we're not kids anymore.
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if i look back, i am lost
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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gracie abrams
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Jules of Nature
Stranger Things
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Not today Justin
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@summr-skies
Once
Once upon a time, you loved me a lot. And then it started to fade until there’s none. One moment,I looked into your eyes and found myself in them. Cherished and deeply cared for. Then it vanished, as Time passed. With all the thorn and brambles it had to go through. We tried to grasp it harder, but we bled and bruised and it seemed a losing battle. The dragons stayed and knew no master. I was…
Part
when the inevitable comesthat hurting me is here at lastwhen parting ways is all that’s leftplease grant me one wishif you canplease let your last words to me be gentleand the dagger you stab me with be swift, and cut cleanerand then walk away without looking back.leave, without room for doubtthat all had ceased between usI would not want the bitter words tolinger and leave deeper wounds than…
Missed Understanding
Ours was nota misunderstanding.It was deliberate actions that led us here.I have wounded you, and you knew how to hurt me most and where it would hit me the hardest.And I hate that we did this to ourselves.How I wish we would have been kinder.Perhaps walked away even before we met.Maybe that would have given us a better ending.We could have avoided the carnage and all the heartbreaks it came…
Mom Adopts a “Dog”
So y’all keep blowing up my notes with the various Family Lore stories I’ve been telling, so I guess I should tell one on my parents now.
My Mother’s Father was part of the United Auto Worker’s Union, and during the 50′s and 60′s, was on strike a lot. My point is, grandpa got himself an entirely deserved reputation for being a sucker who loved animals, so people would dump thier pets on him. Hence, my mother grew up in a house with pets such as Picket the one-eyed tomcat, Tweety the Bald canary, Dummy the cat, Stupid Son of Dummy, Spooky Garbage Dog and Chiquita the Tarantula. Eventually Grandma put her foot down when Grandpa brought home Gerta the Saint Bernard.
I say all this because it provides some context for how the following occured.
Mom and Dad had just moved in together (my parents dated for six years and were engaged for 13 days, driving everyone on both sides insane), and unfortunately, My mother’s German Shepherd, Cops, has just passed away due to bone cancer. After mourning for a bit, Mom and Dad decided to get a dog together, as a couple.
For context, my father had never owned a dog in his life. His mother had ‘Pretty Bird” the budgie as a child but parrots are alien life forms, not pets.
So they go to the Palo Alto Animal shelter to adopt. The year was 1987, and at the time, Palo Alto was… not a great place. Lots of drugs, gangs and poor civic managment. Mom told me that she learned to identify different types of gunfire while living there. They get there, and mom explains that she’s always had a preference for Big Dogs, and the guy’s face lights up. Oh Yes, he says, We have a Big Dog. For expirienced owners, yep, adoptable today, here we’ll give you a discount even-
Somehow my parents were not suspicious about this.
They were shown to the Animal in question, a Gorgeous blue-sable beastie with pretty golden eyes who immediately pressed herself against the fence and gave them the best PUH-LEEEEEEASE TAKE ME HOME puppy eyes 100lbs of canine can do. Mom and Dad fall in love instantly. They sign all the paperwork and take her home for $10, and name her “Mazel” as in “Mazel Tov.”
Within the hour, it becomes clear that something is amiss.
Cops had lived with his kibble stored in a plastic garbage can in the garage for six years without incident. Mazel figured out how to open doors and got the locking lid off the can in six minutes, horking down about four pounds of the stuff before my mother notices that it’s been weirdly quiet. Most dogs bark at or chase squirrels. Mazel stalked and caught one the second day, presenting it to my mother like an offering. Mazel knew all her commands but would clearly stop to consider before obeying, and trained my dad to give her good treats within a week. The locks on the side-yard gate were undone, and she took a stroll around the neighborhood, but always retuned home for dinner.
After a week of gradually realizing that Mazel was smarter than most of the professors my mom worked with, they took her to the Vet for a routine checkup.
Dr. Hamada walked into the exam room, dropped the clip-board and said “Where the HELL did you get a Wolf?”
After a bit of prodding and a very-angry-dr.hamada-calling-the-pound, they determined Mazel was a high-content hybrid, probably with a husky, but was going to be a lil shit her entire life. OK, said Hamada, I don’t like destroying animals and you’ve got a lot of expirience with dogs, so I’m okay with letting you keep her, but you should keep her away from small children because her Prey Drive could kick in.
Two years later, mom got pregnant with me.
Mazel noticed instantly, and reacted by digging a large hole in the yard and catching even more squirrels for mom, because she needed the protein or something. That what you do when the Alpha Bitch is preggers, right? Dig a den and ply her with food? On the advice of my grandmother, my mom stayed overnight at the hospital once I was delivered, and dad went home with a shirt that had moms and my scent on it. Mazel spent the whole night puzzling over it.
The next morning, when mom came home with me, there was the sudden and instantaneous recognition of PUPPY!!!!!! :D:D:D!!!!! PUUUUUUUPPY!!!!!! and Mazel turned into the most aggressively maternal being I’ve ever met. Playing with me on the blanket, sitting under my chair at meals (I was a messy eater), sleeping under my crib, teaching me to walk by letting me hang onto her fur and shuffle around.
Dr. Hamada thought mom was a madwoman, until he saw me holding Mazel’s mouth open and sticking my face in so i could look at her teeth. He gave up when my mom announced she was pregnant with my sister.
I’m making living with a Wolfdog sound awesome, but it did come with some drawbacks:
Mazel did have to be muzzled at the vets, because she had Opinions about having things stuck up her butt.
HAIR. One of my chores growing up was to brush her out every week and I’d frequently end up with more hair than animal.
the only way we could reliably get her to stay in the yard was with an overhead tether with a STEEL cable, which she chewed through anyway.
Do you like waking up by being hit in the face with half a dead animal? No? Wolfdogs may not be for you.
More than capable of opening the fridge and eating everything if you’re not watching
Will get into everything if not otherwise occupied. Including eating your tax forms.
Howls along with sirens at 4 AM.
PROS of growing up with a wolfdog, as a small child in the 90′s
I was afforded a degree of freedom normally associated with a pokemon trianer. It was no big deal for me and my sister to walk three miles through my not-really-good neighborhood to the Froyo if I took Mazel with us. People tended to leave us alone when we had 100lbs of overprotective Apex Predator following us around.
WINNING at Pet Day at school. There wasn’t actually a compettion but Billy’s hamster sucks in comparison to an animal that is perfectly willing to demonstrate how she can snap an oak branch in half on command.
PTA moms losing their shit because Mazel would walk down the block by herself to come pick ups up from school.
Grew up associating the word “Bitch” with teeth and the willingness to rip an asshole’s face off for being rude. Never changed the definition.
Learned the I-Own-This Strut and Murder-Stare from the absolute best.
When she was 17, Mom and Dad decided to add another room on to the house. They rigged up the overhead tether so she could be outside but not underfoot for the contruction guys. One morning, mom came out to notice them all milling in the side yard entrance, muttering worriedly. When mom asked what was wrong, one of them explained that Carlos forgot to bring the Hamburger. What do you need a hamburger for? Asked mom, and they pointed down the side yard to where Mazel was sitting, doing her best Viscious Alpha Bitch Stare.
Apparently they’d never realized that she was on the VERY end of her tether there and couldn’t actually get to them, and had been scamming them for a big mac a day for a month. Mom had my six-year-old sister pull her away to show she wasn’t dangerous and tired her best not to laugh but kind of failed.
Mazel ended up living to be 19 and a half, and except for some minor arthritis, remarkably hale until the day she passed away in her hole in the back yard while taking a nap. I maintain that Death had to wait until she was sleeping to get a crack at her, or she would’ve taken his scythe for a chew toy.
Matthew 28:1-15
Early on Sunday morning, as the new day was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went out to visit the tomb. Suddenly there was a great earthquake! For an angel of the Lord came down from heaven, rolled aside the stone, and sat on it. His face shone like lightning, and his clothing was as white as snow. The guards shook with fear when they saw him, and they fell into a dead faint. Then the…
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Choices
I often wonderwhat could be on the other side,but I’ve never beenbrave enough to take a shot. Too scared fo more rejections,and too cautious to disruptwhat’s been comfortable,I am not one to stir the waters.I tell myself I am content,though I long to seewhat amazing things possiblylies ahead.I am scared.I am easily frightened,and I am too quick to get wounded. But each timea missed chance…
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Lulled
I have forgiven,and I’m working on forgetting. I’ve said it many times,and I’ve cometo acceptanceand somehow,I understandwhy things had to be. It’s getting better, I think;and the days no longerseem so bleak, nor doesemptiness feel so stark. And yet,there are songs I stillcannot listen to,without feelingsomethingbeing stirred,and me getting restless inside,for some reason. Like those that…
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Lullabies at Dawn
(Unfinished…) The night was long and it dragged on. My whole being is exhausted, trying to stay awake, lest the monsters take over. I want some quiet. I want some peace. And soon as the dawn whispered its coming, I heard the lullabies again. And as spent as I am, I’m fighting to stay awake, even for just a tiny bit longer. I’m torn. Maybe a little relieved to know it’s morning soon, yet a…
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9 of 18
The -Ber months had just started and you’d think Christmas is just around the corner. I had wanted for it to be so. I went out to get a little tree, something to remind me of good things, and maybe bring in some lightness. But you were not there to see it. You were locked away in your own misery. Odd that you drag me there unknowingly, because I cared too much, though I shouldn’t have. I thought…
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Healing
This morning, a pastor I follow on social media (and one of our favorite speakers), sent me a message on Facebook. He asked how I was doing and I know I wasn’t lying when I said I’m doing okay. And then he asked if I had any requests he can pray for. And the only thing on my mind was healing. Healing for my family. Healing for everyone. I know, right now, it’s a tall order. Everyone is hurting,…
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TD
I parked in front of the gas station, a bit pissed because of the traffic on my way to work. And my boss kept mixing up schedules again, to which I am right now too tired to get complaining. I need coffee. My blood boils a little, but some caffeine kick might ease the anxiety. Or not. I just need some sort of opium. And only coffee is legal. So begins the night. You’re here. And I don’t know if…
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Gather
There is an end, a destination.To all the heartaches, and all the closed doors and rejections. There is a time to gather the lessons, and then a time to leave behind the world and all its empty sorrows. It might hurt now, and your heart might be feeling abandoned. But He is here, as He’s always been — carrying the weight as He brings you closer to His presence. Just hang on tighter and let your…
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Take A Chance
Take a chance,be still and listen to His voice.Leave the fears for a while,and every anxious thought.Let your heart beatone rhythm at a time;let your worriesbe lifted from your shoulders. Take one step,take a little bit of courageto step out of your shell.No need to worry about tomorrow,and just be here in this moment. Take heart,breathe in the silence,be not scared of being on your own.You can…
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Ever
Time and again, I find myself on that old pattern: beating myself up for not getting things done, and trying so hard to meet the expectations I set for myself. I try to be good and I fail. Then I fall down the rabbit hole because I realize I would never be anything. I will never live up to what I expect. I’ll never be enough. Nothing I do would even be enough. And I weep for the missed chances,…
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Job
I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. Job 42:5 NLT Job found his answers. How I pray for that, too! I have heard about Him, and I thought I had seen Him. But now I know I knew nothing and had seen nothing. All I am had been this illusion I believed. Out of pride. The hurt turned to hatred and to contempt and then I went numb and uncaring. And then pride…
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Resurrection Sunday
Sinful. Fallen. Doomed. Everything I’d do could never be enough; I am nothing but dust, unworthy, condemned and was separated from the source of Life. Yet, He came and lived and was slain for my sake. Nothing could have saved the fallen world, but a Saviour — God’s Chosen. No one could have given the sacrifice He gave — all of it, so we could all be saved. Now I live, through no deed of mine; but…
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Resurrection Sunday
I live today, because of the Cross stained with Blood, of God’s Lamb. Jesus made the sacrifice, and bridged the great divide. Now I live but not through my own; All of this, through His all-consuming Love. My life is redeemed through Grace, and the emty tomb of Christ.
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