I will never forget the day I came out - New Years Eve, 2011/2012. A few weeks earlier, I sat in McDonald’s with my mother, I remember saying “I need to tell you something,” and then pretending I forgot and deflecting to school. I remember being so scared that day that the words I wanted to say simply wouldn’t form on my lips.
And then, weeks later, I sat there in the living room, my mother just a few feet away, and I typed a post on facebook. It was easy to type, I was determined not to begin a new year denying a part of who I was, but when it came time to hit the post button, I couldn’t do it. I closed my laptop, left it in the chair, and went to my room. I remember sitting in the floor next to my backpack - it didn’t have my school supplies inside, it had my toothbrush and clothes, I had packed it earlier that day and sat it behind the door just in case. I remember returning to the living room, sitting in the chair, and staring at the post I had written. I had to force myself to hit the post button and then I quickly deleted it. After I had re-typed it, I sat there again, finger hovering above the touchpad, courser on the post button, just waiting. I took a deep breath, and hit it. Part of it read; “I am gay.”
At first, she didn’t say anything, not verbally, but as I sat there nervously reading as notifications popped up from friends, many of whom already knew because I had been outed as Bisexual at school earlier that year, and then it happened… She liked my status. Sitting just a few feet away, my mother typed a comment expressing that she loved me and that she accepted me for who I was. A huge wave of relief rushed over me. I remember hugging her later in the kitchen, and she said; “You have to make yourself happy.”
Of course, some were not so kind, I remember having to delete certain comments, I remember people lying about how they felt, saying things like “we still love you,” as if it was a flaw that they had to ignore in their eyes. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with the hate, I had been bullied for other things, so it was nothing new, but the bullying was intense, and sometimes came from people or in ways that I never expected. There were times when it was simply being ignored or shunned, there were verbal altercations, and there were occasional physical ones. I was already struggling due to Ryan’s death, so this made things even harder and I began to think I should have stayed closeted. I remember one specific time, I was in Chemistry class, and someone told me to kill myself before I get AIDS and burn in hell… It hit me so hard that I went across the hall to the bathroom with a hand full of pain killers, trying to convince myself to just end it.
And yet, here I am, almost 5 years later, an openly gay man in a proud and accepting city. I wake up every day under a rainbow flag on my wall, I call my mother to chat about a boy and we make jokes about rainbows and how fabulous I am, and I live life like everyone else - I wake up to go to work, I stress about bills, I flirt hopelessly with someone way out of my league, I buy groceries and then moan about how much they cost, I stand in the shower and plan scenarios in my head that will never happen, I look at the dishes piled up and decide to put it off until tomorrow - because at the end of the day, being gay doesn’t define me, it doesn’t make me different at all, being gay is just another factor in my own adventure of this thing we call life. But I am a proud, openly gay man, I live my life knowing I don’t have to hide who I love (Well, let’s say I don’t have to hide the type that I love… cough cough), and I have become content with knowing some people will never accept that. I stand up for myself and my community without fear.
And I know many of you have your own coming out story, some were written before I was born, some are new and still forming, and some have yet to be written, but no matter what phase your coming out story is in, I want you to know first and foremost that your story will be one to take pride in, it will be brave and courageous, no matter how ‘easy’ or challenging it is. Second, I want you to know that if you stand today, openly identifying as a member of the LGBTQ community, I am proud of you and congratulate you on your liberation from the closet. Lastly, if you read this today from within the closet, I want you to know that I am proud of you too, maybe you’re still becoming comfortable with your sexuality, maybe it is something you have yet to define or label, or maybe you just haven’t made the step of openly expressing it, but no matter that, I am proud of you for surviving the struggle so far, and I want you to know that I am here for you, I and so many others, reach out to you today and say 'you are not alone, you are beautiful, and whenever you are ready, there is an entire world out there ready to welcome you and love you.’ All of us, closeted or not, need to remember to be kind to one another, to learn and teach, to love and laugh, and to accept ourselves and accept each other.
To my mother, I love you and I am so proud of how far you have come, never would I imagine the hilarious and open conversations we have now, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I got my best feature from you - my heart - and because of that, you will always be a part of my story.
And to my best friend, thank you too, because without you, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today, and honestly, I wouldn’t have survived. You are the reason I smile every day, you make me laugh, you annoy me, and I love you beyond words. Nothing makes me happier than watching your story be written.
So happy National Coming Out Day to all of my LGBTQ family and friends. Thank you all for reading my story, now go write yours.
Be proud, be strong, be brave, and never forget; It gets better.
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