he is so good to her. he’s too good to her. that’s why it feels so inevitable for it all to crash and burn, because she’s never been with anyone who makes her feel this way —- like they truly care about her beyond a body to lay next to in bed, like they think they’re better off with her on their side than not, like the trust her with any life or death situation they find themselves in. when spencer looks at rosita, it’s clear to her that someone believes in her. and that’s what she’s been fighting for all her life, yet now that someone is so willing to give that to her, it’s so strange.
and it makes her want to crumble rather than to give into it, her head looking down at the mention of ‘ LOVE. ‘ has she ever felt it before? would she know? it’s clear right now that she hasn’t, not before, because nothing has ever felt like this. it was just supposed to be sex.
❝ as soon as you give away your heart, you’re dead. either someone stomps on yours or they stomp on the one you love, ❞ she mumbles, one hand gripping the steering wheel now, the other resting on her forehead just underneath her cap. she doesn’t want to think about this —- she just wants to DRIVE. she wants the silence back. there’s a reason that when they’re alone together, she’s usually already taking off her clothes —- because that’s easy. she can focus on that. she can do that. the talking that follows? the look in his eyes when it’s clear he sees her for more than that, the way he touches her so gently like his body is a home she can fall back into? that, she doesn’t know how to do.
then he says things like that, and she has no choice but to soften, because she does care. and she doesn’t want him to be scared; she wants to help him fight. she wants to protect him. she wants him to feel safe with her, too —- but she’s afraid all the safety she can provide him is just physical. she can’t protect his heart, not when she’s so good at breaking it. ❝ we’re all scared. we just don’t like to say it. but you—- ❞ she scoffs, small smile barely tugging at her lips. ❝ you, you’re the brave one, ‘cause you’re not too afraid to say it. ❞ but she is.
deep down, she knows it’s not fair to him. she may never be okay with giving into her feelings entirely, and she will only ever be leading him on into nothing. maybe the right thing to do is end it here, to not cause him anymore pain here or down the road. he deserves better than what she’s willing to give him, at least right now. but she’s too selfish to let it go, too afraid that if she does let it go, then she will never find it again. too afraid to be without him, because she knows her heart is with his, and she can’t ignore that forever. ❝ i told you, this is good. what we’re doing, it ain’t gotta be too complicated. ❞ no, he shouldn’t have to pretend he doesn’t feel something if he does —- she’s much better at that, she’s sure, but she doesn’t think she’s ready to hear what it is that he really feels for her, even if it’s obvious. ❝ don’t overthink it. ❞ her words are much more casual than what her eyes say, betraying her mind, reading ‘ i’m in love with you too.’ and as soon as she feels that in her gaze, she looks down again.
he can’t believe that, nor does he want to believe she believes it; spencer understands there’s a risk with love, but it’s the risk that makes it worth it ---- willingly surrendering the most vulnerable parts of yourself to someone, knowing that they will keep them safe. he has loved before, in varying capacities and stages; those before, ellis after, but it’s rosita that feels true. she’s the realest, the one he needs, the one he’s already offered himself to, time and time again; in every embrace and kiss, every night spent in his bed, he’s already hers, his heart and his soul already in her hands.
and he trusts her with all of him.
maybe she’ll hurt him; maybe it won’t work out. maybe he’ll hurt her, or one of them will die --- there are so many outcomes, too many possibilities; an infinity of endings, what ifs and maybes, but within that number, there’s a handful of good ones. there is love and a life together and so much joy ---- so much happiness, like what spencer already feels around her. she’s worth the chance of pain, the hazard of a broken heart ------- but because he’s prepared, he’s okay, doesn’t mean she must be.
he gives a little shake of his head, halfheartedly dismissal as he studies his hands --- callused and cracked, sporting a couple minor slices from a kitchen knife; a side effect of cooking with a distracted mind. there’s little remarkable about them, nothing special, and yet, they feel perfect when they’re holding her. “maybe it is brave, but... there’s other ways to be brave, too,” spencer says. ways that elude him. she can pull a trigger without palms beading with sweat, run into battle without her heart seizing in fear; she fights without thought, while his mind paralyzes him -- though the hesitation is less and less with each day. and not because of his own strength; it’s rosita that calms him, rosita that guides his hand; it’s the fear of leaving her, the desire to make her proud. spencer wants to be someone she would want at her side in a fight ---- and maybe he is, now. maybe that’s why she brings him out.
but he stands on the precipice of destroying it; he can see her discomfort, feel the tension in the air. spencer can’t find the will to regret his feelings, nor revealing them -- not that they’ve ever been hidden; it’s only the distress he’s caused her that he manages remorse for. his tongue sweeps nervously across his lower lip; spencer sighs, lifts a hand, brushes his thumb along the arch of her cheek. “alright,” he whispers, fingers hovering --- but he doesn’t look at her. spencer’s hand falls limply to his side after a beat, retreating to the knife sheathed at his side, curling around the hilt. “...where are we going? you never said. just told me to get in the car.. which i don’t mind, by the way.”
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
jbbartram-illu
jacobvanloon
dailybridgerton
romaincrisis
ellievsbear
