30 before 30
I was in a trendy book store once, browsing around all the funny books with my friend. We came across the moleskins and decided to buy a 2 pack, but split it so we each had one. Basically, we decided to be moleskin buds.
I took mine home and sat down with it, what was I going to write on the first page? I decided to do a 30 before 30 list, my other friend is always referencing things on hers, so why not try it out. I do well with lists, and goal. I knew for the next 5 years I would picture this Moleskin page, with my list on it and remember all the things I wanted to do. So I lit some incense, grabbed a pen I like and plopped down on my freshly made bed. They started spilling out, before I knew it I was at 15...17....22....then 30. Some were very personal I started to realize I didn’t really want anyone to ever read them, that some could be shared, but some were for me and my own psyche.
This is a personal reflection on something that has been bothering me for about 3 weeks. About a month passed after writing this list, on the first page of my moleskin. I carried this moleskin everywhere with me - I made other notes in it, like a handy dandy notebook in my backpack, all the while thinking, I can’t leave this anywhere, or someone will read my personal entry.
I was at a friends house, I was overtired from working several days straight, I had a shift later that night and I was just killing time. I pulled out my notebook to draft out an idea for a design, and before I knew it my friends were making plans to meet up with someone. We left in a rush, and I knowing this would happen one day but tried never to let it happen....forgot my moleskin.
It’s been 3 weeks, it still remains at his house. I know he must have read it, and i’m not sure how I feel about it. It’s nothing about how I feel about anyone else, it’s about me and how I feel about myself. This whole situation has caused me to wonder the purpose of a journal and how at any time someone can read something really personal about you that you wrote down. It’s vulnerable.
I’ve been thinking about this for three weeks, and how badly I want that notebook back. I wonder what i’ll do if I ever get it back, will I read it again and wonder what he must have thought about each of my entries? Will I hope that he didn’t and be happy it’s mine again. Or will I let it all go, lock it away and go back to it after a time.
