NICK & CHARLIE
How it started 🥺 vs. How it's going 😍

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NICK & CHARLIE
How it started 🥺 vs. How it's going 😍
It’s been the craziest year, and I can’t think of anyone better to have shared it with than Kit.
Joe Locke for British GQ Magazine
Magick IRL's Year-long Offering!
I just realized I haven't really talked about much about my spiritual practices and how I read cards and the stars now! Lmao. I'll do another post about it maybe. Anyhoo..
I'm offering something really special for me and is a huge deal! I will commit to not d-wording because I have to keep this shite up for the rest of the year. HAHAHAHAH. This is a way to remind myself of my year ahead pulls and I thought might as well drag others into this so here we are!
There are already four people who signed up for it and my heart is really full. I need some routine in my life and having actual paying clients just really puts more responsibility and accountability to sticking to it hehehehe.
Anyways, that's all for now I also did a year-ender pick a card to anyone who's interested. This is supposed to be exclusive tot he people who have booked me through 2021 but shhhh ahhaah.
i really miss how i used to read a lot. i mean, i have a freaking bookshelf on my blog! haha. i read so much, I needed a tracker with ratings and short reviews.
i have an extremely long to read list and I hope i can get my reading habit back. so i can say i dont just read cards, i read books too! haha
hi, flops! im back
was looking for old photos of mine and it made me really miss the way tumblr ran at its peak. as in yung 2009 to 2013 level. tamang tth lang ganon CHAROT ahhahaha. but yeah i miss doing sunday currently and monthly round up blog posts!!!!!! as in!!!!!
not sure if any of my moots are still here but i checked my following and a handful deactivated already. huhu. some of y'all are active kahit reblogs lang tho! not sure if anyone is reading this or im living in the past lmao either way...
online check
Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend
This talk literally changed my life. And after watching this, it will change the way you see things too; all the things you knew about stress is wrong.
I now firmly believe the saying, “it’s all in how you look at it.”
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TED Talk of the Month is a little blog series that features curated TED (sometimes TEDx) talks. You can watch all the selected talks here.
The Origin of Kasarianlan
PUP Kasarianlan is the official student organization for people of diverse SOGIE. We are based in the Polytechnic University of the Philippines Sta. Mesa.
Kasarianlan is a word derived from two Filipino words; ‘Kasarian’- which means gender, and ‘Kasarinlan’- which means freedom or independence. Together, Kasarianlan means ‘freedom from gender’ or ‘independence from gender norms.’
It all started in Metro Manila Pride 2016. Janggo, our founder, noticed that he saw a lot of PUPians in the march but there’s no official contingent. He asked himself, how come there’s not LGBT+ org in PUP like UP Babaylan, FEU SHE, etc?
Mel, who is also there, but not with Jang, thought of the same thing.
Dave, who is also there, but not with Jang or Mel, thought of the same thing.
And lastly, I, who is also there, but not with any of them, thought of the same thing.
July 01, 2016
I was in a class and realized I forgot to print my homework; so did my seatmate. So together, we went outside to the nearest carinderia/printing shop to get our homework printed. On my way there, Jang, sitting on a table with like, seven other people, called me to sit with them. I told my classmate she should go ahead and print our homework while I stay outside of the shop.
(a photo the table taken on the day we made it. i wanted to take vague photos of our growth as an org. little did i know, i wont be able to keep up because everything is happening so fast!)
“Gumagawa kami ng LGBT org, sali ka samin.” was the first thing he said to me the moment I sat down. I looked around the table and saw familiar faces. There were orgmates (public speaking org), friends of friends, so are Dave and Mel.
It was a reeeeally long afternoon, which extended to the evening. Yes, I cut my class just to help make this thing happen. By the end of the night, we came up with three pillars of what the org will stand for.
Share. Listen. Support.
Though we all suck at naming the org, we made a collective decision to not hang this ’movement’ any longer. Our first assembly, or what will be later known will be the heart of the org, Focus Group Discussions (FGD) will be on Thursday, same week.
Before leaving, we assured each other’s task for Thursday. I will make posters, others will invite their friends, one will blast text every person they know to come, etc, etc.
Then boom. Our first FGD; coming out stories.
And the rest was history.
11262017
I went to Enchanted Kingdom alone last Sunday. The last time I was here, I was with someone really special and a lot of great memories was made. This is also the place where, technically, everything started.
However, like all things, it must come to an end. He will always be a part of my life and everything that I do- he taught me a lot of things- but now that we don’t see each other anymore, I decided to commemorate our what could have been an anniversary celebration by going to back here. Not to make myself cry, which i did by the way haha, but rather, to drop and leave some baggage behind. I don’t want to throw everything away, no. Just the extra feelings that keeps me from swimming through because they’re heavy. Very heavy.
I recreated some of the photos we took from last year and made new memories with myself. The next time I come back here, I’m 110% sure I’ll have fun and create new memories with the new chapter of my life I’ve decided to give myself.
((110% because even if there’s still 10% in me that’s still kinda scared to go back, I’m still 100% sure I’ll have a blast. Hehe.))
Create peace! With others, with the world, and with yourself. <3
I’m joining my first art fair on Saturday! :D
Hello! I'm joining my first ever book (slash art) fair! <3
This is the first time I'm printing and releasing my personal works to the public. Huhuhu. Please be a darling and drop by Komura ; book fair! It will be at Warehouse 8 (La Fuerza Plaza, Makati) at November 18 (Saturday) from 11AM to 9PM.
You can see some of the stuff I’m selling right here!
There will be a gig on the evening and a lot of indie artists will play. (including my fave, niki colet, hehe.) I'm the booth with Christmas lights and pastel banderitas!
I hope to see you there, yo! :D
//if u cant come, support me by spreading the word!
So I made a zine.
This was really unexpected. I was watching a lot of Bertie Gilbert’s videos and after that I just felt freaking inspired to create! So without even taking a moment to breathe, I chatted my org, (the official LGBTQIA+ org in PUP) Kasarianlan and whoever seen-ed my messages, I’d tag them and ask a question. I’m not really sure what I’d do with their answers or how I’ll layout or how the zine would look like; I just know I’d make a zine full of emotions and raw materials.
So after what seemed like just five minutes of me rattling them and shit, I was looking at their answers and arranged them as to how they would appear in the zine. Then without thinking about how the entire zine would look like, I did it page by page.
When I looked at the first draft, ugh. IT WAS HORRIBLE HAHHAHA. I deleted everything right after sending it to a friend and he thought of the same thing. I mean, the pages were good on their own but as an entire zine, the thing was all over the place.
So i tried it one more time, this time with a few rules on my mind. I can only use the colors red, black, and white. It needs to look like handwritten or typewritten; if not, use Arial. And three; lots of white space for emphasis on the feelings. I tried to not put a lot of elements in each page so it will feel like what you see is what you get. Also so you can interpret each page on your own. Without the layout implying what you should feel or how you should see it. Red is or the urgency of everything that happened. Black is for heavy feelings. White is for breathing.
When I sent this to the group chat, a few hours after making it...
THEY LOVED IT HUHUHUH. I’m so touched they just went with my shit and when I showed the endgame, they all loved it. We’re now planning to post it on our page. One every 30th, starting next year. So this is an early viewing. Hehe. (I miiight post the second one- yes, it’s done, next month.)
I also sent this to some of my friends and they asked if I’m gonna print. Huhuhu, I’m really overwhelmed with their reaction. I’m #MejProud. Haha.
That’s all!
PS If you know who is the artist for the Nirvana art, please tell me so I can credit! Just saw that on Google and can’t find it anymore. Huhu. Thank you. <3
Hello again, world!
It has truly been a freaking while(!!) since my last post and since my last legit post that I have typed directly to tumblr. - not writing that I’ve posted before or an old post I just reposted.
I talked to someone (blogger firend-hs bff-first gf), Nawawalang Prinsesa about Tumblr and damn, it was really nostalgic. I’ve also just finished backreading an old friend’s blog (are we really still okay with using friends? haha. how about an ex-friend? HAHA ang panget) and felt hers was one of the most humane blog I’ve seen. Full of personal stuff and genuine.
These past two years I guess I’ve forgotten why I started to blog; that is so when I get older, my kids (hopefully I live that long!) and I can read something to show them how life is back then. Hehe. (Online journal ba. Pangit ng sulat ko e. hahaha.)
Then I’ve seen so many established blogs and big blogs and I honestly got jealous and got blinded by the manufactured content and experiences and ugh. I hate myself for feeling that. No, it’s not wanting to aim big, it’s pure jealous-ness hahahaha. I’ve tried putting a brand on my blog, I tried rebranding, then rebranded again and boom- my blog’s dead as hell.
So yeah..
This is my way of rekindling with my old blogging self. I hope the sound of this blog when I read it back will be as close to capturing the live I’m living as of the moment.
I will try my best to post an update once a week. TRY LANG BESHIES. Though my phone doesn’t have a really awesome camera on it and photography is m Achilles’ heel, I will compensate by making graphics that’s not as shitty as my shots. HAHA.
One regret tho
I’ve blown most of my college days living and stressing over it which is not a bad things entirely, but so much has happened and I wish I could’ve blogged about them!!! I mean, I lost my group of friends in class, I got my first boyfriend (and many firsts!!), I co-founded an org in school that’s now the official LGBTQIA+ org in PUP!, I got a new boyfriend, I learned a lot about mental health, I’ve been a volunteer for LoveYourself (where I met some of the most colorful people I’ve seen), I went to different schools already to deliver talks, I’ve hosted and organized a lot of events, I’m part of Reese Kids now, the ultimate fanboy dream came true- JUST. SO. MUCH.
But yadda, yadda. Maybe they will make an appearance here as a backstory or when I don’t have a story for that week. HAHA.
I’m really excited to be fueled up again to come back to blogging. May I fall in love with writing again aaaaand I hope this isn’t one of the nights where I feel super energized and the momentum will die a few days after HAHAHA.
Thank you for visiting my little corner of the universe! <3
Kwentong Dyipni (The "Astiiiiiig" Edition)
This time, I collected stories from people.
Papasok ako ng school. Sumakay ako ng jeep from Recto to Pureza. Tapos ang cute nung jeep kasi ang liit. Animan per side, sky blue, tapos yung handle bar, dalawa. |_____||_____| ganyan.
'Yung lang, bye.
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(by other people)
I'm on the way to somewhere this morning, medyo rush hour na ako naka-alis ng bahay pero nakasakay naman kaagad ako. Puno na yung side nung jeep na inuupuan ko pero yung lalaking kasunod ko, sa tabi ko pa rin umupo kahit masikip na. I didn't mind. May sumakay pang apat na babae kahit sabi nung driver pwede pa raw tatlo. (Kahit isa na lang naman talaga ang kasya.) ‘Yung isang babae, PUPian din, sa tabi ko sumiksik. As in half inch na lang ata nung kuyukot niya nakadapo sa upuan. Syempre, gentleman ako (wow), pinaatras ko siya at ako ang umupo sa lagay niya para komportable siya.
Nagbayad yung lalaking kasunod ko. "Kuya bayad oh, Bagong Ilog lang po." And then I noticed he was sitting as if he owns the vehicle. Maka-bukaka akala mo walo bayag eh. Medyo nainis ako pero hinayaan ko lang kasi hanggang Bagong Ilog lang naman. I was praying for the jeep to be faster because my legs are on fire.
Pagdating ng bagong ilog, hindi siya bumaba. Umabot na kami ng Shaw di pa rin siya bumababa. 'Di ko na lang sinita kasi mapapahiya siya.
"Kuya, pwede pong pausog? Hirap po kasing umupo dito eh." Sabi ko.
"Edi ako naman nasikipan?"
Laking gulat ko sa sinagot niya sa pakiusap ko. ‘Di na ‘ko nakapagtimpi. Ang aga-aga, pang kadiliman ang ugali. "Kung ayaw mong masikipan, wag kang magjeep. Try mo mag-taxi. Pero tsaka mo na yan itry kapag may sapat ka nang pambayad sa jeep hindi yung hanggang Bagong Ilog lang ibabayad mo tas parang balak mo pa atang libutin buong Quiapo." Naloka yung mga taong katabi ko, habang tumatawa si ateng PUPian na pinaupo ko ng maayos. Nahiya siguro si kuya at biglang bumaba ng jeep. Malapit na ako sa kalentong, at paulit-ulit nang nireremind ni manong driver ang mga pasahero niya na magbayad ng tama.
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(by other people)
Normal na araw, mainit ang panahon para sa 10:30AM na klase ko. Lagi akong nag e-FX papasok pero dahil nagtitipid ako eh nagjeep ako.
Pumunta ako sa pila ng Antipolo-Cubao at sa harap ako sumakay dahil mas madali bumaba at sumakay at "iwas magnanakaw at iwas mambabastos" dun kaya pumwesto ako. Katabi ko ang isang lalaking naglalaro sa Xperia na ewan nya at mukhang trentahin na at pangit siya. Pangit ang hubog ng katawan at pangit ang buhok. Pangit ang damit at pangit rin ang sapatos. Mukha rin siyang kaawa-awa na ewan kaya ayun. Sinalpak ko na earphones ko at ang jeep ay nagsimula nang umandar. 'Nga pala, dun ako sa may pinto nakapwesto.
Nasa bandang intersection ng Taktak Rd pa lang ay tumigil nang maglaro yung katabi ko. At nung nasa bandang Assumption Antipolo na kami ay naisipan kong tumingin sa side mirror, at nakita kong nakatitig sakin yung katabi ko. Na-awkwardan pa ko kaya tumingin ako sa cellphone ko at ipinilit na ilipat yung kanta. Nasa kalagitnaan nung kanta nung napatingin ulit ako sa side mirror at nakita ko parin siyang nakatitig. "Naknamputa". Yun nalang ang nasabi ko.
Sinubukan kong magpatigasan at tumitig din ako sa kanya. Nailang na si gago at lumihis na ng tingin. Di ko tinigilan ang pagtitig hanggang sa nakita kong nakatingin nanaman siya sakin. Nagsimula nang uminit ang dugo ko.
Nasa CoSBR palang ata kami at matindi na yung traffic. Nakatingin parin si gago at tuloy parin ang paglihis at pagbalik niya ng titig sa akin. I have seen enough and I knew I had to do it.
Agad-agad, pinakyu ko siya. Nakataas lang yung kamay ko sa harap ng side mirror at nakita niya yon. Yumuko siya, aba si gago nahihiya rin pala. Buong byahe nakaganon lang ako sa harap ng side mirror. Napansin ko rin na sumisimple siya ng pwesto para siguro hipuan rin ako. Inunahan ko siya at sumandal agad ako at sinabing "putangina mo ba babayagan kita hayop ka mageeskandalo ako dito".
Suot ko ang boyfriend jeans ko, at legs ko naman yung tinitigan niya, di nagpapigil yung kamay ko na ilagay yung sarili niya dun sa pantalon ko ng nakapakyu parin.
At dun ay umusog siya papalapit sa driver at nakatingin nalang sa harap. Nakita kong chineck niya yung maps sa phone niya at nakitang "Masinag, Antipolo" at siya ay bumaba na. Di pa ako tapos, pagbaba niya, "putangina mong manyak ka" at pasimpleng siniko yung likod ng ulo nya.
Sa init ng dugo ko, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hinding hindi na ulit ako magje-jeep. Nakalimutan ko rin magbayad kay manong driver. Sorry, manong.
At dun sa manyak, putangina mo butas-butas din pantalon mo pero, di ko tinitigan hita mo ah. Mataba ka at may man boobs pero di ko sinubukan hipuan ka. Dayo ka lang pala ng antipolo, palulunukin kita ng puno ng kasoy. welcome to antipolo gago.
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Nasa pila ako ng check-an ng bag sa LRT Pureza station nang mapag-desisyunan 'kong mag-jeep at maaga pa naman and I could use the extra money.
Sumakay ako ng jeep pa-Recto. Pagka-upo ko, hinainan agad ako ng tatlong lalake sa harapan ko. "Mahaba pa naman ang biyahe," kako, "mapag-tripan nga 'tong mga 'to." Pina-iral ko nanaman ang pagiging judgmental ko and the question now is this: if I were to ask one of these boys to a date, who will I choose?
'Yung una, sa may bungad ng pasukan ng jeep, lalaking me muscles at naka-baseball cap. Maputi, me balbas na bagong shave pero maeron siyang tinira na very light. Hula ko, nasa early 20's na 'to.
'Yung pangalawa, taga-TUP daw sabi nung lace. Typical boy next door cutie; maputi, slim, naka-taas 'yung buhok, braces. CUTIE, UGH. Mga second year college na siguro.
'Yung last, architecture daw sabi nung lace. Nothing special sa face, me dating naman and all but hey, nagbabasa siya ng libro. Mitch Albom's "The five people you meet in heaven" Isa 'yan sa favorites ko, shet.
Nag-iisip na 'ko, "Sino ba? Yung cutie siguro. Ay no- may food yung una. If there's anything I love more than people, it's food. Wait- OH MY GOD." Binuksan nung arki yung libro niya, nalaglag bookmark niya. "This is it. It's him." I thought Ang cute, yung bookmark niya kasi, 'The Bubble' isang clone card.
Habang natutuwa sa Card Captor Sakura reference nitong si kuya arki, nag-sharp break 'yung jeep. Napa-hawak ako sa handle bar e. Tapos pag-tingin ko, ganito itsura niya: |______||______| I'm in the same jeep that I rode papuntang Pureza. Sinasakyan ko siya ngayong papaalis ng Pureza.
Jon Ronson: Strange Answers to the Psychopath Test
This is the perfect TED talk for Halloween. The animation, THE MUSIC, and of course, the story. Chills.
Jon Ronson is an absolute darling in telling this tale. It’s super creepy but he’s not creepy. I love the thick accent and his effeminate way of speaking; makes it look like you’re just talking to a friend.
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TED Talk of the Month is a little blog series that features curated TED (sometimes TEDx) talks. You can watch all the selected talks here.
LABIS NA PAGMAMAHAL
Ako si Maya. Namatay ang aking mga magulang noong ako ay limang taong gulang pa lamang. Si Kuya Dekki lamang ang kasama kong lumaki at nag-alaga sa akin. Siya ang nagpapa-aral sa akin at nagtratrabaho para sa mga gastusin sa bahay. Siya na ata ang pinaka-mabait na kuya sa buong mundo.
Masaya naman kami ni kuya sa buhay. May katamtamang bahay, katamtamang trabaho, katamtamang kinikita, katamtamang pamumuhay. Pero tila baga hindi ko maalis sa isip ko ang isang bagay. Pag-ibig.
Ano pa ba?
Lahat ng lalaki na aking nakikilala o nagkaka-gusto sa akin ay bigila-bigla na lamang nawawala. Hindi naman sa nawawala, sadyang napapalayo lang sila sa akin. Ewan ko ba. Hindi naman ako salat sa kagandahan. Maaruga at mapagmahal naman ako. Ganyan nga ako ilarawan ni kuya e. Bakit kaya sila ganun? Sa una, magbibigay ng motibo na may interes sa akin, tapos biglang mawawala sa landas ko.
Ano bang mayroon sa akin? Bakit kailangang palaging ganun?
Kinuwento ko kay Kuya Dekki ang aking mga hinanakit at siyempre, napa-hupa niya ang samang aking nararamdaman. Galing talaga ni kuya, palaging andiyan para sa akin. Palaging alam kung ano ang sasabihin at kung kailan ito sasabihin.
Isang gabi, naglalakad ako pauwi ng bahay nang mapansin kong parang may sumusunod sa akin. Tumingin ako sa likod, isang lalaki. Matangkad, moreno at parang pamilyar ang mukha. Si Leo. Isa siya sa mga lalaking aking tinutukoy kanina. Lumapit siya sa akin.
“Maya, kamusta ka na? Naaalala mo pa ba ako?” tanong nito.
“Leo. Oo naman.” sagot ko.
“Alam mo, hindi kita maalis sa isip ko. Patawarin mo sana ang bigla kong pag-layo sayo.”
“Bakit ba? Anong nangyari noon?”
“Uhhhh. May ano kasi…” bigla siyang tumigil sa pagsasalita.
“Ano? Sige, ayos lang. Sabihin mo na.”
“May nakilala akong iba.”
Hindi ko inaasahan ang aking narinig. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagpatuloy sa paglakad. Tinatawag niya ako pero binilisan ko na lamang ang paglalakad. Dala na din siguro ng mga luhang nagmumula sa aking mga mata kaya hindi ko napansin na may kotseng paparating sa aking direksyon.
Kadiliman.
Pagbukas ng aking mga mata, nasa ospital na ako. Nasa gilid ng aking kama si kuya. Sinabi ko kung ano ang nangyari. Hindi siya nagsalita. Tumayo siya at lumabas. Natulog akong muli.
Pagka-gising ko, nandoon na si Kuya Dekki. Tinanong ko kung ano ang problema. Lumapit siya sa kama ko. Alak. Lasing si kuya.
“Alam ko kung bakit sila lumalayo sayo.” panimula niya.
“Ha?” nagtatakang sagot ko.
“May nakikilala silang babae. Tama yon, diba?”
Wala akong nasabi. Punong-puno ng pagtataka ang aking isipan. Paano niya nalaman? At, sila? Madami ba yun? Silang lahat?
“Ako yun!” sigaw niya. Sabay tawa ng malakas.
“Alam mo kuya, kung ano-anong pinagsasasabi mo.” pagpapakalma ko sa kanya.
“Ako yun! Nagdadamit akong pang-babae at aaliwin ko sila buong gabi. At saka ko sila babantaan na kapag nilapitan ka pa nila, sasabihin kong may nangyari sa amin.”
Anong pinagsasasabi ni Kuya Dekki? At… paano?!
“Wala namang hubarang nangyayari e, sinusubo ko lang sila! Tuwang-tuwa naman ang mga ungas. Lasing din at hindi mahalata na hindi ako tunay na babae. Paano ba naman, mas kamukha ko pa si mama kaysa sayo.” tumawa siyang muli. Nagpa-tuloy siya, “Alam mo ba kung bakit ko ginagawa yun, ha, Maya? Para sayo. Kasi ayaw kong masaktan ka.”
“KUYA ANO BANG PINAGSASASABI MO?!” galit na sigaw ko sa kanya.
“HINDI MO BA NAKIKITA, HA? MAHAL KITA, MAYA. MAHAL KITA NANG MAS HIGIT PA SA KAPATID!”
Parehas na kaming umiiyak sa puntong ito. Gulat sa aming mga narinig. Lumapit pa siyang muli sa akin.
“Tumigil ka nga!” sigaw ko sabay tulak sa kanya. “Nababaliw ka na ba, kuya? Ang baboy mo! Kadiri ka! Akala ko pa naman, sobrang bait at linis mo. Nakasusulasok ka. Lumayo ka na sa akin!”
Nagpupumilit siyang halikan ako. Hinubaran na rin niya ako. Sinubukan kong humingi ng tulong, pero tila baga walang nakakarinig. Kinuha ko ang boteng nilapag ni kuya sa lamesita na katabi ng kama ko at ipinalo ito sa ulo niya. Bumulagta siya sa lapag. Sa sobrang galit at pagka-muhi ko sa taong dati kong nirerespeto, isinaksak ko sa kanyang sikmura ang natitirang parte ng basag na bote na nasa aking kamay.
Maka-lipas ang ilang linggo, naka-labas na ako sa ospital. Napatunayan kong self-defense lang ang pagkaka-patay ko kay kuya. Pag-uwi, napag-desisyunan ko nang itapon ang lahat ng mga gamit niya. Pagkatapos nun ako ay naglinis ng bahay at namahinga.
Kinagabihan, kinuha ko ang lubid na pang-sampay sa labas. Tumuntong ako sa isang silya at itinali ito sa kisame. Pina-ikot ko ang lubid sa aking leeg at sinipa ang silya mula sa aking mga paa.