm not even scared I'm so excited

[subtlyrach]

fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend fall in love with your best friend

[subtlyrach]

I can’t wait until I can learn to control my feelings and not have them control me. I hate who I am because of my anxiety sometimes.

[subtlyrach]

grass under melting snow

i can’t keep saying i miss you it’s starting to taste like chalk in my mouth  my jaw is grinding against itself and this hurts

i can’t keep holding my hand open waiting for you to  grab ahold again, i’m allergic to the dust that will settle there i’m not talking to a wall i’m peeling paint  looking for the green on the other side of all this grey but  i’m just getting bloodied hands stark white bones poking out i can’t keep any of this dark inside

i’m feeling like a scratched cd tripping over the same 2 1/2 words  until you’re infuriated with your own favorite song i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- 

i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss yo- i miss- march  when the sun starts to smile again and the dead things start to breathe and you finally get that it’s called spring because of all the water falling from the sky, not flooding your lungs

i miss when my heart didn't want to hibernate

[subtlyrach]

no no no no no no no no no no no no

[subtlyrach]

my soul is just so perfectly content beside his, that's my baby 

[theedgeofalmost]

💛💜💚

[subtlyrach]

disassociation in june

i stay up alone until 5 am beckoning  that when light breaks the barrier of day it will break me too i want to cry vibrantly and see my tears run across the skyline on instagram or something people love to spend their time saturating passion into a  640px x 640px but i'm stickin pins in my eyes just to see what  these belligerent giggling girls in these pics are seeing i don’t like the feeling of saw dust in my  lungs you wouldnt believe the pain air can cause and this hurts like a tattoo of invisible ink across your chest no one was gunna see it anyway its under your fucking shirt but god damn you had to be so artsy about it didnt you rach prove it to yourself that you wouldn't shed another tear about  more pain that no one else saw purpose to

[subtlyrach]

grinding on bleachers while drunk and high

closing my eyes i am in a crowd of people singing the same words with a faceless man standing over us and harmonizing with  the sounds inside of our chests and the feelings in our inner thighs the ground we stand on shakes and the speakers surrounding us smile

after every concert, you’re who’s hand I reach to hold so  I don’t get lost trying to weave through the exiting crowd we run to the buses but something about you always tramples me and  i end up scrapping my knees and we miss the first round i do not mind at all

baby do not think that because you do not know the names to all of my favorite indie bands that you do not inspire whimsical beats inside of me