mara here, it's been a while.
i want to preface this post by foremost apologising for the scare i'd given everyone about half a year ago (it startles me that it's already been this long) - i've deleted both posts pertaining to it - both the note itself, and the post i made saying i had survived and was in recovery - because i'd rather not have the direct reminder of my most vulnerable moment out on the internet for all to see permanently,,, but i cannot pretend it did not happen. i cannot pretend that regardless of what i was feeling, what was going on behind the scenes, it was (at best) incredibly irresponsible to send a suicide note to the general public. i can acknowledge that this wasn't my fault, per se, while also apologising to those who had to see it, those who have worried about me, those whom i've inadvertently hurt. i'm sorry, and i sincerely thank you for caring. though i have no intention of going into my personal life, i will repeat that i am still in recovery and doing much better.
with that out of the way (and i feel the need to clarify that this second part has little to no relation to the part above), i cannot promise that i will be returning to the utmv fandom for a very long time, if ever. it is bittersweet - this fandom has raised me since i was eleven years old; i owe it my life, if not more - but i cannot continue on for my own health.
i have seen too much, i have had too much done to me. between the spring of 2023 and now, the last day of 2025, i have experienced too much. i've been involved in about 30 different "situations" (situations i shouldn't have been involved in at all, considering i was 14-16, and i hold the adults around me at the time in resentment for it), i know too much about very, very many people here - people considered pillars of this community - and i will not name any names or provide any details, because i have no desire for my health and stability to be razed down by online drama again when i've only just begun healing, but knowing what i know i simply cannot come back to this community in comfort right now. it makes me sick.
maybe i will return. maybe i will not. if i do, it will not be for a very long time, so count this as a goodbye regardless.
i have no intention on ever making any of what happened in those three years public, simply because i am so tired and i doubt the majority of these people are in a position to victimise anyone else, so if anyone i have history with is reading this: rest assured that i have no intention of making your names or actions public knowledge. go on with your lives in peace, because all i wish for at this moment is to build a life for myself as far away from yours as possible. i do not want revenge or a public harassment campaign against you. most of you do not deserve my courtesy after what you have done to me, but because i cared for you once, i wish you as much good as you deserve. all i ask is to be left alone.
additionally, this has been building for a while but i am saying it with finality now: i have no desire to associate further with "proshipping" or anything relating to it. i have been traumatised and put at risk too many times by people much older than me claiming that they were different from others who have hurt me. i have had my boundaries crossed one too many times by too many different people. i should not have been in the position i was in at 14-16, surrounded by and interacting with the people that i was. it is not normal to - i am being very personal for a moment - to have been groomed by three separate people within two years, and i wholeheartedly believe that at least two of those three instances could have been entirely avoided if i was never involved in the spaces i was. some things should not have a "community", much less one so easily accessible by children - and i can be criticised for being in places i shouldn't be as a child, yes, but so can (and should) the people much older than me who welcomed me with open arms. there is too much risk in such a "community", i have experienced too much when i did not know better. i know better now; i am not taking that risk anymore. additionally, personal traumas and vulnerabilities aside: though i have never been a "proshipper" or partaken in the activities related to it myself, i have been yanked into so much drama surrounding it in the name of solidarity with manipulative "friends" much older than me regardless of my own traumas: i am growing up now, i am building a life in the real world. i cannot be involved in such childish and chronically online discourse forever. it is not worth it. the things i previously supported disgust me. i am tired, and i am done.
but enough negativity - i am doing better, day by day. it will take me a long time to heal from everything i've been through (and truly, what has happened online is very small in comparison to what i've had to deal with in real life, though i will not give any details of that either) - but i have been making an effort to get better and very slowly things are finally beginning to look up for me despite what i am still dealing with. small victories; i have not wanted to hurt myself since october and (though i cannot give details on this either) am trying my best to win out against drug addiction - i have been clean for two months and sober for three weeks (nearly a month!), so far. i turned 17 back in november - i had a lovely time, by the way, with those closest to me. i've gotten close to my siblings again after nearly a year of mutual... isolation, i suppose, and i trust them with my whole heart. i passed all my exams. i've started going out with friends from school on the weekends and it is nice to have physical, tangible people to be close to again. i've started making music again, and i've slowly begun trying to draw again after being too burnt out to all year, back late in november - i joined a new fandom, even! i have people who care for me deeply, both online and offline - and for the first time in years i have many friends who are MY age and not nearly a decade older than me HAHA (something i very direly needed). and through it all i have had my partners of three years now - my soulmates - supporting me, and i would not trade them for anything. im not going to list out everyone close to me who's helped me stay afloat this year like i did the last ; i don't need to. you know who you are and i love you.
all in all, i'd say things are going okay for me now; even if it's a very shaky start, it is a start.
this seems like a very cliche statement, but it is important to me: i would not be here, experiencing these new joys, if i had succeeded in ending my life in july. i am eternally grateful that i did not succeed, even with the trauma of what led to it and the separate trauma of how i survived and the aftermath. i am... so tired, still, and i worry i will never be fully okay - but the kind of rest that i need, and the rest i am embracing, is not the rest of death, but a soft, peaceful life. i am still very young and learning how to live; i am grateful that i can keep living.
ending your life is never the answer, it's never an option.
i'm not entirely absent from being online, either - i have very recently (late november) begun trying to rebuild (and perhaps i should have made this post since then, but admittedly i've been... anxious about opening this account again); i joined a new fandom and have new socials* now, if anyone is curious on what's going on with me in the future. all i ask is that i am afforded patience and kindness, and i thank you all for all of such that i have been afforded so far. if this post is goodbye, that is alright; i am grateful that you stayed with me this long. if it isn't, and you'll follow me to my new places on the internet, thank you; you are very appreciated.
*my twitter | my tumblr
the position i'm at in this point in time is very far from where i wanted to be same time last year, but i am thankful for where i am - even if i wouldn't have wanted this a year ago, it is for the better. things are better than they were last january - i am better, and things will be okay after all.
it's 5 hours until the new year where i am. i have things to do still, so i'll end this post off here.
merry christmas, happy new year, and thank you all from the bottom of my heart for everything. ☆