Ally The Slender Doll Re-review
Hello, Mod Loli here! I wanted to re-review this Character because I felt that I may have done something no reviewer should do, I believe I was Biased because I was friends with the characters owner. So, to clear my conscience, and bring some life back to the sue clan, I am going to re-review Ally the slender doll. Both the story, and the Character Bio, however because the Bio has been updated I will be using the Updated Bio Instead of the one originally sent.
I Will also be pointing out some Historical Inaccuracies, points that should be looked into getting revised, and then compliments at the end! I will also be referring back to my original review for points I feel still stand. Without further adieu, Lets start the review! ( I have gotten permission from Allys owner as well so don’t worry, we aren’t reviewing characters without permission!)
I'm going to start with the Story, The very moment Adeline is stuck with the doctors needle, we as the reader are to assume that they gave her a sedative, which knocks out the patient. However in 1890 (The year she was taken as implied by her Bio.) Medicine was still pretty shitty, because of that the sedatives they had were still highly experimental and as such they wouldn't have used them on a five year old. In fact the sedatives were used on adults who had issues with sleeping. I would also like to note: Her brothers protective nature over her is really sweet, and the promise he made her, I feel like that could have easily been accomplished, especially if the wagon had said Black Forest Mental Institution. Even back then there were ways for family members to visit people, even if it was extremely limited.
You state that once she gets there she is given a Cell instead of a room, During this time period Mental Institutions in Europe had the idea of helping the Mentally Ill get better through Routine activity ( Which you already have down well enough.) However you fail to realize that because of this most mental patients were given a small room with a Bed not a Cell.
The Matron of the Mental Hospital seems to be using the coercion method of trying to Cure her, I don't know if you meant to do that, or if you just added it for Sympathy points but its accurate to the time period so points for that. While I love that Adeline gets to enjoy sewing and is pretty much a natural at it, I would just like to note that Red fabrics were generally Expensive during that time period, and an Mental Institution would most likely not spend that much on such dyed fabric but would more than likely go with boring and plain colors that were darker as back then it was easier to clean up and didn't stain as easy as lighter colored materials. Though I could see Nurse Annalie buying it for her, I doubt she would be able to seeing as Female workers were payed horribly during that time.
Those were just historical Inaccuracies about Mental Institutions I just wanted to point out so that you could maybe look into them. Now then, Onto the Matron and things that don't really make that much sense; Why would they Kill her because she's incurable? How would they know? During that point of the story she's only Ten years old, still incredibly young, why would they determine she's incurable?
Another question is why would the Gardener Automatically assume She was running away? Its not like he knew what exactly her situation was, he's a gardener not a doctor and as such he doesn't need to know. This being said he shouldn't assume that she's running away, she's a little girl for all he knew she could be trying to sneak out and smell some flowers in the garden. Another Issue is the Fact Matron assumes Adeline knows whats happening is wrong, Adeline has been there for about Five years and is only Ten, she wouldn't know whats legal in a hospital or not. However I suppose Fear and Anger makes for Panic and messy thought.
Onto the Murder of Poor little Adeline, Overkill, literally and Figuratively. You make the Matron out to be an intelligent yet sadistic woman, however having her go all out on murdering some poor Mentally ill Ten year old just seems like you're trying to hard, not to mention to go back to a work place covered in blood ( Like I assume she planned to do) would be a bad move on Matron's Part for sanitary reasons alone.
Maybe tone it down a bit with the violence shown towards the poor girl, A simple one or two hit kill would have been a "Less is more" Kinda deal because it would be a lot more sympathetic and less " Oh shit dude that sucks." Plus they were in the Black forest, I doubt they would find her body until it was long rotted away if anyone were to go looking for her.
Slenderman Taking pity on Annalie after deciding to kill /everyone/ at the Asylum is a little odd, In the story it shows that he felt bad about humans killing other humans, and he didn't want it near his woods; thus he decided to kill everyone (including patients) in the Asylum except this one woman? All because she was always hanging around a dead child he felt bad about? Maybe elaborate as to why he takes pity on her, like the fact that she was kind and actually wanted to help her patients.
That’s all I really have to say on the story that points out anything I found to be in need of editing.
Now then, Onto the Bio & Design. I'm sorry but I need to say it now; The dress is historically inaccurate, Women Grown like how Ally is after her Resurrection would typically wear dresses with the length down to their ankles at least, but I suppose that doesn't really matter because she's not living in the normal world but instead with the Slender man. (Also, Just a personal Pet peeve of mine, the Red/Black/Blue Combination clashes a bit.) Moving onto Weapons: I'm glad to see you really cut down on the weapons since the last review, This list makes way more sense and is much less cluttered than the last.
Powers: I'm going to assume they're still dulled down versions of Slendemans so I'm not to concerned about them. Allys strengths and Weaknesses don't seem to contradict each other to much, she just seems like she would be a pain in the ass to fight, like a boss battle you get stuck on and play over and over again until you realize what you did wrong. The Quotes are a little odd for her, but you most likely got them from Rp's so I won't touch on them that much. Nicknames: There are so many Nicknames my god, I really must ask why that is? The one that doesn't really make any sense is Victorian Ghost child, Mostly because she's in Germany and when most people think of the word Victorian, they think of Britain during Queen Victorias rule. Victorian era became that because she was an Iconic figure for her country and set many trends for everyone, Including White wedding gowns to be worn as a sign of wealth! (Little fun fact there :D)
Points that I feel stand for the Original Review: People with Schizophrenia can do the following: - Hear voices - Hallucinate - Believe they are God or some other fictional being (Not to be offensive to anyone with religion I’m just going with that.) - Harm themselves because they were “Told” to. - Eat things that are extremely dangerous to them for the same reason as above. With Ally you have showcased: - Voices - Hallucinations -* New* Violence -*New* Argumentativeness -*New* Childish behavior at her current age I'm glad you added some more things to her illness that fit in with her story, it fleshes her out a bit more and gives the reader a better understanding. Well onto the rest of it. In the bio you State Ally is a girl who died at the age of 10 back in the 1890’s but was resurrected by slenderman. You State you go by the German Myth for Slenderman and have told me that you used Der Grobmann. Der Grobmann is stated to be a Fairy of the black forest that would take bad children who entered the forest at night away, and stalk children until they told there parent’s of their wrong doings. In the story you sent Ally Escaped the Asylum she was placed in with the help of the nurse who was motherly towards her, the Asylum as you imply in the story is either near or in the Black forest. The black forest if you do not know, Is called so because the tree’s are so close together that the sunlight does not really reach inside of it, Many people who had gone inside the forest tend to get lost easily because of that. Okay, 8 people are chasing the Child, Marie and 7 guards. This combined with how dense that forest is and how easy it is to get lost there I personally believe the guards and Marie would easily lose track of the Little 10 year old that got a head start and was probably trying to be as quiet and fast as possible. (Sorry if here are any Errors in Spelling or Grammar this review.) Alrighty, So what I recommend is:
Fixing the little historical inaccuracies that I pointed out,
Maybe work on Pacing your story and showing more of Adeline’s Life in the Institution before the whole Escape plan, and Touch on the Over kill thing I pointed out (Cause that’s one of the things that might make people go “ 2 edgy 4 me”)
Develop side characters/Antagonists/Minor Characters. (Matron, Gardener, ect) I know it sounds stupid to do since they don’t have that much to say in the story, however this does wonders for writing out what happens in a believable way that won’t make people point out things like I did.
Maybe show some bits of Adelines life that she actually liked in the Institution, go into more depth on how sewing and Nurse Annalie make life a bit easier cause that can gain some nice development points.
Show us why Slenderman took more interest in her, rather than any other patient with her Illness, and why it was he felt pity on just this one little girl, after all there were plenty of patients that probably suffered similar fates he would know about. Also why he didn’t just Kill nurse Annalie and put her out of her misery.
Moving on from that, when he brought her back why did her body age up to Seventeen? That needs a serious explanation cause in Four months you don’t go from Ten to Seventeen, so yeah I would try to work on how that works.
So pretty much TLDR: Work on pacing and showing more of Adelines life, work on reasonable reactions and reasoning for characters actions in the story, work on some of the historical inaccuracies I pointed out, and don’t overkill.
Overall this review was to point things out I didn’t before, I hope you can understand why I didn’t point as much out before.
Ally has always had major potential, She was a controversial character from the start, but you kept going with her and I’m happy you have. She’s a pretty cool character, but she needs work that I hope you’ll give her to make her an even better developed and interesting character that doesn’t just lean on the fact she’s Slender’s Adoptive daughter in a way.
Sue level: about a 5 Due to Certain things I pointed out, but they can be easily fixed with some writing.
References:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_psychiatric_institutions
https://www.uvm.edu/landscape/dating/clothing_and_hair/1890s_clothing_women.php
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1890s_in_Western_fashion
http://www.goodmedicinebadbehavior.org/explore/history_of_prescription_drugs.html
Thank you again, for letting me do this, as always you don’t have to follow the advice given here since she’s your character :) Stay sweet! - Mod loli
