The winter of existence

[such-a-strange-place]

I consume your essence

Your blood has turned to wine

I hope to one day hold your heart

Just as you now hold mine

[such-a-strange-place]

You held the sky into your arms

And let it melt a thousand times

Until it was just but empty darkness

And morning's notes no longer chimed

[such-a-strange-place]

Trapped in lamenting on being in this body

Uses lost on what I despair

I try to remind of things that are comforts

Around this body that I seem to bear

[such-a-strange-place]

I'll be gone soon love,

So take all you can.

[such-a-strange-place]

Autumn woke me up like a hypnogogic jerk

Sudden lucidity turned my stomach

As though I'd slept for months

/

That chapter changed with the wind

Something approaches

And I can feel everything at once

[such-a-strange-place]

I won't submit to my emotions

I won't let you sink inside

Effortless one sweeping motion

Your tendrils then pierced my mind

[such-a-strange-place]

The ruins of the chapel fell and set free those that haunt the walls.

[such-a-strange-place]

What a shame

to love unto an end

gained a lover

but lost a friend

[mikaelajacques-blog]

““Louise often feels like part of her is “acting.” At the same time , “there is another part ‘inside’ that is not connecting with the me that is talking to you,” she says. When the depersonalization is at its most intense, she feels like she just doesn’t exist. These experiences leave her confused about who she really is, and quite often, she feels like an “actress” or simply, “a fake.””

— Daphne Simeon, Feeling Unreal: Depersonalization Disorder and the Loss of the Self

[such-a-strange-place]

If quitting is cowardice then I am a coward

for what is dwelling within this despair

I don't think it's brave to carry on sinking

just for you to know that im there

[such-a-strange-place]

I guess no one takes notice when i say i’m gonna die

because I’ve been saying that since i was 14

and that always baffles me, because now it's four years later 

and i still cant seem to stand this place where I’ve always been.

so why do I still stand? why am i still here?

why do i wake up everyday when waking up is what i fear?

a fear that my demise will never be too near.

Then I go, out of my mind

i dissociate to escape the thoughts that are never close to kind

like a glass wall between your reality and mine 

I’m left behind

[such-a-strange-place]

I want to die under thunder 

I want to throw a rope around the branch

and i will simply hang there limply 

quitting the race i barely ran

i could barely run anyway

i couldn’t keep up with the rest

i would rather reach my long sought sleep

leaving all of this mess

[such-a-strange-place]

Waiting for someone or something to further the plot

[such-a-strange-place]

When the cold starts to comfort that's when i'm in trouble As when i'm in warmth it burns my skin

Under the surface i start to suffer But to leave this they say that it's sin

[such-a-strange-place]

Darling you’re just like the snow, so beautiful yet oh so cold

[multa--paucis]

I keep dreaming about you. My mind is either a sinister spinner of desire or boundless revealer of truth. Your presence is so ubiquitous in my head.

I’m not sure if I’m haunted by what my mind has created or what could have been (via multa--paucis)

[such-a-strange-place]

“sometimes i forget you’re a person and not just an image in my head with all the mental conversations i feel I’ve made up all you’ve said”