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March madness.

So here is an update, I started my training for assitant manager! Not a big deal but it is a big deal type shit. So far the hours are crazy, they are a bit insane if im being honest. I know i need the money and thats honestly what is keeping me there. My boss has been getting in my head quite a bit making me wonder the person that I want to be in the future. He's been asking about my goals, such as where I see myself in 4 years. Asking about my short and long term goals. I haven't given much thought to it but I do want to think about them, a bit more. I want to start visualizing the type of person that I want to be. Something that I have always known to lack is discipline, thats one of the biggest and most important things in life. I want to be able to visualize my well being and make a plan towards how I'm going to obtain that.

Living back at home has been challeging but i think its because I was so use to being reckless without anyone saying anything to me. I keep forgetting that my mom will most likely say something me. I came home drunk twice in a row and my mom was grilling me. Although you would think that it would bug me, honestly i know this is going to help me stay on top of my feet and make sure that i don't get too crazy.

I keep wanting to fim but honestly I haven't been feel creative at all. I always want to vlog, but i honestly don't do anything interesting. I overheard this person say that if you go on youtube its because your life must interesting.. "your life is that interesting?? "

Moving forward, I'm going to continue working on my self discipline.

UPDATE! 02/07/25

Here we are again. I'm back with living with my mom and sister. Honestly it isn't bad. I'm have plans in mind, things that I want to achieve. I hate feeling stuck. but now more than ever I feel capable of achieving and going after the life that I want. I don't know what life is going to be like in the next months. But I will push myself to my fullest to make the best out of everything. I want to go to certain music events. But out of all things I want to get a car again. It has been interesting not having a car. honestly it has been hell. but other than that, I was working hard towards getting my promotion at work and as of now it seems further away. So i decided to apply to other jobs. I think right now if I want to get another job but maybe having two is the way to go. I need money fast.

Amigos, Septiembre

WELL we meet again September. Although according to earth our summer doesn't end until mid September, the 20th to be exact and this is honestly hands down the saddest thing ever. How was my summer? My summer was a bummer for sure. It had so much potential but it all went down south. I thought that for the bare minimum I was gonna have the chance to do things and go places. But no , instead i was down bad missing a friend that didn't give a shit about me.

Losing my car really took a toll on me. I was saying I was good but in reality I wasn't. I was optimistic, sometimes I wonder if that can be bad? being overly optimistic.

Summer bummer for sure. Although I did go out and went to San Diego a couple of times. I sure did get to explore but the mood did not give this summer. I was so excited but in the end I had some fun. definitely one that I will try snd burry to the ground. As if

Maybe in another life, another universe. We would have been great together. 💕

Lesson well learned.

As if being used once wasn't enough. So it happened again, honestly maybe I am stupid maybe si me encanta la mala vida. He came back into my life, said he wanted to leave whatever happened between us in the past. So we did, it was all so brief. But damn i lost so much for this guy and now. Nothing , the only thing that was left behind was his shadow. He just started ghosting and then bang! gone, he unfollowed me on insta but honestly it doesn't hurt as the first time. but I'm scared that he if tries to comeback, I'm going to run to him. HA! JK. I have learned this lesson and like someone on tv said the other day. "you are the reason I will have trust issues, because the nicest people most often want something from you". So here we are. Left alone, after so much. After all of that. but its ok. I had to apologize to myself about the shit that you did. Had to forgive myself for thinking that people can be nice. A lesson well learned. Do i regret it? Yes! because honestly I look STUPID!!!!

Update!

Time is once again flying everyone is living their life, somehow I still can't help that im stuck in the same place. I have no idea of what I'm doing with my life in this very moment. I tell myself that I'm just living and figuring it out as I go and frankly the insecurity of it all brings thrill into my life. I thinking of vlogging getting my youtube going I haven't uploaded anything but I'm going to get it going. I'm finally over my heart ache and honestly I'm slowly starting to feel like myself again. He is just a mere memory in my life. It's time to pick up where i left off.

<3

🫶🏽

The Fall Off

What started so great did not have the ending it deserved. I met this guy in December and honestly I didn't think of it too much but I saw so much potential. I know it was all my fault for getting my hopes up. For thinking that I had the chance of being loved. it was great while it lasted but in the end I couldn't help but to feel anger towards him. When i say that we were great together, I have never met a person that speaks the same language that laughs and gets my jokes. Without looking for anything our paths crossed and our souls greeted each other like long lost friends. I chose to write this because I want to remember that love does exist and even tho it didnt go so well at the end. When we were together nothing mattered. The earth stood still all our worries vanished in the laughs we had. May the memory of us forever remain the songs we sang together in the restaraunts that witness both of our existence this infinite but very finite existence. Alex you will go down as my favorite lover, my favorite almost something. Thank you for reminding me that love is magical and that its till here. <3

take care

I met you my sophomore year of high school, all my siblings had just moved out. I was Left alone with parents that hated and yelled at each other everyday, so I joined every club in school to keep me from spending time at home and my reality. My life was fucking a mess. I was hating myself for being gay, hating myself for that thing that guy did to me at 15. So I started drinking. I remember my principal telling me if I didn’t stop missing school she was gonna call a social worker. I was down bad. But mainly tired., Like I was dealt with the worst cards to play this game we call life. On the day I ran into you I had forgotten my keys so I had to take the long way. and that lady from church had her door open with a litter of kitties crawling on her welcome mat. My heart lit up. And That’s when I saw you! You were the chunkiest and laziest baby, you ate and immediately fell asleep and I thought “if I were a cat , that’s me”. I picked you up kissed you. And just like that l. i forgot about all the fucked up shit I was going through. Took you home without a care in the world. Thank you. You gave me sense of purpose and companionship when I had none. I wish we could have gotten more years together. I wish you could have seen me at my greatest. But I’m thankful for the loyalty and for emotional support no human could ever give me. Even when the landlord kicked us out and we had to live in a garage for a couple of months. You bared with my brokeness. Saved me when I need saving. if there’s a river to cross a witness I need to get into a enteral life. I know you’ll Meow and purrr in favor of me and I just hope I have some friskie treats for you.

My homie, my bro, my fat boy, mi gordo, mi wevas, mi niño. Te amo. Siempre te recordaré. Thank you for saving me.

#ripkitty #bestcat #michi

beachhh-bumm

via Pinterest

Get me right.

Once again we are here, I’m feeling pressured from all angles of my life. Honestly I don’t even know where to start? Usually I write a list of all the things that I need to sort stuff out. But at least I have things going on and these are matters that adults deal with. It has been a long time coming and I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere but the dues that I need to pay are high. Feeling broke but not from random things like smoking my life away or partying but from being sick in the hospital and having a car that I feel like my break down on me.

In terms of my social life, I do not have one. I don’t have friends that I can reach out. I have lost touch with the ones that I did have. Honestly if they really appreciated me they would have come looking for me, seeking for our friendship. But like most things, everything is always one sided.

School is going.. although at times I feel lost, I’m glad that I’m back and getting it done. I’m taking two classes right now and I wish I was taking more, so that it could keep me busy enough to have no time for distractions.

In general, I’m feeling the pressure but I’m also glad that they are for things that all adults deal with at some point in there life. So for now , I’ll strap on my seat belt and get through the ride of adulthood.

#motivated #adulting

I’m a survivor 🐈

March madness!

On the first week of March I became very i’ll. Let me just say that everything that emerged on this month lead me straight to a never ending hell. I suffered the entire month and just when I thought that everything was over, my body would relapsed I just couldn’t seem to get over my pain. Nonetheless my mom and all my sisters started bugging me to seek medical attention, but I honestly thought I had it. Unfortunately this would lead me to useless Doc visits and two nights at the ER thinking that I would get better with medication. BUT no, my body said fuck the medication. On second week of April everything just seem to get worse and on a Monday night I thought I was about to bleed to death so my sister rushed me to the ER but at a different hospital looking for another perspective or rather a different diagnosis. I knew my condition was serious because I had no business bleeding the way I was and the pain was now unbearable. A long night at the ER and 6 hours later a Doc finally got to me and started examining me... It is easy being strong when your healthy, for instance I liked donating blood, never really mind the needles. But thousands of blood draws later I started developing a fear for the needles. I was tired of being poked but I knew it was only necessary if I wanted answers. I’ll make this story short, I was kept in the hospital for almost an entire week but I’m glad that I left feeling better and hopeful. March was hell and definitely reminded how mortal we humans are. How our health can easily be tempered with and how easy we can perish. I haven’t said that I’m feeling completely fine because I don’t want to jinx myself. But things are looking up. <3

Been back in school , but it hasn’t been so well. I was sick for over a month and I feel like I totally failed one class.. I really tried this time around. But it’s ok , gotta keep moving forward and keep on pushing.

Still alive and thriving 🌵

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