The Orangery

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Guys any requests to write transformative work based on my writing, translations, podfics (as long as it's not AI), and fanart is WHOLLY WELCOME!

I don't mind at all and will be extremely flattered as long as the original work is linked.

I thought to mention and pin the message here if possible and on my AO3 since I may not be able to reply to requests or comments on there all the time.

There was a recent request for translation and I just thought I'll mention it here and on AO3 if possible.

Thanks for your kindness 😭😭❤️

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Started and finished "The Eye" by Nabokov today between teaching classes and you know what.

I get it.

I'd shoot myself in the heart and pretend I've died as a result to escape this hellhole too.

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Getting out of my second job tonight to go to a birthday party two hours away from me, to have cake and get blackout drunk. Liver, you gonna have to buckle up buddy.

The addictive personality really sinking its teeth in me

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Drank enough to pickle my liver and chain-smoked half a Gold Marlboro, then had cake and now I'm driving back to Tehran with a hangover to go to work No. 2

10/10 experience

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Had a cherry Danish pastry at this random ass cafe (as my breakfast, lunch and dinner, yes.) and it tasted stale :((

I'm very particular about food, so I wrote that it tasted stale on a napkin with my eyeliner.

I wonder what the poor waiter will think

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Getting out of my second job tonight to go to a birthday party two hours away from me, to have cake and get blackout drunk. Liver, you gonna have to buckle up buddy.

The addictive personality really sinking its teeth in me

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

5k into the third chapter of my dissertation. I don't expect it to be longer than 8k. Honestly surprised I can still write so much with two jobs and during a mental breakdown 💖

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Right before I die, I'd like to imagine myself in a timeless nook in Edinburgh just reading my books while it rains outside.

I'd like to think the image will get stuck after, it'll linger. Just me and my little books and Edinburgh.

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Here i am, ladies and gentlemen; two degrees from one of the top three universities in Iran (arguably the middle east) + seven years of specialized work experience on my back and being an RA and now I'm wiping a kid's ass.

I cried in the Uber back home today, every day I feel like they're taking me to the gallows, my mind is so muddled all the time and this child keeps either advertently or inadvertently triggering me, (kept calling me a gorilla today. No, I don't look like one, nor have the body shape to resemble one). Her entire privileged childhood is a mockery of the shit I went thru. I look at the sheer amount of things she has, the people at her feet, and think about myself and all the beatings, or how my 'Mother' threw out all my books and toys and then fucking hitting me with a Hoover's cord (yes) because I cried about it.

The kid's Dad shouted at me today for being "loud", the mother called me "soft" for getting upset. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of collapse from all the abuse and the nonstop pile of shit.

How much louder do I need to scream at the world that I need to be saved? No one is there tho, I KNOW that. Ofc I do.

Still.

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Don't fucking know. Maybe I wasn't built for this life

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

The maid at this kid's house walks in on me shedding silent tears (the kid was still asleep, I was sitting in her play room) and sniffing into a tissue and asks whether I have a cold.

No sweetheart, I've just never cried aloud a day in my life since I hit the age four.

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Drinking on anxiety meds and smoking bc life isn't worth preserving that much. Once I get off my second job that is.

Four more hours. Been working since eight am.

Then after my hangover, correcting hw for my first job 💅

[meanbuddhist]

just identified a behavioral pattern within myself

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Sometimes I'd read in the news about some Japanese people dying from overworking and I'd low-key be like, "that's so stupid."

But you know what. I get it.

Saturday to Thursday job number two till eight.

Fridays nine to nine job number one.

And I still have to finish my dissertation and live in a collapsed society and the threat of constant war or worse, no wars whatsoever.

Fun

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

The universe should either take me or take me out. I want off this plane. Throwing in the towel. We're done.

Fucking three year old (who i have to babysit for money with two degrees yes) looked me dead in the face today in the middle of playing "Baby" and she tells me:

"you're a horrible mother."

And she literally then hit my face with a fucking toy or sth. Like threw it at me.

A horrible mother. Little brat has no fucking idea about horrible mothers. How it feels to be forcibly held under scorching water and have your hair pulled while being called names and humiliated and get beaten with a vacuum cord or metal ruler or have your favorite toys or books taken away when you were asleep. She has no idea what it's like to constantly be under emotional durress. Raked with nails or left with bruises or words like, "I'm gonna put you in the grave" while getting the shit kicked out of her. She didn't learn how to cry silently or never cry at all lest she got beaten for crying in the first place. She didn't have to go to a dozen doctors after two decades of constant abuse literally triggered an autoimmune condition that will NEVER go away.

She doesn't know what a horrible mother is. I do. But she called me that, and hit me in the face with a toy and I cried on the way home, because for that single moment, I felt like I was my own horrible mother.

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Am I on god's shit list. Is this personal, old man of the old testament? 'cause I ain't got any beef with u (as you don't exist). But still.

One has to wonder

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Vent, ignore if you wanna:

My HB's friend died of cancer last night. And me and my guy friend are extremely close, so I got worried when he didn't call last night. (He calls twice a day)

I finally call him, he declines the call and texts that he just found out his friend who had stage four stomach cancer is dead (even tho he had two more months to live apparently).

I found out right before stepping into my third job interview of the week. I have another test run tomorrow. Three jobs and a dissertation.

And at times like these, I truly want, from the bottom of my heart for there to be a cosmic turn in the universe. Sth good needs to happen to us. For once.

I need to be taken care of, in my grown old age of 24. I feel so broken and fragile and just done.

He texted me that his friend is dead, I was on the doorstep of the interview office, I looked down at my phone, and felt sth thin and tremulous just give in, in my chest.

Then I just pocketed my phone, wiped my face and stepped in with a smile bc I don't have the money to grieve or rest or lay my head on anyone's shoulder.

And now today, I just finished teaching after five hours, and it's just me and my thoughts and my new potential full time job tomorrow from 9-6. I hate this.

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

I don't think I've ever been at a more indecisive stage of my life. Some mornings I wake up fine and do my job, and don't think about anything. My friends check on me too frequently maybe because they know I'm too prone to falling apart.

And then I wake up some other days and before I even open my eyes, I see my friends' corpses, those who've been killed, the body bags, the number 30 thousand. And the new executions. Or I go to the store and realize everything is so expensive now that I can't even afford it after a decade of working and saving nonstop.

One day there's war, and two hours later they're making a deal. It's like my life has turned into a Samuel Beckett play. Waiting for Godot but Godot never comes. I've become the Schrodinger's cat.

Any happiness I gain, any achievement lasts less than a minute. I dunno what to do with it. With myself that is

[sunflowerbuglooooo]

Of all days to have a work-related breakdown.

Damn my life is really shitty huh