religious trauma & the good omens 2 finale
! ! ! spoilers ahead and also a very confusing rant bc this finale made me think about my religious trauma and how it stills affects me ! ! !
i'm a firm believer that azi just made the most terrible decision ever seen on earth instead that the fuckass metraton drugged his coffe or miracled a change in his heart . . . because religious trauma can just get into your head in a way that really fucks u up . . .
like what comming from and being in the "good" side does to aziraphale is pretty well developed and showed across the episodes from both seasons. even that now he's together with crowley in their own side, he stills firmly believes in heaven = good, hell = bad.
and because of this belief that is deeply rooted into him, he can't help but associate all the things that made him love crowley to little remaining pieces of heaven inside her. for aziraphale, what makes crowley stand apart from other fallen angles angels is that she saw the flaws in the great plan and choose to fight it.
but i don't think that aziraphale believes that it was crowley's free will to go against the great plan, but the remaining bits of heaven inside her fighting the bad demonic side and making her fight for the right things, the way god planned it all.
he mistook crowley's kindness and goodness with humanity because he's blinded by the perception that all good things and influences belong to god and to heaven.
the heaven that aziraphale chose to return stills the same heaven that hunted him and almost burned him to non-existence simply because he did what his heart told him to do, because he saw the flaws in the great plan and choose to fight it, even if his morals constantly made him think that he was doing wrong by being against god's wishes.
and we can't deny that he tricks himself away from guilt by believing that's all part of a bigger god's plan, that all he did was right and god proudly agrees with it even if the entirety of heaven does not to.
when this is the aziraphale we know, is not hard to believe that the metraton would not have much work to do in convincing him to going back to heaven.
and the metraton is said to be the voice of god herself ... this is such an important detail to remember, because aziraphale can deal with being rejected by heaven by reling in the omnipotent & silent presence of god silently telling him that he did no wrong. but when the voice of god speaks, how can he not hear it ??
like,, do you guys have the slightest ideia of how many times church people say the most evil and hurtfull things in the name of god, just like the metraton, to manipulate and trick people into staying into religion ???
and one of the main points of churches that make people stay, is the feeling of belonging, even that they are saying things that hurt you deeply inside using god's voice, they also make you feel loved and seem.
even after being kicked out of heaven to their own side, aziraphale stills deeply believes that heaven is the only right choice, in his heart he knows that he is a good being, and so is crowley . . . he feels that they belong to heaven, like all good things.
he can recognize all heavens wrongs such as killing job's kids for a fun bet or drowning everybody else but noah's family and some pair of animals, or to end the entire world just for a war between heaven and hell. and he desaproves it all, to the point of going against it because he choses the good side and all goodness belongs to god (even if god's wishes for all this harm to happen anyway)
and you guys realize how tempting it is to go back to the good and right side but also to a position that offers you the power of changing all the institutional failures of heaven ?? not only that but also allows him to still being by crowley's side ??
his angelic brain got corrupted to the point that he can't see that all heaven (him included) do is to hurt people but geting away with it by using god's name and goodness.
he can't see that being back in heaven would hurt crowley more than leaving him behind. because he believes that she deserves forgiveness and deserves heaven.
he got heartbroken after she refused his proposal but he didn't run back to her (even if crowley stayed there and waited and hoped for it to happen) because aziraphale is certain about his beliefs and if he cannot change heaven with crowley, he can change heaven for her.
that's why aziraphale smiles in that lift ride.
he thinks he will comeback to get crowley to heaven and finally be able to be toghether with the love of his life after he changes heaven for even better . . .
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