Life can be Ludicrous

This blog will share my own expereinces of mental health and life advice. I share what has happened to me so you can prevent it from happening to you. Read, enjoy and share #mentalhealth #youngwomen

[superludicrouslife]

WOULD IF

Would if I die

Would if I survive

Would if I bleed

Would if I succeed

Would if I’m sad

Would if I’m happy

Would if I remember

Would if I forget

Would if would ifs control my light

Would ifs are the source of my plight

Would if I forget what would ifs are

Would if I live free and far

But..

Would ifs take over my brain

Would ifs drive me insane

Would ifs aren’t real

Would if they are real

Would if they infect me again

[superludicrouslife]

Children of tomorrow

Dear children of tomorrow, I’m sorry books are cold and electronic I’m sorry ice caps are a myth I’m sorry your world has been inflicted with disease and those supposed to protect you betrayed you And I’m sorry you can’t go out and play I wish i could stop it but I can’t I’m sorry #coronavirus #covid19 #quarantine #poem #sorry

[superludicrouslife]

When the World Restarts

As Netflix humbly predicted, the apocalypse is indeed, nigh.

It always starts off as a small virus, nobody panics and then people, indeed start to panic. As the world slowly crumbles, little do we know that we are the last people on earth.

But maybe, this was what we all needed. As the world has become more and more closed off due to technology, phones, screens and jobs. None of us have friends, or if we do, we don’t get to see them. Some of us, have online friends, but even that isn’t really, real. If someone has a party, (which they won't) no one will even grace the invite with a response. Their tired thumbs, too lazy to grace the gesture with the courtesy of a reply. True living is a thing of the past.

But if the apocalypse happened, maybe things would change. Maybe rich people will open their houses to the poor. Shallow influencers making a living off their looks, cease to exist. Phones are tossed aside in the hope to find food and water. REAL skills are sort after, cared about, acknowledged.

We will learn to help each other again. See people for who they really are. See people in a way that isn’t about how much money they have, how many followers they have or how big their house is. But seen for who they really are, a nice, kind, unselfish human being. A survivor.

I can stop worrying about my future. About whether I’ll be able to over achieve enough. To beat my peers and give my parents something to brag about. I can stop worrying about whether I’ll be successful (whatever that means). About whether I will make myself worthy to be a part of society on this planet, in the eyes of my peers and parents. 

That will all go away. I won't have to worry anymore. And men will stop treating women like throwaway wank sheets. A hole to have sex with. To satisfy a need. A hole that doesn’t speak if preferable. They will appreciate who they have because there aren't many women left. 

True, I obviously do not want this to happen. Don’t take this literally, but understand what this represents.

Imagine the change that would occur. We would get the beauty of the 70′s back. We would know what it means to LIVE again.

We would be free.

[superludicrouslife]

when i scream and no one hears. small, unheard and how i fight back

it’s hard being small. i live in a world that wasn’t built for me.

and the bigger people are cruel. they’re cruel because they can. they’re cruel because they're bigger, better, stronger than me. they’re cruel because the world around them is the right size for them. they can reach things on shelves, they can work the hours designed for THEM, carry heavy things designed for THEM. and they wonder why i can’t.

they’re stupid. 

well i don’t care anymore. i used to, yes, it was hard. but difficult things are an excuse to push yourself. nothing good ever came easy.

i take your challenge, world.

i’ll show you what i can do. not with my physical strength, not with my height, and not my voice but with my mind. just you wait, I’m coming.

[superludicrouslife]

there is no point in having a vision, if you do not make it happen

RB

[superludicrouslife]

sex, acne and maintaining a relationship

having suffered from multiple acne problems from the age of 15 onwards i am no stranger to this battle.

i have also struggled with relationships. i worry way too much and i have turned men away countless times due to these fears. i feel so much better not having the pressure of a relationship than to be in one. i prefer to be alone.

but then it got to the point where i was 23, single and alone. i wanted and needed someone. it was time.

i met a wonderful man. a perfect man. a man that was going to love me no matter what and make me feel alive again. but my acne was back.

i went on antibiotics but it was on my back this time, not my face. it was adult acne. oh joys. like i hadn't suffered enough. hormonal changes that i couldn’t control. i tried different detergents to wash my clothes in. i tried creams, soaps, scrubs, pills, dietary changes. but of course, nothing worked. i even tried cleaning my back, maybe three times a day but i realised that no one else did this. a normal human being could not do this. it was insane. 

the relationship was going well but the anxiety of whether i would have a break out or not not killing me. whether he would notice. if he ever touched my back i would instantly cringe away even though i really wanted him to touch me. to love me. did he notice? was he as disgusted in me as i was? all of these questions will remain unanswered because i cannot bear to even utter the words. there’s nothing worse than talking about it. the disgust. the mental and physical pain. the fact that i couldn't control it. it was poison for my mind, worse than the acne itself.

i have now stumbled upon a spray that i wear every day and it actually has turned my life around. it helps to control the bacteria, which was the cause in the end. i get the odd one but it is no where near how it was and it is something i can now, finally, control. i can maintain.

but this was months after the relationship had even started and now, i can finally breathe. i can relax even. the little breakouts i get are so manageable. i can take my makeup off around him and even get changed infront of him, which is something i would never have done before. i feel like a weight has been lifted.

but now, of course there are other things on my mind. there always are. but that’s just the disease isn't it. the mental disease that so many of us have yet so many of us do not talk about.

I am happy. i just hope at lasts.

[superludicrouslife]

Poem of Loss When my heart forgot how to beat

When i lost the one thing i loved more than anything in the world. something i knew i would never get back, ever again. something money couldn’t buy, a pain that couldn’t be numbed. the day my heart forgot how to beat.

People say that a broken heart isn’t physical but only emotional. that, i’ll have to argue isn’t true. because it really happened to me. my chest, hurt. for weeks. it ached physically ached on top of all of the other pain i was feeling. trying to forget the memories because they were too painful but then not wanting to let them go entirely because those were all i had left. i was so distressed that my heart began to beat too fast, most days. this made it hard to sleep because it was preparing for a marathon that wasn’t there. i had to mix vodka into juice in an attempt to slow it down. he was there in my dreams. in my dreams we could be together again. which was amazing but then when i woke i would remember that it wasn’t true and he was really gone. and the pain would start again. i would pray for all the pain in the world but the pain i was going through. my appendix, shingles the lot i wanted it and i wanted it now. because that pain was curable. that pain you could take drugs for. this pain was raw and ten times as bad with no cure, no treatment, no solution. just more pain. i had to rewrite myself as a person. i had to let go of who i was and take on a new one, which wasn’t better, just different. and i didn’t have a choice. nobody could help me. nobody could. and the worst part is that it will happen again. and i do not know how i will cope when it does. now that i have lost the only thing i truly loved, i guess i will go through life not having that love. i look for new ones but nothing is the same. nothing is him. you will never how it truly feels until it happens. there is no empathy in the world with the power and magnitude to handle such a weigh..

[superludicrouslife]

isn't it sad that almost every woman has a sexual assault story. i say almost for the sake of argument but it's all. all of us

[superludicrouslife]

Twitter is the most public private thing there is. We all speak our minds but no one sees or cares

[superludicrouslife]

He pestered me to sleep with him; I did to get him to leave me alone. Which one is worse?

RB

[superludicrouslife]

My OCD life

I wake up in the morning and the chanting begins.

i go to bed at night and the chanting ceases.

most of the time i am free in my dreams.

but every day, it repeats.

[superludicrouslife]

The pain of being sane

I have undiagnosed anxiety, always have, always will.

stress has always been something that’s plagued my life. and its one of the most frustrating illnesses in the world.

a LOT of people claim they have it when they don’t. which is insulting to those that do. this has now labelled this disease as something that no one cares about because of all of the people crying wolf. 

but the danger is, that it can be totally debilitating.

i have had it since a young age. i think back to when i was really young and i was displaying symptoms. i didn’t know at the time that i had the condition. nobody diagnosed me, nobody noticed and quite frankly, no one cared.

i have two of the most caring and doting parents in the world but they both failed me. and now i’m on my own. trying to desperately find a way through. 

i’ve given up telling people because i know they either won’t believe me or, on the off chance they do, they will fail to understand what the symptoms are, and fail me just like everyone else has.

so generally, i keep it to myself.

i’ve seen lazy people use it as an excuse for not doing their work. but if they've never worked a moment in their life and then say it was anxiety, the evidence is clear that they are lying.

i’ve worked hard every day of my life. i know what hard work is. and even though my anxiety has prevented me from leaving the house, I've still found a way to leave. perhaps an hour late, but i always find a way. because i’m not lazy but also i REFUSE to let it BEAT me.

i’ll never be a pussy.

I beat it every day. yes, i’m exhausted, it clouds my head to the point where i can’t think anymore. i lose my appetite, get stomach cramps, and have no time or space or freedom to get on with normal life. sometimes i go into a lucid state where i just float through life, doing the bare minimum, barely able to get myself in the shower. and sometimes i wake up and wonder where i have been for the last week.

i still have my job. but i worry.

i have had a particularly bad anxiety week. i was fine last week, my head was free, clear and able. i have had a massive relapse. and now, i don’t even know if i’ll make it to work. 

which is stupid because i know i’ll go to work. i’m just not the same person as last week. 

no amount of support from my family will help me. no amount of calms or alcohol or cigarettes or cups of tea or relaxing mind games, sudoku, watching tv will help.

my family are supportive but it isn’t helping. it never will.

i just have to get through this. like i always do. 

alone.

I go out into the world like i am the most capable person in the world. i’m not insane, i have my health and everything is normal. but i am in great pain, inside my head.

there is no cure.

i live in secret. i wish i wasn’t so alone but there is nobody to help and nobody who understands. 

no one will ever know the truth.

 too many lies have been said.

[superludicrouslife]

It was the journey to find the unicorn that I needed; not the unicorn itself

RB

[superludicrouslife]

Chasing the unicorn made me realise I should have been chasing the dog instead

RB

[superludicrouslife]

Maybe I should have been chasing the dog instead of the unicorn

RB

[superludicrouslife]

Doing nothing doesn't mean it's not wrong

RB

[superludicrouslife]

How did a well deserved rest become my kryptonite?

RB