Gotta fight

[sunshyfighter]

Blog 5 - Technical teammates

Today I realized I was watching YouTube. I forgot to ask the 2Q’s and be judgmental. I went on auto pilot into my old habits. In order to fight this, I’ve employed a few teammates: 1. Minimalist YouTube and 2. StayFocusd. I’ve been using DF YouTube, but that one has let me down, so I’ve set up these new ones.

Long story short, you can block sites with StayFocusd. However, you can also whitelist sites. If you block youtube.com, but whitelist youtube.com/watch, then you can still watch videoes. The same way I’ve whitelisted youtube.com/results for searching, /c for browsing channels. Combine with minimalist youtube to remove all recommended videoes and we have a recipe for success.

In short, I’ll only be able to use YouTube productively, and sites such as 9gag, 9anime and various porn and hentai sites have been completely blocked.

The problem? There’s one way around it: uninstalling the extension. However, I have a reason not to. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort setting it up. I can’t really be bothered doing it again. The time I spent on this would be wasted. I’ve deleted the settings file, so there’s no quick way to re-implement it. Lastly, I’ve written a notification to remind myself when I forget the 2Q’s, being judgmental and self-preservation.

Overall, this builds on the second concept, namely protecting my emerging identity. One part of it is being judgmental. However, it’s not a habit for me yet, so I tend to forget it. This tool helps me avoid forgetting and ruining myself unconsciously.

The extension is now running and I won’t have any distractions from YouTube.

[sunshyfighter]

Blog 4 - Building my identity

Now, let’s tie the judgment, 2Q’s, action and self-preservation full circle (blog 1-3).

The reason I want to focus on these is that my lack of identity and constant compromises results in me not doing the work I have to do. My ground motivation is to get my work done.

The long term solution is building my identity that supports that motivation. An identity that gets my work done. There’s 2 parts to this: 1. Actively building that identity 2. Avoiding things that would shake that identity, especially in the beginning.

Point 2 means I need to avoid anime, YouTube, 9gag, media, etc. I can go back to them gradually once my identity is clearer, stronger and not as easily shaken.  When I do start watching them, I need to be very judgmental in the way described earlier. This also goes for meeting people, both new and known.

For point 1, I’m not quite sure. I think it’s something along the lines of “Over time, after asking what my needs are and what is good for me, I’ll see a pattern in those answers. I can then extrapolate those patterns into personal values and such, and perhaps arrange those into different levels (eg. low, med, high).” That’s my general idea for now.

It’s a lot to remember, this is the summary. First: Use 2Q’s to judge and self-preservation to motivate action [many times a day]. Second: Be judgmental and strict to not let your character/identity be torn down by media or people [many times a day]. Third: extrapolate from patterns [every once in a while].

[sunshyfighter]

Blog 3 - 2Q’s, Action, Self-love

In blog 2, I reasoned why I must ask myself 2 questions (I’ll unlock the third later one), and use them to judge people’s actions and perspectives, as well as ideas, concepts and values. Even those I find in anime, series and the media.

It’s not enough to simply answer the questions. I must also act. However, if I don’t matter to me, if I don’t love myself, there’s no reason to act. The questions are, after all: 1. What is good for me? 2. What do I need?

I don’t believe in self-love. Or rather, it might work for others. But for me, I can’t say I love myself. In short, that premise won’t work for me.

However, I 100% believe in “self-preservation”. I’d choose to live every single time. If I can choose between a life of anguish or the nothingness of death, I’d choose to live. When I no longer live, that’s all she wrote. I will be no more. There’s nothing more to life than living. When we don’t, we are not.

I’d argue that being judgmental through answering the 2Q’s then taking action is in line with self-preservation. I wouldn’t do this out of self love. But I would do this in order to live. And so I will.

[sunshyfighter]

Blog 2 - Being judgmental.

I must be judgmental in order to protect myself and my identity. I reasoned that in blog 1. However, I believe there are better ways to go about it than to “be judgmental”.

From a psychiatrist I know, there are 3 general questions we can ask ourselves: 1. What is good for me? 2. What do I need? 3. What do I want?

I’ve crossed out the third question because, according to her, when we’re in a bad place, that’s a dangerous question to ask. Makes sense. We can all want things that are detrimental to us. The other two questions, however, don’t pose any such risk. Once we get to a better place, we can gradually start asking what we want.

To make this process easier, I suggest looking at the opposite questions as well: 1. What is bad for me? 2. What do I need out of my life? (not exactly the opposite, but tomato tomato) 3. What do I not want?

[Right now/Long term] -> can be added to the end of the questions for clarity.

I’m not gonna start judging people. You never know what people have been through. But I’ll judge their actions and perspectives from the lens of “that would be bad for me”. I’ll judge concepts and ideas the same way. Including things implied indirectly in series, TV-shows and media in general.

For my own sake, I’ll become judgmental in this way. Why? Because that is something I need right now.

[sunshyfighter]

Blog 1 - Where my identity at

I gotta fight. Got 4 exams to retake in 2 weeks cause I failed them. Haven’t read enough to get through them. I’ve been watching youtube, anime and porn. That shit is breaking me.

My identity is so weak that, as I’m watching series and shit, I take on the values and lessons implied by what’s on screen. Even if it goes against what who I am and what I’m trying to be, I don’t judge. Then it somehow rubs off on me and shapes me.

I’ve lived trying to not be judgmental. Somewhere along the lines I concluded it was bad and should be avoided at all cost. Like, I could be wrong and it would suck to admit if I was indeed wrong. It also makes other people feel bad, and I don’t want to do that, so the more reason not to be, right? 

I gotta stop that shit. Draw lines. Make up opinions. Fight for them. Stop being such a non-judgmental little ass licking piece of garbage.