Sue Clan Reviews

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Ally The Slender Doll Re-review

Hello, Mod Loli here! I wanted to re-review this Character because I felt that I may have done something no reviewer should do, I believe I was Biased because I was friends with the characters owner.  So, to clear my conscience, and bring some life back to the sue clan, I am going to re-review Ally the slender doll. Both the story, and the Character Bio, however because the Bio has been updated I will be using the Updated Bio Instead of the one originally sent.

I Will also be pointing out some Historical Inaccuracies, points that should be looked into getting revised, and then compliments at the end! I will also be referring back to my original review for points I feel still stand. Without further adieu, Lets start the review! ( I have gotten permission from Allys owner as well so don’t worry, we aren’t reviewing characters without permission!)

I'm going to start with the Story, The very moment Adeline is stuck with the doctors needle, we as the reader are to assume that they gave her a sedative, which knocks out the patient. However in 1890 (The year she was taken as implied by her Bio.) Medicine was still pretty shitty, because of that the sedatives they had were still highly experimental and as such they wouldn't have used them on a five year old. In fact the sedatives were used on adults who had issues with sleeping. I would also like to note: Her brothers protective nature over her is really sweet, and the promise he made her, I feel like that could have easily been accomplished, especially if the wagon had said Black Forest Mental Institution. Even back then there were ways for family members to visit people, even if it was extremely limited.

You state that once she gets there she is given a Cell instead of a room, During this time period Mental Institutions in Europe had the idea of helping the Mentally Ill get better through Routine activity ( Which you already have down well enough.) However you fail to realize that because of this most mental patients were given a small room with a Bed not a Cell. 

The Matron of the Mental Hospital seems to be using the coercion method of trying to Cure her, I don't know if you meant to do that, or if you just added it for Sympathy points but its accurate to the time period so points for that. While I love that Adeline gets to enjoy sewing and is pretty much a natural at it, I would just like to note that Red fabrics were generally Expensive during that time period, and an Mental Institution would most likely not spend that much on such dyed fabric but would more than likely go with boring and plain colors that were darker as back then it was easier to clean up and didn't stain as easy as lighter colored materials.  Though I could see Nurse Annalie buying it for her, I doubt she would be able to seeing as Female workers were payed horribly during that time.

Those were just historical Inaccuracies about Mental Institutions I just wanted to point out so that you could maybe look into them. Now then, Onto the Matron and things that don't really make that much sense; Why would they Kill her because she's incurable? How would they know? During that point of the story she's only Ten years old, still incredibly young, why would they determine she's incurable?

Another question is why would the Gardener Automatically assume She was running away? Its not like he knew what exactly her situation was, he's a gardener not a doctor and as such he doesn't need to know. This being said he shouldn't assume that she's running away, she's a little girl for all he knew she could be trying to sneak out and smell some flowers in the garden. Another Issue is the Fact Matron assumes Adeline knows whats happening is wrong, Adeline has been there for about Five years and is only Ten, she wouldn't know whats legal in a hospital or not.  However I suppose Fear and Anger makes for Panic and messy thought.

Onto the Murder of Poor little Adeline, Overkill, literally and Figuratively. You make the Matron out to be an intelligent yet sadistic woman, however having her go all out on murdering some poor Mentally ill Ten year old just seems like you're trying to hard, not to mention to go back to a work place covered in blood ( Like I assume she planned to do)  would be a bad move on Matron's Part for sanitary reasons alone. 

Maybe tone it down a bit with the violence shown towards the poor girl, A simple one or two hit kill would have been a "Less is more" Kinda deal because it would be a lot more sympathetic and less " Oh shit dude that sucks." Plus they were in the Black forest, I doubt they would find her body until it was long rotted away if anyone were to go looking for her.

Slenderman Taking pity on Annalie after deciding to kill /everyone/ at the Asylum is a little odd, In the story it shows that he felt bad about humans killing other humans, and he didn't want it near his woods; thus he decided to kill everyone (including patients) in the Asylum except this one woman? All because she was always hanging around a dead child he felt bad about? Maybe elaborate as to why he takes pity on her, like the fact that she was kind and actually wanted to help her patients.

That’s all I really have to say on the story that points out anything I found to be in need of editing.

Now then, Onto the Bio & Design. I'm sorry but I need to say it now; The dress is historically inaccurate, Women Grown like how Ally is after her Resurrection would typically wear dresses with the length down to their ankles at least, but I suppose that doesn't really matter because she's not living in the normal world but instead with the Slender man. (Also, Just a personal Pet peeve of mine, the Red/Black/Blue Combination clashes a bit.)  Moving onto Weapons: I'm glad to see you really cut down on the weapons since the last review, This list makes way more sense and is much less cluttered than the last.

Powers: I'm going to assume they're still dulled down versions of Slendemans so I'm not to concerned about them. Allys strengths and Weaknesses don't seem to contradict each other to much, she just seems like she would be a pain in the ass to fight, like a boss battle you get stuck on and play over and over again until you realize what you did wrong. The Quotes are a little odd for her, but you most likely got them from Rp's so I won't touch on them that much. Nicknames: There are so many Nicknames my god, I really must ask why that is? The one that doesn't really make any sense is Victorian Ghost child, Mostly because she's in Germany and when most people think of the word Victorian, they think of Britain during Queen Victorias rule. Victorian era became that because she was an Iconic figure for her country and set many trends for everyone, Including White wedding gowns to be worn as a sign of wealth! (Little fun fact there :D) 

Points that I feel stand for the Original Review: People with Schizophrenia can do the following: - Hear voices - Hallucinate - Believe they are God or some other fictional being (Not to be offensive to anyone with religion I’m just going with that.) - Harm themselves because they were “Told” to. - Eat things that are extremely dangerous to them for the same reason as above. With Ally you have showcased: - Voices - Hallucinations -* New* Violence -*New* Argumentativeness -*New* Childish behavior at her current age I'm glad you added some more things to her illness that fit in with her story, it fleshes her out a bit more and gives the reader a better understanding. Well onto the rest of it. In the bio you State Ally is a girl who died at the age of 10 back in the 1890’s but was resurrected by slenderman. You State you go by the German Myth for Slenderman and have told me that you used Der Grobmann. Der Grobmann is stated to be a Fairy of the black forest that would take bad children who entered the forest at night away, and stalk children until they told there parent’s of their wrong doings. In the story you sent Ally Escaped the Asylum she was  placed in with the help of the nurse who was motherly towards her, the Asylum as you imply in the story is either near or in the Black forest. The black forest if you do not know, Is called so because the tree’s are so close together that the sunlight does not really reach inside of it, Many people who had gone inside the forest tend to get lost easily because of that. Okay, 8 people are chasing the Child, Marie and 7 guards. This combined with how dense that forest is and how easy it is to get lost there I personally believe the guards and Marie would easily lose track of the Little 10 year old that got a head start and was probably trying to be as quiet and fast as possible. (Sorry if here are any Errors in Spelling or Grammar this review.) Alrighty, So what I recommend is:

Fixing the little historical inaccuracies that I pointed out,

Maybe work on Pacing your story and showing more of Adeline’s Life in the Institution before the whole Escape plan, and Touch on the Over kill thing I pointed out (Cause that’s one of the things that might make people go “ 2 edgy 4 me”) 

Develop side characters/Antagonists/Minor Characters. (Matron, Gardener, ect) I know it sounds stupid to do since they don’t have that much to say in the story, however this does wonders for writing out what happens in a believable way that won’t make people point out things like I did.

Maybe show some bits of Adelines life that she actually liked in the Institution, go into more depth on how sewing and Nurse Annalie make life a bit easier cause that can gain some nice development points. 

Show us why Slenderman took more interest in her, rather than any other patient with her Illness, and why it was he felt pity on just this one little girl, after all there were plenty of patients that probably suffered similar fates he would know about. Also why he didn’t just Kill nurse Annalie and put her out of her misery.

Moving on from that, when he brought her back why did her body age up to Seventeen? That needs a serious explanation cause in Four months you don’t go from Ten to Seventeen, so yeah I would try to work on how that works.

So pretty much TLDR: Work on pacing and showing more of Adelines life, work on reasonable reactions and reasoning for characters actions in the story, work on some of the historical inaccuracies I pointed out, and don’t overkill.

Overall this review was to point things out I didn’t before, I hope you can understand why I didn’t point as much out before.

Ally has always had major potential, She was a controversial character from the start, but you kept going with her and I’m happy you have. She’s a pretty cool character, but she needs work that I hope you’ll give her to make her an even better developed and interesting character that doesn’t just lean on the fact she’s Slender’s Adoptive daughter in a way.

Sue level: about a 5 Due to Certain things I pointed out, but they can be easily fixed with some writing.

References: 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_psychiatric_institutions 

https://www.uvm.edu/landscape/dating/clothing_and_hair/1890s_clothing_women.php

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1890s_in_Western_fashion

http://www.goodmedicinebadbehavior.org/explore/history_of_prescription_drugs.html

Thank you again, for letting me do this, as always you don’t have to follow the advice given here since she’s your character :) Stay sweet! - Mod loli

[sueclanreviews]

Submiter: Missticci Reviewer: Mod loli Image Credit: Missticci Hello there, Mod Loli here to review your character. Unfortunatly you did not respond to our ask pertaining to information about your character within a week, so I had to continue without an answer.

I see your character is for Hetalia, a popular anime series based around personified countries tid-bits of history, and mainly pop-culture references. For my reviews I usually like to point out my favorite things, then my not so favorite things. However, I cannot do that due to the fact that you placed the country of your character as Boko (Republic of)

This makes it unclear, and makes both Bunny Mod and I believe you have made the country based around the terrorist organization Boko Haram, which is a big no no seeing as this can be seen as an attempt to trivialize the actions of the terrorist organization. If you did not mean for it to seem like the terrorist organization, or perhaps misspelled the country you intended to use please message the Blog so we can delete this and do it again, however if you honest to god decided to go with a Terrorist organization for your Hetalia Oc then we have some problems and you should really change that.

First of all, You should change the country, The republic of Boko as you put it ( And as I am seeing this) Is supposed to be a representation for a real life terrorist organization that has harmed and killed many. Making a character based off of such a group makes you look like an uncaring person to be  honest, like you do not care about the fact that this terrorist group has done such bad things. I really think you should just scrap this character and start from scratch with a new country ( and not an organization.) I can see there was a little effort put into making this character, and i'm glad you tried, but over all you put down so little information its hard to make this out as a full fledged character.

My suggestion:

Pick a lesser known little country, maybe an island, research what a vast majority of the people do and love in that country and work from there.

Talk about its main exports and imports, what countries it does the most trade with, put a little bit of that country's history into the bio and use a Common name found in that country for them.

If you want to work one on one with me I am more than open to it so I can help you step by step or just give little tid-bits of advice here and there, but the Oc you have right now needs to be re-created as a new one as it seems to be based around a terrorist organization (Not even a country) with so little information it just counts as the bare bones to a character.

I'm sorry if this didn't seem like a good enough review, but I really think your character needs a lot of work, but once again like always this is only up to you to decide, its your choice as to whether or not you want to take our advice here on this blog.

Helpful resources for if you decide to recreate your character: http://www.worldatlas.com/articles/the-10-smallest-countries-in-the-world.html http://geography.about.com/cs/countries/a/smallcountries.htm http://www.nato.int/cps/en/natolive/nato_countries.htm ( This one is a link to NATO alliances, Formed during the Cold war.)

- Stay Sweet, Mod loli.

[sueclanreviews]

Bunny Mod Reviews: The Hangman

Submitter: the-slender-doll (aka, Invaderika)

Reviewer: Bunny Mod

Let me start off by first apologizing about the long wait that you've had for this review to get done.  I appreciate that despite all that that you're willing to still have this character reviewed. Unlike Mod Loli, I don't have a lot of background in Creepypasta, but I will try to judge him the best that I can. 

For your review I'm going to go in this order: Appearance/Aesthetics, Story, and Overall Characteristics and then finish with a conclusion. 

As a heads up, this review is very long, probably the longest that I’ve ever done, so please be prepared to read for a while.  With that said, let's begin!

Appearance/Aesthetics

Going down the list here....

I find it odd that your character has so many different aliases. I would think that "The Hangman" is enough. Even if he is a well known "myth" in the area, I  don't think that he'd have 8 different names. I don't think even real life myths and ghost stories have more than two or three. It's  unneeded information that can be cut. It doesn't add anything to the character, so the audience doesn't need to know it. As for the rest of his bio stuff, a lot of it seems unnecessary. How important is it that I know his blood type, or his dominant hand, etc. I surely don't think that he's going to be donating blood anytime soon, and his dominant hand means nothing to the audience. It's flavor text that the audience doesn't need. It bogs down what's actually important to the character and detracts from readability.  There's even sections where you say that things are "unknown". If you don't know it, don't list it. If it's not needed, cut it.

Moving on to character design: I find it VERY  unlikely that any rancher would have long hair, espcially in Arizona. Long hair can easily get caught in things and the hot weather would make his job even harder. Him being a mostly immaterial phantom now doesn't excuse that oversight. I assume that his current phantom form is how he looked when he died, so if that's  the case, there isn't any reason for him to have long hair now.

Also, and this is more a critique on your art than the description, but the way you drew Andrew doesn't  match up. You describe him as tall, athletic, and slightly muscular, but I'm not seeing it. He looks like any other thinish anime pretty boy, just in period clothing. This isn't a big deal, but it is an inconsitancy. Maybe he looks taller and more msuclar in comparison to your other characters, but without that reference, he's very... bland and doesn't appear to meet expectations.

Moving on with that topic, I feel like a lot more creativity could have gone into his appearance. Again, he's  generically handsome when he really doesn't have to be. You could have made him a lot "tougher" looking by filling out is jaw, giving him some facial hair, adding age and wrinkles, etc. And there also isn't a bit reason for him to be white either, especially with the context of his death which we'll get into later. There were and are a lot of Spanish and Native people in Arizona, and this character could have fallen into either of those races. And even if I were to ignore the artistic representation of him and go off of the bio entirely, you don't do a very good job at describing this person. You have room to mention his blood type, but none to tell us about his facial features outside of eye color, or even describe his voice? You care too much about the extraneous details and too little about what may actually be important.

Moving on, his visible injuries don't match up to what a hanged person/phantom would  look like. Although blood can be found on hung bodies, it probably wouldn't be to the degree that you've illustrated, and almost certainly not from the eyes. There may be some from his mouth and nose, some of which may have dripped onto his clothes underneath his head, but it wouldn't be around his neck like that. There would probably be a dark ring around his neck from the hanging, but not blood. It's a cheap "effect" that doesn't serve to do anything except to evoke "ooh blood, scary~"! Hanging also isn't usually a slow death, especially if he was dropped from the gallows. The snapping of his neck would have been enough to kill him in an instant.

Overall, I have to admit that there's nothing aesthetically speaking that I like about this character. He's very generic and nothing about him  catches the eye or makes general sense. To improve him, I would recommend not only looking up information about hanged bodies (this is the reference that I used [link]) but also diversifying your character's appearance a little bit more. To reiterate, he's very generic looking in your style. He has the small triangle nose, pointed chin, and regular proportions. If I were to silhouette your character I would not be able to tell him apart from any other generic anime male.

Story

Normally the story would be the most important part, but since this seems to be a character that you roleplay rather than just a general OC, the story holds slightly less weight to the character as a whole. With that being said though, there's not a lot to the story that I like either.

Again, I don't know a lot about Creepypasta, but the ones that I have read/heard have a certain feel to them that yours just doesn't capture. He's just the protagonist of a generic story, but I'm going to pick it apart piece by piece so you can see  exactly where my problems lie.

One, there's no reason for this whole story to be in quotations. Either make Andrew or the victim the narrator or just have an omnipresent one. What you've done is just a tactic to get away with not describing the scenery or the setting. Creepypasta (as I know it) has a lot to do with building up atmosphere. You want the reader to feel suspense, fear, and intrigue as the story progresses. As far as I'm concerned we're just looking at the script for this character rather than his story.

Two, if Daniel was such a good lifelong friend of his, why would he have betrayed Andrew so easily? I know that love can make people do radical things, but it makes Daniel look shallow. If their relationship was more competitive or strained from the beginning then it would make a lot more sense for Daniel to just snap. But just because one girl got between them, all of a sudden they have to become enemies? That makes Andrew just as shallow, because he didn't do anything to try and re-patch the friendship and just allowed them to become rivals. You described him as a man of first impressions, Daniel is a man that he's known since childhood. Don't you think he would have done a lot more to keep his best friend his friend?

Three, was there really no trial held for this guy? I know that it was a long time ago, but they still had trials back then! I can kind of accept that this is just a small backwater town, but did literally no one object to him being hung? There were at least two people that could have spoken up for him, one of them being a priest and the other a doctor, both of which would have had some higher standing in the community. Plus, if the town is small enough to not have to set up a proper trial, then there's certainly no reason why the deputy would be so harsh on him. Logically, he would have known Andrew, and you show that he does by knowing his name right off the bat! Andrew hasn't been shown to cause trouble around the town, and the deputy shouldn't have any major prejudices against him since he's not only white, but also a working man. It could be argued that it's because he's from out of town, but so is Daniel for that matter. And again, going back to the idea that this is a small town, the townsfolk likely would have known about their rivalry and taken that into account during the trial. There is literally no reason for the townsfolk to be acting like this. They have no motivation, no logical prejudices to feed off of, and not even enough sustainable evidence to convict him. These people are stupid, and having them be this stupid detracts from the agency of this story. Not only do I already know that he's going to die unjustly, but I don't care that he's dying. I understand that that's probably the point, to make the townspeople look bad so Andrew is more "justified" in becoming a phantom, but it just makes me not care about the story at all, let alone the characters. Speaking of which...

Four, you have given the audience absolutely no reason to care about what happens to the guy. Even though you've opened the story with us knowing Andrew's fate, a good story would still make me care about what happened to him. And I just don't. His personality isn't shown very well because when he is in the story he's talking with Daniel who is the major focus of that scene, or he's bawling because his wife died and he's in prison. He doesn't show off any of his personality outside of, "I was killed and I'm pissed about it." That's not a very compelling character to me. None of the characters are. Daniel is just some douche, we don't even get to see or hear what he was like when they were friends, Amy could have been replaced with Andrew's favorite lamp and not change anything in the story, the deputy is less dimensional than Mr. Game & Watch, and everyone else is just there to fill up space.

Five, why the heck is he just standing around telling some random dude his story? The text doesn't say that he's tied him up or anything like that because you've written everything as dialogue. I'm left here to assume that this random dude is just waiting patiently as some phantom cowboy tells him a tale. I like to imagine that he just got cozy in his bed and fixed himself a plate of cookies and milk.

Overall this "story", if you can even call it that, has nothing of substance to offer. I'm reading the comments of this thing and it's baffling to me how any of them can say any of these compliments honestly. 

The premise isn't original, we've seen the whole "two best friends get in a fight" story, we've seen the "wrongly convicted" story. There's no twists or turns or any semblance of suspense in the whole thing. It's literally just a guy talking. Show, don't tell please.  

The character is barely original, and there isn't any depth to him. The story is boring and unsuspenseful. I can't emphasize enough how important suspense is to the horror genre, let alone the Creepypasta genre. 

The reader can predict nearly everything that's going to happen in this story. The “supporting” characters and the environment (or rather, the lack thereof) give nothing to offer to the senses. All of the characters are flat, so I don't care what happens to any of them. This could have been a wonderful Southern Gothic with the setting and the theme, but your writing style is too shallow to support it. You need to spend a lot more time at the writing board before you can consider this to be a story.

Overall Characteristics

I'm going to jump back to the bio now and analyze things like abilities, traits, etc.

I feel like both his strengths and weaknesses are very arbitrary. Why does he have any immunity to holy objects? Is there any reason for this? In what lore is electricity a detriment to ghosts/phantoms? When did he sign a contract and become a magical gi- man? Why does him becoming a phantom grant him the ability to do some much stuff? So on and so forth. His weaknesses feel like things that really wouldn't affect him unless it was convenient for the plot, and his strengths can pretty much null all of them anyway. If he can make himself immaterial, then he can literally avoid anything. No ifs, ands, or  buts about it. The only reason why he would be harmed is if he was doing something stupid, and if he's doing something stupid or not paying attention. That part may just be an oversight, but you should read a little bit deeper into the things that you say about your characters.

Also, I don’t think that suffocating someone with a rope is very “stealthy”. That takes a lot of force and the victim would put up a struggle, leading to a lot of evidence being left behind. I like the idea of this being something he does, but it’s just not stealthy, especially if you’re going to have him telling bedtime stories to his victims before he kills them.

I *almost* enjoy the thing about the ravens, but for some reason the idea irks me and I can’t place a finger on why. I guess that it’s because he has little to no reason to be affiliated with ravens in the slightest and it’s a very cliche horror animal. I want to like this idea, but my mind is telling me “no”.

Conclusion

This was not a fun one. This character and his story are flawed from beginning to end. There are no redeeming qualities about him, his story is BORING, and he barley qualifies as a Creepypasta. Creepypastas are about being creepy; nothing is creepy about this guy or his story. If you wanted to just tell a murder story, then go do that. If you want to tell a story about a monster, then you need to make him a lot less falsely sympathetic. I don't have anything good to say about this character. They even cross into being a Sue by default by being a roleplay character with the ability to null all of his weaknesses.

Sue Level: 7/10

Notes and Recommendations:

Rewrite everything from the beginning. I feel like the only way to save this character is to restart from the beginning. Decide, is this a character, or a creep? If he's a character, then him and his story needs to be fleshed out a lot more. If he's a creep, then a lot more emphasis needs to be put on what he does rather than what he's gone through. As he is, he's too "human" to be a creep, but he's too underdeveloped to be a character either. He’s a concept: an idea without grounding.

Diversify. One of your problems is genericness. Break from the mold and come up with a better design/story for this character.

If you do go the story route, put more development in ALL of the characters, not just the protagonist. You treat everybody who isn't the main character as a plot device, and that's bad writing. Everybody needs to have a motive and a reason for everything they do, otherwise the audience doesn't have a reason to care about the story or anyone in it.

TRIM THE FAT. You have WAY too much information that doesn’t amount to anything. Stop worrying about every little mundane detail about your character and focus on the more important things at hand like his actual character.

ADD MORE MEAT. Again, focus on the important details. Your story was very bare bones in terms of what actually happened and the bio was filled with almost nothing but fluff.

Show don’t tell.

You have a semi-solid idea here. Despite it’s unoriginality and blandness, the idea isn’t irredeemable, but a lot of work needs to be done to save it.

Further Reading:

Look up some Southern Gothic. This story seems like it'd be a genre it could fit into. But I'm going to be blunt about this, you need an awful lot of skill to pull it off. Skill that you haven't shown to posses great quantities of. I recommend Flannery O'Connor as a point of reference. She's does a lot of grotesque characters and shows a lot of the ugliness in Southern towns like the one in your story would be. 

This article on Creepypasta characters: [link]. This site also has a couple of articles on horror in general. I find it to be a valuable writing source, especially for amateurs. 

[sueclanreviews]

Mod Loli Reviews ~ Ally's Origin Story/Pasta

Submitter: Invaderika

Reviewer: Mod Loli

Nice to see you again hun VvV Shal we?

THIS IS NOW AN OUTDATED REVIEW, A NEW ONE WILL BE POSTED.

Mod loli here once more, First off, I would like to start by saying that was actually a good read for a characters backstory. 

Alright so, The White hair thing Something to help explain that for you:

Pigment of the hair is caused by the Chemical melanin. Melanin is the main reason our body has pigment in the first place, and it also determines how easy we burn in the sun. It has been proven that through stress on the body, hair can turn white or Grey at an earlier age.

Keep this in mind! :D

I think the random Body change should have some explanation eventually, By that I mean the whole 10 year old to 17.

Im really glad you explained Annelie and Ally's relation ship more, Along with her and Slendermans.

You put reasonable reactions into the story and for a second there I actually thought she was going to make it until I remembered " Gee She's supposed to die, Damn."

In all honesty, I can't say much more, You put reasonable explanations for everything in the story sooooo Short Review! Good job hahah.

Sue level: What sue?

Notes: Nope.

Reading material: Maybe something about the Pigmentation thing, but aside from that none.

[sueclanreviews]

Mod Loli Reviews ~ Slender Doll Ally

Submitter: InvaderIka

Reviewer: Mod Loli

Hello! Another creepy pasta Oc Yay! 

THIS REVIEW IS NOW OUT OF DATE, A NEW ONE WILL BE POSTED

Hello Mod Loli here, Its been a little while before I did a review here.

Anyways lets get onto it.

First thing's First: 1890's was a pretty shitty time to be Institutionalized huh? heheh... Alright seriously though onto why I brought that up.

I see you've listed her type of Schizophrenia as Undifferentiated which means she cannot be categorized. 

Now from what I've learned in Psychology class, People with Schizophrenia can do the following:

- Hear voices

- Hallucinate

- Believe they are God or some other fictional being (Not to be offensive to anyone with religion I'm just going with that.)

- Harm themselves because they were "Told" to.

- Eat things that are extremely dangerous to them for the same reason as above.

With Ally you have showcased:

- Voices

- Hallucinations

Those are only two but are the main two that are used in Diagnosis. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, Nor is it a good thing, Its just a basic thing about your character that isn't really mentioned after her resurrection.

Well onto the rest of it.

In the bio you State Ally is a girl who died at the age of 10 back in the 1890's but was resurrected by slenderman. You State you go by the German Myth for Slenderman and have told me that you used Der Grobmann. 

Der Grobmann is stated to be a Fairy of the black forest that would take bad children who entered the forest at night away, and stalk children until they told there parent's of their wrong doings. 

In the story you sent Ally Escaped the Asylum she was placed in with the help of the nurse who was motherly towards her, the Asylum as you imply in the story is either near or in the Black forest. 

The black forest if you do not know, Is called so because the tree's are so close together that the sunlight does not really reach inside of it, Many people who had gone inside the forest tend to get lost easily because of that.

Okay, 8 people are chasing the Child, Marie and 7 guards. This combined with how dense that forest is and how easy it is to get lost there I personally believe the guards and Marie would easily lose track of the Little 10 year old that got a head start and was probably trying to be as quiet and fast as possible. (This is just a small note for the story you sent, its a small plot hole for many who may have read it and I thought It might help to tell you.)

Just going to move onto the relationships she has with Slenderman and the Nurse.

The legend of Slenderman you use doesn't really have lore around the time Ally met him, meaning you could do whatever quite honestly. You also Said that Slenderman was attracted to her because she could see passed his cloaking mechanism because of her Schizophrenia. Why would she be able to but not other people there with the Illness?

The nurse, Why was she so attracted to Ally? You state maternal instinct, but you also stated there were other children there so why would she be more attracted to Ally?

Maybe you should try and add a little to those two things?

Now away from the back story things, Onto her weapons.

Ally Gained slender's powers at a weaker state, Why would she need:

Poison tipped pins? Chef/Butcher knives?

Surgical Knives I understand if she needs to fix something on her body,

But the two I Questioned really are just over kill, She has Tendrils, Psychic attacks, and Short range teleportation if she really gets into trouble.

I suggest Getting rid of the two unessisary weapons >~>

Now I noticed in her bio you said she is very Agile and flexible in nightmare mode, By the way you describe the gears in her, that Simply is not plausible unless the gears aren't there in nightmare mode, However then there is no actual weakness for her seeing as the Key in her back wouldn't be the weakness anymore. I would think that over some *v*"

Positive notes: 

- Ally is very Original Compaired to other CP Oc's I've seen.

- She is well developed but could use a bit of work.

- If anyone tells you she is a sue, I suggest they read her over like I did.

- Her story makes more sense that lots of other Oc's and goes with the Lore you picked Despite the time gap.

Sue Level: 2/10

Notes: The only reason for the sue points is because you have the unnecessary "Edgy" as some people would call it, Weapons. That and the Small little flexibility thingy, Hey over all you did a great job with her! Elitists Might say other wise because of the Mix for Proxy and Lolita Victorian Based clothing but I say they need to relax and take a minute to see the finer area's of her VvV

Further Reading: Maybe something on gears to get a better understanding for how they would work inside her body? Not much really good job! 

[sueclanreviews]

deviantART Reviews - Amber Dakota Sullivan (original story)

[NOTE: This was not set up as an official review. This started off as just an overview comment that ran on too long. Because of these reasons, no personal info about the author is going to be presented.]

M’kay, I'm just gonna tackle everything in the order than they appear on the list so that it'll be easy to follow then I'll finish it up with an overview. Again, don't take things too personally, we're just telling you what we think.

Ok, first, and this is just a little nitpick, but you forgot the "n" at the end of "American". Also, "heterosexual" is one word. Other than a couple of typos & since this part of the bio is basic, I really don't have much to complain about here. It's all very standard.

APPEARANCE

Uh... how does she have no skin color? Is she invisible? You probably mean "white/peach", but putting "none" has unfortunate implications to it. (Namely that being "white" is the default, which shouldn't be and is not true.) Also, all of the pictures I've seen of your character contradict what you say about her appearance (mostly that the outfits are different than what’s described here). This may be an oversight, but it does need to be addressed. Also, you don't really describe what she looks like; only what she's wearing. I know that you're a novice writer, but I doubt that you're going to "show not tell”. I have no idea what this girl's face is like, and having a visual doesn't excuse this. I don't know if she's fat-faced, if she has a slender nose, if she has thin lips, etc. I don't even know how long her hair is based on the description. You assume that these things will come as second nature to the audience and that they'll just picture her as an "average" looking girl, but the "average" is different for everybody. From exactly what you've described, and not taking reference from anything else, you character looks like this: [link] and I'm CERTAIN that that's not what you're going for. Overall, her design is very boring, Mostly because there's no elaboration, and again, most of the focus seems to be on her outfit, and not how she really looks. The “short description” section is there so that you can elaborate on these things. As an example, here's what I think she may be described as. Ex: She has a lot of angular features, especially in her face with a sturdy nose and sharp chin. Her eyes are large but dismal, often looking for an escape from her troubles. Her plump pillow lips look as if they've never moved from their pursed position, rarely if ever cracking a smile. Etc. etc. I think you get the point. Just elaborate on her appearance a bit more and I think she'll be fine in this section.

PERSONALITY

I’ll get more into why her character alignment is a bit of problem later.

I think it's kind of strange that her disposition changes with the time of day, but I guess it's nothing unheard of (especially since she's a vigilante). But it makes me as the viewer have to wonder which side is her "true" self since these two sides are pretty contradictory. I mean, it's possible to be most of these traits at the same time (a shy person can be inwardly hostile, however it's unlikely that they'd actually be "threatening" since that would imply confidence, and being shy of course would refute that.), but the fact that you made the distinction between these traits as being a part of a day-night cycle makes it sound like this is more of a split-personality than anything else. This could make for some interesting character development, but if I'm to take this at face value, she's starting to show the signs of a sue in progress (namely, a good/evil side). She's not quite there, but she is taking a lot of the same turns down the road.

Well that is one heck of a quirk. I do wish that you elaborated more on this so I could comment on it more, but it's difficult to comment on bare bones information. I'd also figure that that'd be something more akin to an occupation, not a quirk. A quirk is more like a hiccup in human design, like biting your nails, or tapping your foot when you're happy. That's why a "quirky" person, may also be described as a "weird" or "unique" person. Being a vigilante is not a quirk, it's just something that she does. That's like saying I walk to school is a quirk. Yeah, it's uncommon, but that's just something I do, not a quirk.

What lie? That she's a vigilante? This is why the audience needs some elaboration. I know that this is just a "fill in the blank" sort of template, but you can elaborate if this is all the info you're going to have to describe your character. Granted, I realize that you just got an account here, so you're probably still settling in and getting information together, but first impressions are important, and you can't just blurt something out and not explain what it means.

Her biggest goals & worst fears also don't make much sense without elaboration. I can assume that she wants a normal life from being a vigilante, but that sort of goes against the concept. A vigilante is someone who takes it upon themselves to take action against criminals when they think their local law enforcement isn't doing a good enough job. Sometimes it'll be a group (possibly even more often, but I usually only hear the term "vigilante" in reference to a single person), but these are people who have chosen to these things. Sort of like Batman, he chose to become a vigilante out of vengeance and a need to bring justice to the death of his parents, but he still did it out of his own will and desire. My point being, if she's truly a vigilante, then she's choosing to do all this, and could stop at any point (and if she can't, you don't make that clear or apparent in this bio). Having her worst fear being to enjoy killing people, makes it sound like she's currently killing people, which is not a good thing. She's starting to sound less like a chaotic good, and more of a chaotic evil that thinks that what she's doing is good. Not helping the fact is that her other worst fear is the denial of redemption, which also implies that she's killing people, but now that it's for the "wrong" reason. I don't know if that's what you're going for, but if it is, it's kind of unclear and ambiguous.

The way that your bio is set up, you make it sound like she's not in control of her actions, but you still have clashing information which suggests that she is in control, and this leads the audience feeling conflicted because they don't know what's going on, and it really doesn't seem like that's what you're going for.

Otherwise, I do think that her other internal conflict ("What Keeps Me Down") is a legitimate conflict which may be considered an "adult fear" of sorts and could make for some tense situations, but everything else is very muddled.

INTERESTS

See, here's some of that clashing information that I was talking about. She patrols the city (presumably for her vigilantism) but considering that she considers it a "hobby" of hers and that she occupies herself with other activities, the audience is again led to believe that she does this on her own time by her own will. Also, it's VERY conflicting that she wants to be a Police Officer WHILE GOING OUT OF HER WAY TO DEFY THE LAW. I'm starting to believe that you don't fully understand what a vigilante is or does, which again, primarily believes that the government’s appointed law officials don’t do their jobs well enough.

Also, how is she "bad" at doing "bad" things? One of her major conflicts is that she doesn't want to enjoy killing people, which if I may remind you, implies that she's in a position where she kills people, which is wrong in every circumstance. It may be civilly justified, but it'll always be morally unjust (unless her concept of morality disregards sentient life, which again, pushes her into the chaotic evil territory). So it sounds like she's pretty "good" at doing "bad" to me.

Everything else I suppose is alright. She has a fairly interesting interest of archaeology, science, and language that adds a bit of depth to her character, and the things that she doesn't like are pretty believable. However, I do have to deduct points for listing "enemies" and "bullies" as things she "doesn't like". Those sorts of things go without saying, by definition, enemies and bullies are traditionally people that you don't like. It would be more surprising if these were people that she DID like (and thus would not consider them to be enemies or bullies).

PEOPLE

I guess it's really my fault for setting this section up so horribly, but this entire section tells me essentially nothing. I don't know who her friends are with the exception of Kaiden, I don't know who/what "The Organization" is, And everyone else is a non-entity. Her reason for disliking The Organization lacks elaboration. What kind of experiments were they running? Did it involve her directly? Was she being experimented on? Was it a close friend? Animals? I don't know because you don't tell me, and to be honest, it's a very generic set-up. We've heard this story before. I've written this story before when I was a much more novice writer in middle school, and it really sucked. Again, I know that you're new here, so you're probably still in the process of putting together the stories behind a lot of these people, but you should release that before the full bio. It helps the audience to follow along and understand what's going on and who you're talking about. Right now, without any set-up or previous knowledge, all of this tells me nothing except that she has friends outside of Kaiden.

OTHER

Why does she have swords? Considering her birthday, that implies that the story takes place in our modern day, a time when swords are thoroughly unused by everybody except for sport. Not to mention that not only is the story happening in real-time, but it's happening in real-time AMERICA, where having a sword is even more obsolete since just about everyone (who regularly engages in battle) uses a gun of some kind. Some people may carry around knives, but that's a lot more practical and efficient than freaking swords. You don't even tell us what kind of swords she's using. Since most of the time people will elaborate if it's a katana (a sort of cartoons vs. anime kind of thing), I have to assume that she's using the traditional English broadsword or a cutlass, the other "default" swords. She likely wouldn't be carrying around broadswords since just one of those is pretty darn heavy let alone two, and cutlasses are more used for ceremonial purposes and pirates. The only reason I can see for her to have them is "Rule of Cool", which is a stupid reason. If she needs to slash someone, just give her a pocket knife. It's easier to get to & carry around, and is overall just more practical for what she's doing. Having two pistols is a little more reasonable, but is also generic. If I had a dollar for every OC that I've seen with two pistols, I'd probably have enough money to buy out an entire dollar store. I don't have an alternate solution, but that doesn't change that this is still a lackluster design choice. She's just your average "dark-past/present-gunslinger-that-might-have-a-split-personality OC".

I also listened to her theme song and I suppose that it does help to characterize the character, however that isn't necessarily a good thing. It does hit a lot of the "emotions" that surrounds the character, but that just furthers my opinion that the character is generic as sob story OCs go.

(And if I can take the time to plug one of my favorite producers, may I recommend "Yuyoyuppe" if you're into J-Rock. He has a similar sound to Evanescence, but ya'know, Japanese. Here's a link to one of his songs if you're interested https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kD71aD8DEYM . I just thought I'd bring it up since that's sort of what the song reminded me of.)

OVERALL

Amber is just very bland and doesn't give me anything new as totally original characters go. She takes a lot of cues from Batman while also adding some very textbook angst. From the bio, her motivations are very muddled and it's difficult to tell if what she's doing is of her own volition or an outside force. While you do make it apparent that there is some semblance an overarching villain (the Organization), it's unclear what her connection to them is or if it's even relevant to work as a vigilante. A lot of her internal conflict comes across as unintelligible since it seems like it'd be easy enough for her to get out of her situation. While that probably isn’t the case, it comes across as such.

You also use a lot of words without knowing what they mean, which is a huge red flag for an amateur writer. I'm sure that eventually you'll grow out of that, but as it stands now, you've got a lot of improving to do.

Besides some spicing up, your character really needs some elaboration. Normally I would blame this on the nature of the template, but it's clear from your writing style that you write very simply, so this may be a problem that persists through your work and may continue if you don’t address it as soon as possible.

My recommendations for you would be to look up a bit of character design to draw some inspiration from so that your character isn't as bland. I'd also recommend that you develop the character before you develop the story. Once you do that, it should be easier to move them around in the environment that you've created.

Also, because a lack of elaboration is a problem that's persisted with many of our clients, I've rewritten the template to help avert that. You can check it out to see if any of the new sections will help out with developing your character further.

Thank you for allowing us to comment on your character. If you have any comments, questions, or concerns, please let us know and we'll address them as soon as possible!

[sueclanreviews]

Bunny Mod Reviews - Balling Four (MLP:FiM)

Submitter: mlploverandsoniclover

Reviewer: Bunny Mod

Alright, thank you for submitting another character! I'm glad that my first review didn't scare you off. Perseverance, I like that!

So, without anymore delay, let's begin. As per usual, let's start with the bad things first.

One, her IQ. At an IQ of 50, she should have moderate mental retardation (or I think that the new term is mentally impaired? I don't remember). If that's what you're going for, that's fine (I think it would be interesting to see more well written handicapped characters), but I want you to be aware of what you've said about your character. I'm just bringing it up because "50" is such a "clean" and "roundabout" number, that it feels like it was chosen arbitrarily ( if you had said something like "53" it wouldn't have stuck me as hard as it did because that's a more "specific" number), but I apologize in advance if this is not the case.

Two, her color scheme is very reminiscent of another canon character's, namely Fluttershy. I don't know if that sort of thing is widely accepted in the community, but anywhere else that would raise a red flag, so I think that it bears mentioning. I think that her notability could be improved with an alternate palette. These aren't much better, but here's what I came up with. You don't have to use any of these. I just made them so you could get some ideas. Personally, I think that complementary colors work the best because no matter how "Bad" of a color you choose as the base, if you match it up with it's complement, it'll always be less grating to look at.

Three, the bio provided is very bare bone, and doesn't elaborate enough for me to get a good feel of the character. It's like reading a birth certificate. Yeah, these are things about her, but there isn't much that I can do with that information other than identify them. I don't know who they truly are. I don't know they're fun, or nice, or ambitious, or ticklish. I don't know anything. Let me elaborate what I mean. "Personality: Very Happy", ok, but that doesn't tell me anything much about her, not to mention that being "happy" is a disposition, not a personality trait. A personality trait is a trait which describes how a person acts towards other people. This is why a character's personality can be described as "kind" or "benevolent" (because they are kind to other people), "malicious" (because they deliberately cause pain in other people), etc. You can't really be "happy" to anyone. In you can be happy in itself, but as I said earlier, that's a disposition. A better description may be something like, "bouncy", which can be used to describe someone who is fun, energetic, and resilient (and also relates to balls!) However, this problem extends to most everything. Why is her sister a rival? What are they competing for? If they're rivals, does this mean that their relationship is strained? What's the point of putting an "Enemies" section if she has no enemies? The fact that she doesn't like fighting isn't really a "weakness", that's just something that she is/does. A better description to convey this would be something like, "She's such a pacifist that she has trouble standing her ground, making it easy for people to walk all over her." That's a legitimate weakness because it's something that's holding her back in life. Because she's unassertive, she can't get what she wants in life, which is what defines a character weakness. What do you mean by "top magic"? Is saying that like saying "top speed", like that's her maximum power, or is that more like, that's what her magic does? I'm a bit confused on that one, sorry. She seriously doesn't have any friends that you can name? Again, it might as well not be there. Etc. Overall, there's just not enough here for me to work with in terms of identifying this character as anything more than a shell for greater potential.

Four, her name. This technically isn't a "sue" thing or even really a bad thing, but I don't think that it rolls of the tongue very well. From my limited experience, it seems like most character names are either based on a pun, a phrase, a noun, or adjective/verb-noun format (there may be some other ones, but those seem like the most common. And you technically one of those, but it doesn't sound very nice when you say it out loud. A better sounding/fitting name could be something like "Ball Pitts" or something like that. There aren't many characters (if any) that are named AFTER their cutie marks verbatim. Ex "Rarity" isn't named "Gem Finder". Her name instead relates to her more refined tastes, and a lot of gem stones may be considered a "rarity". Her name is based more on the concept that she embodies, rather than directly relate to her talent and cutie mark. As another example, “Rainbow Dash”. While this one is a little more direct in relation to her cutie mark/special ability (she's rainbow colored, and her ability may be described as "dashing"), it still follows one of the above formats, and thus rolls off the tongue better.  Again, this isn't a big problem; it's just an aesthetic choice that I think could be made better.

Five, the cutie mark. This is just another aesthetic thing, but the design of her cutie mark feels very generic and is sort of weird looking. I recognize that you're using bases for a lot of your work and that drawing the extra bits may be a little more difficult for you either due to the program you're using or the tools, but I think that the design could still be a little more refined, like you say that her cutie mark is a "paw ball", so I think it's be more aesthetically pleasing if the center ball was bigger than the other ones, like a paw-print. Kind of like this:

It's also a bit grating to see that much color on an otherwise two-color character. It's a bit distracting and overall feels out of place. Honestly, I don't think cutie marks can be more than 3 colors with certain exceptions, but I'm not sure about that one, so don't quote me on it. All I know is that it's weird looking to me.

Six, I think it's a bit weird that she has nothing in common with her family. Maybe that's what you were going for, as a way to make her stand out as the "red-headed step-child of the family" sort of thing, but otherwise it's a bit offsetting to see this running theme of knots and hearts and then have it offset by balls.

Overall, the problems with this character aren't very serious and mainly deal with there not being enough information for me to comment on in detail and some aesthetic choices. But let's look at what you did right.

I DO think that her affinity with ball pits is a pretty unique idea. I don't think that I've ever heard of anything like it (but then again, I didn't think it was possible to actually COLLECT the actual pits.) Personally, I think that it'd be a funny gag that balls always get stuck to the tip of her horn when she's diving. So I think that adds a little bit of quirkiness which can add onto her character.

Two, I do think that this character is better than Gaby because she isn't overpowered in any sort of way. She's just a regular little unicorn, but she stands out by having a unique interest and talent. So I think that with some elaboration, this could be a pretty cool character,

Really, there's nothing much else I can say about her. Since there's not much to her, I can't say anything too solid on either the good side or the bad side of things. Even though I said a lot more 'bad' than good, most of what I said isn't really that harsh, and has to deal more with stylization than the actual character.

The best advice that I can give for you to do is to simply elaborate on your characters. This was a problem with your first submission as well. If you could just go into a little more detail about this character, then I think that she'd be a lot more memorable and enjoyable.  

Sue Level: 2/10

Notes and Recommendations:

ELABORATE!

Don't add excess info if it doesn't matter (referring back to the whole "enemies" thing.

Change her color scheme to not resemble a canon character's so much.

Possibly change her cutie mark. I did come up with an alternate idea (a bouncing red ball), but I think you can be more creative than that.

Further Reading: None that I can think of. This is a fairly simple character that doesn't need much improvement other than some elaboration.

[sueclanreviews]

mlploverandsoniclover's Balling Four is Being Processed

Thank you for submitting another character! (At this rate, we might as well call this blog mlploverandsoniclover's reviews XD).

Since Bunny Mod reviewed your MLP character last time, she's going to do it again since this seems like a revamp of your previous character.

[sueclanreviews]

Bunny Mod Reviews - Gaby (MLP:FiM)

Submitter: mlploverandsoniclover

Reviewer: Bunny Mod

Alrighty! Thank you for submitting another character to us! We truly appreciate it! Now, I should warn you that I'm known to be a lot more harsh than my colleague, so please take what I say with a grain of salt and not as a personal attack. I don't water down, and I'm fairly blunt. So let's get a move on and start the review!

Ok, starting off, your character is over powered to the max. If she was any more of a god mod, she'd be an alicorn princess!

Now, I'm not too familiar with the MLP mythos, but I know enough to see what's wrong with her in the context of the show.

One, the name. I understand that she's a ponysona of yourself, but you could be a little more creative than that! Even her sister which you just barely mention has a name more like an MLP character's (albeit, it's still pretty awful). It's just a minor thing, but please, if you're going to go through the trouble of making a persona which is specifically an MLP character, then have her fit in a little better, starting with the name!

Two, your description shows that you have a limited understanding of what a cutie mark actually is and does. A cutie mark symbolizes a pony's talent/purpose in life. Canonically, ponies only have one special talent. Yeah, they can do things outside of what their cutie mark dictates, but they all only have that "one" thing that makes them special. They appear when that pony realizes their talent and can put it to use. Your character has like four or five, not to mention their other abilities that are unrelated to their cutie mark. Just pick one special talent for your pony to have and be done with it. Yeah she can draw, yeah she can sing, etc, but are any of those her "special" talent? From the looks of it, no. Those are just things that she does, and quite frankly, anyone can do without it being cutie mark worthy. You seem to put a certain emphasis on the concept of "heart", so maybe her "special talent" could relate to that? I don't really have any specifics in mind since you were quite sparing with the information that you provided, but I'm sure that you can come up with something.

Three, only unicorns & alicorns can naturally use magic (at least in the general sense. Pegasi are implied to have some sort of weather magic and earth ponies have magic over the earth and life, but I don't think that this is ever specifically addressed to as being "magic"). You justify it by making up a completely new and irrelevant species, a "Royal Wing Pegasus". What was wrong with just making her a unicorn or even a regular pegasus? What makers her so special that she can just bend the rules like that? Making your oc something outside of the canon lore feels like an excuse to make your oc "special". Granted, that is technically creative and unique, but that doesn't mean that it's a good idea, and even so, there have been a lot of other people who've bullshited this sort of thing as well. In short, her "magic eyes" are absurd and could have easily been replaced by making this character a normal unicorn or even a normal pegasus/earth pony who has a magical artifact of some kind. But this royal wing pegasus nonsense? That needs to stop right now.

Four, why is she a princess? There is no reason (as far as I can tell) that she should be a princess other than to justify her royal wings, which I just completely debunked. It isn't adding anything to her, so giving her the title makes her feel more like a sue by default.

If I can give you credit for anything, her design is fairly nice as terrible ocs go. She isn't very obtrusive in terms of design, and for the most part the colors look fine. She is disturbingly human looking in design (having a brown mane and a coat color which is closer to human skin tones), but I guess that's just how a lot of ponysonas look. I think her design would have been better if you hadn't deliberately given her clothing which obstructs her cutie mark and had instead gone with the traditional princess gear (crown, shoes, crest), or even have her naked, but it isn't a big problem since you still showcase her cutie mark on her crown. However, even with saying that, the design of the cutie mark is very uninspired and generic. Though I do think it was fairly clever that each of the colors is actually symbolic, it still isn't a very good design visually. It's a twelve-point star with a heart in the middle. It's just a few points off from being Twilight's cutie mark with a heart smacked onto it, and where's the fun in that? Overall, your character needs a lot more work put into her. There’s not a lot of information to go by, but for what’s here there’s almost nothing that can redeem it without changing a lot of her fundamentals.

My advice would be to break her down and do some reverse engineering. Figure out what her special talent is and build her up from there. As an example to help you out, let's say that her special talent is being an artist. Her cutie mark should reflect that. As a generic option, let's say that her cutie mark is a paint brush of some kind that makes a heart. Now we can build her up from here. There are many tropes surrounding the "artist" stereotype, such as "the starving artist". So let's take that one and roll with it. We can say that she's an artist pony (let's say pegasus) who makes a meager living selling her paintings which she makes with her wings. Even though she doesn't make much money, she still lives a very happy life doing what she loves, which is to create works of art. But, one of the more beautiful things about the characterization in MLP, is that while a lot of the characters are generic and stereotypical on the surface, they have a much deeper inside which makes them more relatable to the audience. So let's say our new artist pony (I'm just going to call her Gesso Meadow) actually longs to make it big in an art gallery (or something to that effect), so while she is fine with her meager pay, she has a stronger ambition to do more with her special talent, and thus she spends a lot of her time trying to improve her craft, etc. etc.

Do you see what I'm trying to get at? It's not that hard to do these sorts of things on a whim, so it should be even easier when you have a base to work off of, which is to say yourself since your oc is a reflection of yourself. Focus less on what you WANT to be, and more on who you actually ARE. This should help you to develop your character more strongly.

Sue Level: 9/10

Notes and Recommendations: 

Change her name & cutie mark

Don't make her a princess

Keep her a canon species

Focus on one talent

Further Reading: I suggest reading more about the MLP mythos and get a better understanding of the world and how many of its elements it work. Even as someone who's only caught three episodes minimum has a stronger understanding of the show  from research alone than you do as someone who claims in their user name to be a "fan" of. 

[sueclanreviews]

mlploverandsoniclover's Gaby is being Processed

Thank you for submitting another character. This time, Bunny Mod will take a look at it.

Your review will be posted once it's finished.

[sueclanreviews]

CreepyCorner Review- Gabrielle

Submitter: mlploverandsoniclover

Reviewer: Loli Mod

 Image Credit: Mlploverandsoniclover

The first official review, I feel special VvV I do hope you will be alright with how I do this and feel free to ask questions afterward!

Hello Mod Loli here with the first Character to be reviewed! Your very lucky, I happen to be an expert on creepypasta! First off: I'ma thinkin' your the first Anon for the creepy corner Am I right? Second: I'm sorry to say this hun, But it seems ya got what we here call- Copy-chan (Link: http://thesueclan.tumblr.com/post/52879500923/the-clans-guide-to-sues-copy-chan ) You have the Scanner kind from what I can tell, And your overlapping Sue-type is mostly Power-chan (http://thesueclan.tumblr.com/post/33466313885/she-looks-so-chubby-in-the-second-pannel) I just wanna say, Im happy you came here for a review or your character would be brushed aside with Mary the Killer Type creepypasta characters. Some examples are: Nina the killer, Ju the killer, ect. (You see the pattern here?) The problem with yours is, Well She seems to be heavily based off of Jeff the killer, With such dialogue as "You're all gonna be perfect!'' The other thing that makes me think Jeff and Mary the killer is, Her randomly increased strength. I'm pretty sure a 16 year old girl wouldn't be able to over power two adults, and just so happen to slice them in half with just a Knife. That's quite frankly unrealistic, a knife wouldn't give a clean or swift enough cut to actually go through the human body unless the girl were to continuously stab the same spots of the body till they started splitting. The other thing that hints towards being a Mary the killer, Is the Bullied trope, I mean Yes trust me I know that bullying can push a person off edge, my school ended up getting a bomb threat just last year because of it. But its over-used, Cliche especially if shes supposed to be a creepy pasta character. The reason she's being bullied itself is pretty bad hun, Brown eyes with red pupils? The only way a person would be seen with red pupils is through the flash of a camera in the picture it takes,In the eye, the pupil is the opening in the middle of the iris. It appears black because most of the light entering it is absorbed by the tissues inside the eye. This means that it would be pretty impossible for her Pupils to be red. The last thing i'm going to mention before helping, Whats with the sudden name change? In the beginning she is called Gabrielle, But then shes dubbed Jazz? I would put some explanation for that.

Onto the Help area: First things first, I think you should start with the eyes and motive for her snap. Like I said above, the red Pupils would be impossible and she would most likely be blind if she actually had them seeing as the black area of the pupil is where light bounces off, that's why when the camera flashes you cant see so well. Then that would tie into the Bullying snap Motive, which if you don't want to change that, I would like you to work hard to make it realistic and understandable not Half-assed and cliche. If you don't want to use that motive again, then maybe try a few others: Stumbling upon a cult and being dragged into it, Revenge (Maybe towards someone who ruined their life?), or you could take the good old blackmailed route where your character blackmailed into doing someones dirty work. (Though the last idea wasn't very scary) You have many options in the world of horror, and all that really matters is how you execute it and how you present your character and self. The last thing, rather minor in a way, her wardrobe, the whole shirt skirt hoodie thing, it doesn't give her much protection against the elements, nor does it help defend her if someone fights back. I hope this helped, and if you have any questions ask me and Ill answer as best I can!

Sue Level: 8/10

Notes and recommendations: I give you credit for not pairing her with anyone like this, but over all I think you should start over with her.

Further Reading/Sources: Perhaps read up on common horror cliche's and look up house hold items that can be used as a weapon.

[sueclanreviews]

mlploverandsoniclover's Gabrielle is being Processed

Thank you for submitting your character!

They are set to be reviewed by Mod Loli. Your review will be posted once it's complete.

[sueclanreviews]

What did i miss out on the rules?

Bunny Mod

ALL of the information retaining to your character should be posted on pastebin and a link to your paste should be given. I apologize if this was unclear in the rules, I will revise them immediately to reflect this.

We want to keep the submissions short so that they're easier to filter through in our inbox. Tumblr does not shorten these, so putting an extra long bio/information makes it more difficult for us to read through your submission as well as sort it out from others. The example submission is here. This is what your submission should generally look like. 

I apologize for the confusion. We would appreciate it if you would resubmit your character properly. Thank you.

[sueclanreviews]

mlploverandsoniclover your submission can not be prossed

Please refer to the rules. They are there for a reason.

[sueclanreviews]

User404's Serenity is Being Processed (Processing Post Example)

Thank you for submitting your OC! They are currently being processed by Bunny Mod. Your review should be ready within the next few days.

[sueclanreviews]

SUBMISSION POST EXAMPLE

Character Name: Princess Serenity Marion Suetheon

Username: Anonymous404

Reviewer of Preference: None

http://pastebin.com/Qnmyvwrt

This is an example submission. You can add any minor comments that you'd like here. We'd appreciate all submissions being in this general format. Thank you!

Please Note: Submissions will not be posted like this, but processing messages will be posted when your submission has been received by one of the mods (or the mod of preference). 

(Image Credit: Homestuck)

[sueclanreviews]

Review Example (Character Name)

Submitter: UserName404

Reviewer: Bunny Mod

(Image Credit: Homestuck (c) Andrew Hussie)

Introduction, minor comments. Full review under the cut.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars. The stars said 'hi' and then 'goodbye', and so the moon was sad. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars. The stars said 'hi' and then 'goodbye', and so the moon was sad.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars. The stars said 'hi' and then 'goodbye', and so the moon was sad.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars.

The stars said 'hi' and then 'goodbye', and so the moon was sad.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars. The stars said 'hi' and then 'goodbye', and so the moon was sad.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars. The stars said 'hi' and then 'goodbye', and so the moon was sad.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars. The stars said 'hi' and then 'goodbye', and so the moon was sad.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy moon, and on the moon he said hello to all the stars.

Sue Level: 4/10

Notes and Recommendations: Try changing their overall skill level and plot role.

Further Reading/Sources: List of Tv Tropes & Books