I'm starting this blog to check off a part of my bucket list as I spend the rest of my life living selfishly for me. Don't know if I'm dying yet, but if you don't hear from me in years...well...let's not think about that. First, some ground rules:
This blog will probably end up having NSFW content on it, meaning this is an 18+ blog. I don't want any minors interacting with this blog or frankly even looking at it. I will block any minors that I find interacting with my blog. Minors, DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS BLOG OR CONTACT THIS BLOG!
Nobody has any permission to use my work as their own. The characters from Tolkien's books are obviously his, while any characters I might create are mine. I'll be sure to give him credit for his characters every time, but this is fanfiction: if you don't know whose characters are whose, then you definitely need to go and read Tolkien's works because his writing is AMAZING, and mine is...mine. Again, I don't own any of the Ainur, Elven, Mannish, or other Tolkien characters. They're his beautiful creatures. Some of my characters may have similar names or seem similar in description, but it will be an obvious difference: I can't write characters like him.
Anyone can lie on the internet. Please be careful about what you share. If I see suspicious activity or get sent inappropriate messages, I will block that user. I don't give out strikes or warnings; it's on you to follow the rules and be respectful. I have to protect myself and anyone that might read my blog. You should also protect yourself. Please stay safe online and be EXTREMELY careful when sharing anything personal. There are certain things you should NEVER share, even if you've been online friends for a long time. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
I'm still learning the ins and outs of the site, but I'd love to hear from anyone who has any ideas, either for the blog or for my next project. I have a really big project about the Valar that I've been working on. Feel free to tell me what's on your mind!
This is a compilation of the works I post on this blog, all in one place (that I'll update regularly). I always love it when blogs have masterlists. It makes everything so much easier. Once I have more stuff posted, I'll put them in categories. Again, this is a new blog, both to the fandom and tumblr, so bear with me. Thanks. 🐻
Unrequited (main fic) (Elrond x fem!reader) (Elladan x fem!reader)
-Elrond's Ending
-Elladan's Ending
-Aredhel x male!reader, FLUFF (2,303 words)
-About: A letter from your brother-in-law causes you and your wife to realize you're trying to protect each other and failing to communicate.
-Warnings: mentions of past abuse, suggestive implications 😉 (at the very end of the fic)
-A/N: I of course do not own Tolkien's characters, and absolutely nobody asked for this, but Aredhel deserves a man who truly cares about her. She's a baddie :)
Infuriating: that’s the first word that came to mind to all of the sons of Fingolfin when they thought of you. You were infuriating. Fingon thought you were rude. Turgon thought you were self-centered. Argon thought you were lazy. Even Fingolfin himself had reservations about you. He thought you were careless, irresponsible, and indifferent when it came to his daughter. But they all thought you were infuriating.
You would describe yourself as a perfect househusband. You loved to cook whatever food Aredhel brought home and spent some of your time cleaning the house and making sure everything smelled nice. Sure, you enjoyed your naps, walks, and lounge times, but you did whatever your beautiful, amazing, and strong wife told you. You knew her family saw you as either a pushover or a bum, but you liked making sure Aredhel only had to worry about doing whatever she wanted. And what she wanted was to hunt and go to as few dinner parties as possible. What she wanted, she got. You made sure of it.
Your father-in-law had high expectations of you. You refused to meet them unless it pleased Aredhel (most of the time it didn’t, since she preferred to have you around as opposed to you going on some diplomatic journey with her father and brothers). Rarely did you have time to visit anyone from her family. Aredhel didn’t like being the one who said no to invitations to large gatherings, so she asked you to do it for her. You didn’t mind being the bad guy if it was for her sake. You pretended that the whole thing was your idea, and Aredhel was only staying because you were. You didn’t care if Fingon hated you as long as Aredhel was comfortable.
You didn’t lift a finger for anyone else but her. Turgon once came to you, asking if you would assist him in throwing her a large party, as he wanted her to adjust to being in society again after escaping her abusive relationship. Originally, he thought you were the perfect answer to her problems: you were soft-spoken and gentle, even when upset. You told him you would think about it. After asking your wife about it and seeing her discomfort, you went back to Turgon and told him that you didn’t like the idea and you wouldn’t be attending, let alone helping. This, of course, led to a heated argument, but you didn’t mind arguing if it meant your wife had it easy.
Argon too had initially welcomed you with open arms, excited at the prospect of another brother, but you made it clear very quickly that you existed only to please Aredhel and that meant staying home, not keeping any servants on staff, and creating a quiet, private paradise where she could unwind after a long day. As a result, you didn’t usually leave the house, unless it was to shop for something needed. Argon had invited you on countless excursions, but you’d turned them all down. There wasn’t any time to waste. If Argon really wanted company, you told him to take your wife. Argon began to spread his theory of your laziness throughout his friend groups. You didn’t care, though. You preferred books over dashing through the wilderness anyway.
Your in-laws were some of the greatest and most-renowned heroes in Elven history. You were a nobody that couldn’t even begin to compare. And you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to live an exciting, danger-filled life in the public eye. You just wanted something quiet and cozy where you could have tea in the afternoon. You loved your wife and her adventurous spirit, but that just wasn’t for you. If she was outdoors, you were indoors, making a hot meal in preparation for her return. She was everything to you. Unbeknownst to your in-laws, you’d had a similar experience to her: a controlling partner. While she’d been locked away, you’d been forced into the spotlight, with your partner demanding you go above and beyond for her, showing her off and gifting her the most expensive jewels. She always wanted more than you could give her, and it took a serious toll on you. Meeting Aredhel for the first time had been like looking in a mirror at a figure who was eager to get away from what others wanted from them. It was a slow burn love story, and there was friendship before anything else. Now, however, all you wanted was for her to feel safe and free, away from the constraints of what was expected of her.
A letter from Fingon had you questioning all of that. He was always so kindly, even in his rebuke. It made you sick. Sometimes you just wanted him to get mad at you and tell you how much he hated you, instead of hiding it behind a fake, diplomatic tone. He’d accused you of hiding Aredhel away, just like Eol had, and keeping her all to yourself. You couldn’t believe what you were reading, and your first instinct was to send a hostile response back, but you began to doubt yourself. What if you really were holding her back? What if, instead of shielding her, she needed a nudge forward into society, with you promising to have her back? The letter had sent you into a spiral, so you began cleaning the whole house, trying desperately to ignore the paper on your desk.
As you cleaned the upstairs, you didn’t hear your wife and her son enter, chatting with one another about the day’s activities. You and Maeglin had an interesting relationship, to say the least. Technically, he was your stepson, but you acted like friends. He trusted you with his mother and approved whole-heartedly of your relationship. He also appreciated the fact that you never judged him, even though his past haunted him and his behavior could be a little odd. While Aredhel went into her room to change clothes, Maeglin went into the study to return a carving knife he borrowed from you. The letter from Fingon piqued his interest when his mother’s name caught his eye. Scanning it, he plucked it off the desk and exited the study.
“Fingon sent Y/N a letter.”
Aredhel came back into the main room, adjusting her clothes. “And you thought it would be appropriate to read someone else’s letter?”
“It’s about you.”
She frowned. “What about me?”
“He thinks Y/N is restricting you.”
“That’s absurd. I’m sure he writes with my best interest in mind, but restricting—”
“He compared Y/N to that man.”
Aredhel froze. “He what?!”
Maeglin handed her the letter. “I guess I can’t honestly blame him, seeing as he doesn’t know the truth…”
“Y/N simply agrees that I make my own decisions and don’t have anyone ordering what I’m allowed to do or should be doing. That’s completely different from him.”
“It’s in regard to the fact that you two never appear in society together.”
Aredhel folded the letter. “Apparently.”
Maeglin crossed his arms. “Are you going to tell Y/N the truth now?”
She bit her lip. “I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. What if he feels like he has to…” She trailed off upon seeing you descend the stairs.
You wiped your brow with your forearm. “Hello. I didn’t expect the two of you back so soon. Give me a second and I’ll make you something. Is there anything particular you’d—wait, is that my letter?”
Aredhel nodded. “I’m sorry he wrote that. He’s misinformed.”
You arched an eyebrow. “Is he? Shouldn’t I be encouraging you, not enabling you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I should be helping you face your fears, not run from them.”
She chuckled. “I’m not afraid of these gatherings, dearest. I simply don’t wish to go to all of them. We attend a few this past year—”
“And we leave early or don’t mingle at all! I feel like I’ve been deciding when it gets too uncomfortable for you and pulling you away to return home! Have I even been listening to you at all?”
Maeglin prodded his mother’s arm. “You have to tell him.”
You put down the cloth in your hand. “Tell me what?”
Aredhel cleared her throat. “I think this letter should be directed at me, not at you.”
“What?”
She fidgeted with the letter, bending the corners absentmindedly. “I’ve been the one who’s not listening. I’ve been the one making decisions without consulting you.”
“Aredhel,” you said, even more confused, “what are you talking about?”
“I told you to reject all those invitations because I know you’d just force yourself to go to those parties for me. I know how much you hate them, but you’d never say anything unless I asked you to. If I told you to do it for your sake, would you listen? Or would you just accept the invite and lie to me, saying you’ll be fine? I don’t necessarily want to go to those parties anyway, but I really didn’t want to go if I knew you were going to be uncomfortable. At the same time, though, I wanted you to practice sticking up for yourself, so I had you be the one to say the words.”
You blinked. “Wait, what? So you’ve only been rejecting those invitations because you were worried about me?”
“It was no issue, of course, because it’s just a party, but yes. I did it for you, mainly because I knew you’d be uncomfortable just for me.”
Maeglin clasped his hands together. “Perfect. Now that you’re both being honest, I’m going to let you two work this out. I’ll see you later.” He kissed his mother’s forehead and left you and your wife alone in silence.
She sighed. “I’m sorry. I thought I was protecting you.”
You shook your head in disbelief. “All this time, I thought I was the one protecting you.”
“I know, and I took advantage of that. I should have just been clearer with you. I don’t want you to be so selfless all the time. All you do is think about me, but you forget to take care of yourself.”
“But I don’t want anything besides your happiness. If going to these parties makes you happy—”
“It doesn’t matter to me either way, though.” She sighed again. “I miss seeing my family, if I’m being completely honest. I’d like to see them more often, but that’s not your fault.”
“It is, though, if I’m what’s keeping you from seeing them at the parties.”
“That’s what bothers me, though. They clear their schedules for these parties, but when it’s just me, they’re too busy! That’s why it’s not your fault. It’s mine for not going to see them anyway, and it’s theirs for being busy with stupid stuff all the time.” She tossed the letter aside. “It’s like I have to make an appointment to see my own father!” Moving across the room, she embraced you. “I love you. You and Maeglin are the only family I ever get to see anymore and the last thing I want to do is make the only family that makes time for me uncomfortable. I know they have their lives, but would it be so bad to drop by or free up a meal to chat?”
You wrapped your arms around her. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were feeling this way.”
“It’s my fault. I should have told you. You give me so much freedom and happiness, and I’ve done you no favors in return.”
“I don’t want any favors, though. I don’t want anything besides to be a part of your life. That’s quite literally the only thing I want.”
She wiped her eyes, which were glistening with tears. “I told you not to be so selfless.”
You stepped back. “I have an idea.”
“An idea?”
“Let’s throw a party here. You can invite your family and friends and I’ll be comfortable in my own house. It can be small or big, but I’ll be okay as long as you’re here.”
She shook her head. “That would be so much attention on you.”
You waved your hand. “Not necessarily. If the party’s about you and your family, more of the focus will be on you guys. I’ll get to be a fly on the wall, and you can visit with your family. It will be a win for both of us.”
She smiled. “I like that idea very much. Would you like me to help you plan?”
“Of course!”
The two of you moved to sit at a table, discussing your plans long into the night. The more you communicated, the more you both felt at ease, finally addressing a long overdue topic. As you got ready for bed, Aredhel suddenly began scribbling something down on a sheet of paper. You arched an eyebrow. “What are you writing now?”
“I’m still in disbelief that Fingon sent a letter to you instead of me. I’m his sister! If he’s worried about me, he should come to me first! I’m going to write him one tomorrow scolding him.”
“I’m sure he meant well—”
“Even if he did, I’m put out that you’re getting letters from him instead of me. I want to hear from him too, you know.”
You smiled. “Of course, love. Do what you think is best.”
“Still putting me first again?”
“In that, I think it will be a difficult habit to break.”
She moved over to the bed and smirked. “How about we try breaking it by doing something you want to do?”
You returned her smirk. “I’ll definitely still be putting you first.”
She pulled a long satin ribbon out of her pocket. “Not if I have anything to say about it.”
-Elrond x fem!reader, Elladan x fem!reader (choose your own adventure type-thing): ANGST and FLUFF (4k+ words, it's long)
-About: Your unrequited love for the Lord of Imladris made your heart break to the point you thought you would be better off leaving. But leaving made you miss the place and people you called home...and made someone else miss you.
-Warnings: mentions of su*cide and self-harm (brief and not descriptive), brief mention of physical violence (reader recalls being robbed), reader has depression but is working to get better
-A/N: I don't own Tolkien's characters. This fic was cathartic to write as someone with depression.
Sinister minds had come up with lesser evils: you were sure of it. As you balanced the bowl of water between the door and the frame, you could hear the footsteps getting closer. Quickly climbing down from the chair, you pushed it back behind his desk and waited nervously for your plan to play out. The famed Lord of Imladris, and secret love of your life, walked right through the door and into your trap, water soaking him before the bowl crashed down and bonked him. Wiping the water from his eyes, he gave you a disappointed look. “So that’s what you’ve been doing with your free time.”
You beamed, thrilled your plan had worked, and clapped at your own success. “It was a good trick, wasn’t it? Elladan pulled it on me when I first came here.”
He failed to share your whole enthusiasm, opting for a slight smirk. “I hope you didn’t walk all the way from your home on the other side of Imladris to prank me.”
You shook your head. “No, it was a last-minute addition. I came here to tell you I’m leaving in two weeks.” There, the words were out there. You’d said them. There was no taking them back. All you had to do now was not cry about it. The abruptness took away your chance to procrastinate telling him.
He looked surprised. “To go where? You haven’t left the valley since you first came to me. Are you in need of a vacation of sorts after being here for so long? Restlessness has been your friend, as of late.”
Toying with a weird statuette on his desk, you sniffled and rubbed your nose. “I’m not really sure where I’m going. I’m heading east, and that’s all I know.”
“Who are you taking with you on this excursion?”
You paused. “No one.”
“No one? You think that’s safe?”
“Well, the thing is…” You trailed off, turning away and looking out the window. It was supposed to be easy to say goodbye, considering he didn’t share your deep affection. An unrequited love should be no issue, as you’d dealt with it once before. And yet, here you were, struggling not to cry.
“What is troubling you that you would ride unaccompanied into danger?” Elrond crossed over to his desk. “Surely you understand the risks. I’d like you to come back to us alive.”
“I’m not coming back,” you said, turning to him and allowing the tears to flow freely. “I’ve made so much progress. There are others who now need your healing hands and words more. You should be tending to them and stop wasting your time—”
“You have never been a waste of my time.” His tone was soft, but stern. Twisted with concern, his expression instilled a moment of hope in your soul. Perhaps he wanted you to stay and would confess his feelings to you. It was a moment you’d daydreamed about for quite some time now. Maybe it would happen in one of the gardens or in this very study. He would come to you and take your hands, saying the words you’d been longing to hear said with sincerity your whole life. The emptiness those three little words usually carried was draining. Your parents had said them your whole life before telling you to leave home because your depression was too much for them. It had destroyed your confidence and love for yourself. You wanted someone to say “I love you” for real. You wanted to be with Elrond. You wanted your dreams to come true.
That was all this was, though: a dream. You pushed the hope away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. All I meant was that I’m feeling much better and more confident. I don’t think about ending my life or hurting myself anymore. The resources this place provides have helped me immensely, and I want other people to be healed in the same way. I’m well, so I no longer need to stay.” You forced a smile. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll be sure to write and tell you how well I’m doing.”
“Y/N, I cannot approve of this.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m just giving you a head’s up. Two weeks to the day. It’s time I started doing things for myself.” You bowed respectfully before heading for the door. “I have to do this by myself,” you whispered under your breath, “for myself.”
**
Two weeks passed a lot faster than you’d thought they would. A few times, you’d nearly taken back your decision to leave because the parting process was so difficult. Elladan and Elrohir came daily to try and talk you out of it, and Elrond insisted you still attend your weekly checkups. But the last time you went to see him, Elrond had seemed calm and accepting of your decision. You took it as a sign that you’d made the right decision. As much as you wanted to hold on and keep trying to get him to love you, you worried he would dismiss it as a mere fantasy or think that you only loved him because he’d helped you through a difficult time. It was more than that, of course, but you didn’t imagine he would believe you. Now, here you were, packing up the last of your things. Sighing, you slung the bag over your shoulder and headed for the door, only to find Elladan in the doorway. He crossed his arms. “Father says I’m to take you to Lothlorien. You’ll be able to start a new life there. He's already spoken to Lady Galadriel about it.”
You raised your eyebrows. “He just decided that for me?”
“I don’t know what you think it’s going to be like out there, but—”
“I’m not under any false assumptions that the journey will be easy or danger-less, but I think I’ll decide my own destination, thank you. Lothlorien’s too close to here.”
It was Elladan’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “What? Too close? First of all, it’s not close at all. The journey will be long and perilous. I don’t know how far you thought you would get—”
“Gondor. I plan to go to Gondor.”
“Gondor?! Do you have any idea—”
“I’ve got a very good idea, thank you. I’ve been planning this trip for half a year.”
“Half a year?!”
“Are you just going to repeat everything I say in a raised voice?”
Elladan uncrossed his arms. “Gondor will not be able to provide you with the same stability Lothlorien will. I don’t know why you want to get away from this place, especially when you confessed to me a few days ago that you would miss it, but going to Gondor will be an irreversible course. There will be no one to bring you back when you get homesick.”
“Homesick?!”
“Now who’s repeating who.”
You shook your head. “I’m not going to get homesick. This isn’t my home.”
Elladan laughed coldly. “It’s been your home for five years, Y/N. You’ve thrived ever since you came here. I know why you’re leaving, but if you think putting a maximum amount of distance between yourself and my father will help you get over your feelings, you’re wrong. It will tear you apart.” He sighed. “Just let me take you to Lothlorien. If you get over him, at least you’ll be set up in a place you can continue to heal. If not, you’ll have support. They could have someone bring you back or send for me to come get you.”
You wiped the tears from your eyes. “I…I don’t…if you know, does he?”
“Of course he knows.”
Embarrassment and sadness flared in your face and heart. He wanted you to leave. That was why he was letting you go. You gasped from the sheer force of pain gnawing at your heart. Tears streamed down your cheeks and a couple of sobs shook your body. Elladan helped you take off your bag and sit down. Sobbing into your hands for what seemed like hours, you tried to push all the pain out of your body. All the while, Elladan sat with you, saying nothing, but waiting calmly for you to finish, a hand rubbing your back.
After a while, you stopped crying, wiping your face and blowing your nose. “I’m so sorry about that, Elladan. I’m ready to go to Lothlorien now.”
**
You only wrote two letters to Imladris after arriving in Lothlorien. One you wrote to Elrond, but the other you wrote to Elladan. They said basically the same thing: you were doing well and found the change of scenery to be just what you needed. However, in Elladan’s letter, you also wrote that you were definitely over your one-sided love and to subtly relay that message to his father. It was too embarrassing for you to do yourself. You cried for hours after writing both of those letters, homesick for a place you refused to return to and missing people you loved so much that it hurt. Both of them responded, thankful for your letter and wishing you well, with Elladan restating he was fully prepared to come and get you if need be. For some reason, however, you felt an odd sense of closure getting the letters, as if the whole five years you spent there were a box you’d finally managed to seal shut. It had been the happiest time of your life, but you were strangely at peace with it being over.
Galadriel was kind to you and through her own means lifted your spirits. Your grief was strong within you but able to be contained. After a month, you had stopped sobbing yourself to sleep, and after two, you were able to fool most of the elves around you into thinking you were happy. You knew the Lady had her suspicions, but she couldn’t deny that you forcing your own good attitude wasn’t helping somewhat. In truth, you’d started planning for your departure from Lothlorien only two days after your arrival. You couldn’t stay here. It reminded you of Elrond way too much, and you missed the warmth and cheer his sons had provided, especially Elladan. All three had been essential to your recovery, but there was no turning back now, not without humiliating yourself. Pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps was the only way to make it now. Reliance on anyone else was a mistake. Your misery was overwhelming but known only to you. You came to realize it wasn’t closure you felt; it was doom.
You waited for a festival day to depart. When everyone else was busy, you made your way through the trees to embrace whatever your fate would be. In your mind, you hoped for a glorious entry into Gondor, but knew it was more likely that you’d suffer a gruesome death. However, you’d ceased to care. Briefly, you came across the Marchwarden and his men, and spent nearly an hour convincing them to let you leave. You only received his blessing after lying that you were on your way back to Imladris, and that Elladan was already on his way to meet you. You almost wished it were true for a second, but your destiny/doom overcame you. With a final farewell, you left the forest behind for the world beyond.
**
Four weeks ago, you’d made it to a small village just beyond Rohan’s northernmost border. You knew you couldn’t travel any further without dying of hunger, thirst, and/or exhaustion. How you’d managed to avoid being killed or eaten you attributed to a stroke of dumb luck. You’d meant for the stop to be brief, but a lack of the comfort you’d been afforded in Imladris and Lothlorien made you feel more hopeless than ever before. You managed to secure a job washing sheets and towels for a large inn, but the menial work brought you no joy, just coins. You slept outside in an alley as of recently, wrapped in an old sheet, unable to afford an inn room anymore. Woefully under-prepared for how difficult the journey would be, you’d sold most of your belongings two weeks ago for food and shelter money. You’d gone from feeling comfortable to having nothing. Cursing yourself for being stupid and not trying to get over your crush while in Imladris didn’t make you feel stronger or better. Your mind was starting to turn on you again. You’d fought for so long and been so successful, but all it had taken was one little hardship and you fell apart all over again. It was impossible to be kind to yourself now. You didn’t deserve it.
Covering in dirt and grime, only your hands and arms were washed regularly, as you needed them to be clean to handle the sheets. Last week, just when you had enough money again for a room at the inn, you were beaten and robbed by street thieves. The eye that had been swollen shut had just opened again today, the swelling almost gone. All of the bruises and cuts remained, but you fit it with everyone else in that regard. As you soaked another sheet for washing, you looked up at the darkened sky and hoped the rain would hold off a little longer until you were done. The last thing you wanted to do was work into the night, out in the open with no shadows to hide in when the lurking figures began walking the streets.
One of the townspeople rushed past your workstation, shouting to someone who’d already walked by. “Is it true? They usually don’t pass through this town.” More people began to move along past you, with a crowd starting to form. They were all muttering to one another, saying things like, “Is it true?” and “What could they be here for?” You couldn’t figure out what they were all trying to see, but you knew it was nothing to you. Getting paid for your work was the most important thing now. Novelties and new folks were no longer interesting.
“An elf army?” One woman cried in surprise, turning to the man behind her. “Is that what everyone’s in an uproar about?” Now that caught your interest. Eyes wide, you stood up, trying to scan the crowd for signs of an entire army of elves. “We see a stray one here and there,” the man remarked, “but never this many.” Unfortunately, the sheer volume of people clogging every street and alley made it impossible to see what everyone was looking at. People were pushing past you, some rather violently. You quickly stepped aside to avoid being run over. After all, it could be any elf army, and it’s not as though Lothlorien would have sent an army after you.
“It’s not an army,” someone said. “I saw them from my window. There’s only about twenty or so.”
“Y/N!” Elrohir’s voice carried across the noise. “Y/N!”
Your inhaled breath caught in your throat, tears immediately springing to your eyes. Unable to believe what you heard, you remained silent, trying to come up with a reason why he would be calling out to you. Did he mean to bring you back with him? Had he come to rescue you from the hopeless situation you’d gotten yourself in? How had he even known you’d be here?
“Y/N!” His call was louder this time, closer. It was really him.
You climbed on top of an overturned wash bin. “ELROHIR!” “Y/N!” This voice didn’t belong to Elrohir. It was deeper and filled with emotion. It was a cry of fear and relief at the same time. The crowd began to move, with people stepping aside for someone pushing through. You stepped off the wash bin and held your breath.
The final two people standing in the way stepped back, and Elrond himself walked right up to you. Stunned, you gave him a courteous bow. “My lord,” you said, your voice shaking. It was really him in front of you. Your face fell as you thought about how you must look, dirty and tangled. Shame washed over you in waves, each one more powerful than the next. You’d set out to find yourself and found ruin. He’d been generous enough to help you and you’d run away. He knew that you liked him but never mentioned it. You could feel the weight of all your troubles pushing down on you, making you feel alone even in the crowd.
“Y/N,” his voice was soft this time, “what’s happened to you?” You were doing so well.
“I’m sorry,” you said, your voice breaking. “I really just wanted to be better. I think I left before I was ready.”
“Are you certain you didn’t leave because of me? Because of my lack of romantic attraction to you?”
The words hit you like a brick. You wanted the earth to swallow you up or to disappear like mist blowing away. Fat, angry tears rolled down your cheeks. Why couldn’t you just have sucked it up? Why couldn’t you just get over him like a normal person? Why did you have to make a big deal and leave?
“You did what you thought would be best for you,” he said, as if reading your thoughts, “but it didn’t end up being so. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Y/N. Healing is a process.” He took your arm and pulled you into a hug. “It’s all over now. Let’s go home.”
You bit your lip and forced yourself not to cry. The last thing you wanted to do was embarrass Elrond in front of all these people. After a few moments, he pulled away from the hug and guided you to a spare horse that he had brought with him. Helping you onto it, he instructed Elrohir to stay beside you as the group left the town. You gave Elrohir a weak smile. “Thanks.”
He nodded. “I’m just glad you’re okay.
**
Arriving back in Lothlorien after a day’s ride, you apologized profusely to Galadriel for your subtle escape, lamenting that resources were wasted because of you. After you had talked with the lady for a bit, you left to go wash up. Cleansing yourself of all the grime allowed you to have a moment of peace alone. You’d felt like you were under Elrond’s watchful eye the whole time. Stealing glances every minute or so, it was as though he was still ensuring you were behind him and hadn’t run off. It made you feel sad that he had been so worried about you. You hadn’t meant for it to end up this way. You were supposed to make it on your own and get over him, not cause him unnecessary worry. Drying your hair with a towel, you slowed your breathing and tried to shift your focus somewhere else. Going back to Imladris meant getting better again. Just focus on getting better.
After slipping into some new clothes, you headed out of your designated room to see the stars. It took you a while to find a spot where you could see them, but once you did you were proud of yourself for trying. The sky was illuminated in thousands of beautiful arrangements and constellations. You felt like you were lost in them.
“I would have thought you would be anxious to get a good night’s rest after all this time.” You turned to see Elrond beside you, his face turned toward the sky, a small smile on his lips. Seeing him bathed in starlight nearly made you pass out. He was so wildly attractive with his long dark hair cascading over his shoulder, and his reflective mood made him seem gentler and sweeter than ever before.
“I wanted to see the stars,” was all you could think to say as you stood dumbfounded next to him, your eyes refusing to stop staring at his face.
He turned to you and gave you a full smile, churning your insides with only his gaze. The air felt hot all of a sudden and sweat prickled on the back of your neck, making you reach up to scratch it away. Exhaling, you lowered your gaze to the ground beneath you. He was stealing your breath now. Did he have any idea the impact he had on you? Suddenly, his hand took yours and you looked up at him in shock. The smile on his lips turned into a laugh. “Of course you did. You were always one to find something of worth in the small moments, whether it be stargazing or pulling a prank.” You blushed and looked away again, laughter escaping your own throat before you could stop it. His thumb rubbed the back of your hand reassuringly. “I have missed you so much, Y/N.”
“Really?” Your eyes snapped up to meet his. “You missed me?”
“Of course. There wasn’t a day that passed without me thinking of you.”
You smiled. “I missed you too, but I’m assuming you know that.”
His smile faded. “Yes, I did. If you knew leaving would cause you pain and deteriorate your mental state, erasing all your progress, why did you leave?”
“I left because I was hurting, and I thought leaving would make me feel better. I thought if I told you what was going on, you’d be uncomfortable. I would never want to make you uncomfortable, my lord. You mean everything to me. I know you don’t care for me in that way, so I had to do something. I felt like I would lose my mind if I just sat around doing nothing and trying to ignore it. Now I wish that I had stayed so I didn’t end up like this. That would have been the better course of action, I think.”
He sighed. “It takes a true act of bravery to confront our feelings. Sometimes it puts us in a place of discomfort, and we feel we must do something, to act, to balance out that passion with action. I know all to well what you speak of.”
You nodded. “Your wife,” you assumed.
“Well, yes, long ago,” he said, “but that is not of what I speak of now.”
“What do you speak of, then?”
“You felt such great care for me that you did not want to make me uncomfortable. You left because you felt the emotion would drive you insane otherwise, correct?”
“Exactly.”
“I also felt that insanity. When you left, I told myself it was for the better, that you knew what was best for you. Yet after you departed, I longed for you. I longed to see you, to hear you, to touch you. I felt as though my mind was crumbling the more I thought about you. All I could think about was the prospect of never seeing you again. It grieved me so terribly that I couldn’t stop weeping. I felt the only way I could feel at peace again was to be with you. I went to Lothlorien to be in your presence again and to confront the deep emotion I was feeling, but you weren’t there. Do you know how that tortured me?”
Your jaw dropped. Just what was he saying? Shaking your head, you tried to process his words.
“I admit when I first discovered you cared for me, I felt stepping back and creating emotional distance was the best course of action, only because I thought that was the proper thing to do. Would getting involved with someone I was supposed to help be fair to you? Yet I could never bring myself to do that because I delighted in being around you and conversing with you. Looking back on that time, I realized that I care for you also…just as I do now.”
“My lord, what are you saying?” you asked, breathlessly. “Are you admitting that you too care for me? That you love me?”
The smile you’d fallen for once again crossed his lips. “That is exactly what I’m saying.”
Short-circuiting, your brain told you to choke on your own saliva, and you began coughing. Pounding your chest with your fist, you fought to regain your dignity as you hacked in front of the man of your dreams, who had just given you the confession of your dreams. “I…*cough cough*…I…ack!”
“Y/N,” he said, stifling a laugh, “are you alright?”
Your coughs finally subsiding, you wiped your eyes and face with the back of your hand. “I’m so sorry. That’s not what I wanted to do after hearing your confession. I’m always making a mess of things.”
“My dear Y/N, you are too hard on yourself,” he chuckled, unable to keep the laughs at bay.
“I am of course elated by your response,” you said, squeezing his hand.
“I am glad of it,” he said, smiling. “I hope now that we’ve come to this understanding our lives will be less eventful than these past months have been.”
“Is this your way of asking me to prank you less?” you laughed. “That is absolutely not going to happen.”
“Then I hope you’re prepared for some pranks pulled on you, Y/N.”
“Pranks pulled on me?! My lord, I was unaware you knew how to be mischievous.”
He smirked. “Where do you think my sons get it from?”
Laughing, you wrapped your arms around him and hugged him. “It’s so good to be around you again.”
“Y/N, may I kiss you?”
You gasped, stepping back. “Kiss me?”
He smiled. “I’d very much like to.”
“I’d very much like you to.”
He closed the small space between you, wrapping you in his arms and planting a passionate kiss on your lips. It was a brief, but gentle smooch, one that put butterflies in your stomach. “Thank you,” he said.
“Can you…” you stopped talking and laughed before putting your arms around his neck. “Can you keep kissing me? That was too short.”
“Oh, of course!” He leaned back in, but this time you met his lips with yours, passionately kissing him in response. Rarely did things work out for you like this, and you wanted to make sure that you didn’t let this moment get away. He had your whole heart, and you knew you would die loving him deeply as you did now. This wasn’t fleeting, and it was no longer unrequited. He really liked you back. He was even kissing you. His arms were holding on to you tightly, and his lips caressed yours. Under the stars, the two of you had found each other again.
“My lord!” one of his men called from a distance.
The kiss broke apart and you looked at each other sadly. “I’m going to tell him to leave me alone,” Elrond said. “I don’t want to spend another minute apart from you.”
“It’s alright,” you said, shaking your head. “We have the whole ride back to spend together. Plus, I don’t think I’ll be leaving Imladris, even if I do start to show improvement again.”
“So, you’ll stay?”
“Of course.”
He moved back in and kissed you again, gratefully. “Thank you, Y/N. I want you to stay. My home is your home.”
You beamed. “Thank you, my lord.”
“I will see you tomorrow, then?”
“Tomorrow and forever after. I love you, Elrond.”
“I love you, Y/N.” He turned and trotted off in the direction he’d been called.
You turned and began walking back to your room. There was a long road of recovery ahead. Self-doubt still plagued you, unlikely to disappear simply because Elrond had just admitted to liking you. The journey to recovery would only be easier because you were embracing your support now instead of running from it. You were grateful to Elrond for coming to find you when you’d run away. At least one of you was brave. You shook your head. No, now was not the time to belittle yourself. You’d done what you thought was right, given the circumstances, just like Elrond had said. You’d made a mistake, something everyone did from time to time. Harassing yourself about it wasn’t going to make you feel better. The only thing you could do was move forward. It was time to love yourself. If Elrond could do it, so could you. You were always worthy of love from yourself, even if no one else showed it.
A glance back up at the stars filled your mind with peace and hope. Tomorrow, you and Elrond would go back to Imladris. Tomorrow, you would face your doubts. Tomorrow, you would love.
Bursting through the crowd and sending two people crashing into each other, Elladan rushed to you, wrapping you in his arms in a rib cracking hug. You collapsed into him, embracing the warmth and safety emanating from him while sobbing in his arms. He lifted you off the ground, arms still tightly around you, and carried you off, setting you down next to his horse. “Let’s go home,” he said, eyes glistening with tears. You nodded in agreement, and he pulled you back into another hug before helping you onto his horse. Climbing up behind you, he nodded to his brother. “Let’s go.”
**
The journey home was uneventful, with the group only ever stopping when you needed something. Elladan attended to your every need, only leaving you alone when you needed to use the bathroom. He was constantly holding you in some way: an arm around your waist when on horseback, an arm linked with yours while walking, a hand clutching yours at night. His brother had brought you a change of clothes, and they’d stopped by Lothlorien to give you a chance to wash and rest peacefully for one night. You’d apologized profusely to Lady Galadriel for running away, but all was forgiven in the end. Your heart was beginning to feel that same old ache again, the ache you felt when someone was nice to you. It was as though you felt you didn’t deserve it. But even though you were consumed with guilt, you couldn’t stay away from Elladan. He was a stronghold you could hide away in and feel safe.
When the group finally reached the borders of the valley, you requested to stop. Walking to the edge of the border, you looked at Elladan with concern. “Is he mad?”
“Is who mad?”
“Who do you think?”
He sighed and looked away. “No, he’s not mad. Concerned, most definitely, but not mad.”
“Are you sure you’re telling the truth? What’s wrong?” You touched his arm. “You seem upset.”
He looked down at his feet. “You’ve been thinking about him this whole time, haven’t you?”
“I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to him and how he’ll react.”
“Did you ever think of me?”
“What?”
“After I left you in Lothlorien, did you think of me?”
You nodded forcefully. “Of course I thought of you. I missed you so much. Painfully so, even.”
He looked up in surprised and touched your arm. “I did not mean to cause you pain.”
Chuckling, you put your arms around him. “It’s not as though you did it on purpose, El.”
“Even so, if thoughts of me were hurting you—”
“Then that’s on me.” You buried your face in his chest. “I’ve never been more grateful to you.”
His strong arms enveloped you. “I have to be honest with you, Y/N. I don’t want to cause you more pain.”
You pulled away and looked at him in surprise. “What is it?”
“The unrequited love you feel for my father...” He released you from his grasp. “I feel it for you.”
“What?” you said, confused. “You feel the love I have for your father?”
“No, no. I feel…no, I love you, Y/N. With all my heart and every fiber of my being, I love you. I never said anything because I knew you loved him and I worried confessing my feelings might put unneeded pressure on you when you were already struggling, especially since I knew your heart belonged to another, but these past weeks we’ve been travelling have made me feel closer to you than ever before. Perhaps I am misreading our interactions and your intentions, but I felt now was the time to say something. If I wait any longer, it might be too late to say anything.”
You blinked back tears. “Oh, Elladan…how long have you felt this way?”
“Four years.”
You gasped. “Four years?”
“Repeating again, are we?” he said, a smile crossing his lips.
You rolled your eyes and smacked his arm. “El, you should have told me sooner.”
“No, Y/N, it wouldn’t have been fair. I know you would have felt guilty about not returning my feelings.”
Sighing, you looked over the valley. “Perhaps you’re right. Still, I would have liked to have known. I might have realized and returned them a lot sooner if you had.”
“A lot…sooner?”
You took one of his hands in both of yours. “You haven’t misread my attentions, El. Ever since we set out for Lothlorien, I have felt a great love for you. A grateful love that turned into a longing love when you left me. A love that left me shaken to my core in devastation, thinking I might not see you again. It was you that befriended me first when I arrived in Imladris. It was you that gave me hope that your father could help me. You were my best friend and greatest ally. Although I found myself pining after your father, there was always love for you in my heart. I left because I knew he would never love me and I knew not having him love me would be painful, but I failed to see that being apart from you would destroy me. And it did. I thought I was dreaming when your brother called out to me in that village. But when I saw you, I knew for certain that it was real. Not just the fact that you had come, but the fact that I loved you more deeply than anyone else, including your father. I couldn’t bear to be apart from you after that. It’s the only reason why I came back. If you hadn’t been there to show me you still gave an ounce of care about me, I might not have had the courage to. And when I saw that you were equally as desperate to be close to me, I knew you felt something for me too. I wasn’t sure how strong it was, but I decided I wouldn’t be letting you go this time.” You pulled the back of his hand up to your lips and kissed it gently. “I love you, Elladan, with every fiber of my being and I never want to be apart from you ever again.”
He swallowed, blinking away the tears in his eyes. “Y/N…”
You shook your head. “Don’t cry. If you cry, I’ll really start crying.”
“I won’t cry then,” he said, softly, pulling you close and tipping your chin upward. You closed your eyes and felt his lips embrace yours in a kiss that brought your confidence back to life. Every fear, every doubt, every thought of hatred for yourself faded into the background as he kissed you passionately. His arms held you against his chest as your wrapped around his back and clutched the fabric of his shirt. You had no idea why you’d been so consumed with thoughts of his father when he had been standing right behind you, holding you up, this whole time. You knew you’d felt gratitude and love for Elrond, but standing here and kissing Elladan made you reconsider every emotion you’d ever felt. Why had you denied yourself this happiness? For four years, he was thinking of you when all you could think about was yourself. But there was no time to beat yourself up now. You had to make up for four years’ worth of lost time. Elladan needed to feel the intensity of the love you had for him, and you were going to show it to him. The kiss you were sharing was passionate, needy, and full of relief at finally being able to be together. One hand had slipped up your back to tangle in your hair, and you were holding onto him for dear life as your lips moved against one another in harmony.
“Um, excuse me,” Elrohir said, coughing, and you and Elladan practically flew apart. The twins refused to make eye contact with each other and Elrohir cleared his throat. “I think we should be going now. We need to make it back before nightfall.”
“O-of course,” Elladan stuttered, turning to you with a slight blush on his cheeks.
You laughed. “The sooner we get back, the sooner we can resume.”
Elrohir sighed. “Yes, think of it that way, if you must.”
Elladan scooped you up into his arms. “Let’s go, Y/N. I still have much to prove.”
“You have nothing to prove, El.”
He kissed your lips sweetly. “I love you, Y/N. I can’t wait to show you how much I love you every day.”
You buried your face in his shoulder. “I love you more, Elladan.”
I received a life changing diagnosis nearly three weeks ago that made me realize most everything I had been doing in my life up until that point was for other people. I went to school for other people, I played instruments for other people, hell, I even wrote for other people. But this news made me realize I don't want to leave this earth and only have lived for other people. What about me? What about what I want? I've been following various tumblr blogs for a long time and I've always enjoyed using them to interact with fanfiction. I dreamed of running my own blog someday and interacting with various people online that would read my fanfictions and give me feedback. Well, I'm tired of dreaming and not doing, so here I am. I don't really know anything about running a blog and I don't even know if anyone will read this, but this is all about me and doing something I've always wanted to do.
I have a couple of things that I've already written that I might post, but this is also a public site, so I'll probably have to work up the courage. If you don't enjoy my writing, that's okay. If you don't care about the content or the stories, that's okay. This blog is for me. If you're interested though, I'd love to have you along for the ride!
