I have undiagnosed anxiety, always have, always will.
stress has always been something that’s plagued my life. and its one of the most frustrating illnesses in the world.
a LOT of people claim they have it when they don’t. which is insulting to those that do. this has now labelled this disease as something that no one cares about because of all of the people crying wolf.Â
but the danger is, that it can be totally debilitating.
i have had it since a young age. i think back to when i was really young and i was displaying symptoms. i didn’t know at the time that i had the condition. nobody diagnosed me, nobody noticed and quite frankly, no one cared.
i have two of the most caring and doting parents in the world but they both failed me. and now i’m on my own. trying to desperately find a way through.Â
i’ve given up telling people because i know they either won’t believe me or, on the off chance they do, they will fail to understand what the symptoms are, and fail me just like everyone else has.
so generally, i keep it to myself.
i’ve seen lazy people use it as an excuse for not doing their work. but if they've never worked a moment in their life and then say it was anxiety, the evidence is clear that they are lying.
i’ve worked hard every day of my life. i know what hard work is. and even though my anxiety has prevented me from leaving the house, I've still found a way to leave. perhaps an hour late, but i always find a way. because i’m not lazy but also i REFUSE to let it BEAT me.
I beat it every day. yes, i’m exhausted, it clouds my head to the point where i can’t think anymore. i lose my appetite, get stomach cramps, and have no time or space or freedom to get on with normal life. sometimes i go into a lucid state where i just float through life, doing the bare minimum, barely able to get myself in the shower. and sometimes i wake up and wonder where i have been for the last week.
i still have my job. but i worry.
i have had a particularly bad anxiety week. i was fine last week, my head was free, clear and able. i have had a massive relapse. and now, i don’t even know if i’ll make it to work.Â
which is stupid because i know i’ll go to work. i’m just not the same person as last week.Â
no amount of support from my family will help me. no amount of calms or alcohol or cigarettes or cups of tea or relaxing mind games, sudoku, watching tv will help.
my family are supportive but it isn’t helping. it never will.
i just have to get through this. like i always do.Â
I go out into the world like i am the most capable person in the world. i’m not insane, i have my health and everything is normal. but i am in great pain, inside my head.
i live in secret. i wish i wasn’t so alone but there is nobody to help and nobody who understands.Â
no one will ever know the truth.
 too many lies have been said.