the best of ron swanson.
a collection of writing prompts based on things said by ron swanson of parks and recreation. feel free to edit as you see fit to match pronouns, names, etc. meant exclusively for roleplay purposes!
"never half-ass two things. whole-ass one thing."
"the less i know about other people's affairs, the happier i am."
"i'm not interested in caring about people."
"i like saying no. it lowers their enthusiasm."
"i would prefer she ask for my permission so i can say no."
"i was born ready. i'm [first] fucking [last]."
"i am not a sore loser. it's just that i prefer to win, and when i don't, i get furious."
"if you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?"
"because it doesn't exist, because that's nonsense, because you're an adult."
"i do not approve of this."
"i gave her a kind nod."
"everything i do is the attitude of an award winner, because i've won an award."
"i was talking to the ribs."
"not to worry, i have a permit."
"i can do what i want."
"normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, i'd choose to do nothing. but i will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. i'd work all night if it meant nothing got done."
"you people have no idea what you're talking about."
"that's funny. somebody just told me you were queen of the gays."
"uh, thank you... for this. uh, this all good. night good. uh..."
"i know more than you."
"when people get too chummy with me, i like to call them by the wrong name to let them know i don't really care about them."
"i hope the rest of your day is cool beans."
"i came here for the same reason people go to the zoo."
"i once thought i had a friend. then it turned out he was the single worst person i have ever met."
"just give me all the bacon and eggs you have."
"please do not approach me on the street."
"when i eat, it is the food that is scared."
"there's been a mistake, you've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."
"is this not rap?"
"you had me at meat tornado."
"i know what i'm about, son."
"anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that i am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. end of speech."
"i can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves."
"i can't go because i don't want to."
"i don't think so. i think we're gonna be fine."
"i cracked the bottom of the toilet bowl."
"he might have just disappeared off the earth."
"i wish this office had only walls."
"since i am not a rabbit, no, i do not."
"counteroffer. you take me nowhere, and i talk to no one."
"why is everyone else so bad at eating?"
"losing on purpose is a form of lying."
"i hate everything."
"everything before that was a mistake."
"do you see the problem here?"
"keep your tears in your eyes where they belong."
"i suffer from a disorder called sleep fighting."
"there will be alcohol there, so i will go as well."
"creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie."
"i'm a simple man. i like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food."
"when did kids get so interested in fun?"
"well, this is great."
"i'm heading home, so as to not have to be here anymore."
"we have one activity planned. not getting killed."
"on principle, i never say anything that another person is obviously trying to get me to say."
"people are idiots, [name]."
"what's it like to stare into the eye of satan's butthole?"
"i regret nothing. the end."
"i regret everything."
"i'm not sure i'm interested in that. no, i am sure, i'm not interested in that."
"this is my hell."
"i hate the public. the public is stupid."
"i would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings."
"i don't want to seem overdramatic, but i really don't care what happens here."
"my friends know i have a strict no call policy."
"i don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum."
"i used a fake name. les. les vegetables."
"usually i take it neat, but i will make an exception in the name of health."
"literally everything is a weapon."
"i love nothing!"