[surreptitious-eloquence]

In the depths of my mind I don't see you. When I close my eyes it's not your face I'm in love with. It's not your smile, your voice and your heartbeat I'm longing for. It has never been also it has. It was you when it wasn't him but it's him, it always has been. And it's killing me inside.

Because in the depths of my mind, my imagination is running wild and it's not you I'm with. It's not you that my heart is crying for. It's you but it's not and it was but it wasn't and I am but I am not foolishly in love with the idea that got me up. That got me out of bed. But it's not. It can't be but it is. I am.

In love.

With you but I'm not. Since I am and you are, and that's all I got. I can't give but I'm giving. Grieving the love I lost. The words I am the thoughts you are that I am not. Conflicted.

In my never ending mind things are good, things are bad. Things are. Things are not. My head implodes I feel a lot. For you, but I don't, with you but I won't. For you, but I can't. I'm not who I am.

For you.

I break into pieces. Fragments of myself. Destroying me to love you but I don't. I can't. I won't. But I do. In pieces of you. Reminding me of who I was before I loved you and before I did not. Because I did but I didn't. I wanted to but I wasn't the person I am. Because I am not.

My heart beats for you but it isn't beating at all. It's dead and alive in a world I can't describe. Because I love but I don't. I love him with all I own. But I can't but I do. I am.

But not for you.

Just for you. But it can't. It's giving. It's pumping. It's dying with you. I am for all I got. But I am not. Since I am the one you love but I am not. You don't know but you do. All I am is for you. But it's not. It's never been, it's all I feel. But I don't feel. With you.

For all it's worth I am grieving, I am giving the love I know. But I don't know. You. Forgive me for I am me and you are you. But I am not me and you're still you. I can't but I do. In the depths of my mind.

I don't see you.

Like the sea, crashing at shore. You are but I am more. Of things unkown, pure beauty I see, but not in you. Not in me. But I see, the beauty I know in a person that's not you. It is but it isn't. It can but it can't. I see but I'm blind. For the beauty you are.

Inside.

The fire in me is burning on low, it's blazing but just below. It's dying but it's alive. I am but I'm dying tonight. For the emotions I feel, that are not for you, since they are but that's not true. It is but it is not. I am but I am not.

Alive.

One more time I will surpress the person I am, but I can't. In pieces I strive to be, but I'm not what I am. In time I will, but you won't, still you will but can't be what I made out for you to see.

My heart sings siren songs but I'm deaf to the melody. I sing for you but I'm not singing at all. I sing for him but I'm not. Since I am what I forgot when I'm with you, but I don't want to be. I will but I won't be.

Free.

In the things I am, but I am not. Free. I have never been, since I am. But I won't be. You are the freedom I am not longing for but I need. That feeling I hate to love in the eyes of the unseen. Masochistic mind of mine, free, alive, dead inside.

[surreptitious-eloquence]

I learned to bloom in borrowed seasons,

mistaking drought for devotion,

calling the ache of waiting

a kind of love.

So I stood at your door

with pockets full of forgiveness,

feeding a fire

that only knew how to consume.

I became a shoreline,

letting every tide rename me,

until I no longer knew

where the ocean ended

and I began.

You never raised your hands,

but you taught the wind

how to enter through every crack.

Invisible storms

still leave broken trees.

Each boundary I built

became another bridge

you crossed without looking back,

while I thanked you

for leaving footprints

instead of ruins.

How quietly a heart

learns to apologize

for the space it needs.

Now I gather the pieces of my name

from the mouths of waves,

from the ash,

from the silence

I once mistook for home.

I loved you

like a lighthouse

trying to save a ship

that mistook its light

for something to conquer.

But even the sea

must surrender the shore.

Please...

let me drift from your shore.

Set me free.

Not because the storm

was fierce enough

for anyone else to notice,

but because I have learned

that the deepest waters

are often silent.

I have spent too long

mistaking survival for living.

I am not strong enough

to keep teaching my heart

how to breathe underwater.

[surreptitious-eloquence]

Oh and how I yearn to be someone's priority for a change.

[surreptitious-eloquence]

You never even considered me as a priority, did you?

[cherryst4rg1rl]

Being afraid of sexual intimacy for fear that your body will look ugly is something very real and cruel

[rubydacherryswife]

I just want to loose 20kg overnight is this too much to ask 😭

[bakwaaas]

someone said ‘the version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility’ and wow

[be-pd]

*expresses a reason i’m upset* oh god im being manipulative aren’t I

[confessions-of-internal-war]

“You say ignorance is bliss, but that means nothing to an emotional masochist.”

— Tell me something to fuck me up

[flowerytale]

Penny Dreadful (2014-2016) created by John Logan

[surreptitious-eloquence]

Because sometimes i crash; and when i crash, i crash hard.

I crash into the depths of all the unspoken words you and me were bound to never say. And into the depths that made me love and hate all the same.

I crash into the ground that I've crashed many many times before.

Because before i get happy i go back into the comfort of my pain; into the comfort of suffering.

The moment i feel like the love and the happieness might slip through the cracks of the mask i spent years painting; the moment i crash.

Because sometimes my mind forgets. Sometimes i forget all the pain I caused. Sometimes I imagine that my hands are not painted red. But then I look down and I see the blood dripping from my fingers. I hear the screams and then i crash.

And then i crash myself into darkness.

[paper-wounds]

[surreptitious-eloquence]

Look, I just want to fuck shit up.

I want to end everything good I have and make some questionable bad decisions.

[paper-wounds]

[aurora-alice-deactivated2025112]

No, it is not too much to ask for. You're asking the wrong person.

[thechaos217]

[winter-0]

I have so much potential to become worse.