synopsis: if he could trade the world for just a few more moments with you, he would.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ o.dazai x fem!reader
A hospital is a place of contrasts—where life began and ended, where grief and hope existed side by side. Time feels different here—either dragging endlessly or slipping away to quickly when moments are precious. Some find the hospital a temporary space of healing before returning to the outside world, while others find it their final resting place.
You hated the hospital. Boring, white halls, the quiet humming of machines mixed with the rhythmic beeping of monitors and distant murmurs of doctors nearby. The weird, unfamiliar smell of
antiseptic—sharp, clean, and almost metallic, like the alcohol wipes and disinfectant lingering in the air that would always give you headaches.
"What a beautiful day. Isn't that right, Y/n-chan?" a rather annoying voice said, snapping you out of your thoughts.
Too exhausted and frail (at the moment) to get out of bed, you turn your head towards a man standing at the window by your hospital bed. He gazed outside with a calm smile, causing you to scowl.
"Whatever." you muttered, turning your body away from him.
Dazai Osamu. You didn't know where he came from, or what made him want to stay in your room and annoy you half to death. He was twenty-two, but had such a childish and happy personality, which made you jealous. You were jealous over the fact that he didn't have to spend his whole life in the hospital. Jealous over the fact that he can look forward to a long existence, to seeing life at seventy—maybe even more.
The brunette could only chuckle to your bad attitude, finding it amusing even if others didn't. "Don't be such a downer, Y/n-chan! Spring is a chance of growth and new beginnings, so cheer up!"
"And yet here I am, too weak to even move a finger." you retorted, eyebrows furrowing.
"You're acting as if you're going to die any second now, Y/n-chan." Dazai shook his head and turned to face you.
You looked at Dazai, shooting him an irritated glare—one that only made his smirk widen. "Would it kill you to shut up for once? You're like an annoying fly."
"You know, have you ever considered smiling? That pretty face of yours would look much more charming if you did." teased Dazai as he leaned in closer, the close proximity causing your cheeks to turn a light hue of pink.
Dazai chuckled at your flustered expression, tilting your chin up. "Falling for me already, Y/n-chan?"
Your eyebrows creased together in irritation and began to protest in defense. Just then, a nurse walked in with a wheelchair and a sickening smile that you disliked so much.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," The nurse said with her normal, sweet tone. You rolled your eyes in annoyance and swatted Dazai's wrist away. "Shall we go outside for some fresh air,
L/n-san?"
You sighed, nodded, and watched as the nurse helped assist you into the wheelchair. As you were pushed towards the door of your bedroom, you turned your head to Dazai with a death-glare.
"You better be out of my room by the time I'm back." you threatened. Dazai flashed you an amused smile, waving to you as the nurse wheeled you outside.
Of course, Dazai got bored within minutes of your absence. And, of course, he couldn't resist following you outside—just so he could pester you like always.
As Dazai finally made it to the courtyard, his attention was caught when he saw you sitting at a bench while gazing at the garden, hair blowing gently in the light breeze.
"Hey." Dazai spoke up with a calm expression and sat down next to you, though he kept a distance.
"Hey." you replied, not taking your attention off of the garden. You took a deep breath of the fresh air, savoring its purity—a stark contrast to the sterile, antiseptic smell of the hospital room.
And, for a fleeting moment, you forgot about your heart disease. You felt as if you could do anything without being held back. You felt free.
Dazai's gaze lingered on you for a moment before he found himself caught in the trap of your beauty. The way the gentle sunlight played with your features, seeming to make you shine. You were absolutely ethereal to Dazai.
He was quiet for a moment, just watching you. After a beat, Dazai spoke up again, his voice soft. "You look happy for once." he noted, lips quirking up into a small smile.
You blinked at Dazai's blunt compliment, your face heating up as you turned to him—only to quickly look away, brows furrowing. "S-Shut up! Do you always have to ruin the moment by pointing things out?"
By your annoyed response, it only filled Dazai's amusement more as his smile widened. "Ruin the moment? I didn't do anything, I just stated the obvious." he said, crossing his arms and leaning back on the bench.
"Maybe keep your 'obvious' thoughts to yourself, then." you retorted, glancing back at Dazai.
Dazai let out a dramatic sigh, resting the back of his hand against his forehead. "Ahh, but where's the fun in that? Watching you get flustered is the highlight of my day."
Your cheeks burned hotter, and you huffed, turning away. "You're impossible."
He chuckled, tapping a finger against his chin. "Impossible? No, no, I'm quite real. But if you keep looking that cute when you're annoyed, I might just start thinking you're the one trying to fluster me."
You let out a groan and buried your face into your hands. Did he have to be like this?
Dazai smiled innocently at your flustered state. "You know, you're much more pleasant when you're not trying to sew my mouth shut." he sighed, watching you with an unreadable expression. "Can you at least try and enjoy the moment, for once?"
You scoffed. "Easy for you to say."
"Oh? And why is that? Because I don't dwell on unfairness at all? Because I don’t waste my energy being angry at a world that won’t change just for me?" He asked, his voice teasing as always, but the was an unmistakable sharpness behind it.
You stiffened. Dazai took that as a invitation to press on. "Tell me, does your anger make anything better? You could keep glaring at the world all you want, but it won't glare back. It won't apologize, it won't make things fair."
Your gaze fell onto your lap, gripping your hospital gown tightly. As much as you hated to admit, Dazai was right.
"You're right." you replied quietly. "But, with so much I wanted to do and such little time now—you'd start to lose hope. You start to lose happiness and feel angry at the thought of missing out on a life you could've lived to the fullest."
"I know I'm pathetic because I'm whining over the unfairness of the universe, but can you blame me? My heart is failing, and I can't even get up properly without somebody's help. I can't even live to see the world at twenty-five." You said with a hint of bitterness behind your tone. Dazai's eyebrows knitted together.
"But it's better than not doing it at all, right? Make the most of what you can. That way, when it's time, you can pass peacefully knowing you at least experienced a bit of that thrill." Dazai said. He couldn't believe he was encouraging living, of all things. "There's still things to enjoy, even if you only have a year left."
He grinned. "And think about it—if you play your cards right, this could make your most dramatic, tragic art yet. A beautiful, fleeting existence... like a candle burning both ends."
"Wow, Dazai. What an uplift way of putting it." you stated, shooting him a flat look.
"You know me, I have a knack for making things grim things sound poetic." Dazai chuckled and leaned closer. You blinked, feeling your cheeks grow hot. "Besides, imagine all the fun things we can do! Swapping files in the doctors office? Slipping silly notes into other patients foods? How about sneaking out of your room late at night to stargaze?"
You raised an eyebrow. "You really know how to turn my life into a novel, huh?"
Dazai beamed. "Exactly! And who better to co-star in this final chapter than me?" He winked, his tone teasing, but underneath it all, there was something more sincere—like he truly meant to make your remaining time something worth smiling about.
You couldn't help but smile warmly at Dazai's antics, letting out a small chuckle at the thought of all the scandalous and fun moments you guys could share together.
Wow. Dazai's nonexistent heart did a few jumps at your beautiful smile. His breath caught in his throat, and for a moment, he wondered if you could hear his heartbeat—or feel it, too. But he quickly masked the turmoil and returned your smile.
"That's what I'm talking about." he whispered, his gaze softening in admiration. Not only did he feel happy for you, he felt proud of himself for finally making somebody smile, instead of staring at him in fear.
After that day, your behavior did a complete backflip. You were seen giving compliments to nurses, thanking your doctor, got out of bed frequently, and smiling more often. You tried make an effort to clean up your attitude, something that didn't go unnoticed to Dazai.
"My, my, look at you! If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're turning into a model patient." Dazai smirked as he leaned against the doorframe of your room.
You rolled your eyes, returning Dazai's smirk. "Maybe I just got tired of looking like a disaster."
Dazai chuckled, approached your bed, and sat down beside you. He stared at you with a glint of amusement in his eyes. "That's a shame. I was beginning admire your bedridden aesthetic. You're cute when you're angry."
You ignored Dazai's playful compliment. "Well, maybe I found something or someone I look forward to seeing everyday." You countered.
For a second, Dazai's teasing demeanor faltered slightly, his brown eyes softening. Then, he returned to his charming and teasing personality. "Ah, you mean my visits, don't you?" He clasped his hands together in a mock delight. "I knew it, my wise words finally knocked some sense into your thick skull!"
Your eye twitched in annoyance to Dazai's words. Did he always have to ruin good moments like these?
Dazai leaned forward, resting his chin in the palm of his hand as he watched you. "I'm glad to see you like this, though. It's almost... refreshing." You felt your cheeks grow hot and you turned your head away in attempt to hide your embarrassment. Dazai's lips curled into a small smile. "I was right, a smile does suit you much better."
"Y/n-chan. Y/n-chan, wake up." A soft voice coaxed you, tapping your cheek.
You grumbled and slowly opened your eyes, the sot glow of the moonlight bleeding through the curtains and casting delicate patterns across your room. You turn to your side, deadpanning when you were met by Dazai, who flashed you the dumbest smile you've ever seen.
"Dazai? What the hell are you doing here?" you asked gruffly and turned your head towards the alarm clock. An vein popped on your forehead when you read the time. "Dazai, it's four fucking am. What could you possibly want at this time?"
Dazai kept his innocent smile, as if he didn't ruin your peaceful slumber. "I was feeling a little... restless, you know?" he raised an eyebrow, his usual mischievous glint in his eyes. "And I thought, who better to share the night sky than you?"
You blinked in disbelief. "You woke up at four in the morning to stargaze?"
You pinched the bridge of your nose in annoyance and irritation. "Are you always this rambunctious so early in the morning?"
"Maybe. But it's still dark outside, and the stars won't wait forever. What do you say?" Dazai chuckled.
"Great! Let's go before the stars change their mind." Dazai cheered while helping you into a wheelchair.
As Dazai wheeled you out in the courtyard, the cold air hit your cheeks, causing you to shiver as you clung to your cardigan in desperation for body warmth. Dazai pushed you to a bench and helped you sit down before taking a seat next to you. He gave you a sideways glance, his mischievous smile softening when he noticed your discomfort.
"You look cold." he commented.
"Thanks for noticing, genius." you huffed, pressing your lips together as the wind blew past you. "Can we go back inside?"
Dazai smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Why? We're getting to the best part of tonight! It's highlight in your life before you, well... pass on."
"Way to make this memorable." you shot Dazai a flat look. The brunette chuckled and took off his jacket, wrapping it around your shoulders.
You blinked as you look down, holding the sleeve. Huh. His choice of sweaters were awfully soft and cozy. "I didn't ask for this."
"Yeah, but I figured you'd rather be warm than cold." Dazai replied plainly, tilting his head up to gaze at the stars, his brown eyes reflecting the twinkling lights.
You did the same, turning your head up to gaze at the stars. Your expression softens at the breathtaking sight. The night stretched out before you, filled with the kind of stillness that made you forget the passage of time.
"Not so bad, huh?" Dazai asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
You finally relaxed, leaning your back against the bench, letting the chill of the air and the warmth of his coat mix together. "Yeah, not so bad."
As the moment the two shared together progressed, what seemed like minutes turned into hours, and the black canvas of the night slowly faded into the pastel colors of orange, blue, and yellow.
Dazai blinked as the sun hit his view, peaking from over the horizons, its light spilling across his face, softening his features for a brief moment before the familiar smirk returned to his lips.
"I guess it's morning. Perhaps we should head back inside—" Before Dazai could finish, he felt a mass weighing down his shoulder. He turned his head to see you sleeping against his shoulder. Dazai's eyes softened as he observed you, the gentle rise and fall of your chest with each steady breath.
Dazai wrapped an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer towards his side as he continued to watch the sunrise. "You know, sometimes I feel this strange, unsettling feeling at the thought of you dying so soon."
Dazai paused before continuing. "Crazy, isn't it? How even a fleeting person can leave a mark on me."
Minutes turned into hours, and hours faded into days. As time progressed, you began to feel more exhausted than usual, each moment began to feel heavier than the last. A constant dizziness clouded your senses and the uncomfortable feeling of nausea creeping onto you. Even the simple act of breathing felt like a struggle, each inhale more labored than before.
Even then, Dazai stilled stayed by your side, even when moments fell into silence, filling the small hospital room with an almost unbearable stillness. Of course, he kept his usual playful, teasing personality with relentless antics—but beneath it all was a fear he refused to voice. The fear of losing you to far soon.
"Hey, Dazai?" you called out, turning your body to Dazai, who was seating in a chair next to your bed.
Dazai hummed in response, not taking his attention off his book. You sighed at the lack of attention and flopped back down on your back while staring up at the ceiling.
"I'm bored." you stated plainly with a blank expression. "Can you read to me?"
Dazai exhaled softly, but nonetheless cleared his throat and began to read aloud. Just as his voice settled in the rhythm of the words, you suddenly interrupted him.
"Y'know, as much as I hate to admit it, I think I'd miss your stupid face when I pass..." you muttered.
Dazai paused, his grip unconsciously tightening on the spine of the book as his gaze flickered toward you. For a moment, the usual playfulness in his expression wavered, replaced by something quieter—something unreadable.
You chuckled, though there was no hint of humor behind it whatsoever. "Sorry."
Dazai pressed his lips together and looked back down at the pages of his book. He then turned his head to you, his shoulders hunched. "If I could trade the world for just another year or two with you, I would."
"That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?" you murmured, trying to mask the warmth creeping into your painful chest.
A lopsided smile tugged on Dazai's lips, his eyes holding none of their usual mischief. "Dramatic? Maybe. But for once, I'm not exaggerating." he tilted his head back. "The world is overrated, anyways."
You snorted, smirking at Dazai. "What happened to Mr. Optimism himself?"
"What's the point of having if it means losing you?" Dazai countered, his voice quieter.
You blinked, caught off guard by Dazai's words. A warmth crept up to your cheeks as your fingers hesitated gently resting over his.
"You're not losing me just yet, you know," you said softly, avoiding his gaze. "I'm still here, Dazai."
Daziai's usual playful facade had cracked, leaving behind something far more vulnerable—something he rarely let anyone see. You bit the inside of your cheek before continuing. "You always act like you have to carry everything alone," you muttered. "But you don't. Not with me."
Dazai was silent for a moment, then letting out a small chuckle. He turned his hand over and intertwined your fingers with his. "How cruel," he mused, his voice now gentle. "Comforting a man who specializes in deception.
You met Dazai's gaze, a faint smile stretching across your lips as you gave his hand a small squeeze. "Even you deserve it sometimes."
Dazai smirked and leaned closer, wiggling his eyebrows. "How sweet, my Y/n-chan is being so kind to me, finally!"
You rolled your eyes. "Don't get use to it."
Dazai chuckled. After a small moment of silence, Dazai broke it by sneakily planting a quick kiss on your lips. It was short and sweet, but you savored the feeling of Dazai's soft lips against your chapped ones. You touched your lips where Dazai had kissed you, blushing furiously.
"Stop acting like you didn't like it, Y/n-chan. We both know how we feel about each other." Dazai interrupted, sending you a playful wink.
"W-Whatever! You're so annoying..."
Dazai let out a light laugh in response, then pressing a kiss onto your cheek and forehead, only causing your face to grow hotter.
"Stop it, you weirdo!" you flushed.
"Why though?~ I can't help it. It's not everyday when I get the privilege to kiss such a beautiful goddess." he teased, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. His lips curling into a mischievous grin as he leaned back, watching your face turn even redder.
That night, Dazai held you close, his head resting gently on your chest as he listened to the soft, uneven rhythm of your heart—each beat a reminder of how fragile time was. His grip remained firm, his eyes scanning for any shift in the familiar pulse, his mind alert to the slightest change. He stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, ensuring you were safe. Soon after you drifted into a quiet sleep, the weight of the night finally pulled him under as well, his breath steadying in time with yours.
The next morning, the soft morning glow of the sun bled through the fabric of the curtains, landing on Dazai's face. The brunette stirred from his sleep, slowly opening his eyes as he sat up. Dazai let out a yawn and stretched his arms over his head, turning back to look at your peaceful sleeping figure.
Dazai gently took your hand, his fingers brushing against your skin. But the moment his fingertips made contact, a chill shot through him, and the blood drained from his face as he felt just how cold you had become. His grip tightened instinctively, his heart skipping a beat as panic gripped him. He quickly raised your hand to his lips, pressing them against your skin in a desperate, unconscious attempt to warm you. The coldness seeped deeper into him, his mind racing, but he kept his composure, determined not to show the fear that was bubbling just beneath the surface.
That's when Dazai realized. You had finally departed from Earth, and it hurt him more than he wanted it to. Dazai let go of your hand, letting it flop back down to your side limply as he stared at you with unspoken tears.
You were gone, and you weren't going to come back.
Dazai wanted to shout and scream, curse the universe for making his life so unfair and unfortunate, but he held himself back. He reminded himself that it wouldn't change the fact that you had passed.
After that day, the world appeared more dull and lifeless to Dazai, as if the colors had faded away. Everything felt empty without your presence, each moment stretching on in muted shades of gray.
a/n: i think you'll need these... passes tissue box. anyways i love you guys! (≧ڡ≦*)
