"If I Look Back, I'm Lost"
I just want to talk briefly about the significance of this line of Danyâs: âIf I look back, Iâm lost.â She thinks it over and over again, utilizes it as a mantra over the course of the series, but there is an important evolution I think people should note.Â
Hereâs the first instance of the quote from right after Dany is told about her son:
Darkness, Dany thought. The terrible darkness sweeping up behind to devour her. If she looked back she was lost. Dany, AGoT
It begins as a reminder that she canât change what has happened. That if she allows the horrible things in her past, the consequences of her choices, everything to dwell in her thoughts, itâd overwhelm her.
She continues focusing on the future when her past choices and their current consequences threaten to take her down:Â
 âYou warned me that only death could pay for life. I thought you meant the horse.âÂ
âNo,â Mirri Maz Duur said. âThat was a lie you told yourself. You knew the price.â
Had she? Had she? If I look back I am lost. âThe price was paid,â Dany said. âThe horse, my child, Quaro and Qotho, Haggo and Cohollo. The price was paid and paid and paid.â She rose from her cushions. âWhere is Khal Drogo? Show him to me, godswife, maegi, bloodmage, whatever you are. Show me Khal Drogo. Show me what I bought with my sonâs life.â AGoT
Canât think about it, focusing on the goodness, moving on. She thinks it again and again at the end of AGoT- before mercy killing Drogo, when she finally realizes Mirri Maz Duurâs true actions, when she hears of Ereohâs fate, when she takes control of the remaining Dothraki, and when she walks into the fire to hatch the dragons.
Dany is vulnerable in AGoT with the many changes (from Illyrioâs to the Dothraki to losing the Dothraki) and losses in her life (from Viserys to her son to Drogo.) She realizes if she allows herself to dwell on it all, she will fall and focuses on the future, accepts that she canât change the past.
People forget that this mantra of hers dies out a bit. It doesnât appear in ACoK and only appears once in ASoS when sheâs preparing herself for her moves in Astapor, the beginning of it all, despite her âsmall and insignificant following."Â
Then in ADWD, things change for Dany. Sheâd been proactive, moving forward and not looking back, refusing to allow her doubt to take over. However, things from the past and present begin falling apart. By choosing to remain in Meereen, which Dany elected to do to test herself before going to Westeros and see if she could truly rule, Dany is forced to be still. She has to focus on the consequences of her actions because theyâre appearing in front of her.
She thinks of her mantra again when Brown Ben Plumm turns on her and everythingâs going to hell, she thinks of it when she opens the fighting pits again, she thinks of it when she considers her decision to lock up her dragons, and twice during her adventures with Drogon.
But hereâs the thing, Dany was a child who needed a crutch like this mantra to keep her going when she created it. How else do you survive such horrible changes and losses and doubts but push forward?
Dany grows though, she matures. She chooses to rule in Meereen because she wants to shed her idealism and become a true ruler.Â
Iâve seen people say that Dany is immature and doesnât understand the consequences of her actions, that sheâs impulsive and leaves destruction in her wake because she doesnât listen to council, but Dany seeks awareness and wants to make a change. Thatâs why by the end of ADWD she is maturing in a beautiful way symbolic of this mantra of hers. Quaithe told her:
âTo go north, you must journey south. To reach the west, you must go east. To go forward, you must go back. To touch the light you must pass beneath the shadow.âÂ
And Dany didnât heed it at the time. But after everything in ADWD, Dany is listening, she has always wanted to make the right decisions and do the right thing, and sheâs maturing.
And so in Danyâs most recent chapter, the last thing she says is this:
Drogon came, snorting plumes of smoke. The grass bowed down before him. Dany leapt onto his back. She stank of blood and sweat and fear, but none of that mattered. âTo go forward I must go back,â she said. ADWD
Character development and growth, Danyâs still growing up, but sheâs moving in the right direction.
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