A fan named Dee Dee (from Decatur, Illinois) wrote to Peter via Fave Magazine, circa 1969. In her letter, she explained, “[Y]ou seem to be such a ‘free’ person. I mean that you do your own thing, from growing a beard to leaving the Monkees to leading the type of life that makes you happy without worrying what everybody thinks.
It’s always been different with me. I was fairly popular with my friends because I was a follower, not a leader. I was content, more or less, to tag along and do what the ‘in’ crowd did just so I would belong.
But since I turned 16, a few months ago, I have been more and more unhappy with myself. I really didn’t want to look like everybody else, so I cut off my long hair. I think it’s cute, but my friends don’t like it. I also changed the way I dressed. […] Nobody wants to talk to anymore at school, and I haven’t been invited to the last three big parties the crowd gave. I really feels just awful about it! Do you think I should change back and stop trying to be myself? I’m so lonely and hurt I could die, but somehow I think trying to be like everybody else isn’t right either! Please help me, Peter, I know you can!”
Here’s Peter’s reply:
“Dear Dee Dee,
I feel a very big responsibility in giving you an answer and I’ve turned it over and over in my mind. Many things you say in your letter bring back memories of my high school days! I felt much the same way you do.
You aren’t alone in your idea that there has to be something else besides trying to be a carbon copy of everybody else around you. But as you now realize, during your teens you are bucking the system when you try for individuality. I don’t mean this to sound hard on your friends — or rather the people you thought were your friends. Let me try to explain how I feel about it to you, and maybe it’ll help.
The whole idea of peace and love as I see it is to let everybody do their thing, as long as it’s not harmful to anyone else. There’s nothing that says you have to agree with someone’s opinion on dress, hair, politics, or the way the country is being run. If you prefer to listen to classical music instead of rock, then by all means do!
Everyone feels differently about certain things. That’s what makes us all individuals, and life would certainly be dull if people agreed on everything. But to go back to what I said about ‘bucking the system,’ it is a lot harder to be entirely your own self when you are just developing your own ideas. When you are in high school, your social life becomes very important to you. How many parties you get invited to, how many phone calls and dates you have, the number of people you can call your friends are the things which make you feel like a worthwhile person, or a dropout from the human race.
You’ll have to accept the fact that any deviation from the current fads of dress or conversation will place you in the category of being just a little different. It’s not a bad thing to be — but it’s not easy either! Your friends will not accept this from you readily, because they remember you as you were. Also, in doing our own thing you are giving them some doubts about themselves. You see, everyone knows deep down that there are some things they don’t like about running with the crowd! But how easy it is to just sit back and accept, instead of branching out on their own!
As the years go by and people mature, most of them do find that they are entirely different than they were in high school. They look back, as I do, and say, ‘How could I have gone along with that!’ It takes years and experience for people to find just exactly what they want and who they are. Unfortunately, too many never do!
That’s why you should consider yourself lucky. You aren’t really an outcast, you know. The most important person you have to please is you! And obviously you are trying to find the right road that brings out the self you are most comfortable with. You have to realize, Dee Dee, that you are maturing more rapidly than some of the others in your age group. It is a very important thing that is happening inside of you. You’re questioning the ‘taken for granted’ things and beginning to think for yourself. All this takes a great deal of courage and faith.
You’ll find yourself asking a hundred times a day, ‘Do I really want this? Do I believe in this?…’ and little by little you will be happier within yourself. If you keep an open mind about things, and this means not putting down the people you think have square ideas, you will find attitudes changing toward you. Remember that everybody, even those you know are wrong, do have just as much right to the ideas and way of life as you have! You can be absolutely certain that the way you feel is right — FOR YOU! What is right for someone else is their own decision.
You can argue a point of disagreement with someone by offering your views in a calm, friendly way. Don’t fight about it! Don’t try to force your beliefs on others, because this only antagonizes them. Everybody has to come along at his or her own pace and trying to prod or push them only makes them angry with you!
Think about what I’ve told you and try your very best to be open, cheerful and friendly with everyone. That includes people who have or will try to point you in one way or another. If someone puts you down, letting it roll off your back is not accepting it so much as recognizing the fact that it’s their hangup, not yours!
There are going to be people who will become your friends. Some of them you’ll get to know, and others will find you. Your social life will pick up again, but this time you’ll be doing it on your own terms! This much I know is true, because it happened to me! The transition from being one of the crowd to being your own individual self is painful, but the way you feel about yourself is the most important thing that will ever happen to you!
Peace and Love,
Peter Tork”
Edited to add: Lengthy sleuthing finally led to finding the exact Fave issue this is from - October 1969.
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