Tell me why you never did
I was watching a KDrama and there's this scene where the guy took the girl out in the club because the girl is feeling down. Even if it's not her thing. The girl was shy at first, refusing to dance with him because it was her first time and she preferred karaoke than club. But the guy said she'll have fun. The girl learned to enjoy the club and they had a great night. The girl suddenly forgot her sorrow even just for a night. That scene was supposed to be a cute-funny scene because the way they danced and the way they laughed. But here Im here crying for almost 10 minutes now. This is so far the most heart breaking cry that I did my whole life. I never expected I'd cry this much. Have you ever cried so hard that your heart is just pounding and you're catching your breath? Without any actual tears coming from your eyes but it burns? And you cannot scream because you're afraid your parents might hear you so you just bite your pillow instead. I am crying because Im asking myself why? Why didn't you even asked me to try your thing? I mean, clubbing is your thing. That's what makes you happy. That's where you earn your friends. For one whole year and a couple of months, we've been together. All those nights you spent with me just laying down in bed, why didn't you let me experience the fun you're enjoying there? Why didnt you let me? Why didnt you let me in your world? Is it because Im not that type of girl you can brag to your friends? Is it because I always dress up trashy when Im with you that I cannot enter the club? Is it because Im too ugly and too fat? Is it because Im not worth a night with you at the club? All those nights you told me to wait at your place alone while you go out with your friends, all those times we walked on the different side of the streets so no one could see us together, all those times that you asked me to wait for you to go down the elevator first and just meet you downstairs, all those moments that you told me not to hold your hand while we're in public, all those calls you ignored just because you're with your friends, all those messages you sent me saying you'll get back at me but it took you days... All of those are painfully flashing back at me. Even I don't want to remember them anymore. It's still coming back at me. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I hate that I still can't get over you. I hate that you still show you care but you never said you want me back. I hate that you can't tell me you don't love me anymore but you're still pushing me away. I hate that it's making me hate you. I hate hating you. I should've left you in 2016. You're causing me too much pain. I hope it's not too late. Goodbye.