I realized the other day I am going to be alone the rest of my life, and it didn’t even phase me. The pain and sorrow of life that used to push me to be better to try harder, it has just hardened into a callus on my heart. I feel nothing. I think of a life of nothing, no love, no growth, no purpose, and all I can think is “How is that any different than it has always been?” I can’t seem to find it. The thing that is supposed to save me. I’ve looked in faith in others. I’ve search within myself for some piece of mind. I have even looked to the supernatural, and spiritual. I have found it all leads to the same answer. There is nothing. Life is pain, and I don’t want to hurt anymore. Love exists because of chemical reactions in the brain, but somehow that knowledge doesn’t make it hurt less. Seeing the one you love with someone else, it still stings. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but what they don’t tell you is it does that by killing the body and decomposes it into the earth so it can fertilize new life to be stricken by similar wounds. It’s not healing it’s becoming nothing. Nonexistence. I want to explode. I want to yell. I want to say all the things I never could, and always should have. I want the pressure to push against my chest until it bursts and all the emotions i once felt burst forth and I could feel something other than nothing. But i don’t. I don’t cry, i don’t scream, i don’t yell. Hell, I don’t laugh. I am nothing. I am already dead, and I don’t know how to fix it. If it can be fixed. I thought it would be her, then later I thought it would be her, and later you. But it’s all a fabrication. It’s not a fairy tale. It is real life, and that means I am nothing. I am someone you knew from a long time ago. We aren’t those people anymore. You are still beautiful and I am still, depressing. But the people we became don’t know each other. That should rip me apart, but i don’t feel it anymore. What is next? What should I do? Do you even care? I am lost and alone, and i don’t even know if I want to be found again. And in the end I know you won’t see this, and if you did, you wouldn’t know I was talking to you. There is so much that I wanted to say, but never did. I made a world in my mind where we could have been, but I don’t think that was ever the way it was. The way you were. I used the idea of you to make me feel like I had purpose, like i meant something to someone, but it was all fake. I know the truth. I am awake, and all i want is for the morning to be what I thought it could be. I loved the idea of us,of you, but truthfully I never knew you at all. If you read this, which I doubt, i am sorry. At least I can can still feel that.
stormborns
areudirty
izzy806