Sunscd

✮⋆˙ 17

[sun4everr]

6th November

I am my own worst enemy

I feel like I’m sabotaging everything for myself by feeling dumb and burnt out. I feel like I’m living life from the sidelines right now and for the past two weeks I haven’t felt any emotion except maybe a weird sorrow and anxiety and it stops me from doing literally anything, I hope this is justified but as I feel like this time is passing me by and I have things piling up. I literally didnt study at all today even though my SAT is day after tomorrow and I feel nothing and I’m not even able to do anything.

I feel this is a giant void within me and it feels like I’m filling it and just getting drained out from the bottom I don’t know how to put it. Everything in my life is feeling like white noise at this point, I feel so alone. You know in movies how the character stands still just staring into the camera and everyone else is moving behind them rapidly, I literally feel like that.

I miss my best friend. she doesn’t live in the same apartment as me and I miss talking to her often. Everything didn’t seem so heavy when I did. Shes bust too and so is everyone else i don’t know if it’s wrong for me to want to talk to more people, considering it’s 12th and all it’s not important

But at the same time Im running away from everything: college, friends, parents and even thoughts for me hat matter. I don’t want to deal with anything. I don’t know what I expect myself to do. There’s this class photo things tomorrow in college and Im not going and I don’t even feel bad and that sucks. I don’t have anything to remember these two years by and haven't had a single coming of age teenage experience but whatever I guess I dont know.

Get distracted A LOT for dopamine and some sort of emotion and I just end up mindlessly doing things for hours. I want to get out of this mental state im in because it actually is so draining. thats why I like writing since I get to actually face my fears and its one thing I look forward to in my day. so yeah I hope I dont live tomorrow in 3rd person and I get everything I want done. gn xx

ps, some Tumblr accounts are super weird and have a lot of erotic shit and I hate it sm idk why they're even allowed to be in a space like this it actually makes me mad and sick. Im reporting all of them. Accounts like that are not allowed here!

[sun4everr]

5th nov

The final exam datesheet came out and its later than I expected. I was hoping that it'd be earlier so I could submit my final marks in time for certain application like Australia and Singapore. I haven't told my parents yet about them though and im so worried that it'll be way too expensive but I cant imagine myself in a science college in India because its basically 13th and 14th and maybe with the same brain dead jee science students. I know it's offensive but I just won't survive in a place like that and thats why im SO scared. I could submit my midterms marks but they're not so great. Im really hoping things fall into place and I end up in a place that genuinely makes me happy because I actually deserve it.

Im writing the November SAT which is in 2 days. Im honestly scared that im not that scared. Ive given it two times already and both those times I was barely prepared mostly because I had no guidance but this time ive been preparing somewhat consistently for months and have kind of found a way around the test so I guess theres no reason for me to be too afraid. So yeah I hope I do super well.

ive been bunking school a lot I also went on a small 2 night trip. Theres this revision camp this from next week and I REALLY dont want to go I hope the principal and stuff dont brainwash my parents because it genuinely is such a waste of time cuz im not even that serious about jee. Jee makes me sick in my stomach but thats a topic for another day.

Ive decided that from now the only three things I'll be focusing on are:- 1. studying 2. working out 3. and working internally

Ill be home mostly so its important that I have boundary set, Ive deleted insta too to kind of heal my dopamine receptors. also I love one tree hill so much. Anyway im super sleepy now bye xx

[sun4everr]

28th oct

I hate 12th

This is probably the most scared and angsty ive ever been. In the beginning of 12th it was always like I knew id do something and end up somewhere and at one point I started questioning whether or not ill even end up in a college and if I chose what's best for me. Sometimes people choose something and they have 100% faith in it and they cant imagine doing anything else but thats not the case for me. Ive taken science and im not as good as most people in my grade. I need to put in an exponential amount of additional effort to be on their level and I wasn't ready to face that last year and honestly, a part of this year too. But I studied really hard for midterms and this fact didnt really hit me as a giant realisation. If anything, I was relieved that I'd finally accepted it, like some sort of liberation from wanting to prove myself. But what even is the point if I didnt even know myself in the first place.

The day before my physics exam I cried so much about picking science and it not being the right option for me. I genuinely felt trapped and suffocated. I felt like my entire being was built against learning science lol even though thats probably impossible. But I somehow studies and it was my worst exam.

Ive just come to accept that some people despite studying way less effort than you score more than you and I cant keep feeling bad abt it. I really did my part this time and studied hard even though my marks ended up being mediocre. For all its worth, its definitely increased my confidence in myself. Like I can work hard and achieve my goals and I am capable and disciplined if I put my mind to it- which at one point seemed impossible to.

Is this a turning point? I dont really know but not too long ago I used to think that life is full of 'impossibles' like in my life getting a boyfriend and getting good grades were impossible no matter what. Im trying to let go of that mindset. Anything can happen and thats so much fun to think about.

Time is going by super fast and everything's coming rushing at me but I have some sort of happiness in me that 12th is finally ending and I can finally leave this shit hole called a coaching institute behind in the past for good that served only as a means to meet my best friend and character development. Before I came here I knew I didnt belong everyone was a 95%+ student and I just told myself that I would just detach from everyone and everything and focus on my journey alone but along the way I just couldn't do the course I signed up for and ended up feeling numb all the time, I've had some pretty rough times In the past year and a half and im so glad I know those times are never going to repeat. Every year the times after midterms were rough because I would get my marks and they would have plummeted and I would be depressed through out oct and a part of nov but its not like that this year.

It's different, I got decent marks and my parents didnt go totally ballistic on me and im not super depressed (I was actually but ive gotten over it) Even though my marks are not good as a lot of people in my class it is indeed my journey and for once I dont feel completely numb and helpless. I realise that ive a come a long way and ive improved.

Last year this time was the worst time of my life. I was anxious everyday for a month so anxious that I thought I would die everyday. I also ended up going to therapy. I still feel super anxious before getting marks. so scared like the most scared ive ever felt in my entire life. I bet if u got me to a cliff and told me u would push me off of it I wouldn't be that scared. Last week I prayed to god to take me out in my sleep for 3 days straight and now im sort of okay. It's all so confusing. But its important to remember the struggle to really appreciate the wins and to keep going so yes I'll be writing everyday. thank you

[mortalityplays]

btw you will miss this in 5 or 10 years. memory will smooth these circumstances down like a river stone, and you will find yourself longing for a shade of light or a moment of this particular innocence. you don't know about what happens next, and one day that will be the most alluring thing of all. don't leave it all for nostalgia. have a nice night now, whatever night it happens to be.

[sun4everr]

24th Jan

Kind of a break day didn't study that much since my head was pounding when i came back from college but yeah I did a little bit though. I wish I had more friends in my apartment complex I'm genuinely so bored and I don't want to sit in my room forever and lock myself away and actually want to have real life experiences but whatever was suuuper tired

[sun4everr]

23rd Jan

I bunked school because my parents were not home and they don't know about it. It was to study so it's okay I don't really care tbh and it was nice having the whole house to myself lol. It started off well but then I got bored in between so stopped studying for a while. I didn't get done as much as I wanted to hut almost there. Ill finish of this week's quota by Sunday and I'll grind tomorrow and day after. I forgot to take pictured ugh but I could've made more out of today but it's okay I solved some physics and did a chapter of math and SAT I was soo tired at the end of the day and on my daily 9.30 pm walk Im pretty sure I looked like a walking corpse. I started a new book today though!! Paper towns by John Green pretty basic book but I used to love him in 9th and I really love the feeling that his books exude. Anyway I read a chapter of that and slept.

[sun4everr]

22nd jan

Today was a good day and I started studying early and put in some more time and effort to stay focused. School has been ending early at 3 and I'm honestly so relieved I come home and my room filled with sunlight and I just love napping after closing the curtains and you can see the sunlight peeping through but anyway, yesterday I started studying at 5 and didn't take any naps. I didn't get a lot don't tbh like I just got distracted or zoned out multiple times but atleast I didn't waste all of it! I had SAT class uand I was soo tired after that. I went on a walk and listened to elliot Smith. I came back and tried to study but again, didn't get a lot done. I'm sooo scared for 12th it's going to get so serious and everyone's going to be studying but tbh I lovw competition. It's motivating to a certain extent.

[metamorphesque]

—  Banana Yoshimoto, “Kitchen”

[sun4everr]

i literally cant focus what the hell why is this so hard rn

[sun4everr]

17th jan 25 📚

Im honestly trying to get back into it again. Last year was such a blur i worked really hard in the beginning of 11th and kinda hit a slump when i got overwhlemed i think thats what these coaching institutes do they expect you to have it all figured out and manage but i cant even complain because its become the norm but anyway, i did physics properly today and realised how much i enjoy it and havent sat and properly studied like that in a while. I think one of the worst feelings is when youre trying to recall what u did and how u spent your time in the past and its all just a blur and you dont want to tell yourself you wasted it all. I know a lot of people say they wasted 11th and all of that and even though im not a hardcore JEE aspirant i feel bad because if not studying i couldve been foing something else that fueled me. But its not going to go to waste. Im not done with 11th so ove decided to study from where ive missed atleast the basics and also simultaneously syudy for finals ( which my coaching expects me to magically do well in) but god do i hate memorising. Anyway ill keep updating on here to keep track of me time and keep muself accountable

[body5000-deactivated20180929]

the smell of sleeping with the window open

[sun4everr]

[sun4everr]

⭐ 24th Feb

So messy but I'm feeling good after my first board definitely have gained momentum and am not perplexed by the thought of what to study next. Because my next exam is English I have a pretty good plan. The time before the exam is the most stressful for me because I'm just so confused and angsty.

Good luck to everyone for their boards 🫶

[sun4everr]

Setting myself up for success!

[sun4everr]

16th Feb

I'm back. Need some motivation for boards. Anyone else feeling like they're not doing enough and are seriously slacking because I'm seriously going into a rabbit hole of putting things of and feeling immense guilt and anxiety

[sun4everr]

27th Jan

[classycookiexo]