Sunny Breezy Quiet

A chronic worrier with OCD tendencies attempts to changes her ways and find a way to let it all go.

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Currently...

Currently, I am the advocate for my Dad. A man that I feel like I never really knew. A father that provided the best he could, but was never quit what I needed. And now, I will never really know who he is, or know what made him who...who he was. Because currently, there is something inside of him that is eating away at his mind, his memories, his essence. 

Currently, I am the spokesperson for my mom. A woman that has been living with MS for 24 years. However, she has never been a woman that manages stress well. She is easily overwhelmed. She has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. I am not sure what or who failed her; but currently, I am trying to offer her a grace and a guidance that she may have never experienced before. 

Currently, I am the mom to my two kids that need help with their special needs.They are amazing and fantastic little people. They have big hearts with even bigger ideas...yet, they struggle to handle regular life. Perhaps they have been failed...by me. Yet, I have tried so hard. But currently, there is something big happening that I must give so much of myself to, and I realize it is basically impossible for them to understand.

Currently, I am the one who normally keeps it all together for everyone else, but is in desperate need of someone to keep me together. Asking for help is hard when you are the one who steps up to give help without being asked. Asking for help is hard when people reply with opinions that are inappropriate to a point of rudeness. Asking for help and getting terms of conditions instead, makes asking seems worthless. Currently, I feel is worthless...my efforts feel worthless 

Currently, I am grappling with the loss of sister who is not gone from this world, but has left my life. What do you do when you have to face the fact that “your person” is no longer your person??? Maybe they never were your person to begin with??? Currently, I am navigating life without that person. 

Currently, I am standing alone....Braving the wilderness. 

Currently, I am not sure I can survive. 

[sunnybreezyquiet]

contemplate abundance

I realize that we are already half way thru February, and this post shows how behind I am (at least in this format),but I wanted to share more about my New Year word meditation. In addition to having a word for the 2018 year (I chose abundance), I am also picking a word for each month. For the month of January my word choice was contemplate. I wanted to contemplate abundance: what does abundance mean to me? is abundance achievable? how could I go about achieving abundance (financial or otherwise)? do I already have an abundance? 

Abundance by definition (from dictionary.com) is: 1.an extremely plentiful or over-sufficient quantity or supply  2. over flowing fullness  3. affluence; wealth.

To answer in a board stroke way, I am clearly already abundant (#firstworldproblems). We live a beautiful home, we are healthy, we do not need anything, and most wants go answered. Abundance lives here! 

But abundance by the third definition from dictionary.com??? Not really. We have money to pay bills and live a good life, but not much left over for savings (like most Americans). I needed to contemplate abundance in term of money and our financial situation, as well as, financial goals: what power does money and money related concerns have on me? how could I change it from power over me to making my money powerful? how has our finances changed over the years? what have we done well? where could we have done better? how would I like our finances to be moving forward? what are the obstacles keeping me from our financial goals? what are the specific emotional elements related to money that get me off track?

Many times I found myself being very overwhelmed by this month long task I created for myself. So many questions with complicated, and often times, very emotional/soul shifting answers. Writing out my answers and thoughts really helped to ease the stress, and break through bullshit to hit truth. 

The truth is I had way more emotional baggage with money than I expected. I don’t enjoy talking about it; such a taboo topic. I don’t want to appear greedy or stuck up. What I learned is that wanting financial security is not greedy. It is responsible, and will create a confident financial self. In fact, I already feel more confident about making good financial decisions (i.e. 2017 tax prep). 

It was totally worth all the effort. I feel like it was a great way to spend the first month of the year: setting myself up mind, body, and soul for the long term journey ahead. Having those answers towards money and about money has kept me from making the same mistakes as the past; to stay focused. 

Speaking of focus... Focus is my word for February. I am focusing on abundance. (More on that later.)

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Jan-NEW-ary/ New Word Year

So here we are on the 26th day of the longest month of the year... why does January feel so long? Maybe it is because we are smack in the middle of winter’s sleep, or maybe, it is because it is the beginning of a new year, and we are supposed to be resolute in bettering ourselves? Either way, it is dragging ass. 

A few years ago at a church function we were asked to pick a word for what we wanted to focus on in the new year. I really liked the simplicity of it, and yet, it is so diverse in its intention. I adopted this spiritual practice into my life, but as things usually goes, it ended.

Then this past fall I read an email ad from an art studio that said “As the excitement of October fades into the comfort of November...” The excitement of October.... Comfort of November.... Ah, a descriptive word for the month! It filled my heart with joy. I love the flux of seasons, of life, but it can take its toll on me emotionally. I do find fall so exciting, and October is the sweet spot of fall so it is fitting to say “the excitement of October.” November brings on even cooler temperatures and the celebration of thanksgiving...a comforting holiday eating comfort foods. It made me wonder what to say about December??? I finally decided on MAGIC. The sparkly lights, colorful decorations, and all the gifts... it does seem pretty darn magical.

The thoughts of these words: excitement, comfort, magic- helped me sit in the moment of each month; welcome the changes that came, and be grateful for what was experienced. 

Maybe it was time for me to practice this again? What word should I pick? Should I have one monthly or one for the year or both?

I will be 37 years old this year, and I still don’t feel like a real adult. Can any one else relate? I have a husband, two kids and a dog. Along with bills to pay, and plenty of other adult-y responsibilities. Yet, I still don’t feel like I am doing the right adult thing. Is there a right way to be an adult? Don’t answer that; I don’t want to know. 

One big reason I don’t feel all grown up is because of money. With both my parents now retired and living with chronic illnesses, I worry about their financial security for the foreseeable future. Do they have enough to cover their expenses? What about if they need more care, can they afford that? 

Naturally, I begin to wonder about mine and my husband’s retirement. He has been a prudent saver for retirement since beginning his job, but he would admit he does not have a good grasp for money management beyond a 401K. And even though I manage our accounts, I don't have the first clue as to what I am doing right or wrong. The bills get paid and I try to save, but I feel like it could and should be better. 

Our biggest problem is debt- like the rest of America. We go into debt. we pay it off. We go into debt. We pay it off. blah, blah, blah. How do we end this cycle? 

Cue Worth It by Amanda Steinberg. Everyone in the USA needs to read this book! It helped me identify my emotional ties with money. I knew I had them, but not to the extent, nor did I have a name for them. She knows, and has a plan to help. Her approach is judgement free, encouraging, and do able. 

Resolutions for the new year usually don’t amuse me, but this year I am resolving to truly change my emotional money matters. Money diets have a much longer game than food diets for noticeable changes which can make it very hard. But Amanda says that is okay, and it is okay if we get off track a minute of two, too. No judgement and no pity parties!

Which brings me back to my one word for the year: Abundance. Obviously, I would like to have an abundance of cash, but that is not going to happen. But I do already have an abundance of so much already. I have enough to cover my needs and a few nice wants, and I have so much stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. I do not need more stuff. 

One of the many things I learned from Worth It is is having more stuff more important that financial freedom or security? The answer 99% of the time, no. And I walk away empty handed and money still in my pocket. It is a great idea that can be applied in numerous ways; like, is following this current trend more important than financial freedom or security? NO. 

Abundance. I have enough. I am enough. I am abundant. 

[seasonsofwinterberry]

Winterberry….

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Relationships are hard, but worth the heartbreak and the love

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Christmas is coming...

Christmas is almost upon us...Only 5 nights remain between us and Christmas morning. I have always found the anticipation of Christmas to be far more enjoyable than Christmas day. Obviously, Christmas morning was meet with great excitement and joy with the gifts from Santa, but then the remainder of the day was rather flat. Actually, it was beyond flat, it was depressing. No effort what so ever was made to savor the last few moments of Christmas magic, or actually, to kick off the 12 days of Christmas. We all know the song, right? Twelve days of Christmas? Why don’t we celebrate the 12 days; which, in fact, are the 12 days following Christmas. It is religious, too. Not that I consume myself in religious protocol, but for a country that feels that there is a war on Christmas...why aren't we jumping on the good parts of religion? Let the spirit of Christmas wash over you. Swim in the warmth and goodness of togetherness. Let us all celebrate humanity. Believe in the goodness of humankind; continue to reach out and share our gifts with those who need it. Yet, we immediately turn into “new year- new you”! Although many set their trees up in early November with great expectation, the same folks tend to race to get the beloved tree down first. 

A few years ago, I was introduced to celebrating Winter Solstice. While I had knowledge of the longest day and shortest days of the year, I didn’t truly recognize the traditional aspects of solstice celebrations. I have long suffered from seasonal effective depression, but I have found that acknowledging these natural rhythmic changes in the world help relieve the effects of the seasonal changes. Honestly, I enjoy the changing of seasons. I really appreciate the cyclical and predictable changes our beautiful planet shares with us throughout the year. I view these transformations as an opportunity for self reflection. To stop and review our grievances and identify our spiritual needs; allow ourselves to mimic nature in order to heal and grow our souls. 

[sunnybreezyquiet]

I am fearful of putting words to my pain. Will it bring more pain? Will it give the pain an uncontrollable sway? 

I am fearful of putting words to my pain. Will it mean the pain cannot be healed? Will it mean enduring pain as long as the words remain?

I am fearful of putting words to my pain. How can I share what I really feel without cause? Is there such a instance when consequences are not at play?

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Take a pause

As a Mom, I spend a great deal of time trying to do right by children: be a strong guiding force, yet not overbearing. This is exhausting work. They are still so young with so much to figure out. But I, too, am still figuring out so much. Failures, miss steps, and disappointments are a guarantee in life so we cannot fret for long over them. The question then is: How do we nurture our human-ness for the betterment of our selfs and not the detriment? 

When we make mistakes, or worry over making a future mistake, feelings of embarrassment, shame, fear, and/or anger may rise up inside of us. What do you do with that? Sometimes I take it out on my house. I clean the shit out of my house. Every room. Every corner. From top to bottom. It accomplishes so much. Obviously, the house gets clean. But, so does my mind. My ruminating mind can be satisfied for a bit which allows for a clearer perspective. The body also becomes well pleased with worked muscles and increased heart rate. Mind and body come together in a place of contentment.

Other coping mechanisms help me pause life’s stresses too. I read a book by Ann Lamott this summer (forgive me, I don’t recall exactly which one it was), and she repeated many times about having a glass of water or cup of tea. Since  summers in Virginia are hot and humid, and I have a puppy who is energetic regardless of the temperature, I found myself going for many cups of ice cold water. I would sit so still at the dinning room table feeling the cold glass against my warm hands. Then, allow the water to fill my mouth and notice the cooling effects of its greatness as it flows down my sweaty, exhausted body, in between my pounding heart and panting lungs. I quickly came to realize that this was like a spiritual experience. My ruminating mind settled into contentment once again as I focused on the sensations of the cold water. I have no doubt that the same will be true with cups of tea as the seasons change into chiller temperatures. 

I pause for the betterment of myself, and those around me. A pause to help prevent detriment. Pause, to make good choices with perspective, empathy, and love. 

My prayer is that I can not only model this behavior, but teach it as well. Our children are learning, growing, processing so much everyday. It can all seem so overwhelming, never ending, for both the parents and the kids. As parents we find ourselves repeating directions/corrections/commands over and over again. Are they listening? Will they ever listen? Maybe? But the need to repeat does not automatically mean we, or they, are failing. It all takes time. And a great deal of patience. 

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Life of Meaning

I became a stay at home nearly 8 years ago. The decision was not made lightly, but once it was made, I was at peace. Infants and toddlers keep you busy and tired, but I was beyond happy, I was content.  Life, my life, felt meaningful.

Now, we are a few days away from both of my children going to school. I am anxious for what this new phase of life will be like, for them and me. To have a quiet moment, or three, while they are off learning, socializing, and playing seems like a dream. A time for this mom to really work thru the mean reds and find some zen. But I have already been battling a restless demon. It turns inside my stomach and whirls away in my mind. Should I return to work?

I would love to bring in some extra income to our family. I would love to challenge myself in a way that I haven’t for some time. I would love to have something that is just for me. But how? And what?

I have a degree in nursing (along with an expired license). I know many a nurses who leave the profession for long periods of time and make a return. It is possible. But I am not so sure that a career in nursing is what I want to do? It is a high stress, physically demanding job. When I picked nursing as a profession all those years ago the things that appealed to me were the schedule, the public approval of nurses (a very respectable thing to do), and the challenge. I loved being a nurse. When all the BS of healthcare is stripped away, nursing is a kickass, super rewarding profession. But the BS of healthcare has grown exponentially, and shows no promise for improvement. 

Ok, you say, then don’t abandon it; change it. Which leads me to my next thing...

I am aslo very frustrated with our education system. We have learned so much about childhood development, and we, as a whole, are beginning to recognize the importance of early intervention; however, access to services is limited. In conjunction with that there seems to be a lack of urgency to change the way we teach are kids based on this new found knowledge because change makes us uncomfortable. Ugh! Well, in the mean time, our kids are uncomfortable and struggling.

Feeling inspired by all the things I have learned about childhood development via raising my own kids, I began working with children. I loved it, too. They have an energy and light that is unmatched. They are eager to learn and be nurtured by you. Such satisfying work. Unfortunately, my husband was transferred and I gave up that work when we moved. 

I have considered returning back to it, but will that passion remain? Was it only important to me because I was already doing it with and for my kids? I was shocked that what I was learning about sensory integration, free play, and socialization wasn’t being discussed at every pediatrician’s appointment or on every morning news program that I took charge and began eagerly sharing it with whom ever would listen. 

I have thought heavily about a career in religion. Reverend Mc. Sounds good! Sharing my thoughts on faith, listening to others’ share their story, ponder the answers to life’s big questions...who wouldn’t want that job?

Then the really practical side of myself finds great interest in law. If I had to do it all of again, I would go to law school. My teenage self had no idea how verse a degree in law could be (with a law degree I could help healthcare and education), nor did I believe that I could actually become a lawyer. Become a lawyer??? That is reserved for super genius rich kids, not me. My husband thinks I would have made a good lawyer, and suggested that I look into becoming a paralegal. Hhmm...that is a thought???

Just like all my other ideas I looked into programs, requirements, and cost. Ultimately, cost wins out. We paid off student loan debts years ago, and I can’t even bring myself to even consider taking that back on. Along with cost there are other factors; mainly, childcare. My husband has a great job, but with very demanding and unpredictable hours. He travels for work too, and sometimes those trips are planned very short notice. It is very unlikely to find a job that would work so flexibly around school schedules and what not. 

Maybe I am painting the workforce out too harshly? Maybe a passionate, flexibly, well paying job is out there waiting for me? BUT, then we will relocate again; because that is just how my husband’s job is. 

Feeling down about this realization, I get on FB. Thankfully, the universe knew I needed a pick me up. Glennon Doyle had recently posted. The official quote take away was: “Don’t become so concerned with creating a life of meaning that you forget you already have one.” BAM! Nailed It!

I already have a life of meaning. I don’t need to go back to school, into the workforce, or reinvent myself in such a way to create meaning. What I do everyday within side my house is meaningful for me and my family. I am meaningful to my children, my husband. I am living a meaningful life when I walk the dog; I speak to my neighbors with a warm smile and an open heart. I am living a meaningful life by paying close attention to the world around me. I don’t need a “job” or a degree for myself in order to have a meaningful life. I am meaningful to myself. I am meaningful. 

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Hank Boomhower

Today I said good-bye to my 13 year old min pin, Hank Boomhower. He was not your typical dog; he acted more like a cat. Hank enjoyed being left alone in his bed with a blanket covering his entire body. He was not a lap dog. He did not greet you when you returned home. He did not play with toys. He, also, didn’t really like any one but me. Other people found themselves on the other side of his angry growl and teeth ready to snap. It was just how he was and who he was. Daisy was the sweet one, and Hank was the mean one. But he was mine, so he was loved no matter what. 

The appointment today was scheduled last week so I knew it was coming; however, up until yesterday I ignored all emotions regarding the matter. Yesterday, we passively spent time together. You see, Hank’s crankiness was what ended his life. He had become so cranky, so aggressive, and so unpredictable that he was no longer safe to be around others, especially my children. While normally if you left him alone then he left you alone. But recently he was bothered by anything and everything around him. He would be sleeping and then suddenly awaken and charge after the kids. So for his final day, I had to just take him as he came to me. I couldn’t hold him affectionally, or pet him while he slept. It wasn’t until his body was rid of the pain that I could hold him tenderly. 

I hope that he has found some comfort where he is now. That he can enjoy the place he resides now. Maybe, he will get to ride around on a never ending car ride; he would love that.

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Believe Them

When people show you who they are, believe them. ~Maya Angelou

Such wise words. 

It is human nature to pass judgement upon others, especially when meeting someone new. As we get to know people, they reveal themselves to us. What they reveal may leave you fulfilled or deflated. Both feelings could inspire you to spend more time with this person in an attempt to learn more of why this person is the way they are. (While people are not always kind, they are interesting. Everyone has a story to tell.) Or, it could be, because we feel pressure to keep giving people the benefit of the doubt. But if you are uncomfortable or hurt by someone, why continue to give that person your space and time; especially, if you begin to change yourself in an attempt to change the offender. 

Perhaps it is age, but I find myself less interested in giving people the benefit of the doubt. It has become easier to see (and trust) what people show me. Many times it is our own lack of self confidence that we don’t trust what others show us. I have also worried what others might think of me. Will they call me cold, rude, or bitchy? The reality is that it does not matter what they think of me. If they are who they show me to be, then they are far too concerned for their own self to truly care for my inherent worth and dignity. For all parties involved, life is too beautiful and complex to get wrapped up in these kinds of worries. 

On the other hand, there maybe times when writing someone off is more difficult. Perhaps it is someone you have known for a long time, or a relative. For some, family is sacred, untouchable, unbreakable. But for many, more than we probably realize, family is the root of our pain. We wonder why our parents didn’t/don’t follow the “family is sacred” narrative. Why do our parents choose to not show unconditional love and support to us? Our on worthiness is questioned. A self doubt is born, along with a sensational desire to be accepted. The heartache and insecurities of that relationship bleeds into all future relationships. 

It has taken decades to trust what my parents have shown me. While estranging myself from them completely might temporarily create peace, I believe it would slowly eat away at me over time. Just knowing that their pain is not because of me, but due to their own unaddressed emotional needs has helped. Trusting that when they are exhibiting selfish behavior, it is because they are egocentric. Trusting that when they inflict hurt on me, it is because they are hurting. Trusting that it is them, and not me. 

[sunnybreezyquiet]

I can feel my self drifting. Out all alone. The darkness is consuming me. I look around and see a lifesaver. It is within reach. But do I make the effort to grab it. Or do I continue to drift. Into the darkness. 

[sunnybreezyquiet]

wordless

There is a burning desire inside of me... write, but what??? 

Usually, this desire comes when something is gnawing at my soul. I feel distant and sad (perhaps even depressed), but I can’t figure out the source of it. These feelings, along with an absence of origin, fuel the longing to express something that has no words. What is one to do when a desire to write is halted by being wordless?

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Faith in Worthiness

Thoughts regarding worthiness have been occupying my mind recently. I wonder what is worthiness? How does one come to have it? How does one come to find it?

I think for most, like myself, we are guilty of finding worthiness in things (titles, positions, jobs, possessions, people, etc...). But that does not equate to worthiness. The truth is, we are all inherently worthy. We have to find it through having faith in ourselves. Faith that we are deserving of love and respect.

The idea of having faith in myself is a new concept. Sure I know that one needs some self confidence to take on life's challenges....And that faith and confidence are synonyms...Yet, somehow by saying I need to have faith in myself, rather than have confidence, I feel an internal strength and courage. 

I have faith that despite my mistakes, I am worthy. I have faith that despite my past, I am worthy. I have faith that despite what I am lacking, I am worthy.

I have faith in my own worthiness.

[sunnybreezyquiet]

And....ACTION!

Last year was by far a transformative year! I transformed emotional and spiritually, and physically too (I lost 25lbs on Weight Watchers- GO ME!). I changed and grew at a fairly fast rate. In fact, I remember wishing it would all slow down a little so I could properly digest it.

The year had kicked off with my husband's job transferring him on a temporary assignment two-thousand miles from home. Our daughter was just diagnosed with developmental delays and beginning services for it; so we felt the best thing to do was for him to go while the kids and I stayed home. We felt good about the decision we made. We went into with confidence that we were doing the right thing, and that it was only temporary. Well...it ended up being harder on everyone than we imagined. 

The start of my spiritual journey began with the evaluation process of my daughter's development. It was beyond brutal...beyond heartbreaking...beyond the totalities of the worst in my life. I would not wish that experience on anyone! I was already struggling when my husband was transferred. So when he left, it was all compounded with more heartbreak. 

With all that said, I would not change a thing! I look back on last year as a good year for me. It seems weird considering how it all happened, but how could I not be happy with the beautiful change that happened. My soul seemed to grow... I finally figured out how to let my soul shine from within and radiate out like the great big Sun in the sky shining it's mighty light down on us. So bright, you can't help but acknowledge it! What a great feeling that is!

My problem has been 1.) How to maintain that shine? 2.) Where do I go from here? I entered into this year with much anxiety... I was afraid of what was going to happen since so much had happened the year before. I was anxious about what to do with all this new found knowledge. I was afraid that everything I had learned was really all just crap and that all that crap would just pour down on me this year.

What I've realized over the past couple of months is that it is time for me to put all those lessons, all that wisdom into action. And I've learned that that Action doesn't have to be big. I don't have to set out and end world hunger, but I can help end hunger in my town. I've learned that I am not going to wake up everyday and be zen--- I have to practice zen in each and every day (Hard to do when you are a mother of a 4 year old and and a 2 year old). Most importantly, I've learned the value of just being in the place where you are. Last year I learned to just lean into the messy-ness of life and emotions, and the same is true for the good or even the not bad parts of life. 

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Winning the Mental Marathon

Does your mind run on overdrive constantly? Mine does. I find it annoying sometimes. While these constant thoughts have brought about life changing revalations regarding life, love and spirituality; they often can be riddled with nothing but self doubt. It doesn't take much doubt to begin a downward spiral of self loathing. 

As a stay at home mom to two young children, I rarely have time to myself to really sit in solitude, and determine the root of the thoughts or to really think them through. If, by chance, I do get a moment to myself, I feel as though I should be doing something far more productive than sitting down to sort out my thoughts. 

Sometimes my thoughts seem to haunt me. Unable to shake them and failing to be distracted from them, I carry them with me throughout my day. My mood is heavily effected by these relentless ghosts. I act out in regrettable behavior which only deepens the self loathing. 

Only a few short years ago, I would have allowed myself to perpetuate this negative self destructive behavior. But since having experienced the spiritual shift and realizing a portion of my potential, things are different. The shift alone causes a difference. I have learned many lessons, but had gotten to a point of 'what now?'. The answer: put the lessons into action. Practice gratitude...Practice forgiveness...Practice acceptance and tolerance...of myself. I am my worst enemy, and it is time I started being a little kinder and more loving to myself.

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Goodbye to you...

Goodbye to you...the friend I thought I knew

Goodbye to you...it seems that we are threw

Goodbye to you...with your words of ignorance and hate

Goodbye to you...your actions have set you fate

Goodbye to you...I no longer want to play

Goodbye to you...we've nothing more to say

[sunnybreezyquiet]

Regaining consciousness

In nursing school I was taught to recognize signs of consciousness…is the patient alert?...Oriented?…Responsive?... If so, then they are conscious. If not, then they are considered to be unconscious. Patients that are considered unconscious require life-sustaining intervention until a state of consciousness is regained. But, it seems as though there is a broader, spiritual, definition of consciousness.

It is not hard to find people that would be considered conscious by medical definition, but are living in an unconscious space. Their day-to-day routine has become robotic, almost involuntary. They wake, dress themselves for the day and claim their place in line for the commute to work and workplace grind. Since they are unconscious, they may not have realized that the coffee pot had been left on, or heard an important reminder from their spouse, or failed to acknowledge their young child prior to departing from their home. Even the commute to work for the unconscious is pre-occupied with checking email, making phone calls or responding to texts. The mind of the unconscious is always preoccupied with something/someone they consider to be far more important…their ego.

All humans are equipped with an ego, but the unconscious is oblivious to the existence of it. Those of consciousness still have an ego, but are aware of its existence, and work at keeping it in check. Our egos purpose is to distract from what is real, what is truly important and inhibit one’s highest potential.

Large egos don’t always mean that someone is conceited. The familiar phase ‘big ego’ refers to one with an inflated sense of self. (In the South, we call it being too big for their britches.) But the truth is a big ego can also be an ego that has deflated one’s self to the point of despair. Regardless of if ego has elevated your sense of self to a high horse or pushed you into a dark pit; it is large, in charge and destructive. It can be so hard to realize that ego is dictating your life, but once you do, life becomes simple and blissful. Wounds that would never heal begin to fade and hurt less. Life will still present challenges, but it will not knock you down like it has in the past. You begin to realize that there is something deep inside you that is powerful and magical… something that can (and will) overcome any adversity… something that has been there all along but wasn’t noticeable due to that loud obnoxious ego.

Once you regain consciousness (and I do mean regain, because we were of consciousness as children) life, as you know it, changes for the better. You drift further and further from unconsciousness and rise higher into awareness and your highest potential.