dream without fear. love without limits. @suffocatingslowly - Tumblr Blog

anybody want a taste of me?

Holidays get harder and harder for me each year. Without my mom it's like I can't find joy sometimes. But this year I can't even have all of my Christmas decorations...the ones that remind me of her...it's like I'm really spending it without her and I can't get over this crushing feeling I have because of all of it. And on top of it all, this year has just sucked in general, and I don't have any money so I can't get presents for literally anyone...and I'm pretty sure this is the first year I probably won't get any presents from anyone either. That's petty sounding but it's how I feel... especially living in a house with 4 kids that won't stop talking about Christmas and presents.

Oh and my birthday is coming up and that will be looked over, per usual.

#personal #pity party for one

Anyone figured out how to turn your brain off yet?

Because mine won't shut up and I just need some FUCKING SILENCE.

#personal #FUCK

ericaofanderson

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depressionshope

This is how i feel 24/7

It's hard to not be cynical when it feels like no matter what you do in life, something is going wrong, or falling apart.

I feel like I can never win. My whole life has felt that way, for as long as I can remember really.

Hindsight some of the things I've been through haven't been that bad, if we're comparing. But that doesn't invalidate my feelings towards such events.

At almost 28 years old, I have a roof over my head, a loving family, and a great S/O.

But I don't have a job. I feel like a waste of space, failure at this point.

I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome where I'm currently living.

I'm terribly lonely. ALL. THE. TIME.

•

I guess the holidays make it worse. Every year without my mom gets harder.

But I thought this year would be different. I'm finally where I want to be, geographically.

I get to spend my birthday in my favorite place for the first time. I get to spend all of the holidays with my only close family, for the first time in years.

But one of my best friends isn't talking to me, ghosted me I guess.

My other best friend just got engaged, and I'm ecstatic for her.

But it feels hard for me lately..to really feel any emotions other than sadness.

I just can't shake it.

#personal #lonely

I'm so lost and confused at this point. I don't know what you want from me, I don't know what I want from you either. But I know I don't want to fight with you..

I wish you would just tell me your feelings when you have them. You don't want to talk? Tell me. You need a break? Tell me. I'm sick of feeling just flat out ignored all the damn time.

I'll never stop loving you, it just won't happen. But I feel like that's not how it works for you, no matter what you say.

I don't expect anything from you. You won't move to be with me. You're not going to literally sweep me off my feet. I feel like you honestly would hardly out any real effort into anything with me. Now or in the future, I just don't see you treating me the way I deserve to be treated. You're either all sex or no feelings at all.

I'm over it.

#personal #my moon

Every thought and idea I have about what I want in life, now has you attached to it. Sleeping next to you, having kids with you, going on adventures and vacations with you, just life in general with you.

Happiness, with you.

But right now I feel like no matter what I do in any situation, I'm wrong or I'm losing in some way. For the longest time you weren't part of any of my plans or ideas, and now I can't get passed them. It's incredibly frustrating, but I can't stop from feeling this way.

I really honestly just want to be yours..

#personal #my moon

It's been 10-12 years since I last tried to kill myself.

Not sure exactly because, depression.

Every fucking day, is still a fucking struggle.

Every fucking day I have to tell myself why I deserve to be alive.

But every fucking day, it still crosses my mind.

Some days are worse than others.

Today is one of those days.

#trigger warning #personal #depression #anxiety #every fucking day

Daydreaming about a life with you...

#personal #my moon

Every morning I wake up, and part of me wants to just run away.

Disappear to where you are and then the two of us gone together.

We could elope and have this whole wonderful life, kids, and just bliss...

But I've made choices.

You've made choices.

And while our heart are finally ready.

Our lives are not.

It's tragic and soul crushing.

But every morning I wake up, and that part of me still wants to run away with you.

#personal #my moon

I forget how back and forth you can be. One day you're telling me you love me and that you want to be with me, and the next you're acting like it doesn't matter because it won't happen anyway. You may be able to turn your feelings on and off like that, but I'm not. I regret some things I've chosen, but being where I am, physically, is not one of them. If things were to work out, even down the road, you'd have to come to me, I won't be back for you.

#personal #feels #my moon

Could we work now?

Would you want to try? Like really try?

Do you think about if you could marry me?

Because I think about marrying you..

Having kids with you..

Do you let your mind wander to these things?

Is it too hard for you?

Sometimes it is for me..

#personal #my moon #butterflies in my head and my stomach