we need more of sirius finally breaking up with remus and being free to be a whore with barty🙏
okay here's the thing. sirius actually WANTS to wait. like wolfstar get together kinda young and for obvious reasons i think sirius would be very nervous to trust someone else with his body. and while sirius knows that he's very classically beautiful he has this aversion to sexualising himself. remus is very patient & understanding & would literally never push sirius to do something he doesn't want to do, so wolfstar have this very nonsexual relationship that is making zero progress on that front.
the problem is that sirius kinda needs someone to demonstrate what normal sexuality looks like. enter barty 'corruption kink' crouch jr stage left. whatever the reason for the wolfstar breakup, sirius is spiralingggggg & determined to like. the most harmful things he can think of, & once barty hears the rumor that sirius black is a virgin he is determined to be the one to take it. this is sirius' first time directly confronting the fact that someone wants to fuck him: remus had never been explicit about it so as not to make sirius uncomfortable, but barty quite literally walks up to him and says i'd like to fuck you. sirius is doing everything he can to distance himself from who he was with remus so he does. they (of course) get veryy toxic once they start having sex: sirius lets barty do whatever he wants because he doesn't care very much about himself and because it's one of the only forms of validation he can get, and barty gets off on turning the former virgin into a slut. they have zero boundaries and sirius def does some things he heavily regrets later, but the sex is good.
meanwhile remus is SUFFERING seeing sirius covered in hickeys and in his third detention of the week for getting caught fucking in a classroom. remus ofc thinks it's because sirius didn't trust him, or maybe he's just sad that sirius has let all of his boundaries go, but mostly he feels possessive. he's always wanted to fuck sirius, but seeing someone else do it drives him insane, because it was supposed to be him. personally i do think remus would be running thru gryffindor tower a) because it's his god-given right as a nerd w a huge dick and b) to prove to sirius that he's a man with needs! it very effectively makes sirius feel bad for not 'satisfying' remus when they were together.
the reality of it is sirius didn't want to give remus the power to hurt him by having sex with him, but he really doesn't care if barty does, because the core act of having sex with barty is harming himself, in a way. if/when wolfstar gets back together sirius wouldn't be the same sexually w remus because he respects their relationship and wants to do it in the non-toxic way
hate when i write all the good scenes first and then i have to go back and join them up like why am i writing so many sentences purely about people walking up and down the stairs
James closes his eyes, but it looks like it takes effort to do so. To stop looking at Sirius, looking at him like that. “It’s not that I don't want to. But if I do, I won’t ever… nothing else will ever be like that again, with anyone. I just know it won’t.”
Sirius really does want to cry. But he shouldn’t, because then what will James do? “Oh, Jamie.” He breathes.
“I love you.” James gasps, then. It falls from his mouth, not the first time and not the last, and Sirius knows that he means it.
He means it, too, when he whispers it back. “I love you. More than anyone, James, really.”
In a gesture that’s unbearably close, and yet somehow still not quite reaching where it wants to be, James dips his head and kisses the very corner of Sirius’s mouth. Sirius turns his face, his eyelashes brushing James’s cheeks, and presses his own lips to the warm skin on the bridge of James’s nose.
They go on like that, gentle nothing kisses pressed to one another’s faces, cheeks and jaws and foreheads. Never meeting in the middle, even when James’s hands go to Sirius’s waist and pull him up until they are both on the bed - knees digging into the mattress, both of them backed into the corner. Eventually, they run out of room on the canvases of each other’s faces, but neither of them want to pull away and so they fall together onto the pillows and lay in the middle of his bed, Sirius curled into James’s side. Both of them breathing in unison, pulses in their wrists and throats fluttering against each other’s skin.
“Go to sleep.” Sirius murmurs. He echoes James, on all of those other nights; a calm in his voice that he doesn’t feel.
“The others-”
“Your mum sent them home. James, can I tell you something?”
“Yeah.”
“This is how we are. This is how we can be forever, if you want it. I promise you.”
James’s fingers still, where they had been tracing circles just below Sirius’s ribs. “What about…”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re my best friend.”
He is silent, after that, for a very long time. So long that Sirius is half asleep, lulled by the renewed circling of James’s touch on his skin, when he replies, “I do want it.”
And nothing matters - not that they are sixteen or freshly seventeen, not that the general consensus of such talk would be that they’re just kids who don’t know what they’re talking about. What could matter more than the simple fact that they want it? Who knows more about love than two kids who have known, since they were eleven, the meaning of unconditional? Even before they knew the word, they knew the feeling. They have loved each other all that time, loved just to love. If anyone thought they were weird, then they’d never said anything about it before tonight. Sirius thinks all of this, and realises that he’s always felt it. He just didn’t have to give the feeling words before, because nobody’s ever made him feel like he had to justify it.
James’s favourite song is No Woman, No Cry by Bob Marley. Sirius has always thought it’s the loveliest thing in the world, this first love, first dance sort of song. He always watches when James puts it on the record player and dances up and down his bedroom, makeshift aftershave microphone in one hand - ‘everything’s gonna be alright’, they're both saying - and he can always picture him in twenty years doing the very same thing with a whole family of his own watching, laughing, around the kitchen table or in front of the fireplace.
But James only ever says that the song reminds him of Sirius.
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