In Search of...Sanae-Sue

A blog about me, a Black and Japanese woman from LA, and my journey to reunite my family in the States to my family in Japan, with knowledge of only a few names and places.  

[superquarterwater]

Checking in!  I am 3 hours away from Tokyo and all is well.  I spent the 1st 3 hours sleep, which surprised the heck out of me given that I slept hours before and figured I would be so freaked out by the turbulence that I would not be able to sleep.  I was able to change my seat without being changed $200.  Although business class would have been great, the window in the very LAST row of the plane was NOT HOT.  How dare they!

I spent the other few hours clearing unwanted pictures from my phone, a task I have been trying to do literally for YEARS.  There were almost 3k of those things in there!

I also spent some time just listening to music.  I brought a myriad of books and downloaded a bunch of Netflix episodes that I probably will not even read/watch given that we are 3 hours away from Japan.    I tried to make better use of my time, even spent $4 on today’s Wall Street Journal, but nothing beats me and my music on a flight, man…

The other time has been spent writing this journal.  I am now going to watch a documentary on the proper preparation and consumption of sushi.  I’ll check back in when I land!  Pray for me! <3

a gif from my favorite part of the genius stop-motion movie, Isle of Dogs

[superquarterwater]

I am off!  I woke up on time, kissed my mother goodbye, accepted her gift of travel-money, reorganized my suitcases, made breakfast, ordered a Lyft instead of a Lyft line, got to the airport around 3 hours before my flight.  The turbulence in the LAX to SFO flight was kinda horrible.  I have a new fear of flying (that I am getting over) that I did not have when I was a consultant and flying two times a week.  The 11 hour flight is what I dread the most.  I have been asking everyone, even strangers, for tips of conquering my fear of flying.  Pray for me.

[superquarterwater]

I shared the great news with my mom and prepared mentally for my upcoming trip.  Every 20 minutes, someone in the office or in my social media networks was asking me about my trip.  It felt real.  

My team threw me a going-away happy hour at a bar I selected and, despite it being a shared occasion for a colleague that wasn’t my best friend, to say the least ;), it was great.  I didn’t care.  It was great to be around so much and to be celebrated.  We do not often feel us growing up, it just happens.  That day felt like I was moving on and up.  

I shared my thank you cards for my team and headed to the airport to land in LA.  I flew out of LA instead of the city of my current residence SF because it is much cheaper.  Plus, it gave me an opportunity to be at home with my mom.  I knew I would be coming home late at night and it would just be us two share great energy of expectation and blessings for my upcoming coming-of-age trip.  It was just that.  She shared her well wishes and I felt less guilty that she could not make the trip or that we were not making this trip together.  Her manager even gave me a generous gift of some travel money.  

I have been blessed by so many people on this trip.  Everyone knows why I am going and wants to help.  They believe in me.  My team created a chat channel where they dumped all of their suggestions they gathered from their trips to Japan and answered a bunch of pressing questions I had about visiting.  One of my teammates saved me from buying a cheap camera I KNEW I would not have appreciated and let me borrow hers (it is AMAZING!).  My team also didn’t ask questions when I kinda pissed away my last week of work by planning for the trip.  My manager actually caught me scrolling through Japanese addresses and asked with a smile, “Are you ignoring me?  How is trip planning going?”  I am truly blessed…or just naive :P!

I am even blessed to be able to spend a night with my family before my trip to escape the burden of a higher flight cost.  Time considering, it probably amounted to the same, but meeting up with my mom before the trip was priceless and well worth the time spent.

I am glad I did not try and leave from SFO to LAX and then LAX to NRT on the same day, because my SFO to LAX trip was delayed by an hour!  I could not have imagined missing my trip by trying to make it trip cheaper! #FreeGame

Before my flight to LA, I listed out what I want to do while on vacation.  True it is vacation, but I want to keep my skills strong and develop some habits I have been wanting to adopt now that I do not have the distraction of work or San Francisco…or crappy boys:

30 minutes of exercise --> may be satisfied by all of the walking in the humidity I will be doing these next few weeks

15 minutes of meditation

1 hour of coding

Daily goal of Japanese/Italian language studying with the app Duolingo

30 minutes mapping out my non-9-to-5-work business plans

Prayer on my knees

[superquarterwater]

“Arigato, [great-aunt’s name]*.  Watashi wa Ryan.”

I FINALLY MADE CONNECTION!  After getting my aunt’s number from the lawyer I was stressed out with the question, “How the hell am I going to communicate that I am coming and want to see her?  I don’t speak Japanese and she does not speak English!”.  I had spent the week before calling a myriad of restaurants for a reservation after the Japanese Mountain Day holiday, so I knew how to make calls to Japan.  I just knew I had to be on 3-way with a translator and was not sure how my phone would support that.  I had got the number so fast that I didn’t have the time to think through what I would do with the number.

I thought of asking a former manager, but one of the reasons I was leaving my job was because of her, so I ruled asking her for anything, especially something this personal and important to me OUT!  I’ve got a big ego, what can I say.  I was also confident that I could find someone else who I was comfortable sharing this complicated familial history with.

My job has a map that everyone in the company can pin to identify their hometown.  I looked for the Japanese on that map and found a coworker.  I reached out to him but he was not going to be available for another three days.  Time was of the essence since I was going to be leaving the next week.  I also did not want to weird out a colleague I didn’t know.  No need to bring anyone else in the drama!

I then thought of bringing in the lawyers who gave my mom my great-aunt’s contact, but ruled that out once my mother said that they spoke very little English.

I even tried texting my great-aunt’s number and leveraging Google Translate, but discovered online that accepting international SMSs had to be manually configured on my great-aunt’s phone.  She is around 60 or 70 and presumably not tech-savvy, given that she does not have an email, so I ruled this out.

Then it hit me!  My former classmate who I still have contact with and speak with every once in a while who knows I am going to Japan and that I plan to reconnect with family while I am there studied abroad.  I asked him via text during work hours and he texted back immediately that his Japanese was not great as he had not used it in years but that he would be willing to prepare and do his best.

I called him.  Shared the story of our family history and what I wanted to communicate to my great-aunt briefly and attempted to call my great-aunt on three-way.  

“Arigato, Toshiko.  Watashi wa [my name].”

“[my name]!”  

I do not remember what my great-aunt said after that, but I do remember her being excited.  I do remember asking if she knew English to which she laughed and responded, “No English.”

That’s when I tagged in my old classmate.  The three-way call worked!

“Hey [former classmate’s name].  You can go ahead.”

He began and what commenced was something beautiful.  It was the moment I had been dreaming about forever.  I did not care that I was at work, who was around me.  I was one step closer to reconnecting with my Japanese family, something I have not done since I was eight years old and my great-aunt visited my family in Los Angeles at our house and gifted me a fur coat and hair clips.  She did not know English back then either.

We agreed on a date and time and said thank you and bye to eachother a million times.  So much so that, despite my excitement, thought, “Alright!” and had to hang up.  The conversation went about 30 minutes and my jaws hurt from smiling so much.  I felt so relieved and regained hope that I was going to be able to go to Japan and do what I had always dreamed.

*Name removed to protect identities

[superquarterwater]

My uncle finally responded!

This text came a day after my mom’s email:

I did not tell my mom, so I felt guilty that I went to my uncle before I went to her.  I didn’t want to tell too much of my family, because a lot of them are having financial struggles.  I feel guilty traveling to Japan without them before helping them out, especially since they have done so much for me, but I have to remind myself that I cannot help everyone right now.  I also believe that me taking this trip will allow me to bless my family in so many ways later down the road.  It makes me more cultured, which changes the opportunities I get and the people I surround myself.  It also makes me happy, builds my independence, signifies a goal accomplished, and is an educational opportunity.  This trip is one of my dreams and the 1st 2-week vacation I have had…ever.  I work for a company with unlimited paid time off but give them all my free time and do not take advantage of this essential benefit reasonably.  It can be abused, but I have been cheating myself by not using the time to recharge.  Time is our most precious asset and the opportunity to take trips this far away and for this long do not come around often, so I have got to take full advantage of it.  I’m single af but maybe soon I will not be.  While I have no kids and no husband, I’m going!  And I plan to reestablish the connection between my Japanese and American families.  I believe it is one of my purposes, because it is motivation for the work I do every day.  I am constantly searching for myself and internal and external peace and joy (which I have only recently been looking at as stronger and more long-lasting than happiness) and believe this trip will get me closer to that.

To bring it back, I am absolutely excited to reach out.  I asked my mom what my uncle in Japan who my uncle in Chicago reached out to felt about my visit.  She shared that he did not want anything to do with us and ended her statement with, “And rightfully so.”  

Feeling another argument coming on between my mother and I, I paused and thought about the response to give her.  That one was: “Why do you say that?” 

Her response was one that I had been looking for for a long time.  She began recollecting the details of my grandmother’s upbringing and how there came to be a gap in the relationship between my American and Japanese families.  The story seems to develop as I mature and ask more questions or offer, “What do you mean.  That doesn’t add up.”

What I grew up knowing was that after the bombing my maternal great-grandfather married a woman other than my maternal great-grandmother because he thought she died.  I never knew if they reconnected or the validity of that story because it seemed unrealistic af.  I believed it for so long without questioning it because my maternal family was always very dismissive of my questions when I asked.  I also believed it slightly, because there were no smart phones, Facebook, whatever.  Even in a travesty today, people can be relocated by sharing their locations on their phones or calling them.  I assumed that my maternal great-grandfather was separated from my maternal great-grandmother the day of them bomb because he was working or something.  I assumed the family’s house was destroyed and he assumed they perished with it.  I also believed that my maternal great-grandmother, following the assumption that my great-grandfather was out on work, believed he died wherever he was because he did not return home.  I never questioned this story until one of my mentors whom I respect and hold high as one of the smartest people I know questioned, “How did they get separated in the first place.”  I never knew how to answer that and felt horrible not being able to answer this question about my own family for him or myself.  It sounded like a lie.

In the most recent conversation with my mom about this, she shared that my great-grandfather was fighting the war and that my grandmother was living with him at the time (which still doesn’t make any damn sense).  The bomb happened, and he assumed his wife had died, so he married another woman.  When he discovered that his wife and my great-aunts and uncles were still alive years later, he was already so in love with his new wife.  My questions after this are, “Why was my grandmother the only one living with him?  Were my great-grandfather and great-grandmother already having issues in their marriage?”  I did not ask any further questions, because I do not think my mother knows, despite her sured tone and did not want to offend her by saying, “Mom, it’s okay to say you don’t know.”

Anyway, she continued.  She then began to talk about our relationship with my uncle who my Chicago uncle reached out to.  I did not find out my grandmother had another kid in Japan before my grandfather until she passed.  My maternal family just never talked about him.   Trust me, I am just as weirded out by this too…

She shared that my grandmother was raped and had my uncle, my mom’s half-brother, before marrying my grandfather.  She said she wanted to take him to America but that my great-grandfather did not want her to 1) leave to live with a Black man in American and, 2) take his grandson to live with a Black man in America.  My mother said that my great-grandfather threatened to sue my grandmother and that my grandmother would never win, because no judge in Japan post-war with America would allow a young Japanese boy to be taken to live with a Black man in America.  

So, she didn’t take him.

I questioned then how she knew that the person my Chicago uncle reached out to was truly my uncle and her half-brother.  She said she’s seen him on the trip she took to Japan for three months when she was a child.  My questions now are, “How in the hell are you able to recognize him now, 40+ years later?”  She then shared how when they went out, he never wanted to meet with the family.  My question in my head that I did not ask out of respect for her was, “So did you meet him or did you not?”  The 1st statement does not agree with the second.  How did you see him if he never wanted to connect while you all were there…for 3 months?!

I don’t know man, but I know I am looking forward to speaking to my great-aunt whose contact I DO have.  My mother had to go through the lawyers she went through to get my grandmother’s information during her death.  I am praying that this works.

The discovery of my great-aunt’s number and address made me forget about my uncle’s justified aversion to speaking with me.  I understand.  I forgive him and sorry he feels pain from the situation.  Who am I say how he should feel towards me.  I have no clue what growing up without a mother and father was like.  Knowing that you were the product of rape, and to make you feel even more of an accident, your mother leaves you AND her home country to live with a Black man in the enemy country.  Mom’s words were right, “…rightfully so.”

[superquarterwater]

After weeks of radio silence, I finally reached out to my aunt, asking her basically, “Where tf is my uncle!?  I take this trip in less than a month and I’ll be damned if I travel all the way to Japan without connecting with my family all because my uncle was being lazy.”  

I was making a ton of assumptions, especially know I’m lazy af and probably would have given the same, if not less, attention if I was being asked to make a connection.  This connection is a particularly hard one too since there is a language barrier, and oh, yeah, decades of family drama.

I texted, called and got nothing…hopefully I will hear something from my uncle or aunt soon.  

As I waited for her response, my friend in Europe texted asking for a few things:

For us to speak 

Milan suggestions

My place while he looks for his place

Unfortunately, I did not apply the same amount of urgency to his request as I was begging my uncle to do.  Hypocritical af, I know.  We’re human.  We try.  This was a reminder to be patient…it’ll happen if it’s destined.  

I’ll keep y’all updated.  Pray for me.

[superquarterwater]

I’ve been gone for a while...but I’m back...

So, after changing my flight the 1st time for my friend, my friend came BACK and said he was leaving earlier than he thought.  I, at that time, felt like I changed my flight for nothing.  Time went past and talking back and forth was a lot less, but still pretty frequent.  

Then, I got a new job...

I didn’t want to start the job, be there for a month, then leave for two weeks, so I changed my flight, AGAIN!  So now, I am going 2 months ahead of schedule.  I have ONLY booked my flight.  I’m so far behind, but I’ve got to get to it!

I have solicited some advice on places from friends and am looking forward to these suggestions: 

Godzilla Hotel:

Daiwa Sushi:

Afuri Ramen:

I’m so geeked!  It hasn’t hit me that I’m actually going!

I still haven’t got in touch with my Japanese family.  My uncle was supposed to make the introduction, but just ghosted me.  I’ve called three times now to receive a voicemail.  I resorted to calling his wife, my aunt, and received the same.  I guess I have to resort to my own methods: looking at all bars in Nagasaki via Maps and Yelp and using Google Translate to ask, “Do you know Tos**** Y****?,” to innocent bystanders in Nagasaki.  Should be fun 0.0.  

I know my aunt owns a bar and I know I have a pic of her in my phone.  I don’t know what her bar is called or where in Nagasaki it is, but I’m hoping Yelp or the locals can help me out...wish me luck...

PJ and I are both really excited that we actually get to kick it in Japan.  Now...away to booking!  I’ll keep you all updated...

[superquarterwater]

Place: work desk, San Francisco, CA I called my uncle to see what the hold up is on him connecting me with my aunt. Of course no answer. This is exactly why I just wanted the number. I don’t have time to waste. I’m waiting on connecting with my family before I make any further Japanese travel plans. C’mon Unc

[superquarterwater]

“If I had to agree to live in one country, or even one city, for the rest of my life, never leaving it, I’d pick Tokyo in a second,” said the Great.

Tony, you will be missed. When I think to the calmest times in my life, they involve my family and I all sitting in one bed and watching the world through your culinary lenses. I’m sad to hear you have left physically but know that your curious spirit and respect for cultures will be alive and well as I traverse your favorite city this year, God Willing. Rest In Peace. 👨🏼‍🍳🍱🍛🍡🍵🍽🥢🍶⛩🗾💴♨️🇯🇵

Naturally, here’s a song from a playlist of hits that inspired his show, Parts Unknown. Peep the entire playlist via Apple Music here. 

[onlyusefulphrases]

Relatable. 

[superquarterwater]

Place: bed, San Francisco, CA

Lmfao!

I have been learning Japanese through Duolingo, and so far (2 days) so good! I can write teriyaki (てりやき) and sushi (すし)! Lol. Two down, a few thousand to go :).

I have been talking and sharing shots with PJ everyday since we reconnected. This has made me feel even more that dudes that don’t respond back to ya really don’t care about ya that much because we’re not letting literally being almost a day apart with the time difference be a factor. Somehow we manage to exchange at least a few sentences everyday for the past few weeks. Can’t wait to be there.

Song for this post:

[superquarterwater]

Place: bed, San Francisco, CA 

Update to my list of things to do before my trip! 

Get travel approved by my manager <-- despite already buying the ticket…OOoops! :)) Update: IT’S APPROVED

Learn a lil Japanese <-- just completed the 1st 2 lessons of Japanese language in the Duolingo App

Renew passport <– application submitted today! Should be here in 4-6 weeks! Had to get my passport pic updated because it was a MESS! 

Get grandma’s sister’s contact from my uncle <– my uncle said he would reach out for me on my behalf…I would rather speak to them myself, but, I guess I’ll humble myself and let him establish the connection 

Get refund for ticket change fee incurred <-- need to reach out to my physician

Contact grandma’s sister 

Plan trip finances <-- downloaded a currency converter app, because 37,500 yen scares me and IDK how much that is in USD and need to be able to identify this quickly when I slip into travel delirium and ignore my budget and spend just to spend and justify it with “BITCH, I’M IN JAPAN!”

Finalize travel plans <-- Septembuhhhh!

Buy Japan Rail Pass 

Book living accommodations 

Buy trip necessities (need to make a list; planning to travel light, so I can fake ball out in tha mall…ya know…vanity slave ish) 

Buy disposable cameras! <-- (Kind of a hypebeast post, and I’m not sure this line is different from the item before it, but I think non-digital pics would look cool. This is also the inspiration behind the song for this post!) Convert greenbacks to yen (*rack it up rack it up*) 

Get my hair braided (with Black beauticians, trust me, this is a task in itself) <-- just booked the appointment!  That is an ordeal in itself.  For this, I am quite happy.

[superquarterwater]

Place: my bed, San Francisco, CA

Just experienced one of the worst things ever to a blogger: getting to the end of my post and having tumblr crash. Damn tumblr app…

ANYWAY

Let’s try this AGAIN!...

PJ’s return home was confirmed and they conflicted with my original travel dates. I contemplated changing but knew September was the most realistic due to other travel plans and the fact that 2018 has been SPEEDING by.  He kept saying how terribly sorry he was and how he wanted to figure out a way that we could hang out before he returns home from the Navy. 

I told him how he didn’t need to feel guilt and that it would be difficult for me to change it, although I knew deep down I would figure out a way, the change wouldn’t be hard at all, and that I was going to bear the cost.

I have been trying to live without regret a little more. If this was a domestic trip, I probably would have said, “Yeah, sorry, I’m definitely going to miss you! See next time!,” but I stayed up a little over an hour searching and trying to convince airline reps and made a fix because catching him on that side is important. True, some people may call me thirsty for changing my travel plans for a dude, but it’s more than that. I’ve enjoyed getting to know him and I do not foresee me ever experiencing life in Japan for the 1st time through a friend I have known since I was 8. 1) I’ll never experience Japan for the 1st time twice, because time doesn’t work like that and 2) I hope to be married soon, and I doubt, and hope, my future husband will allow me to traverse another country without him and instead with a hometown friend. I say all of this single af, but I pray marriage is in my future before 40.

I chose Rihanna’s Same Ol’ Mistakes for this post, because when I bought my ticket I KNEW I should have purchased travel insurance, but I keep trying to think my impulsive ass is smarter than the system. It is not. That’s why airlines are rich and I’m constantly paying for my mistakes lol. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to change flights of mine in the past. Just last year being the most recent and it was an international flight too, like this one. This new flight kinda saves me money too, since I now do not have to buy a flight from SFO to LAX. Travel tip, if you are living in SFO and are traveling to Japan, the flight is ALWAYS cheaper from LAX. If you can figure out a way there, you can save yourself a few hundred dollars. Sure, you’ll spend more time heading down and run the risk of having the SFO to LAX flight be rescheduled and jeopardizing your unprotected LAX to Japan flight, but, if you don’t mind spending some days in LA before your trip to Japan, I definitely recommend flying to Japan out of LAX instead of SFO.

Back to the notion of living without regrets though: I didn’t want the fear of people, or even PJ, thinking I’m thirsty or making me feel ashamed from getting the most out of my 24s. 24s was intended to mean days, but I’m also 24 soooo it works haha. 24s could also mean this age. I want to get the most out of being 24. This is the youngest I will ever be.

I also didn’t feel ashamed because I knew there’s a high chance of me getting the change fee refunded (add that to my list of things I need to do for this trip: get a doctor’s note for the refund to save them DOLLA$$!). PJ was also pretty remorseful about not being able to have a confirmed date of his departure before booking my trip. He even expressed wanting to figure out how we could hang before he returned home from the Navy. If he were to say “Yeah, I’m not going to be here. Sorry,” and left it at that, I would have merrily kept my travel plans. Because he did not and for the reasons I mentioned, I will merrily change them because I do a lot for my friends and my happiness. Near my retirement, I’m not going to miss these $120 that I will most likely will get waived anyway, but if I didn’t make this expenditure and kept my original travel dates, I probably would never get to know what Japan through an old friend’s eyes looks like while in my early 20s. I got a few more years of my 20s left lol…

Also, I have been enjoying speaking to him since reconnecting. Everyday for the past few weeks we’ve chatted via Snapchat despite timezone differences. I’m not putting too much on it, just appreciating getting to know someone I only knew on the surface for about 17 years now.

I am seeing other friends and family, so check this out: I get to see Japan through each of their perspectives. This is going to be dope af. And in different cities throughout Japan:

- my family in Nagasaki, born and raised in Japan, some members even experienced the atomic bombing of their hometown while they were in it - a Black female former classmate who has been working (and seeing a lot of success) in Japan for a few years, which is absolutely inspiring to me - a Black Navy sailor servicing our country abroad for the past few years - a Black family friend who spontaneously decided to leave the US and work and live in Osaka

I am very privileged and eternally grateful.

[superquarterwater]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/5PTG6rrL6EPFD9E2QMI2pl?si=j7gnVk70Rfem7hMMWbIFhA)

Place: work desk, San Francisco, CA

The song is TRASH, but I can’t get it out of my head!  It’s high-key pumping me up for my trip.

For this and all the songs I reference on my blog, peep the Spotify playlist, so you can jam with me in this journey!:

 Update on that list!

Get travel approved by my manager (despite already buying the ticket…OOoops! :))

Learn a lil Japanese

Renew passport <-- application submitted today!  Should be here in 4-6 weeks!  Had to get my passport pic updated because it was a MESS!

Get grandma’s sister’s contact from my uncle <-- my uncle said he would reach out for me on my behalf...I would rather speak to them myself, but, I guess I’ll humble myself and let him establish the connection

Contact grandma’s sister

Plan trip finances

Finalize travel plans

Buy Japan Rail Pass

Book living accommodations

Buy trip necessities (planning to travel light, so I can fake ball out in tha mall…ya know…vanity slave ish)

Convert greenbacks to yen (*rack it up rack it up*)

Get my hair braided (with Black beauticians, trust me, this is a task in itself)

[superquarterwater]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/2XW4DbS6NddZxRPm5rMCeY?si=ute6DexsQCm40WcdamltJQ)

Place: work desk, San Francisco, CA 

as·sim·i·la·tion·ist

əˌsiməˈlāSHənəst/

noun

a person who advocates or participates in racial or cultural integration."the assimilationist policies of the right"

After returning from prayer, this was the word that popped on my screen saver as the Word of the Day.  None of this is by coincidence.  Not saying it’s God’s Plan, because I don’t know His plans...but I’m hoping I’m aligning with His plans...

[superquarterwater]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/05tFLPSXJ1BbqIXy4Jeqfh?si=hO5bDC0wRXSSpwk3P5MSbg)

Place: work desk, San Francisco, CA

No, this isn’t the end to the blog quite yet!  Since my 2nd post, I’ve had channel ORANGE’s “End” in my head.  The lyrics can’t fit what I’m about to explain to you in this post any better:

Darker times They’re telling boulder heavy lies Looks like all we’ve got is each other The truth is obsolete Remember when all I had was my mother She didn’t compromise She could recognize Voodoo Our daughters and our sons Are just candles in the sun Voodoo Don’t let him see divide Don’t you let her see divide Voodoo She’s got the whole wide world in her juicy fruit He’s got the whole wide world in his pants He wrapped the whole wide world in a wedding band Then put the whole wide world on her hands She’s got the whole wide world in her hands He’s got the whole wide world in his hands

Just got off the phone with my grandpa.  After chatting about his favorite player winning the Eastern Conference Finals for his team, I flipped the script and asked him to go down memory lane for a bit, without prep...

This is what he gave me...

(names have been redacted for privacy n ish).

I’ve got a few names and knowledge that my great aunt owns a bar in Nagasaki.  Next steps: 

1. Find out name of great aunt’s bar.

2. Find her contact.

3. Contact great aunt and tell her of my plans.

4. Schedule arrangements to meet her and my other family members.

I can just imagine the tons and tons of family I have there.  All the connections I could make.  All the things I could learn.  All the questions I could have answered.  This lets me know that that $770 flight was worth it.  This trip is priceless.  This was the perfect time...

[superquarterwater]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/2dXME00xUY1CRcMZsM3Y4q?si=OjQCOgpGRdOKP5KBhrK__A)

Place: work desk, San Francisco, CA

PJ’s a cool kid.  Skateboarder, Sailor in the US Navy, fellow Del Amo buddy, former classmate.  I was excited to share my travel plans with the homie.  We then shared Snapchat SNs and have been snapping our lives and sharing them with each other: his in Yokosuka, Japan, mine in San Francisco, CA, USA.  I planned my trip around the typhoons and his last weekend in Japan.  He’s been there for the past few years in service to our country.  He’s excited to return home but excited to spend his last week with a friend from home.  I couldn’t be more excited...

Maybe I’ve been stalking him on social media a bit, but I’m a bit shameless in that sense.  Not only will I be visiting a place I’ve always dreamed of, I’ll be partially under the guidance of a person I’ve known for more than half my life.  In the whole country, no one will be able to relate to me as well as he.  This is something I cannot say of my own family in Japan.  I also can’t help but think of my grandpa when I think of PJ.  My grandpa never had social media to document his time stationed in a foreign country as a Black man.  This is a huge time in PJ’s life.  My grandpa created a family from his time in Japan.  Even if PJ doesn’t do the same, whatever decision he makes next will be influenced by the country he’s called home for the better part of his 20s.  He’s surrounding by and contributing a lot of great energy.  Energy that won’t soon be forgotten.  Energy that influences mine.  Just because this is an exciting time for me, I’ve got to keep in mind, people won’t share my same enthusiasm about this :) . Promise not to annoy you off, PJ...if you’re reading! :)

[superquarterwater]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/0GAE689kVy7sFT2QWZH1Xa?si=i0wT6WTiRd_fYJa6mAH8RA)

Place: work desk, San Francisco, CA

Amongst a list of all the things I love, and there are a lot, music is towards the top.  These blog entries will be named after a song that either fits the jist of the entry or my mood while I was writing it.  You can find the link to the song at the top of each of my posts.  (I’d love to put it at the bottom, but Tumblr UI...)

As I mentioned in my last post, Japan has been number 1 on my travel list forever, but I only started getting serious about it two weeks ago.  Friday, two weeks ago, I attended a colleague’s going away party.  I have had maybe 3 full length convos in person and in 2/3 of those I was sober and he was the furthest from that.  Our interactions at his party consisted of him greeting me warmly, introducing me to his coworkers and popping a buzzed question: “Where are you traveling?  You should travel soon...”

Naturally, my response to my colleague was one that attempted to shield myself and my drama filled life: “Uhm, I’m planning to go to Australia and New Zealand this year...Not quite sure...but most likely those.”  I was lying.  I knew that statement was mostly false.

I move around a lot in the expensive ass Bay Area and am...was...trying to buy a house in 2019.  I have been working hard, building up savings and dealing with the burden of, “what are you investing your money in.”  In this real estate climate, it seemed like now or never to lock in something that I could give to my kids and live off of for a while.  Easier said than done...

I studied abroad in 2013 in Milan and traveled to Morocco, France, Czech Republic, England, Spain and though many places in Italy.  I attempted to go abroad again last year, but the Cuban Embassy lost my passport.  I sent it to them for a visa as I rushed to try and visit the country before Trump closes it back up.  I kept waiting for it to return as I saw that they had signed for it.  After MONTHS of emailing the Embassy, stalking its members on LinkedIn and FB and making my mom sit in the Embassy’s line in the torturous DC cold during her break there, I gave up and canceled my passport.  A year later it returned.  They finally sent it back...with the money order too!  

Unfortunately, my attempts to travel abroad were discouraged from this horrific experience that managed to even cause some tension between my mother and me.  I then became distracted with home buying and decided to become all about saving my money and keeping my ass in CA.  Plus, I did not feel the urge to travel internationally.  I had been to Europe and Mexico and Central America and Africa and felt that that was quite alright.  I gave Australia and New Zealand a thought, but the ideas kinda bored me.  Traveling solo to islands with predominately white men didn’t tickle my fancy too much.  So I convinced myself that I would wait until I got a better handle on the Japanese language before traveling to Japan, or anywhere else for that matter...

I’m a gemini though, so after a few convos with some friends (and a bit of FOMO) and realizing that my failed attempts at learning Japanese (joined and dropped a Japanese language class TWICE) were not going to change much, I finally said, “Screw it.  The time is now.”

I hopped on FB and did what I do anytime I am about to travel, searched “friends who live in [destination]”.  I pulled up 3.  My friends B, Lo and PJ (Names will be shortened or just flat out not real to protect identities; l’m open, but also a little risky.  Some people are smarter than me with their PII...) Everyone encouraged me to come out, but I felt the most in tuned in my convo with PJ.  I’ve known him the longest...