in bloom @surf4ces - Tumblr Blog

I’m 25 and i still haven’t come to terms with my own sexuality. I used to be so madly in love with every boy who showed me attention now i get angry if they give me the slightest bit of it. I really don’t think I’m asexual but it’s like every day I’m slowly accepting that i don’t want to be with anyone. I’d fuck it up anyhow like i fuck up every relationship I’ve ever had

I used to have this irresistible sex appeal and now i don’t want anyone to touch me. I’ll lay in bed for an hour every night trying to cum before i give up and cry from frustration. How am i supposed to ever keep someone interested if i can’t offer sex? It used to be all i was. It’s all everyone wants me for. Now I’m useless

I desperately want a companion but every time i gain the confidence to hang out with someone it ends with them trying to stick their tongue down my throat and put their hands all over me. I panic and i leave their place or i hide in the bathroom until they take the hint and leave my apartment. It’s so beyond fucked up that I’m this dysfunctional and i can’t even let someone put their hands on me without feeling physically sick

I can’t figure it out. And i can’t afford therapy anymore. $300 a month out of pocket and i feel like it was going nowhere. I think i need to get off my medication. I just want to be who i used to be. I want to feel wanted and beautiful instead of a broken, pathetic girl that nobody wants

I’m in a really dark place. I don’t have any other outlet to express this without someone saying they’re worried about me. I don’t care about living anymore. I don’t care about anything. I’m not going to hurt myself. I just don’t care anymore

#dont read this

I fucked around and i think I’m addicted to Xanax again