sex, acne and maintaining a relationship
having suffered from multiple acne problems from the age of 15 onwards i am no stranger to this battle.
i have also struggled with relationships. i worry way too much and i have turned men away countless times due to these fears. i feel so much better not having the pressure of a relationship than to be in one. i prefer to be alone.
but then it got to the point where i was 23, single and alone. i wanted and needed someone. it was time.
i met a wonderful man. a perfect man. a man that was going to love me no matter what and make me feel alive again. but my acne was back.
i went on antibiotics but it was on my back this time, not my face. it was adult acne. oh joys. like i hadn't suffered enough. hormonal changes that i couldn’t control. i tried different detergents to wash my clothes in. i tried creams, soaps, scrubs, pills, dietary changes. but of course, nothing worked. i even tried cleaning my back, maybe three times a day but i realised that no one else did this. a normal human being could not do this. it was insane.
the relationship was going well but the anxiety of whether i would have a break out or not not killing me. whether he would notice. if he ever touched my back i would instantly cringe away even though i really wanted him to touch me. to love me. did he notice? was he as disgusted in me as i was? all of these questions will remain unanswered because i cannot bear to even utter the words. there’s nothing worse than talking about it. the disgust. the mental and physical pain. the fact that i couldn't control it. it was poison for my mind, worse than the acne itself.
i have now stumbled upon a spray that i wear every day and it actually has turned my life around. it helps to control the bacteria, which was the cause in the end. i get the odd one but it is no where near how it was and it is something i can now, finally, control. i can maintain.
but this was months after the relationship had even started and now, i can finally breathe. i can relax even. the little breakouts i get are so manageable. i can take my makeup off around him and even get changed infront of him, which is something i would never have done before. i feel like a weight has been lifted.
but now, of course there are other things on my mind. there always are. but that’s just the disease isn't it. the mental disease that so many of us have yet so many of us do not talk about.
I am happy. i just hope at lasts.
