Starting the conversation
*Trigger warning: this may be upsetting to someone who has experienced sexual assault*
I’ve decided to write this piece to start a conversation about sexual assault and harassment in the club and underage disco scene. I’d like to raise awareness about the effects of this type of assault on the mental health of young men and women in Ireland by using my own story as an example.
I saw a tweet a couple of days ago asking if anyone else had been assaulted when they were in their teens and not known it was assault. The tweet had gotten over one hundred and fifty likes. It led me to question if any other girls had been affected by their assaults the same as I had.
Naturally in this generation in Ireland, I’ve been groped, pushed, stroked, kissed without my consent. I’ve been put in a headlock twice (once by a girl). However, none of them have been as prominent to me as two that occurred at the beginning and end of sixth year. But this happens to every girl, right? Can’t it be expected on a night out?
In my case, two assaults affected my mental health, even though all of the little ones definitely build-up and act as a reminder. Both began consensually and they also happened to be boys that I already knew. The first stays with me the most out of the two. It happened at a house party, he was very drunk. We kissed, then he began saying hurtful comments about my appearance. I stopped kissing him but he kept trying. A friend soon came to the rescue and he went inside the house. After a few minutes he returned, I told him to ‘fuck off’ and he aggressively replied, ‘what did you just say to me?’. He then forcefully pushed me against a wall and tried to kiss me again. A friend returned again a couple of minutes later, I am very thankful for her.
After this I suffered with bad anxiety. My immediate response was shock, then embarrassment. I was afraid that other people at the party had seen it happen. I was ashamed, then angry at myself. I spent a lot of time playing the scenario repeatedly in my head. I tried to push my anxiety down because I believed that I shouldn’t have been affected by what had happened. I believed that other girls would not have been affected and that I was being overly-sensitive. I also couldn’t understand why I needed someone to help me away from the situation. I had let myself down by not reacting well enough, quickly enough. Since then, I’ve trained my brain to not blame myself, to blame him instead.
The second assault was at the end of sixth year. It doesn’t affect me as much, however, I am still reminded of it regularly. After kissing a boy, he began to put his hand up my skirt, into my underwear. I can still feel the sensation of me trying to push his hand back down my leg, repeatedly telling him that I was ‘too drunk’. He gave up after a while. I still see him regularly and am blatantly reminded of the two (my brain has decided to group them together).
Many small souvenirs from both nights had to be done away with. For example, a photo of my group of friends that was taken on the first night used to sit on my bedside table. I had to change it because it gave me flashbacks every time I looked at it. The clothes that I wore on both nights did the same.
Since sixth year, I have developed my own response to these assaults. I had absolutely no problem slamming a stranger up against the window of Starbucks and punching him with my left hook after he grabbed me in a headlock and tried to kiss me. However, that hasn’t stopped these situations from happening. Women and girls are assaulted in clubs and underage discos continuously. Assaults affect everyone in different ways, unfortunately mine was awful for my mental health, heightening my anxiety in club scenarios but I refuse to cut my social life short.
Of course, what happened to me was miniscule in comparison to the trauma other women face across the world. Of course, if it happened to another girl she might be able to shrug it off, knowing that it happens all the time. I wish I could shrug it off, I wish that these things didn’t affect me. That they could just go straight over my head and that I could continue my night dancing. However, I refuse to diminish how I feel anymore. I refuse to belittle the actions of these boys and I refuse to accept this type of behaviour as a social norm. Women are not at a club because they want to be preyed on.
I’d like to start this conversation to allow other young women and girls to accept their own feelings, as I have not done. I’d like to raise awareness of consent from a young age and allow young people to understand the implications of sexual harassment and assault.
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