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Love Begins
One Nice Bug Per Day

JVL

#extradirty
Three Goblin Art
Misplaced Lens Cap
Not today Justin
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@supernaturalmysticles
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I was so near, yet now it feels so far. What have I been fighting for? Maybe my goal was all wrong. Everything was so close, yet now it feels unreachable. It almost feels better to just give up whatever I have. I was trying so hard to be happy and contented. I dont even know whatâs all these for now.
2020. It was a year of healing, self realization for me. Circuit breaker wasnât easy. Despite having more time to myself, it just meant I had more time to overthink and reconsider all the life choices I made, especially the bad ones. Took the chance to wipe out all, well most, of the stuff that causes my anxiety and breakdowns. Despite all of that, Iâm thankful I still had to work from home. CB really challenged me to plan classes out of the box and figure out new ways to teach. Out of all these, I emerged stronger, more self-aware of my strengths and weaknesses. 2021 might be a breeze, might be chaotic, we wouldnât know, but Iâm sure we all have better ways to deal with it. (at Singapore) https://www.instagram.com/p/CJfVlMKlx9kto0sOAXCuormWHFvvehVIYedY7Q0/?igshid=1y2cdzihv4x34
So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans. (at Cape Leuwin, Perth) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHUgREhFpyMPtd_Ksw8Ac0eQ5Ju77nSuI6vK1U0/?igshid=11we0epn0b2ci
How to be myself when I donât even know who I am?
On the day that you were born, did you know who you are?
You may not have had words and concepts to explain and define who you are, but your experience of you was 100% present.
You didnât know you were a human being.
You didnât know you had a gender.
You didnât know you were separate from the world that you experienced around you.
You didnât know you had a name or what a name even was.
You couldn't explain who you are, but you knew.
That knowing wasnât a concept or an idea. It was a feeling.
And that you changed from one moment to the next. You cried. You laughed. You slept. You got angry. You were hungry. You were content.
You were all of those things.
You just were.
As you developed, you began to make more sense of the world.
You realized you were separate from the world.
You realized other people existed and you had different relationships to different people.
You learned to associate a particular sound as your name.
You learned to identify with your gender.
In spite of all the things you learned, you were still you, but you had now adopted a whole lot of beliefs as you that werenât actually âyouâ.
Over time, you began to increasingly identify with your physical and mental form.
You began to assume your preferences and inclinations were you.
You came to see your strengths and weaknesses as you.
You used your results and the reactions of others as a mirror to draw even more conclusions about you.
Little by little, defined yourself more and more sharply.
âThis is what I am and that is what Iâm not.â
In this way, you lost sight of who you really are (and have always been).
Because who you are isnât an entity.
Who you are isnât something solid and permanent.
Rather, who you are is an expression of life itself.
You change from one moment to the next and you hold within you all possibilities from love to hate, from generosity to selfishness, from beauty to ugliness.
In reality, you are all those things. You always were and you always will be.
You just lost track of who you are when you convinced yourself that you are âsomethingâ.
But no one is âsomethingâ, because we are all everything.
Trying to find something tangible to call âyouâ is the reason you lost your way in the first place.
So take a step back and let go of the need to define and explain who or what you are.
You will soon spontaneously return to the natural flow of who you really are.
So just⌠be.
Retrieved from Quora, Antti Vanhanen
Day 13 11.08.19
I guess I got the closure I wanted. And I also realised Iâve changed quite a bit these two years. Time to look for myself again:)
Day 8 6.8.19
é˝çąéŁäšäš äşďźćĺ˝ćĺďźä˝ĺż 莊čŞĺˇąĺčŚĺ˘ďź
It saddens me seeing how you are torturing yourself. Iâll trust you, please trust me too. Weâll be better.
Day 5 3.8.19
2am, I canât sleep. I canât go out without thinking of you. It just feels so weird to call you my ex- itâs so unreal. Past few days waking up have been like having someone punching me in my chest. I wish i was dreaming instead. Itâs weird how after the first two days I had been having deeper sleeps- no dreams, no waking up in the middle of the night. Maybe my body just wants to stay that way, not waking up to feel the pain. It hurts babe, it really does. Can we not do this anymore, please?
Day 3 1.8.19
        1st August 2019, supposedly our 2 year and 11th month together. Maybe it was not that simple, that you wanted to focus on your career. I guess you long felt we werenât suitable- you just did not tell me. I wish you did, instead of giving me false hope by making me count the gifts and telling me we would get married when it reached number 13th. Or checking out the houses and making plans with me to apply for the BTO in November. Or even booking our trip which was supposed to be next week.
         Anyway, yesterday was the day I felt true betrayal. Itâs saddening cos itâs from someone I trusted, someone i looked up to and listened to for advice. I should have trusted my gut-feelings. Now thinking back, I did sense something was wrong as words always did not tally. But I decided to forgo that doubt and trust, believing that I should respect the elders, and trusting that she would not be wrong, since she was such a strong believer of God. Boy was I wrong, so what if she had constantly been using the words of Him, to teach, give advice and suggestions. Words have come back to me. I now know the rumours that have been gossiped about me. Super untrue events and characteristics about me have been talked about and spread around. Words about me being unemployed, words about me being clingy, words about me not helping out and not having a home to return to.Â
          I have no words. I had been facing trouble connecting with the people at home, that is true. It was my foolishness to think that I could have found a better environment, a warmer home with delicious homecooked food. I tried to balance- maybe in otherâs eyes I did not do enough. Maybe washing your car, spraying paint to cover the scratch marks, barbequing for the entire family and friends for 3 hours, baking for your and your brother;s birthday, going to church on events like baptism and christmas even though Iâm a freethinker, praying for the ghost festival and trying my best to help despite being scolded by strangers, making a dish every single time for family pot luck, ordering clothes for all your siblings including you for new year, paying for medical herbs, going out last minute and visiting multiple despite being tired from work to find that one desired sweater for your brother, having to wash dishes despite having tons of work undone- was not enough. I was foolish to think I was accepted, that every word and invitation to your family events were genuine. I did not expect the fear of turning down invitations and the fear of appearing rude to be seen as âclingyâ and that âI do not have a homeâ. My passion for children, my related job- I did not know that that was not seen as a job. I had been independent enough, not needing to seek help for my finances, neither did I have any debts that your family had to pay off for me. I feel unjust with all these untrue words said and spread about me.Â
          Indeed, I am a clingy girlfriend. But if it canât be accepted that my love for you is overflowing, 100% and pure. Despite all the flaws, all the fights, all the mistakes, I stayed by your side when you needed help. I complained and nagged a lot as I have difficulty managing my anxiety and worries. I love you, I want to see you- that simple. Just like how you used to find me at my workplace everyday. Why did you make that choice? Are you a clingy boyfriend? Maybe you are but I loved it that way. We were not fearful of how people looked at us. We were genuine about our love, not beating around the bush or playing games.Â
          I guess all that changed. I just wonder how much of all these you knew, or even if you knew did you defend me? Or maybe you are tired of defending me. I just wish you opened your heart and not get so affected by the judgements of what people say about our relationship. I wish you werenât so affected when people made sarcastic comments about us meeting often and having fun. Is not that what love is meant to be? Yes it can be serious- we did have our fair share of job drama and breakdowns, but I believe itâs also meant to be fun, itâs for us to make memories, visit new places. We shared the same vision about exploring while we were young. Yes, I pressured you about settling down, but that does not mean I did not want to have fun anymore. I believe we have the capacity to create work life balance. It did not have to be so extreme.
           Our love was fearless.
Day 1 30.7.19
       Today is the first day after you told me your decision that we should end. Itâs still hard. I have to force myself to stop thinking but I still do. Two more days to our supposedly 2 years and 11 months. But I guess it was too unbearable to stay. I canât help self reflecting and thinking about all the moments I could have done better or said nicer words. I was not encouraging or supportive enough. I just thought I was. I constantly used threatening words and made the self-fulfilling prophecy came true. When that was not what I wanted at all. I took it for granted that you could take it,
       Maybe you feel itâs for the better, for you to focus this way. I just wished you talked to me more- I could not guess whatâs in your mind. I just talked to your brother and he feels equally or more confused. I thought we have the capacity to juggle more than two aspects of our lives: why does it have to be separate? I do feel that you are being too harsh on yourself. Youâre actually doing great, more than enough.Â
      Take care of yourself, HTC. Love you.
Ayeeeeee. Brilliant photography by @babuuphie (at Marina Bay Sands) https://www.instagram.com/p/BzJzLD4FjIa/?igshid=dgiivoqun7ek
Peekaboo! (at National Gallery Singapore) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwEDDz2lyh4/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ub1y68gxpck7
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions. (at Gardens by the Bay) https://www.instagram.com/p/BuybgnElI8h/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=33v4s1cfl3nu
You may not see the end result, you just gotta do it with faith. (at ćžłé¨, Macau) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bukob5HlbPm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=q0fzr14vmp8u
Catch my first youtube video! I decided to do this cos many people asked me how to use guasha massage tools on the face. Hope this helps! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B9sOY9EXo0 (at Asia/Singapore) https://www.instagram.com/p/BprIUUSFC4j/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1upk74u0mr0r6
Catch my first youtube video! I decided to do this cos many people asked me how to use the guasha massage tools on the face. Let me know if thereâs anything I can improve on! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B9sOY9EXo0 (at Asia/Singapore) https://www.instagram.com/p/BprHpy1F-EZ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=w1elc0apj96o