Hi Welcome To Chili’s

This url used to be a completely innocent Harry Potter reference until furries were a thing.

[binches-deactivated20220521]

[totallyfubar]

My girlfriend is on a cruise so while she’s gone I’m gonna cut the sleeves off of all my shirts

[nightstargalaxy]

why

[totallyfubar]

She’s pretty much 85% of my impulse control

[swampghouls]

me, pressing the side of my head into my cat’s side: you sound like a car… i love you, motor boy

[dalmascandwarf]

My favorite misunderstanding I’ve had to clear up so far was a Japanese person asking me about the word “fuck”. Because apparently someone had told him if he said “fuck” in America that he might be killed on the spot. Which I think is the funniest lie that I’ve ever heard

[pornusual]

damn how brave was he feeling when he asked you that

[hydrangeathief]

hozier: so yeah im releasing a new album this year and one of the songs is about falling in love at the end of the world and it’s heavily influenced by the current political climate and it’s called “wasteland, baby!” and i hope you like it :)

me, through tears: fucking superb you funky little dryad

[just-shower-thoughts]

Thor Ragnarok casually glossed over the fact that the Hulk spent 2 years murdering people for sport

[sansadaynes]

#it be like that sometimes

[hermionc]

#rip doug

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

Just found out there are two Bones in my shin, and two shins on my body. That’s four Bones. Fuck this shit

[bourtange]

dude thats not even the worst of it. go look up what your ribs are made of

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

OK, i will, but I’m warning you if it’s bones I’m gonna be so pissed off

[butchbuckys]

i havent seen some of these in any of the vine compilations ive watched so uhhh. here’s my own. 

[cajetaconmiel]

THIS COMPILATION IS ART

[botanyshitposts]

the thing about organic chemistry is that you finally get to use all the aesthetically pleasing mad scientist looking chemistry apperatuses that you’ve been waiting to use for years but when u finally get to use them they all turn out to do surprisingly boring things

[botanyshitposts]

behold, the radical-looking and DEEPLY aesthetically pleasing rotovap we used in lab today. ‘ooo what is it doing???’ u ask, as I also did. ‘surely this spits lightning or something. maybe it could even kill a man. this would be a formitabble opponent in the robot apocalypse’

but no. it turns out that the machine called ‘the rotovap’ just evaporates things faster….by rotating them

[bookeyman-deactivated20181213]

And you don’t enjoy that? You joyless corn shuck.

[botanyshitposts]

human brain: this machine is not nearly as cool in functionality as i anticipated

monkey brain: 

[sir-silent-screamer-deactivated]

[broadwayreprise]

Sara Bareilles and Josh Groban host the 72nd Annual Tony Awards

[taylortut]

peter retaliating against “baby monitor protocol” by changing the names of Tony’s Iron Man protocols

“hey FRIDAY, zoom in on that building over there”

“Old Man Bifocals protocol activated, Boss”

“what the fuck did you just say to me”

[taylortut]

“FRIDAY alert the team that my thrusters are down and i can’t fly”

“sure thing, activating I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up Protocol”

“PETER WE TALKED ABOUT THIS”

[spider-man-stan]

Tony: FRIDAY, open these encrypted files we don’t have a lot of time-

FRIDAY: activating the Fr E Sh A Voca Do protocol

Tony, sobbing: PETER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES THIS MEAN 

[taylortut]

AMAZING

[bluesocksandfluff]

-Peter gets hurt in a battle- FRIDAY: Bone Hurting Juice Protocol has been activated - Mr. Parker is in distress. Tony: -stops- He’s what?  The what? Peter: -over the com- Oof, ouch… my bones…

[indigowallbreaker]

Tony: FRIDAY! Engage autopilot!

FRIDAY: Activating Jesus Take The Wheel protocol.

Tony: Really, Pete?

[skiplo-wave]

@disparatepeace

[peacesmovingcabaret]

Tony: FRIDAY, assemble the Avengers. Gonna need some back up.

FRIDAY: Activating the I’m Too Old For This Shit protocol.

Tony: ALRIGHT THAT’S IT PETER YOU ARE BANNED FROM MY LAB FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS.  

[hilarioushumorfromouterspace]

[hivs]

cat: *meows in a distance*

my mom’s voice from the kitchen: you want a tomato, you fool? you won’t eat it

cat: *meows louder*

[mrs-chief]

Fun story, my cat somehow got a hold of a cherry tomato and was batting it around like a toy. Then she ate the whole damn thing

what’s with all these stories of hundred plus year old vampires falling in love with teenagers like yes they might LOOK your age but you’ve got a few centuries of maturity on them I want vampires falling in love with 40 year old suburban housewives and business executives and preschool teachers not high school students

[melthemagpie]

vampires falling in love with spry 90-year-old great-grandmothers

[strix-alba]

(x)

[rabioheab-deactivated20200416]

earlier this year 2 boys got expelled from my school for going on a teachers email and sending another teacher an email that says “you’re a disgusting little man” and i laugh about it all the time because imagine opening an email from your coworker and thinking it’s important and then it says that

[rontology]

today my gf said “when donkey asks shrek what his name is, shrek pauses before he says shrek, and i’m convinced he came up with it on the spot.” we weren’t even talking about shrek. i can’t stop thinking about it or about how lucky i am to be with her