SurrenderingToLife

Just a human. Trying to Untangle her thoughts, improve her life & when necessary accept life, as it is.

[surrenderingtolife]

I feel so angry and sad and hurt and frustrated and rage and apathetic and concerned and …. And and and

[surrenderingtolife]

i feel like I'm resorting and reorganizing my entire life right now. but not in a Type A , check list, mechanical way.

like in a messy, nonlinear , organized chaos, trust the process kinda way.

im alive

[surrenderingtolife]

Learning to live differently.

[surrenderingtolife]

El verdadero lujo en la vida es vivir sin prisa.

- Carol G

[surrenderingtolife]

It’s June.

It feels like the start of summer break

[surrenderingtolife]

5/26/26: day 1/90

doing a quick overview of yesterday. Doctors online say that the 90 day prior to conception should be called trimester zero and that what you do those 90 days impacts the health of the embryo/pregnancy. I am on the quest to be very intentional with these 90 days. I would like to be pregnant again in 90 days. is this possible.... I have no clue. took me a year to get pregnant last time but I am going to try anyways:

wins:

i went on a morning walk and walked 9k steps throughout the day.

i decreased flour intake. I did have half of pita bread for dinner and a tortilla at lunch. I did say no to frozen yogurt and rice/pasta.

i had more vegetables.

i went to bed a tiny bit earlier.

took vitamins in AM and PM

areas of growth:

drink more water

decrease flour more

go from two coffees to one

keep logging food in MyFitnessPal to help track things

pace myself more with time management and flow of day/stress less

[surrenderingtolife]

I did okay yesterday. I hit most of my to do list. The only one I didn’t do was laundry but no big deal. I relaxed and took a nap and also read a book.

Today I’m back to work after three day weekend.

It’s my half birthday today. Not that I celebrate it but I always take note. Passage of time thing.

36.5

Today I’m taking charge of my life.

[surrenderingtolife]

i need change but a different kind of change. not the usual shit.

[surrenderingtolife]

I have no long how long my fertility journey is going to be. I have had two losses. one of was a termination due to medical reasons and the other was a miscarriage. both broke my heart.

but nonetheless,,.. I have to keep living. my life is worth living despite the losses.

and no matter how long this process takes me, I don't want to feel like I stopped living my life because of it.

i don't want to stop living.

i cant give up.

[surrenderingtolife]

brain dumping to organize my day

i have a free day to myself.

non-negotiables today:

therapy apt at 12

do an everything shower

meal prep for the week- cook all those veggies I bought

have a carb detox day. stay away from carbs today to reset my gut

go on a walk- hit 10k steps

clean up common space

finish putting away laundry

do weekly planning worksheet "win the week" method

would be nice:

husband and I sit for a financial meeting discussion/decision

apply for a job (for husband) - we have a system where we both apply to jobs for him to increase chances of job acquisition

complete one report for my side buisness

find/research a journal/writing course - I need something outside of my job(s) and fertitlity journey. I am deeply considering taking some salsa dancing classes. its been like 12 years since I've done it... I used to be decent. but now....I have zero practice in forever.

[surrenderingtolife]

before I go into planning mode:

i should at least give myself credit for what I did well.

i reached out to some friends (avoiding total isolation)

i started a fight with my husband and then I apologized

i let him take me out of the house while I was spiraling

i i showered (multiple times)

i started reading a FICTION book

i never ever ever ever ever read fiction. I think the last fiction books I read were Harry Potter about ten ish years ago- when I reread the series while caring for my dad after a major stroke.

my husband pointed out to me that all I ever read are nonfiction books about my profession, productivity, self help and psychology. he pointed out that I don't have hobbies and I don't do anything that is for fun.

he pointed out that he sees that its related to the time we started having financial issues (caused by him/not me). he apologized. he told me he's really trying to fix it. which I know he is. he has another interview coming up next week. this might be his 13th interview or so in the last year. and probably his 500th application.

things in the USA are bleak right now. I am very privileged that I am well employed, have job security with amazing benefits and I make money in a side business I have. Its not by luck. I've work extremely hard buttttt a lot of people that are struggling have worked very very hard. and so many people are struggling. my husband has tons of work experience and (while he is employed at an utterly shitty ass job ) he cannot get a job that pays well and puts him at the level he was at before.

the problem with my husband and I is that we should truly be able to live off of what I make. HOWEVER, we have a tons of financial mess/debt/fuck ups (husbands bad decisions) to fix. so even though I make good income, it does not feel like it. to add to the mess of it all, the USA is living through a dumpster fire - financially but also socially, policitically and starting dumpster fires around the world.

we have always known that life is unfair and favors white rich men who give no fucks but MY GOD its so painful to watch it in real time and see the complete lack of accountability and justice.

it is impossibly painful to know that approx half the country voted for this. I digress but .... that's the backdrop to all the shit I have going on.

its like my spiraling in the context of a dumpster fire.

and yet and yet and yet.... I HAVE HOPE THAT..... I MAY FIND HOPE>

I CANNNOT GIVE UP> I CANNNNNNNNOT GIVE UP> I CANNOT.

[surrenderingtolife]

Well this past weekend was extremely difficult.

i felt overwhelmed 10/10. I really struggled to stay afloat.

ultimately I let myself have an extremely unproductive and overwhelmed weekend with tons of comfort food. it made me feel unwell and sick-ish and that is that.

i think that I had a very extremely reaction to the changes in my hormones. holy shit. its like my body was evacuated of feel-good hormones.

its Monday morning and its a holiday so no work today. all my work for my side business got cancelled and I don't even care.

today is my reset day.

I am not fucking around. i need a full full full reset day. I need to go into this next week with a full on reset because what happened this weekend cannot be my baseline. no fucking way.

i know that I don't respond to well to hard core discipline but sometimes its the only way I know how to mobilize myself.

there is so much I need to do and I don't know where to start . fuuuuuck.

imma be organizing my thoughts and orchestrating my master plan.

[surrenderingtolife]

Yesterday I draggggged myself out of the house. For a change of pace and a change of scenery.

It did help. It was very hard but it did help my brain shift.

[surrenderingtolife]

I’ve been crying on and off day. Just been having a horrible day.

Trying to pull myself out of it. Forced myself to take a shower.

I don’t want to sulk my life away but idk what to do exactly

[surrenderingtolife]

I just feel misunderstood. I have so many feelings inside of me and when I try to explain them they continuously are misunderstood.

I think I’m looking for someone to save me.

I have to remind myself no one is coming to save me.

[surrenderingtolife]

Hello there

[surrenderingtolife]

Took day off to take my dad to cardiologist .it was nice spending day with him.

Oncologist says he does not have cancer.

Cardiologist says he does not have heart failure.

We are back to zero answers.

Dad has multiple hospitalizations and a ton of horrible episodes of concerning symptoms.

And no answers.

Of course I’m glad they are ruling these things out but then… what caused all of it.

Anyway so the search continues.

I hope I get to keep my dad for many more years.

I need him still.

He’s my only living parent and as crazy as he is, he’s still my papi.