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[thejackalhasarrived]

#when will my reflection show who i am inside

[mel-graph]

Aslıhan Malbora 250x400 avatars  

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[untrusteds]

suffereds​.

you’re hurt and it shows in your sodium swelled, watery eyes. she’s been in good spirits lately. ever since she started working actually. she did tell you being able to giggle most of the day and get payed for it was responsible for her good moods, so you figured she’d be happy to spend time with you. especially since she used to love spending time with you when you first met. you swallow,   “ i’ve only had breakfast, amor. i was going to fast so we could go out to dinner. “   you look down at purpled, dry feet,   “ i miss spending time with you. “

“Aw. I feel bad. “   you frown.   “ I’m just going through some things… And I feel like people expect such a high level of affection from me all the time because that’s how I am but I guess they don’t understand or know how much I’m struggling… “   i hold my purse tighter to me as i move to the front door to leave,   “ If you love me though you can keep sticking by me through this. That’s when the real love hits. Like when i’m at my worst, if someone chooses to love and support you still that’s beautiful. You feel? ”

[suffereds]

eyes soften,   “ valentina ... i ...   i didn’t know. i’m so sorry. “   looking down at lap, ignoring the multitudes of candy and cheese stick wrappers that litter it above the blanket, you nod,   “ you’re right ... i’m sorry. i ... um, i feel. “   you smile, gently at her,   “ have a nice day at work, my love. “

sitting in car that blasts the chainsmokers, you smile as she leaves her home and approaches you.   “ good afternoon. i have a proposition for you. and not the sexy kind. yet, anyway. “

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

there’s pure joy spread across your face, eyes lit up in an instant.   ‘   SWEET! literally haha..   ’   you smile a little more sheepishly the closer you get. you glance at the camera in the corner, clearing your throat as you reach for the cash tucked in your back pocket.   ‘   how’s your week been? you look really nice.   ’

a short, amused breath comes from your nose. he was such an adorable little dork. you angle back to camera, slowly shaking head wave hand dismissively. voice is low,   “ mm-mm. college life is expensive, keep the money. i’m serious. “   you lean on counter, trying to calm your blush,   “ thank you. it’s been busy here. which is good. means i’m home less. are you going away when the semester ends ? “

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

‘   technically I had to be there at 12. but she’ll understand.   ’   you click on your gold hoops, looking at your reflection in the mirror. you exhale with agitation through your nose,   ‘   haven’t you eaten enough today?   ’   fat fucking slob.   ‘   you can go without me. it’s nice out today, I much rather walk home.   ’

you’re hurt and it shows in your sodium swelled, watery eyes. she’s been in good spirits lately. ever since she started working actually. she did tell you being able to giggle most of the day and get payed for it was responsible for her good moods, so you figured she’d be happy to spend time with you. especially since she used to love spending time with you when you first met. you swallow,   “ i’ve only had breakfast, amor. i was going to fast so we could go out to dinner. “   you look down at purpled, dry feet,   “ i miss spending time with you. “

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

you make your way up the stairs and accept the towel, drying your face off before wrapping it around your body.   ‘   the same as always. shopping, meal prepping, pilates. everything I normally do minus sex with you.   ’   and you say that sincerely. you bend over to grab your phone and roll your eyes at the small salad works spam, dismissing the notifications and looking over to your boyfriend.   ‘   are we okay? I feel like you’re being weird with me..   ’

“ nothing special, then ? “   you don’t know why you feel bad. or if you even should. she’s always on her routine and with you. you sort of expected her to be out on the town. hanging out with friends and maybe attending a few parties or clubs. you couldn’t get her to come with you and meet your family so at the very least you’d hope your absence would inspire a more eventful change of plans. you smile softly at her,   “ we’re all good, babe. you know i‘m terribly, awfully obsessed with you so i like when your needs and happiness are priority. i just like to make sure you’re okay. “   your tone is light, teasing. but you’re very serious.

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

‘   oh i’m sure, after all there are couples known to be firm advocates for the whole cheating made my relationship stronger spiel however, I think there should be a line drawn when your fiance fucks your cousin. though i’m no one to judge - to each their own, more power to them.   ’   you giggle and tilt your head.   ‘   would you take back a cheater? or are you one yourself?   ’

“ oh. yikes. “   you grimace and take a long sip from your drink. you feel bad for him but he doesn’t seem to feel bad for himself or maybe he’s just good at hiding it. you shrug,   “ i dunno. i’ve never been in love so i assume people that take a cheater back value those feelings over anything else. “   you take a sip, feet swaying and eyes widen,   “ i’m not a cheater by the way. “   you return your focus back to him,   “ i’ve never cheated. but i’ve also only ever had one boyfriend so, “   you shrug.

[suffereds]

the sweet breads were seasonal - as per tim’s specific instructions in the monthly business plan, but your favorite customer loved them so much that you started making small batches on the side just for him. it’s why fridays are your favorite day of the week now. door bell chimes and you look up with a smile,   “ just in time. “   you present box on countertop,   “ they’re still warm. “

@untrusteds​ .

[suffereds]

“ i thought you had work at one, my love. “   you only ask because it’s 12:30 and she usually starts getting ready 10 minutes after her shift was due to start. you’re cozied up on your recliner and the food network plays across from you on tv. you wipe at breakfast crumbs that litter your shirt,   “ i was thinking i could pick you up after work and we could go to dinner. like we used to ? “

@untrusteds​ .

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

‘ you’re hot though it’s different. ’ you roll your eyes and dip back down, ignoring your phone’s pinging. you hope it’s subway but you just know it’s salad works. when you rise, you run your fingers across your scalp. ‘ you don’t. ’ he should wish he does though. ‘ can we talk about anything else? that was like super depressing and I don’t wanna be thinking about it while you’re gone. ’

“as are you, v. “   voice is deflated, a little exasperated to. for someone with pretty girl privilege and lucky syndrome, she had a consistent aversion to the topic. you nod slowly, offering a towel her way,   “ what are your plans looking like while i’m away? “ 

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

‘ like religion. ’ from what you’ve gathered regarding basic psychology, she’s not entirely wrong. however - that depends on the person and you’ve met some very lively nihilistic humans in your time. ‘ I thought we got along very well, actually. aside from the cheating, the relationship was actually quite lovely. ’

“ mhm. “   said with a nod. though brows rise,   “ oh, i’m sorry to hear that. was it a serious deal breaker for you two ? i know it’s frowned upon to take a cheater back but sometimes i feel like it’s more nuanced than that. “   there could be lapses of judgment, inebriation, or even just putting the physical need over the emotional one. upon careful consideration, yes trust CAN be betrayed but it doesn’t always mean the initial love is lost.

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

‘ yeah but we’d never tell anyone that. so it just looks like i’m a gold digging harlot. ’ neither of you ever touch topic on your origin story because to anything with a brain or conscience, it was objectively bad. you just wish you didn’t look like a villain. ‘ I know that. but I’m good with everything I have right now. aren’t you? ’

Originally posted by dreamlonelywolf

“ you’re really fixated on that, huh ? “   you aren’t being sarcastic either. it’s something she brings up often. sometimes jokingly and other times genuinely. you’ve said it once and you’ll say it again,   “ well, “   you shrug,   “ if you’re a gold digger i’m a creep. “   she’s already lectured you on how women are critiqued more harshly in every aspect. therefore, you are in no place to argue you are the one in the wrong, because people will always see it as her knowing better and getting with you anyway. you nod,   “ always. i love you more than anything in this world, v. but i don’t want that to influence your every decision, either. “

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

‘   and how’s it fared out for you?   ’   because from a logical standpoint, the stars and the cosmos shouldn’t be able to predict the future or determine your personality due to the nature verses nurture debate but you’re very open minded when it comes to these things despite being a devotee to science. you take a moment to think, tapping ring on your glass.   ‘   same as me, I believe. libra. what does that say? ’

“ it’s very hit or miss. there were times where i i considered abandoning it all together but apparently, “   eyes roll,   “ people need something to believe in order to not fall into existential dread and despair. “   you hum, face contorting in thought,   “ well, on one hand you two would allegedly have an easy understanding and bond BUT on the other hand, that could leave leeway for headbutting or overstimulation. “   resting chin on hand, you smile,   “ correct or incorrect ? “

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

you sigh, looking up at the ceiling and taking a moment to think. he’s pretty naive for an older man sometimes.   ‘   just a little worried they’ll get the wrong impression of me.   ’   you’re his former student with no specifics for all they know you’re a bbl gold digger. you frown at his question, submerging underwater for as long as you can. you’re the happiest you’ve ever been in this relationship, the novelty of your affairs have shed a whole new light on your love for gregg. when you rise you wipe your eyes with the back of your hands, chest rising and falling.   ‘   why would you ask me that? I don’t see myself spending forever with anyone that isn’t you, gregg.   ’

Originally posted by ozgesyagiz

you snort,   “ wrong impression of me, actually. you were ... young when we met and young when we got together. they’re more likely to think i’m ... you know. “   a disgusting predator. iykyk. you’re lucky your fanbase hasn’t found out about it. there was a lengthy twitter thread about your relationship that was supported by students of yours and students in her grade but your PR team was quick to have the accounts banned. eyes soften as you stand,   “ i know. i just don’t want to keep you from exploring yourself. you’re young and the world is your oyster. i only want you to do what makes you happiest. “

Originally posted by chaosresource

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

‘ i’ll just have to take your word for it then. ’ you dive higher up to sink teeth softly into his thigh before running your tongue across his skin and pressing a quick kiss to bend the area. you lower yourself at the thought of meeting his parents. you had hoped dating older would’ve gotten rid of that problem but you’re basically dating the only forty year old bachelor with living, healthy and breathing parents. and chelsea swore you had the perfect life, as if!   ‘   what if they don’t like me, hm?   ’   you float on your back, further away from him and your phone. ‘   you did tell them i’m a lot younger right? did you tell them how we met?   ’   because you told him you’re willing to lie.

Originally posted by katherine-mcnamara

you frown slightly, brows furrowing,   “ why wouldn’t they? “   and you mean that. she’s wonderful, intelligent and incredibly humorous. your parents would love her, you’re sure of it. you clear throat, forearms resting on bended knees as you watch her swim,   “ they know the basis of it. you were my student once upon a time. i never really got into specifics. “   because they make you look like you belong on a registry. you sigh,   “ you would tell me if i ever made you ... unhappy, right ? like if you were to want to grow out of this relationship. “

Originally posted by chaosresource

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

‘   is there any merit to that? astrology i mean.   ’   despite her guess, which could’ve been luck on her part. you’ve never gave it much thought. you slide a 50 on the counter and take another glass of dark liquor on the rocks for yourself and whatever of her choosing for her. you take a leisurely sip,   ‘   i’ve noticed all the prettiest girls enjoy it. mind sharing why that is?   ’

“ depends on who you ask. it’s a pseudoscience BUT if you’re someone who believes in spirituality, then astrology is everything. people use it tell the future, determine the longevity of relationships, the chances of pregnancy. for me, personally, i like to see it as a basis or hint for who a person is and how they can be. sort of like a cheat sheet. does that make sense ? “   downing your drink as bartender approaches with new ones for the both of you, you hold the fresh cup in your hands,   “ what sign is your ex ? i wanna see if your signs make sense according to the basic outline. “

[suffereds]

untrusteds​.

you crinkle your nose,   ‘   cali is so low vibrational though.   ’   new york isn’t too far behind but it’s different. you’re attached to this dirty ass city and despite all the homeless people clapping shit onto other people’s faces, the improv stabbings and theft at every nook and cranny, you’ve had some of your most pleasant moments and fond memories here.   ‘   we should plan a trip later down the road. you, me, sun, beach, raw sex, fun music and amazing food. you know, as a treat for how hard we’ve been working!   ’   you set your phone aside, anthony can wait. his girlfriend cut your time with him short so he’s still on time out.   ‘   what time’s your flight?   ’

“ not always ! you have to sorta wear blinders while you’re there but it’s still a great place ! “   you have a soft spot for the sunshine state. you went to college and had your big break there before making the permanent move to new york to pursue a relationship with her. you’re happy you did, but while you wish she liked it there enough to take frequent trips over, you also don’t have it in you to take her away from the life she loves here. smile is bright and eyes twinkles,   “ how about autumn ? it’s not too hot or too chilly. you could meet my parents, too. “   you look at apple watch,   “ 8pm. “