vincit qui se vincit

Emotions, positive or negative, arise late every night when the stars come out to play, and the sun is tucked safely away. Here are those emotions that I can only write, and never say.

[surreptitioussoul]

It has been some time.

It’s the eve of my 29th birthday, technically it’s past midnight now and is my birthday.

My grandma would have been 85 this year. I think about her almost everyday, especially at 11:11 when I wish that she knows that I love her. I hope she hears my wish in heaven. Her spirit is so much of who I am and want to be.

I can’t help to feel unaccomplished at this age without a husband or a child, but I know that I am happy and content.

The last year has been incredibly healing.

I repaired and nurtured the relationship with my mom. I started a new job and for the first time, confidently negotiated my pay. I was approved for a home loan and started searching for a permanent home to call my own. I’ve raised and trained a puppy, who has become the most caring companion - and I reinvested in my friendships. Big time. I got closer with my friends that I ever as, especially as we grow older and our problem become more complex.

I also took the time to finally study astrology and invest in my passion!

Next year, I want to focus on my health. It‘s my last year before 30. I want to find balance in my relationships and discipline in my self care. I want to buy a house and start a more stable base I want to feel confident in my career, and to make sure I leave room for learning.

I am not the anxious, unsure person I was just years ago. I am confident, independent and comfortable - and I am proud of that work. This is something for me to remember next time I doubt myself.

[surreptitioussoul]

Love is to people what water is to plants.

Marianne Williamson

[surreptitioussoul]

Stillness

It’s not until the stillness that I feel it the most. It claws at my heart. It tells me lies. It tells me that I can’t trust anyone. That I’m worthless, talentless, selfish. It’s in the stillness that I believe these lies. 

On my drive home, I heard it. It had been a stressful day at work, but nothing I haven’t experienced before and couldn’t handle. Ultimately I didn’t work much longer than I usually do, but today was different. Everyone left about an hour before me while I calmed down a client - and felt like an absolute failure in doing so. Once my phone call ended, the office was empty and the windows were black. It’s winter now. Night swallows day without a sunset. I sat in a dark conference room and cried. Today was hard. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I thought immediately of all the mistakes I realized and all the mistakes I didn’t realize. I put away the dishes that weren’t mine in the office, put away the coffee cups, wiped down the sink. At least I could do that. At least I could control that. 

I put on my coat, grabbed my purse, and walked towards the door. I turned to switch the lights off, and after I did, I stared into the darkness. I wasn’t scared. I knew nothing was there. 

When I got in my car, I cried. I turned on jazz radio and cried. A million thoughts flooded my mind. 

You’re so privileged. You never had it that bad. You’re so young. You’re selfish. You’re alone. You’re annoying. You’re dumb. You’re not capable. You’re not loved. No one loves you. 

I really do think about quitting more than I should. Somehow I have this strange responsibility to my friends to stay, and even that feeling has faded. 

I pull myself back around. I smoke myself to sleep and feel fine later, but I’m haunted by the thought every moment I feel alone - in the stillness. 

[surreptitioussoul]

I would count to 10

as many ways as I knew how. I would count 2 five times. 5 two times. 3 three times plus 1. I would count the lanterns next to the artwork that we created together. There were 10. They were hung before I got there. They were what I focused on when I felt dizzy and when we were fighting. I would just stare and count and count.

[surreptitioussoul]

And so it goes

Here I am reading the Sunday Post on a Monday. 

I’m 1 step behind. I’m trying to keep up. I’m out of breath. 

I tell myself a story about what everyone’s day looks like as they enter the coffee shop. As I do so, I’m judging what I expect to be their level of education, their capabilities, their relationships. What does their life look like compared to mine? It’s not that I’m looking to feel better, but I’m looking to learn. 

What do you do that makes life meaningful? What gets you excited each morning? Have you monetized your blog-writing, coffee-drinking, instagramming dream yet? 

I haven’t even wrapped my arms around the Account Managing dream yet. I haven’t even dipped my toe into the world I felt I belonged to years ago. I’ve been in corporate America.

Last night I asked my best friend to share with me in the dream of owning a business together. 

And this was the first time in a while that I realized that it really was a dream of mine that may be I feel too scared to pursue now, but I can’t let my fear hold me back. 

I have so much to learn. So much to see. Where do I start? How do I stop wasting my time? 

[surreptitioussoul]

I don’t see the option

Where I don’t get my heart broken.

It’s time to accept single. It’s time to stop fantasizing about a relationship in my head.

My self-worth is so closely tied to what men think of me that’s it’s pathetic.

All I can manage to do is cry and smoke myself to sleep.

[surreptitioussoul]

When everything is going great

And you still don’t feel like life is worth living.

Like wtf is that.

[liibornum-deactivated20180512]

Visit Original Link

Pearl Jam - Black (Live)

Ahoy, Rotterdam, Holland ‘93

[yorgundusmushayaller-deactivate]

[mitten]

[kissmyblackazz]

[sleepin]

[surreptitioussoul]

Def Poetry: Mollie Angelheart - Psychotic Bitch

[surreptitioussoul]

The difference between me and you

Is that I still think there’s time to fall in love.

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

[lifeinpoetry]

Isn’t the moon dark too, most of the time?

Linda Pastan, from “Why Are Your Poems so Dark?” published in Poetry (via lifeinpoetry)

[photosetavenue]