6th November
I am my own worst enemy
I feel like I’m sabotaging everything for myself by feeling dumb and burnt out. I feel like I’m living life from the sidelines right now and for the past two weeks I haven’t felt any emotion except maybe a weird sorrow and anxiety and it stops me from doing literally anything, I hope this is justified but as I feel like this time is passing me by and I have things piling up. I literally didnt study at all today even though my SAT is day after tomorrow and I feel nothing and I’m not even able to do anything.
I feel this is a giant void within me and it feels like I’m filling it and just getting drained out from the bottom I don’t know how to put it. Everything in my life is feeling like white noise at this point, I feel so alone. You know in movies how the character stands still just staring into the camera and everyone else is moving behind them rapidly, I literally feel like that.
I miss my best friend. she doesn’t live in the same apartment as me and I miss talking to her often. Everything didn’t seem so heavy when I did. Shes bust too and so is everyone else i don’t know if it’s wrong for me to want to talk to more people, considering it’s 12th and all it’s not important
But at the same time Im running away from everything: college, friends, parents and even thoughts for me hat matter. I don’t want to deal with anything. I don’t know what I expect myself to do. There’s this class photo things tomorrow in college and Im not going and I don’t even feel bad and that sucks. I don’t have anything to remember these two years by and haven't had a single coming of age teenage experience but whatever I guess I dont know.
Get distracted A LOT for dopamine and some sort of emotion and I just end up mindlessly doing things for hours. I want to get out of this mental state im in because it actually is so draining. thats why I like writing since I get to actually face my fears and its one thing I look forward to in my day. so yeah I hope I dont live tomorrow in 3rd person and I get everything I want done. gn xx
ps, some Tumblr accounts are super weird and have a lot of erotic shit and I hate it sm idk why they're even allowed to be in a space like this it actually makes me mad and sick. Im reporting all of them. Accounts like that are not allowed here!














