雨与瑜

[sutters]

Suture

And the next moment as I looked up, I saw him outside coles waiting for me with a ‘this suture 😒’ look. (But also flashback to the moment when I saw him at st Leonard’s in a suit, 6 years ago; and I commented - woah u look good today).

Thank you my friend who had to tolerate my free spiritedness (me the moving target who couldn’t wait patiently at one spot), and also my poor sense of time in the past (like up to 1hr late haha). Beneath the exasperation with each another, this old friendship does sit upon some reasonably solid foundation of trust and care for each other.

Thanks for always being there to provide comfort in your own ways when I’m down, through these many years, esp during my syd uni days. We may not be as close as before, but I’m grateful that in the 1 day + we spent together, it still feels the same- the comfortable banters amidst serious convos; just enjoying and commenting on trashy show, and being able to survive an ice cream drama; you still always treat me well in every encounter despite your ‘cynicism and meanness’.

[sutters]

Learning to let go

The rejection was hard to bear. Receiving it 1 week before my graduation was like a double whammy- it drained any excitement that I even had for it, and the disappointment was amplified by the ‘happy occasion’- hopes, wishes, and dreams of having a partner accompanying for my milestones was dashed. It was tough emotionally, but I am glad that I had emcee job to distract me, and just the company of friends to just be with me, and engage me with something.

I guess God has his own plans in his timing. It is also His mercy and blessing for me to heal with the 2 trips - Korea and Sydney before the onslaught of work. The first was an escapade to just have fun with my friends. And the second was a time-space to process the events, pain and hurt in the comfort of my second home. Grateful for Cheryl my God given sister in Christ who sat through with me through my tears and me opening up my deepest wounds and surprisingly Cai- whose company became a refuge and therapeutic in its own ways. It brought me back to the au trip in 2017 and it is truly by God’s grace that we are still comfortable af with one another since then.

Being back in Sydney is akin to looking for a part of me because it is a second home, somewhere that I can be with myself without the hustles of life.

I felt I did manage to unwind, rest and recharge in the past 2 weeks. Being back in SG feels like I’ve returned to the place of pain and sorrow, where tears flood my days.

I have come to accept the reality that beyond all the challenges or perceived incompatibilities, the most defining difference is the willingness to make the effort. Whether it is trying to know me as a person or build the relationship, he was often passive. He prefers to stick to his perspective of me, instead of staying curious to know me better. I figured that I was also hurt that he did not bother to try to know who I truly am as a person.

Looking back, I felt like I’ve always been striving to keep things going, often feeling inadequate for him.

Thank you Cheryl for pointing out and reinforcing points about why he is not being the right person that God would have wanted. He is just not ready to receive the love that I wanted to give.

I’m learning to let go and submitting the situation and my desires to God. This time round I’m feeling more confident because I feel that the season has truly ended. And I have to grieve over the loss of friendship too, because I feel that this has always been a one sided friendship which I’m not confident would survive if I left it alone.

Human relationships can be so fleeting. Closest friend one day and strangers the next- it is truly heartbreaking. At the same time, it makes me feel grateful for all the people who are still in my life, who make me feel that I can just be myself, yet always affirming me that I am good enough.

[sutters]

刻苦铭心的青涩暧昧，终于有了总结。15年前的相识至今，这段友谊让我百感交集-许多珍惜与感动，但也很多惆怅和委屈。

终于，我们两长大了，也愿意勇敢地面对我们彼此的心结。原来当初，我们真的是彼此喜欢（而不是我的单恋）， 但天时地利人和的不利，我们差肩而过，但还是以朋友身份留在彼此的生命里。虽然这的确让我很久都放不下，但无可否认，他还是一个珍贵的朋友。

现在，我们两在不同的生活阶段；一个刚分手，另一个正要准备结婚。虽然，突然发现原来现在的彼此，都很合适：三观，对伴侣的要求，和以耶稣为主的婚姻的信念等。虽然感慨还有一丁点惋惜，但从前的悸动已经是过去了。

[sutters]

I have loads to get through with studies but I’m distracted. The emotional bits have been digested and now it’s the rational part.

It’s the typical me with processing - trying to rationalize things out. Perhaps I should stop beating myself up for being inefficient and just allow myself to sit through the process of the wandering mind.

Trying to work through someone with fears of commitment is really tough :( While I know space and break are necessary at this time point, it still sucks to go through it. I have to resist the urge to check in on him cos he needs the space more than I do to sort things out himself.

I know it is for the better, and God’s plans are always for mine and his good, even if I still can’t discern where God wants us to be currently.

I guess this season, learning to let go is God’s lesson for me to strengthen my faith in Him. Painful and tough, but I pray for the Holy Spirit to guide me through day by day.

[sutters]

好久好久，没有动笔了。

感谢一位老朋友，唤起了我已埋没的文字的热诚。

灵感，总是在我情绪化的时候丰富，但我却忘记了这份赋予。

感性的一面，被现实洗礼后，

剩下的冷静和坦然里，也少了许多对生命的冲劲和憧憬。

是岁月的痕迹，是成长的代价，我也不清楚。

看透世间的纷争后也发现，很多时候没有绝对的错与对，只不过立场不同，每一个人依然可以坚持自己的想法和价值观。

要找到契合的人，并不容易。但就算碰到了，也需要下很多工夫沟通和找到平衡点。

不要求轰轰烈烈，只向往安逸，没有大风大浪的生活，但简单的理解和包容，其实也不容易。

纠结着-好累，但却也不想放弃。因为人海茫茫中的缘分，是珍贵的。

耐心的等待，是否有回报已经不重要。当下，重要的是我是否还有那份想坚持的心， 就一天一天的过吧。

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Reflection for 2021

Another year is drawing to a close, and thinking back to where I was at the start of 2021, wow, how far have I come.

There have been various transitions in different elements of life, and I’m thankful that God is still the constant to guide, answer my prayers, get me through trying days, and also bless me with many people/things.

This Covid year hasn’t gotten easier, but I guess everyone is learning to move on in their own ways. Life really does go on, and we just have to adapt with some stoicism. Or perhaps people are too weary to react or fight anymore. We all want rest- may it be physical, psychological or spiritual. The word ‘burn-out’ seems so overused that it loses its meaning.

I find myself taking comfort and spending too much time scrolling mindlessly on social media to escape the tasks I have at hand, and quiet time/reading is probably non-existent. It felt like there were too many things at hand, and the poorly rested brain was not able to process and find peace amidst the hustle and bustle. Thank God for this precious short break where I could spend time to be myself and reflect.

Life is not without conflicts and difficult conversations, and through them I learn more about myself and also my blind spots, albeit with much humility. At the same time, I appreciate the individuals that truly matter, amidst people who are probably just passer-bys. There are many things to be grateful for still- friends in school who can deal/work with me and my uncaffeinated self (heehee thanks guys!), friends who are still here in my life (we are getting old man…), friend who chooses to be my best friend (thank you!) and family/godparents/church who are always there (sorry for always taking you guys for granted!). Of course, not forgetting the many teaching mentors and seniors who go the extra mile in my student life.

What struck me the most currently, is the beauty of hindsight, that can only come with time. Sometimes, we only appreciate and understand why God orchestrated our life as such, only years later. Different people enter our lives at different time points to teach us something, and different life experiences (whether good or bad) shape our current behavior and values/beliefs. We often only fully appreciate the timing of events, or why we had to go through certain challenges, many years later. Sometimes, God also uses people and their experiences mightily, to support others along the way, and I am thankful for mentors who have held space for me as I navigated periods of uncertainties in the past.

At this juncture, 2022 does not look too appealing- with the looming intense school schedule and major tasks to get through, as well as other uncertainties of life that I choose to live with. But past experiences had also taught me that – the more difficult path is probably the rewarding path - as it calls for greater dependence and full surrender to God, for even daily providence. And there is peace within, cos I know God will walk this journey with me by sending people to walk alongside.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

(proverbs 3:5-6)

[sutters]

Lost and found 🥲 @ khatib mrt station

Drop this accidentally when taking something out fm my bag yesterday, and a stranger actually tried to alert me to it. But she spoke too quickly and disappeared, and I did searched my bag, but did not notice it was missing.

I only realized it hours later during lunch when I remembered I was meant to replace its battery 😅

Hopeful that no one will steal it since it’s so old, I went back to the control station at night on my way home to ask, but the train station uncle said there wasn’t any lost watch 😩

Decided to give it another try by asking the control station staff again today.The kind machik asked me a lot of details about the watch... and got another staff to check in the office...and here you are!

Thanks you nice soul for picking it up and handing it over to the staff!

What is mine will be mine, even when it’s accidentally lost for a while.

[sutters]

It was meant to be a one day escape- physically and mentally away from the hustle and bustle of life.

We shared and spoke about many deep topics; we let our guards down and were vulnerable at many levels, but also connected at an intensity that has been built up virtually over the past months and in person it was mounting over the night and the physical/sexual tension was just electrifying; it could have overpowered my rationality at so many time points but thank God we both manage to respect the boundaries.

Being in that close proximity to hear your heart beat and feel your breath amidst the cuddles, feelings and emotions were running high that neither manage to get a good rest. Maybe it was the effect of alcohol or maybe it was just waiting to happen, but we enjoyed the physical contact and mutually had our human touch recharged.

It’s probably the first time I have felt this emotional/physical connection at this level that is exhilaratingly intoxicating; and the adrenaline took awhile to settle. While there are more serious life stuff we have to deal with moving forward, my brain subconsciously can’t help going back to savour those feelings and moments, these precious memories (now i understand why you want to store them up haha).

[sutters]

friendship

I do ask for a little prayer, that God you will protect this precious budding friendship with J.  And i thank you that our paths crossed in your timing (we probably have crossed paths multiple times in our lifetime without us realizing, as strangers), when we are in the state of mind and emotional maturity to work on this friendship together, with this refreshing open communication and yet comfortable banter at a matching frequency; where i can be spontaneous without much overthinking.   Thanks for gradually becoming my pillar of support & confidante, and filling my days with laughters and lightheartedness, especially when clinicals can be tiring. While i should continue to guard my heart amidst the growing dependence with vulnerability; i trust Lord that you are the one who is overseeing this friendship and may your spirit guide us towards you both individually and together. 

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nemo

Just that day in a convo with Jen, when she was sharing about how talking to other friends who are overseas is helpful for her, I suddenly got reminded of all our past convos over the years- all those times when you never failed to reply my messages and random boring rants, and always provided me with support and sound advices. In spite of my annoyance with your meanness, I definitely enjoyed the banter and had subconsciously developed a dependence/reliance on you- so much so that i still text you random rants when my emotions/stress got the better of me. 

And the recent de javu - when I realised that a classmate’s Instagram handle is actually the same name that I always call you by. Somehow there are also too many uncanny similarities - particularly the savageness with an underlying good heart (that I’m a sucker for). More importantly, the comfortable camaraderie that I had with le classmate- where we could communicate with our eye expressions/ read and respond to each other’s thoughts... I admit that my heart had fluttering moments and I know that if I don’t keep my emotions in check, I will start developing feelings. But at the back of my mind- I am also wondering, is it just me missing you or perhaps indeed this is THE dynamics that I am looking for ? (#throwback to the trip when I made a mental note to find someone who will make me feel the same way as you did). Dear God, help!  15MAY21

[sutters]

Beef noodles

I was walking around the kopitiam choosing my lunch, and I saw a beef noodles stall.

Of course I thought of you- the one who introduced me to the famous cuppage beef noodles at 313 somerset. Instinctively I wanted to send you a photo of it, but I didn’t in the end, it felt like there wasn’t any point. And I finished the bowl before I realized it too (Somehow, this outlet served more delicious beef noodle than the orchard one).

Perhaps one day, I will eventually dissociate beef noodles from you, snoopy friend.

[sutters]

travel i miss you so

photo albums exist for travels, so 2020 was empty.

A friend often rolls his eyes at me fro travelling again but looking back, I’m just thankful that i was privileged ad blessed to be able to do so.

legit nearly yearly syd visit- but that probably help kept me sane during the working years. I just need a different yet familiar environment to really rest, reflect and recharge. The magical effect of the last trip has worn off long ago, need a new coping mechanism. 

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Pensive; revelations

Rainy days often put me in an introspective mood. 

#1 For the first time since Covid-19 disrupted our lives (in the year 2020), I attended bible studies in person and was fully engaged without being distracted much today. This was refreshing for a change (my feeble attempts to multi-task in the past year had been poorly efficient tbh). And for the first time in a long while, I am ruminating even after- about the discussion and the sermon, which was on the topic of our salvation- is it assured? Yes the take home message is: it is by faith. Yet I dont want to forget Philippians 2-12-13: to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. (p.s.oh yes it generated a heap load of discussions during the study despite the hybrid zoom platform, which was intense but invigorating in a way.)

#2 I just saw Sam’s insta story- a beautifully taken photo of a canal/river and surrounding trees covered in snow, probably somewhere in Berlin. It made me miss being overseas (in particular Aussie) again. 

And I wondered- deep down if i have preferred to be in aussie/syd all along even though i know that I am most comfortable back home in sg- with all the convenience of having family & friends, surrounded by the good old familiarity, and enjoying the benefits of being citizen. Over the years, I have swung between feeling patriotic at home to preferring the lifestyle there; it is a constant unresolved dilemma. Perhaps having the unrestricted ease of travelling taken away compounded my missing of aussie -my second home to recharge myself;  akin to me missing my dose of my medication for my well-being. Perhaps, feeling really jaded about the rat race culture and seeing peers succumbing to it, esp in medicine/healthcare here, makes me wonder if i actually preferred something else all along. 

But my key takeaway is- at the end of the day, it may not be about where do i truly belong or should be in the long run; at different time points in life with different circumstances, God probably puts me in different places for his purpose. Perhaps it is in SG now for studies and he will call me to somewhere else in years to come (maybe back to au again for a short stint? but I am very clear it has nothing to do with le friend being in syd). My incomplete au PR application has expired recently, and i knew clearly that God closed the door to move there, and clearly indicated where i should be in the next 10 years. But for some odd reason, I am kind of excited now, knowing that perhaps it is not for the rest of my life. 

---------

Perhaps indeed, Covid 19 was here to shake us up- first by taking away things we take for granted to teach us lessons. It took away fellowship in person/human contact to make me realise the importance of being present to be truly living each moment to the fullest; and also travelling- to expose my heart’s desires that have packed away with human rationality, without me even realising. 

9/1/21

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2021的第一天，停不下来的倾盆大雨，仿佛是新的一年的洗礼；把过去一年的烦躁和坏心情通通洗掉，希望留下的, 是能让人重新开始的-对人生的初心。

昨天和一些老朋友一起跨年，然后在这个好天气里好好的睡足8小时，似乎驱散了过去几天的沉闷和难过，换来一丝平静的爽朗，心情也轻盈了许多。

的确，当我的心情糟透时，朋友的聆听，支持和陪伴给予一种莫名力量，能让一切变得好一些。封闭自己，自己消化反而会钻牛角尖，换来的失眠和低沉，真的很辛苦。

新的一年，我要学会有耐心地等待，属于我的东西。但同时，我也要学会，更好好的珍惜身边的朋友。

（p.s.好朋友，你选择逃避的反应，让我很失望；也很伤心-好像那么多年的友谊，原来是那么单薄。但我还是很努力地用理智和一份友谊的爱来包容，因为我真的珍惜你 。或许我还没真的学会放手，但不让你影响我的心情，或许是很好的第一步。）

[sutters]

It has been a strange year- the world fell into chaos despite the many forewarnings, yet life still goes on. With or without logic and rationality, the world still madly spun on. It feels like the worse is yet to come but we will just live through it.

2020 felt oddly long yet time just flew by. It seemed like so many things happened yet so little was accomplished. I think even the most resilient also felt the heat of the endless curveballs. While trying to constantly adapt to the ongoing changes, energy has been mysteriously drained in this world of virtuality.

Life felt so unpredictable (like the world may end the next day) that we are forced to face our inner feelings, awakening to what is truly close to our hearts. And sometimes with distance, we also learn to recognise what truly mattered yet we have subconsciously took for granted. Some of us have also learn to draw our bottom lines and walk away from battles that are not worth fighting anymore. For those that we can’t escape from, we learn to deal with them-first by prioritising our well being.

But we shouldn’t forget that even machines break down- burn out is more real than ever, especially with the blurring of work vs home space and the lack of opportunities to get away to recharge. And often it sneakily manifests in signs that we ignore, and before we know it we get so worn out to even seek help.

The main take home message I suppose is - we should be kinder to ourselves, as well as people around. Let us acknowledge that it has been a tough year. Give one another a pat on the back for the good work, encourage one another despite the failures/inadequacies. Kindness doesn’t need to be in grand gestures, but simply just being abit more human.

Life hasn’t been easy for many people in many ways but there are always sliver linings to be grateful for in all circumstances, probably even more so when things are uncertain/bleak. At the end of the day, I still thank God- for always supplying just enough for the day to day and abit more during the difficult times.

In 2021, I just hope the world will be less crazy, more collective instead of individualistic, and may we not lose the human touch. And being able to leisurely travel will be a real bonus.

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Step 1

One of the bad things that can happen before a major exam is insomnia- like a major one that you didn’t even feel like you slept. I guess God created adrenaline for a reason, but my body generated way too much before the exam, so it is a miracle that I survived a 7 hr (280 qns) exam in spite of it (and my gastric issues- but omeprazole solved the problem thankfully). Prayed so hard and I really had to depend on God. Thank God for his providence- that I could still think and answer a decent amount of questions (I hope it is in his will that I pass my STEP 1 too).

[sutters]

Car ride

I had a dream in between snoozing my alarm and you appeared in it. You were driving and I was in the passenger seat, and I think it was in sg. We were having convos about 有的没的，but my alarm rang too soon 😅