SHE COULD FEEL HERSELF WANTING TO RETRACT, to curl up and forget this conversation altogether. even though they were were still in the midst of talking or arguing or whatever you’d like to call it, mai didn’t like the current status of where the conversation was at nor where it was going. crossing her arms over her chest as a visible defense mechanism, the brunette looked over to matt with mixed emotions that were beginning to leak through her usually unreadable exterior. “you wouldn’t understand, you just wouldn’t. just forget about it.” matt was as human as they came and mai wasn’t going to taint that. it just wasn’t fair. if that upset of frustrated him then she was okay with it because in the end she was doing him a favor whether he knew it or not…or at least that’s what she was telling herself. silence struck and the witch became noticeably quiet. at this point she felt like she was standing in quicksand and every move she made only threatened to submerge her deeper until she hit a point of no return. there was no escape, to any of it. even running didn’t seem like a possibility at this point as her legs felt as heavy as the darkness and the pain that loomed over her. as much as she would like to say the she just didn’t care at all…she did. and right now she found that what he said had somehow possessed a certain unexpected sting to it that she didn’t wish to feel. if anything, that made her feel even more reason to stay away. to keep her distance. “life. my life…my past and even present experiences are what make me think that way. it’s why i find it so crazy. it’s why i am the way i am. sometimes that’s just how people are built. it’s not that big of a deal.” while she had attempted to make it sound like her usual careless remark, it seemed this time around it lacked it’s usual punch and instead faltered horribly. “what i want doesn’t matter…it just doesn’t, okay? do what you want. if that makes it easier then go ahead.” as soon as he a step forward, she made a point to look elsewhere as her arms remained crossed. “nothing, it means nothing,” she said quickly with obvious undertones of defensiveness evident which only served to make what she was saying sound like a bold faced lie. “just forget it matt, forget all of this, okay?!” she almost pleaded with him as she began to shift uncomfortably. “i should just….go. you have class and…i just need to leave, okay? just…please forget i said anything.”
matt didn’t want to fight anymore. he hadn’t gone into this originally intending to fight with mai, but somewhere along the line it had escalated to that point and he felt the intense need to defend himself against her words. but not anymore. “what, so i don’t know you, but you know me? how do you know what i won’t understand?” he’d been through his own fair share of crap in his life, in his past experiences. it wasn’t something he was using as an excuse to push everyone away from him, and in fact it was more of a reason he loved and cared more deeply. it was easier than being alone, even if that’s where he was at the end of every night anyway. matt could only watch, helplessly, as she sunk into her quicksand. the quicksand that not even the strength of a quarterback could pull her out of, a thought that made him want to walk away and never look back because it was work. it was so much work. but it wasn’t in matt to leave it when that was what she was saying on the outside, when his guts and his brain and his heart told him something wasn’t right. perhaps it was something he misinterpreted, something that meant he should use as more of a reason to walk away. his feet were cemented to the floor while her facade crumbled before his eyes. or, at least, pieces of it. “it is a big deal, mai. you’re a big deal to me. maybe that’s crazy but i don’t care.” his world would not end, nor would life as he knew it, end, if she succeeded in pushing him away from her. at most a few weeks and the guilt he felt from giving up, and the hurt he felt from being rejected that way, would being to subside. there was something about how lost she seemed, how confused she seemed, how close she was to opening up to him, at least from what he could sense. which probably wasn’t a lot, because matt wasn’t great at reading people. that only made it even more difficult for him to understand her. “i want to help you. i know more than you think. i’m not just a dumb jock, okay? so please, just. . . let me help you.” but the thing was that it didn’t need to be that way. she looked like and sounded like she needed help, more than he originally thought before from her moody moments and underlying dark statements. it felt like something deeper and scarier to matt than it had before. hearing his first name instead of his last leaving her lips, that was the part that really brought goosebumps to his arms. it wasn’t so simple to just forget like she insisted. it wasn’t something he could let her walk away while he thought about it, worried, wondering if she’d be at school tomorrow or the next day or the next day. she couldn’t just expect that.