* ✧ i've got new rules

sutton attwood. ONE, don't pick up the phone you k n o w he's only calling 'cause he's ❝ drunk and alone ❞ TWO, don't let him in you h a v e to ( kick ) him out again THREE, don't be his 𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 you know you're GONNA ❝ wake up ❞ in his bed in the m o r n i n g and if you're under him you ain't getting over him

[suttonattwood-blog]

SUTTON ATTWOOD — AESTHETIC SERIES 003/???

‘i’ve never seen someone devote so much to their craft. her soul-- it’s visible when she’s performing, and it’s a gift, for not just me, but for the whole audience to receive.’

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

it had been six months, and cassian wasn’t sure he’d ever grow accustomed to the ache burrowed at the pit of his stomach, that knocked it’s way all over his vital organs like a rogue pinball machine. her saccharine smile jolted his chest back into motion, taking three heartbeats just to get through her name. the steady eye contact fell just over the border of a little too much for him, but he wouldn’t break it for any welcome distraction in the world. he was too lost in the feeling that came rushing back like a tidal wave, when he was allowed to stare into her rich brown eyes, curtained by black lashes, the color as taken for granted as the woman who saw through them. god, how many times had he heard to count his blessings, because girls like sutton only came around once in a lifetime, if some sorry asshole like him was lucky enough to catch her attention. he swam in it for years, and even now, he was floating in soft cloud of her perfume, basking in the light of her grin that would blind any other unsuspecting man, splashing around the deep, calming timbre of her voice like a birdbath. perhaps everyone else was right, they’d all known better – his time with sutton hadn’t been forever, but being next to her, it still felt like it.

his sharp stare cut to the expanse of skin she revealed as she tipped her head to the side. her neck was unadorned by any jewelry and the neckline of her dress dipped just far enough to leave anyone who wasn’t cassian to the wonders of their imagination. cassian? he didn’t have to wonder if the freckles that dotted her shoulders extended underneath the clothes, his brain didn’t need to come up with the fantasy that her breasts fit perfectly into his palms, or how no sound compared with that of her lips forming around the syllables of his name. for not the first time that night, he allowed himself to picture how their night might have ended, had the circumstances turned out the way they were meant to – one of her pretty shoes missing and the delicate dress lost somewhere between cassian’s bed and his self-restraint. 

cassian pulled himself from his brief crisis only to watch the lightly-colored liquid drain from its crystal flute, and in the chest moment sutton was standing, leaving cassian momentarily face-to-face with the temptation of her chest, a blank canvas asking him to make a jackson pollock mess with his mouth. he knew his mouth was agape as sutton sauntered away from him, eyeing her legs as she twirled away, the effortless move she made from soft grass to dance floor, like there had been a seamless red carpet only sutton was able to see. the short hem of her dress picked up, just for a moment, and cassian wasn’t sure how he could ever fathom wanting anyone else, least of all like this, when the desire he felt for just another peek of her upper thigh was written all over his face. 

when he looked up to find sutton already studying him back, he registered the moment of shock fleetingly. he followed her steps, swallowing the dregs of his jack-and-coke and his willpower, before he stood, legs seemingly moving of their own accord after her. an mirroring smile appeared on his face as he loomed closer, any hesitancy he’d been showing earlier that night was gone the moment his hand curled into hers. dancing with sutton was something he knew intimately well. besides being an avid spectator, it was different, seeing her dance up close, knowing how just swaying to the melody could bring a look a total serenity to his love’s face. he stepped back, extending his arm so he could twirl her easily into his chest, eyes flickering down to watch the rapid movement of her feet as she did so, out of sheer old habit. cassian caught her, as always, his other hand resting on her waist, just above the swell of her hips. “you’re already doing a pretty great job, attwood.” cassian teased, alluding to their conversation just a minute before. he hadn’t even registered the song that had been playing until he’d settled into this moment of blissful familiarity, and a low hum started up in his chest once the notes filtered into his ears, replacing the void of the crystalline pitch frankie valli provided. 

cassian was moving entirely on muscle memory. the touch slung slow on her waist, and the close proximity of their bodies (almost completely flush) didn’t occur to him as anything out of the ordinary. the hand that had hers brought them jointly to his chest, simply holding it there, and while he wondered if she could feel the rapid pace of his electrified heart, he paid no mind to the intensity of his scrutinization of her lips. six months ago, kissing her would’ve been the next step he’d taken. it wasn’t until his head dipped infinitesimally to follow through with his thought that the reality of the situation occurred to him and he composed himself, straightening his spine and halting the humming to clear his throat, though keeping everything about their position otherwise the same. he broke the unwavering attention he’d been holding on her to glance around at the other couples making their way to join them. cassian wondered if the love and longing in his eyes was apparent, even to them. “what are the odds you do your best moonwalk from one end of the dancefloor to the other?” he asked, suddenly, desperate for distraction to keep his mouth from reminding sutton of what they did best. “i promise i’ll hold your shoes for you.”

it shouldn’t have been surprising, she realized then, when their joint hands came to rest against his chest and his heartbeat was perfectly in time with hers. it was reminiscent of a hummingbird taking flight, fluttering in a way that could only be defined as erratic. and in the light of the moment, in the sound of the music, she didn’t have it in her to bear the bitter thoughts that threatened to leak through, the current state of her mind currently nothing but a serene stillness, like the ocean had paused to enjoy the way the sun offered to shine down upon the the surface; she willed the oil-slick of those thoughts away, unwilling to have it taint the landscape of her affection. she’d cling to this moment for as long as she could, enjoy the bliss that was being in his arms again, the heat of each and every one of his five long fingers spread across her slim waist buoying her to the earth, keeping her grounded in a way that no one else ever could.

because the love they shared had been everything -- their love was an oil painting to be hung and immortalized in a museum, behind a velvet red rope that reminded everyone not to step too close, all of those who hadn’t experienced something so true, so beautiful unfit to be in the presence of something so grand. each kiss was a strike of a key, a pluck of a string, a harmony that couldn’t be mimicked. they were once in a lifetime, an entity that had once been more valuable than any precious stone, glinting and glimmering brighter than all the jewels in the world. but now it was a taunt, and suddenly she was breathless; unable to remember the brush strokes that had once painted them into forever, unable to recall the words to the song that she had once known by heart -- she was nothing but a girl with a heart so heavy that she couldn’t bear the weight of it, wishing that maybe in her efforts to feel something, anything after him, she would have managed by now.

though it was futile to believe that she could have come back from an end that was as devastating as the one between the two of them; she had managed to fool no one, the pieces that had once made up her porcelain persona shattered, cracked down the middle and seemingly irreparable, trailing after each of her graceful steps, visible in each one of the smiles that failed to reach her eyes. and she knew it, too -- knew that everyone could see how she had destructed without him. it hadn’t been explosive, no. that would have been too merciful. her death was something slow, torturous, every moment drawn out as she recalled the sound of his voice as it murmured her name against the shell of her ear, as she closed her eyes to the vision of a boy so beautiful painted against the back of her lids. he was a stunning blur of color, pink and white and green and a masterpiece that she had failed to acquire in her missteps and indecision, in her hope of making a choice for her own preservation. but instead, sutton had managed to incite her own downfall, and had let cassian fall with her. and for that, the girl could never forgive herself. from taking from someone who had only ever wanted to give and give and give, for saying no and indubitably destroying everything they had so carefully built together. 

in light of the sudden onslaught, sutton does her best to save face, schooling her expression the same way she does when she’s mindlessly traipsing across a stage. she allows the music to move her, a call to her weary soul, as she deigns to move closer to him, their bodies now flush together. and maybe she had misjudged, but their pulses were far from aligned as she sensed the peak in his pulse, now hammering in a way that was irrationally distracting, assuming the whole of her attention as would the sound of men starting construction early in the morning. but instead of the pavement, they were bulldozing over her heart, digging through the sinews and valves and sawing through the rest of her resolve. it was deafening, and she felt muddled -- like she had been shoved beneath the surface of the once trusted serenity, the waves of her still ocean coming to life and lapping angrily at her until it was all she could hear. you failed, you failed, you failed. and fuck, she can’t stop looking at him -- can’t stop herself from seeing the love that swam just beneath the surface of his own treacherous sea, trying it’s best not to let itself breathe in the fear that she would once again hold it beneath the water, content to let him drown anew. but even when facing the fatality of her own selfishness, the last of her remaining strength wasted no time in damning it directly to hell, allowing it to reside with hades until her conscience would remerge and force feed those stained seeds into the mouth of her personified pessimism and let it haunt her in the looming light that would trick it into believing that it was springtime again. 

it’s then that she allows her caution to float away on the kiss of the wind, along with her doubts and her worries and her qualms, once she sees cassian pulling back from the gesture that had once been easier than breathing between them. she has nothing left but this, and if she was already damned, there was no harm in allowing herself to suffer further. all she knew was that she had to stop this hurt in her heart, the same hurt that she was dangerously sure cassian too held in his. it takes effort on her part, as it always had, even when everything had been nothing but ease between them. she has to stretch on her toes, in a way that’s so painfully familiar that it reminds her of when she used to allow thorns to prick her soft skin in lieu of plucking a rose from a blooming bushel; she welcomed the pain in light of the beautiful reward, her naive foolishness sending her further and further down the rabbit hole as her sensibility yelled after her: alice alice alice -- but she was sutton, and he was cassian, and this -- this. she knew this better than anything.

her hand slides along the broadness of his shoulder, and her delicate touch is ghosting across his chest as she grips the lapel of his suit, anchoring them together as she pulls him down to meet her. she’s far from hesitant, because she wants this so much it takes everything within not to let out the sob that had been building in her throat since she had left him. and as her lips finally press against his in an easy slide, a rush of memories comes back, each one disappearing as quickly as the last. but it’s the final one that has her pulling him ever closer, her hands forgoing the grip on his jacket and his hand to allow her arms to twine around his neck, her dainty fingers now at the base of his neck, his dark hair tickling her knuckles as they find their grip. it’s the memory of this -- of how she recalled every instance of them and felt a yearning like the one kids had when they were at camp too long, of when they kiss their parents goodbye one last time and go off to college. she was homesick because cassian had been her home, had set up camp right in her heart and stayed with her wherever she went. he was in her bones, her marrow, her fucking dna, and she couldn’t shake it. and that’s what she had thought this would be, a homecoming -- but it wasn’t as she had dreamed. the familiarity, the knowing, it all still remained, but it didn’t feel like it once had. kissing cassian had always felt like it was their first time, sure and comfortable and safe. but this was different -- this kiss felt like their last. and it translated in the desperation she exhibited, her patience disappearing in light of the desire that had consumed her. because she loved him. she loved him, she loved him, she loved him. but she had ruined everything. as her lips part against his, it’s sutton’s way of a plea, begging him to brush his tongue against hers, hoping that he could hear her apology over the deafening sound of their mutual heartache.

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

cassian gently knocked his glass against hers, the subdued clang of the cups rang in his ears as he took a drink, and then another. the alcohol was indistinct to him as it seared down his throat, his face unchanged against the smooth burn of it. good vodka, then. practically tasteless, which had never been a pleasant sign where cassian was involved. given the right mindset, he could throw a drink back like it was purely water, and he’d been teetering on the precipice of his rationality since the week began. moments later, a small hand laid delicately on his knee, and something sudden and fevered churned in his stomach and sizzled all the way down to his toes. cassian fought every impulse to keep his hand firmly wrapped around his refreshment, jostling the glass so the ice cubes clinked against each other, rather than lay his own palm over hers. if time and luck were on his side, she’d be touching him there all night. though, of course, as the last six months had shown him, there was no amount of fairness anywhere to be found, and intimate gesture became a friendly push.

if he was being honest with himself, cassian should never have sat down next to her. it was a lapse in judgment on his part, because now, when he really ought to have found someone else to sit next to, instead he was thinking of all the ways he could get her closer. there was an enticing urge to roll his eyes that he ignored, only because she was being so sweet, and making a very clear effort to be so. it was that reason alone that held back the honesty he always dished out so freely – but she knew why he’d become so damn solemn, at least where she was concerned.  ‘that was your first mistake,’ he chuckled, shaking his head as he brought the liquor to his mouth, resting the rim against his lips for a brief moment before continuing. ‘i’ve always been boring,’ he jokingly added, somehow managing to keep the ‘you used to like that about me’ reeled in. sutton could just be putting on a friendly face, it was obvious that she was more interesting in establishing some sense of normalcy between them than he was, though he couldn’t imagine why. ‘i’m afraid having a nine to five desk job will do that to you, i was forced to grow up too quickly.’

it was another bullshit answer, but for the sake of the white flag wedged on the table between them, he couldn’t say what was really on his mind. it wasn’t that he’d lost his sense of fun but – something before that sparked and flared with vibrancy and soul wouldn’t ignite anymore, not in the way that it used to. it was indisputable in his art, writing songs about his unavoidable envy, lyrics apologizing to some future girlfriend, because all of his tears had already gone to the girl sitting next to him; a glowing, pink presence. no, his job wasn’t any different. he was still just a lost boy who would be willing to walk hot, broken glass to find his way back to neverland… if that was what she wanted from him. ‘besides, why is it all on me? how do you know i wasn’t relying on you to keep me entertained? i approached you, after all.’ he nearly finished off the rest of the contents in his first tumbler, running his tongue across his teeth as he set it down on the table cloth. cassian finally forced himself to look at sutton, wiggling his eyebrows as soon as the eye contact snapped into place. ‘i must have had some sort of ulterior motive.’

sutton felt the tangible essence of her desperation to keep the mood light between them; she had promised her best friend, the bride-to-be, the girl who was practically her sister, that she would do her very best to be more than civil; she would attempt to be friendly. now, in his presence, she felt the innate need to do just that. to ensure that their interaction avoided awkward lapses or the sharp-edged cut of cassian’s candor. and maybe, if sutton was ever able to admit to herself, there was a part of her that wanted to make these moments count; each second that ticked away led closer to the end of this -- the wedding, or better classified: their temporary common denominator. she did her best to quell the rapid-fire pace of her heart, now thrumming like a hummingbird’s wing in her chest. being here -- with their friends, their family...it was inevitable that sutton felt the nostalgia creeping in. a sensation that had once been quite welcome now a double-edged sword, tipped in poison as memories leaked like ink into her mind. 

she’s nine again, standing beside lyla in her childhood bedroom. decked in chiffon and silk, pinks and cremes everywhere the eye could see, they had stood in the center of her room, standing face to face. in sutton’s hands, she was holding a bouquet made of toilet paper roses, swathed in spare material she had stripped from one of her outgrown tutus. she stood slightly taller than lyla for once, her small feet tucked into a pair of her mother’s heels, snug and with her toes pressed against the edge in attempt to keep them from slipping off. lyla stood across from her in one of her brother’s black sports coats, and held a gaudy, cheap ring from a machine that only accepted a quarter for currency. it was a memory that blurred over time, each instant where they had done this very play-pretend smudging together into one recollection. sutton, offering lyla her left hand as she slid on the ring. their pealing pre-adolescent voices thick with their bostonian accents saying i do with excitement. after, a vision of lyla’s sorrowful face swims to the surface, her paint chipped fingers fidgeting as her mood dropped. it always did after they played wedding; though the girl was always one to offer it as a suggestion to sutton. ever the faithful companion, sutton would ask what was wrong, only for lyla to tell her a slight variation of one thing. ‘you’re going to get married. i don’t think i ever will.’ and sutton’s refusal to listen, to play into the girl’s deprecation of her far-off future, was always fastidious, careful and cautious as she insisted otherwise. but lyla would only press on, determined in her mind about how their lives were going to go. ‘you’re the girl in the fairy tale, sutton. you’re the one prince charming will risk everything for.’

it was a reminiscence that sutton couldn’t have avoided she realized, as the ache of the truth squashed her friend’s decade-old declaration. being here, with the draped canopies and the glow of the fireflies, with the smell of the blooming flora dominating the beautiful yard -- they were here for lyla and tyler, their friends that made love look easier than breathing. how wrong she had been; how different their paths in life had become. lyla was now the princess, and sutton the fool who readers don’t pay mind to as the real love story unfolds, leaving her steadfastly behind. the heartache of it is breathtaking, and even as she gives cassian as much of her attention as she can, the simple act of looking into the warming coolness in his green eyes had her feeling hesitant. if she couldn’t do this, manage her warring heart and mind, she would do it for him. even now, even without thinking, he managed to instill her strength within. a lovely smile adorned her sharp features, laugh lines present as she keeps her gaze on him with an unwavering surety. ‘well, boring or not, i’m still pleased that i was chosen as the person to ensure you enjoy yourself tonight.’ she tilted her head, bare neck now more exposed -- in another world, it would have been an offering. touch me. please. now, it was simply an old habit, her delicate fingers cresting over her nape as the reception’s hired band -- completely different than the one they hired for the wedding -- began to play a live, remixed version of a frankie valli and the four seasons song, frankie’s high falsetto absent as the beat played soundly, causing people to rise and make their way to the dance floor. it was the perfect opportunity. 

bringing the flute to her lips, sutton allowed the rest of the champagne to slide down her throat, her rising courage bubbling alongside the beverage’s carbonation as she stands to her feet. every movement was accented with her natural grace, elegance emanating from her even as she moved across the short stretch of grass that was a threat to the sharp stiletto of her heels. as she reaches the dancefloor, her step doesn’t change as the terrain does -- with the ease in which she had traveled the short distance, her feet could have been bare. then she’s moving, standing amongst the dancing guests, her body instantly in rhythm with the song; she switches out the poised precision from ballet with mindless movements of her gift. she sways as if she’s a part of the music, her hips in time with each pounding of the beat. and this whole time, her eyes were settled on one person; sutton’s inhibitions bled away in the face of the music, of him. another smile stretches her lips as she arches her brows, a challenge that reads let me entertain you as she offers her hand for him to take.

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

everything felt too formal, in a way that was suffocating rather than grandiose. the odd lights and lanterns he’d been admiring only minutes before turned against him, striking sutton in a brilliant glow. she radiated a luster so bright, it only reflected the thirst he’d grown used to, but magnified. from the dignified guests to the way she held herself, perfect in poise and posture as always, it felt more like he was striking up a conversation with some random partygoer he’d met in line, not the girl who held his entire heart in her tiny fist, pumping more poetry out of him with each squeeze. cassian surprised himself when he didn’t flinch at her touch, out of shock and complete unpreparedness more than anything. his exterior didn’t match the warring inside him at the ghost of her hand at his elbow – did he lean into it or pull away? did he break their eye contact, when every time her deep brown gaze flickered between his own, like she couldn’t decide which part of him to focus on, had him reaching out and finding purchase on some nearby surface so his knees didn’t completely buckle?

suddenly her dainty fingers were gone and the spell she’d cocooned them in burst. he wasn’t thinking completely when he looked away from her at last, idly reaching across his body to trail lightly over the joint she had just graced with her attention. her words stung, he had to admit. it was the final let-down, the last rejection he was meant to receive from her, the spurning laced with words that seemed carefully chosen. she was always thinking of his stability and his pride, though he was sorely lacking in that department where sutton was concerned. he still had half the mind to drop his knees where he stood, throw his arms around her stomach and beg her for another chance. it was only due to the mantra he had to keep winding on a loop, like a daily affirmation, that he wasn’t what she wanted anymore. their time had come and passed, and cassian was fortunate enough to bask in the warmth of her for two years. he considered himself to be like a lazy cat, languidly stretched out before a window, utterly taking the sunshine that heated the glass for granted. sutton was the sun, and he should’ve been thanking his stars to be lucky enough to have gotten so close.

still, it seemed that since losing her, cassian had been unable to schedule a meeting with lady luck again. he spared a look back at her, just in time to see the bartender struck witless by one of her smiles. the poor fool was blind, he couldn’t have seen it coming. he was as incapable of defense against sutton as cassian had been the first time he met her, and as he still was. it was futile to attempt to tamper down the immediate disdain he felt towards the bartender, who was entirely innocent but still had been enough to earn a grin that showed off her smile lines, one that he missed being directed his way. ‘a vodka cranberry,’ he said to the man, relaying his go-to drink since he’d neglected to consider what he actually felt like drinking while waiting, and there was an entire, impatient line behind them. ‘make it two,’ he added, certain he was going to need it, and still be ready for refills within a quarter of an hour.

cassian wasn’t going to waste his time by counting his blessings. he merely swallowed any question or retort in his arsenal and followed her, precariously balancing two small, glass tumblers in one hand. before making it to the table, he dipped his head, talking low so only she could hear. there was something he hadn’t gotten the chance to say to her while his brain tried earlier to work through the distant familiarity of her touch. ‘don’t feel like you have to apologize to me. it’s not like i had no idea you have a boyfriend, so i absolutely overreacted. you didn’t do anything wrong.’ he pulled her chair out for her once they’d approached, slightly leaning over it as she took her seat. he glanced at the open spot beside her. he loathed the part of him that couldn’t be sure now if she still wanted his company, if she had just asked him to walk to the round table as a show of peace and solidarity, or if she continued to want him next to her, in her periphery. he sat anyway. ‘you are happy, right?’ he asked, but plowed forward without waiting for a response, he didn’t need to hear the ‘yes’ to know it to be true. ‘at the end of the day, that’s all that’s important.’ he kept his voice low as he set both of his drinks down on the smooth tablecloth. ‘i agree with you, though. we’re here to have a good time and honor our friends tying the knot. we might as well make what little time we have left worthwhile.’ each word felt like a stab to the torso – he felt the pain everywhere, from his throat to the pit of his stomach. he was already saying his goodbyes, no matter how ill-timed, meager, and unclear it might have been. he couldn’t see himself staying at the house one more night after the wedding was over and the reception had been drunkenly danced into the ground. cassian turned to sutton, a friendly smile tugging ever-so-slightly at his lips as he raised a glass toward her, offering a toast. ‘to putting the past behind us.’

sutton let her mind wander in the few moments that it took her to find her seat, her thoughts traveling to places that she once believed to be long forgotten. but cassian’s words echo in her ears, and it’s the lullaby of his voice that makes her yearn to dream of a time where things had been so, so different. each scrape of his gravelly voice was like music to her ears, a melody contrived of all her favorite notes. his laugh had been something she could listen to on repeat for hours, the way it would burst out of him, a beating drum in time with the pulsing thrum of her heart. it was that voice, that harmony she used to think she could forever dance to, twirling and twirling and twirling until she was dizzy -- dizzy from him, dizzy from love, and she knew that if she stumbled, he would always be there to catch her. that same voice had also once been responsible for the flush in her cheeks, the clench of her fingers in the sheets. a whisper from him was once her undoing, the groans that were wanton and forlorn once their solo songs became a shared symphony once their bodies would meet, again and again and again. just the reminder of it was enough to make her knees weaken, an invisible string that was still tied to any and all things cassian being tugged on as the memories became an onslaught; flashes of his flush lips against her warm skin, his taste on her tongue, the way they would both break as they depended on the other to keep them from falling apart. sutton could recall every touch, every instant where her heart felt close to bursting with the weight of the feelings she had once possessed for him. punch-drunk and head over heels, the brunette couldn’t help but think about the way his hands once held her, the way they guided her into a recklessness she had only experienced with him, for him.

her heart practically beats out of her chest as his closeness pulls her from the reverie she had lost herself in, the phantom of his touch causing goosebumps to rise along the surface of her forearms, the tops of her thighs, as his voice rumbles once more. sutton quiets the raucous drum of her heart and flashes him a grateful smile as cassian pulls out her seat. it’s an effort to not allow her knees to come together, and she instead crosses one leg over the other to stem the rush of heat that had flowed from her core the moment cassian had spoken her out of her voyage down memory lane. she knew that her flush must be painfully evident, the tell-tale pink dusting her cheeks as she feels her cheeks warm.

but it was almost comical, how quickly she stops being a blushing bridesmaid as cassian finishes what he was saying as they queued for the bar. the assault of the truth is enough to have sutton trying her hardest not to frown, and she instead opts to take a sip of the carbonated drink before her, hoping the endless bubbles would be the only things that burst, not her heart or resolve. as cassian slips into the chair beside her, sutton elects to ignore the first part of his statement as well as the mini-balancing act that he had going with the drinks, making her attention momentarily flicker back to her earlier recollections. as if she were able to physically rid her self of the thoughts plaguing her, sutton shakes her head minutely, and offers the male beside her the entirety of her attention. as he asks after her happiness, sutton’s honest nature almost has her telling him all of it -- how her mother and her were no longer in contact, that she felt an aching loneliness that was threatening to drown her, how she hadn’t been able to master a routine in months. but his persistence stops the words short, and as cassian barrels on, she’s thankful that while he speaks she can manage to quell the onslaught of word vomit that had threatened to expose her carefully-crafted contentment. she was glad, if anything, that he was none the wiser.

sutton deems to remain silent, allows cassian to fill in all the blanks as he so pleases, her no longer having the heart to continue the nature of their regretful conversation. she wanted to instead move past it, to make the last of these moments with him count, not being able to help the feeling that the time of cassian and sutton was slowly and forever running out. because after this, what of their future? she didn’t see herself asking to be his friend; the question as rude as the answer she assumed she would receive, asking the man who so clearly still loves her to stand aside while she’s with someone else. so when he toasts, she raises her glass, repeating his toast in a soft murmur as she takes another sip, savoring the bitterness of the alcohol as it fizzed along her tastebuds. the champagne was her courage, then, as she looks to cassian; she braces herself, loosing the breath sutton hadn’t realized she was holding as she reaches out, resting a hand on his knee as she looks up into endless green. ‘you know...’ she said, a warm smile causing her lips to turn upward as she attempts to make their interaction lighter, easier. ‘...i don’t remember you being this solemn.’ her raspy voice becomes a teasing, taunting thing as her grin widens. she removes her hand from his knee to shove him playfully just as people start taking their seats. ‘who knew you had become so boring?’ sutton’s words are a challenge, a game, to keep them distracted from the heaviness of all they carried, together and separate. ‘and to think i was relying on you to keep me entertained tonight.’

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

cassian had tried countless times to make sense of the pull he’d always felt towards sutton, the one that existed from the very beginning. she’d inspired songs out of him after their first date, made him wait weeks just to get one kiss, but the time he had to suffer through was happily forgotten when he quickly learned how greedy she really was to get her lips on his. sutton had the uncanny ability to find a reason to pucker her lips in everything they did at first, before his mere existence was enough to earn the endless onslaught of affection that started very early on into their relationship. he wish he could’ve warned himself then to not get too attached to it, but cassian wasn’t so sure he would’ve listened to even himself back then. he fell for sutton like an avalanche, at a break-neck speed, completely destructive to everything he’d come to know up until that point. now he was left with the carnage, waiting for his beautiful disaster to wreck all that he’d build back up in the wake of their collapse.

he could only nod in response to her question, mouth run dry at the inviting purse to her lips and the way they just barely turned up at the corners. always teasing him, without even trying to. he made to step back into the fray, wading out into the throng of guests passing by, and fumbling a gesture similar to the first day at the house, welcoming her to lead the way. he fell in step behind her as the line for the bar came into view again. thankfully, it hadn’t grown any longer in the time since he’d checked last, but regardless, he’d say they had a good ten minutes ahead of them, which was way more time than cassian anticipated he would get… and frankly, above and beyond what he needed to get his words out.

once there was enough walking room to insert himself next to sutton instead of behind her, he ducked his head some, talking low to give off some semblance of a private conversation, despite being surrounded by old friends and strangers alike. the realization that he hadn’t yet run into his mother yet dawned on him, and it was borderline impossible to decide whether that was a fortunate thing. with all the anxiety following him around only considering how he was going to act around sutton, he hadn’t given any thought to his mom also being in attendance. sometimes, cassian was positive she wanted them to get back together more than he did. ‘so, listen, i owe you an apology. i was trying really, really hard not to pull anything like that.’ he paused, followed by a brief, self-deprecating chuckle before he continued. ‘obviously not that hard, but the point is, i knew you didn’t want that, but i did it anyway, and i’m sorry.’ his strides came to a full stop as they neared the end of the queue to get a drink. ‘i’m working on being happy for you. i’m not quite there yet, and it’s not like you and i are ever going to become best friends, or anything, but you seem like you’re doing well, and… that ought to be enough for me.’ the line moved a few inches, and cassian waited for sutton to shift along with it before he followed. cassian tilted his head to the side, brushing his fingers along the cut of his jaw as he recounted the speech he’d been thinking up since he woke that morning. ‘i think i was just feeling a little emotional. no matter how much i tried to prepare myself for you, it wasn’t…’ he trailed off, digging his hands into his pockets as he accompanied the silence with a loose shrug. he looked down, dragging the toe of his shoe in a line through the grass beneath their feet. he was getting vulnerable, but he didn’t feel that he was crossing the invisible line that had been silently and mutually laid out. he was certain, actually, that she would agree with him. if not with anything else, then at least with this. ‘– i thought it was going to be hard, and it was even harder than that.’ cassian looked up then, eyes flitting over her features. he intended to remember every detail from the dinner that he could, there was no way they would be in such close proximity again. another shrug and a soft, resigned smile that exposed his dimple. ‘you’re a tender spot, y’know?’

the girl couldn’t help but long for who she had once been -- she missed the teenager who had fallen head over heels for the boy who managed to steal her heart within mere moments, yearned for the spirit she once possessed when she was addled by the entirety of her love’s presence. she didn’t know it anymore, the softness that had seeped around the edges of her person now hardened by the loss of hope that had ultimately broken any part of her that would have remained undamaged by their parting. with cassian, she had been nothing but herself; vulnerable in a way she was sure she would never again be capable of, laying all of her cards out on the table and showing that each card of hearts was facing directly towards him. and now, in his presence once more, she couldn’t even muster up the strength to do away with the longing that was more intoxicating than any drink she allowed to spill down her throat. 

so sutton allowed herself to bask in it, in the warmth that somehow still managed to emit from him. she skirted the rules that she had set in place for herself within moments of them interacting, and she couldn’t find it within herself to care. there was too much pain permeating beneath the surface, and she was far from being able to maintain her grasp on it at all times. and though the timing of her incapabilities may seem unfortunate, she wondered had cassian been able to see into her mind and read through her thoughts like one of the well-thumbed novels that once sat on their shared bookcase, if he would be able to detect the crumble of her resolve. wondered if he’d realize that her undoing was caused by nothing but those large, ring-clad hands.

as he gestured for her to go ahead of him, sutton made her way carefully across the grass, her precise poise and grace causing a few of the male guests’ gaze to linger on her -- first the tininess of her frame, then to the bare exposure of her neck. she feigned oblivion, pretended as if she didn’t even notice the borderline lecherous twice over that she received from one of the groomsmen who had been given a place per lyla’s mother’s request. had she been asked his name, she would have come up short; there were few men these days that managed to grasp her attention, and a majority of them were currently present, one standing not far behind as she made her way to the queue leading to the bar. once they were in line, sutton’s hands folded delicately in front of her, clutched around the glass that she grasped like a lifeline. she needed an anchor, something to ground her the moment that cassian started speaking, the words rolling off his tongue earning the entirety of her attention. she opted to look at him, peering up into his earnest eyes as he spoke, and she didn’t even try to attempt to mask the emotion that flickered across her devastating features as he strung together the pieces of his apology. as he paused in his onslaught of truth, speaking from what sutton knew was his broken heart, she loosened her grip on the glass flute before placing a hand against his elbow, the gesture as achingly tender as the response she offered him, ‘i know. okay?’ she searched his eyes with her own, finding nothing but genuine emotion amongst the forest green hue. ‘i’m fully aware it wasn’t your intention to hurt me. that it never has been. and i hope -- i hope you know that it’s never been mine, either. i accept your apology, and i offer my own as well. i didn’t mean to drudge up the past and i certainly didn’t intend for you to have to hear what you did. so, truly. i’m sorry.’ her hand only dropped when the people gathered before her shuffled forward, and she returned to holding the glass as if it were the only thing able to keep her from falling apart. 

as she took a step, his soon followed, and her gaze flickered to the movement of his fingers across the sharpness of his jaw, an image that she could have gone this evening without having to witness. she remained silent as he struggled to voice the rest of his feelings, and she felt the warring begin inside herself as her thoughts became a chorus of nothing but reminders of the fault she had in his heartache. her glossed lips turned upwards in a ghost of a smile, it’s origin centered in her guilt. ‘i think, in a way, it will always be like that. for both of us. with everything that’s happened...’ she hesitated, attempting to find the wording before she continued, ‘...it’s inevitable for us to feel so affected by the other. but i feel like that’s true for any two people who share a history like ours.’ sutton stopped speaking then, only when she realized they were finally at the front of the queue, and she placed her glass on the counter before her, steadying herself against the bar before peering up at him as the bartender started to refill the flute. ‘i think it’s best that we just try to make the best out of the time we have here. and to enjoy, and celebrate.’ it’s seconds after she’s spoken that her attention is being guided back to the beverage that was bubbling enticingly before her. she reached for it and offered the bartender one of her prettiest smiles, the grin amongst the ones that was capable of men and women wilting before her like a leaf held to a flame. 

once sutton’s drink was in her hand, the music started to fade, and she heard the announcement bleat through the speakers as the guests were being reminded to find their seats within the next ten minutes. glancing at cassian, she couldn’t stop herself before nodding towards the empty table assigned to the bridal party and asking, ‘shall we?’

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

cassian hoped that one day, he’d be able to find humor in the fact that his week turned out exactly how he dreaded it might, and it was all by his own doing. he was too busy avoiding sutton to notice if she wasn’t doing the same in return, though a chilling certainty wriggled down his spine every time he considered she was, which was more often than not. that first day, cassian had walked into the house with no shame in showing sutton the wreckage she left behind, but as his days bled together and the mortification at what he’d done didn’t subside, his embarrassment became the sole reason behind the totally purposeful evasion of his ex. he wasn’t too prideful to admit he owed her an apology, however he always managed to find an excuse – tyler wanted to go out drinking reigned the most popular, already using up three nights of his small vacation. it was only by some sort of miracle, or cassian really was that humiliated, that he’d managed to stay away from sutton this long, considering how often he’d been drunk, and had to stumble his way past her door to get to his room.

it was the night before the wedding and the manor was overflowing with guests. looking down on the scene from the top of the stairs, he scanned the crowd (or the dips in them) for sutton. satisfied that she likely wasn’t standing in the foyer and greeting guests, he flew down the stairs with brisk steps. the only thing of any immediate concern to him was finding sutton, and saying he express how sorry he was for being so antagonizing, especially when he knew that wasn’t what she wanted from him. he couldn’t be assed to give the people who stopped him on his way to the backyard any real attention. thankfully, he’d discovered a pretty good excuse to get him out of every conversation he was roped into – all he had to do was mention some ‘best man business’ that needed attending and he was gladly shooed away.

stepping into the humid, summer air, cassian was greeted by a series of round tables scattered across the large yard, adorned with an ostentatious centerpiece, flanked by an open bar that already had a line stretching halfway across the party. the entire thing was lit by little bulbs strewn thoughtfully above their heads, and a lantern to give each individual table better more personal lighting. it was all very… picturesque, wasn’t it? so unlike anything his best friend would’ve chosen, but when his line of vision landed on tyler across the yard, and old-fashioned in his hand, talking to the father of the bride. the admiration and respect between the two was palpable. tangible, even from where cassian stood. to say tyler was annoyed when he told him what happened would be putting it lightly. ‘i knew you were gonna pull some shit like this, cassian, but i thought you’d hold out for longer than ten minutes.’ he’d hissed, and reminded him (numerous times since then, as well) that as best man and maid of honor, they were walking down the aisle side-by-side, and cassian had to pull his shit together by then

the thought reignited the urgency behind getting a hold of sutton before the night started. it was much easier for cassian to track down lyla, spying her coming out of the house moments later. the wary look she gave him after asking where he could find sutton was easy to ignore. he really didn’t care what lyla was thinking, there was a reason she wanted to introduce her best friend to him in the first place, years ago. ‘i just want to apologize,’ he explained, and seconds later, he was setting off in the direction she pointed him, focused on keeping his legs moving, stopping to talk to no one as he walked with a strident purpose. 

his legs simply stopped moving when he set his sights on her. frankly, it was far from the first time something like this had happened, from the minuscule bend in his knees, the slight drop in gravity as he lost feeling in his legs for a few frightening moments. of course, she commanded the room in the gentlest shade of pink, hair bound simply in a low, unadorned ponytail. her jewelry was minimal – cassian swore he felt his tongue grow heavier in his mouth as green eyes devoured a completely bare neck, her collarbones jutting out tantalizingly, beckoning and begging for his attention. his fingers twitched at the thought of getting intimate with the hem of her dress, or help but bite his lip as he imagined peeling her low-cut neckline with his teeth.

sometime in the middle of his wet daydream, his feet had moved of their own accord, apparently remembering before he did that he had come this way with a goal in mind. ‘sutton,’ he called out weakly as he approached, keeping his hands tucked away behind his back. he managed to muster up a broad grin, as genuine as he could make it while fighting to keep his gaze from straying to her neck. ‘could i talk to you, for a quick second?’ he held them up then, palms out and up, like he was surrendering something over to her. ‘it’ll be completely harmless, i promise.’

the chatter of the crowd had dulled to a quiet hum, sutton electing to ignore the entirety of the small talk that was being exchanged between the guests who were just oh so excited for tomorrow’s event. had sutton been feeling any type of festive, she would have joined in, speaking up when she agreed with a certain sentiment, chiming in with her fellow bridesmaids as they gushed and gushed about how breathtaking lyla was going to look in her dress; but it was a feat that she had decided to abandon, a part of her maid of honor responsibilities that she had opted out of at her very first chance. and lyla was more than understanding, allowing sutton to have as much time as she desired to herself, to recover from the emotional assault that she had endured in the brief moments she had spent with cassian. it wasn’t long that she could keep the thoughts of her and her best friend’s conversation away, her words swimming to the forefront of sutton’s mind as she raised the delicate flute of champagne to her glossed lips. as the carbonation danced welcomingly over her tastebuds, the memories flashed with a startling clarity, lyla’s confused and anguished expression being the first to appear. she felt as though it was somehow her fault, for making them all come here so soon, thinking herself selfish for coming up with this idea for them to travel as a party to massachussetts -- but sutton had only urged her not to feel guilty, and even expressed a slight inkling of how she felt, of why she had reacted so badly to cassian’s words. after her confession, the tension in lyla’s shoulders softened, and she promised sutton that if anything else were to go wrong, to come find her and allow her to handle it.

the thought of it at all was quite amusing as she thought about it, about how lyla was now vowing to protect the honor that sutton herself had believed she lost long ago. in the case of cassian, she knew that she was now more capable of handling an interaction with him, the truth of his words leaving her emotions raw and vulnerable, rubbed red with the heavy ache of the honesty he shared. she knew that she was strong enough to handle whatever he offered her, the shields in place around her healing heart holding more firm than before with the knowledge she had gained from their brief conversation. but even with this in mind, sutton had made a point to avoid him -- if she didn’t make herself available to interact with, she could completely sidestep any attempt of his to speak to her; but as it was, he must have had the same idea, turning into a ghost after the incident in the drawing room. which was fine -- she didn’t blame him, and she knew that there was still much more anger permeating beneath the surface, waiting to rise to the occasion if baited. so she stayed out of his way as he continued to tiptoe around her, managed to distract herself with the practice that the song would require. 

her body was sore in a way that she welcomed, the ache in her bones from the hours she had spent this week to perfect the choreography, finally finding the precision she had been in search of. once she had attained it, the rest was history, and it only took so long before she was going over the steps in her mind while she wasn’t rehearsing, the languid movements on a continuous loop. the song was playing through sutton’s mind as she stood there in the backyard, the warm breeze of summer disrupting the couple strands of hair that were loose of the ribbon she had tied in her golden hair. the wan light from the lanterns strengthened with each passing moment as sutton watched over the party, the notes of cassian’s composition lulling her into a place of deep thought, a place where he seemed to be ever present. fireflies waltzed around her, adding more illumination amongst the guests, and causing a nuisance for others. but she was fond of them, her brown eyes following them with ease as she continued to slowly sip her champagne. 

her quiet moment of introspection was over sooner than she hoped as a tall, looming figure made his way through the crowd -- in what seemed to be her direction. the fireflies were quickly forgotten as she drank in his appearance, feeling that familiar jolt in her being, the unfurling of desire like a snake coiling in the warm sun. it was one that she had managed to control before, but it proved more difficult as her attention strayed to the exposed skin of his chest, a small sliver of the creamy skin beneath enough to make her rethinking every decision she had made up until that point. and he was only getting closer, the cause of the nerves that threatened to disrupt sutton’s tranquility. and as he finally approached, sutton’s speechless, unsure of what to say with him so close, the smell of his cologne causing her mouth to water; she passed it off as something that was instinctual, akin to muscle memory -- the smell was one she had been addicted to, and she couldn’t go to war with herself over the kind of memories that they brought to the surface, her body simply reacting as anyone in the presence of a past lover’s would. sutton realized then just how good she had become at lying to herself. 

she didn’t make to move away from him, either, as he spoke and practically pleaded to her him out -- she wasn’t against it, knowing that cassian wasn’t a fool, and would be signing his death note if he were to make a scene a second time, let alone at the rehearsal dinner that was meant to go smoothly. so before she knew it, she nodded, agreeing to talk to him if it meant that they would be able to part amicably. it was all she wanted, really -- to be able to share the same room as him and not be caught up in their past, to celebrate the friends that they loved so much. because really, had it not been for them, the two wouldn’t be standing across from each other like this, with six months of unspoken things on the tips of their tongues. ‘sure.’ she peered up at him, meeting his green gaze, before peering back at her champagne, and the flute that had seemed to empty much quicker than she had earlier believed. ‘walk with me to get a refill?’ she asked, a half-smile quirking her lips as she motioned to her empty glass. 

[suttonattwood-blog]

SUTTON ATTWOOD — AESTHETIC SERIES 002/ ???

“she glows when she smiles. i dipped my hands into the soft gold of her sunrise and came away aching with sweetness. her kisses were like honey in their soft mellow flavors. her kisses were like the sun. i watched her light play upon the waves of my ocean, delicately spun rivulets of lace and foam that tore me apart with the beauty of it.

she lit up my night sky.”

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

cassian was sickened by himself and the way he relished in the sweet, sweet satisfaction of her agonized expression. good. she, by all accounts, was perfectly fine, she was in love, she felt comfortable enough to kiss him on the cheek as a greeting, because she could handle that kind of meaningless intimacy with him. it didn’t affect her anymore. yet, his words did. he saw the way she held herself unnaturally still when his rampage began, in the quivering of her voice when she uttered his name. he’d be lying if the familiar sound didn’t make him feel feeble, like a cramp was beginning to form in his stomach. good, he thought once more, the discomfort she exuded was enough to soothe the burn, if only a little. he never thought he would find consolation in his girl hurting, but it lessened the throbbing of his gut as it dawned on him that it was probably time to let go of the last bite of hope he’d been so fiendishly nurturing for six months.

a loud, bark of a laugh was out of his mouth before his brain had even completely caught up with what she said. the typist in cassian’s head that powered his tongue was often much quicker than his emotions were, racing to greet with oxygen for the first time before his sense of self had the right mind to tell him when not to say things. words came naturally to him, it was how he could pen song after song – he’s sure that’s how he convinced sutton to fall for him in the first place, building sanctuaries out of his sentences, each syllable laced sincerity and adoration that only grew. even now, when she was still obviously trying to be kind to him. if he’d taken the couple of seconds needed to consider he’d laid himself open enough and she didn’t want to see this, he might have just left the room to spare her from the wrangle of letters he simply had to profess the moment she took a breath. ‘all i want and all i need is more time with you, sutton.’ he stood straight, turning to face her with his palms open towards her, unreserved. ‘i’m dealing with it, okay? i’m trying, but i am angry, and i’m not okay, and that’s just something you are going to have to deal with, too. pardon me for lacking the sympathy.’

cassian made to move past her then, the piano was calling to him and the bench was a place for him to sit, work out the restless anxiety he felt in his joints by pressing his feet against the pedals. it was a grave mistake to take a glance at her now exposed neck as he breezed by, instantly catching sight of the faded, burgundy bruise, so stark against her creamy skin. he couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed it before. hurriedly, he looked away, making a show of shuffling through his songs another time, but he wasn’t reading the titles as they whirling in and out of his vision. the bold, typed fonts mixed with his handwritten scribbles as something quickly rose in him and burst, his movements halting altogether as a few more mistakes fumbled from his lips. ‘i saw you in my dreams again last night, but this time it felt more real than the others. probably because i knew i’d be seeing you today.’ cassian couldn’t look at her. he didn’t want to witness how she would recoil at his truthfulness, he only wanted to keep the memories of the smiles his words used to bring, or the pink peals of laughter and rosy cheeks. they were together for two years, and he never stopped learning new ways to make her blush. the longing was going to smother him. ‘i feel strangled around you. i feel like i’m just… choking.’ another laugh – sad in sound, resigned. ‘i breathe better with your hand on my throat.’

a tightness wound up just behind his sternum – a strain at his throat, a sting at the rims of his eyes that forewarned the tears that were going to come out for a quick ‘hello’ if he kept up with the way he was talking. he inhaled sharply through his nostrils, and shook his head at the end of his exhale, followed by a shudder of his shoulders. he blinked, and the sheet music seemingly appeared out of thin air in front of him. for a minute, what the two of them were actually there to do — the only reason she agreed to be alone with him – had left his mind entirely.  ‘i apologize, i shouldn’t have…’ he gestured at her, feeling a little childish at the persisting and stubborn refusal to look at her. ‘– shouldn’t have said any of that. we have more more important things to be worrying about right now, so, if you want to go stretch, or something, i’ll look for the song.’ he cleared his throat, and opened his mouth, but nothing came out as he tampered down the desire to once again offer her a file of the song instead. the coward’s way out, he thought, and his teeth snapped shut.

the nature of his voice was enough to have sutton on the verge of breaking, her heart splintering at it’s already fragile edges as she listened to the way some of the words cracked once they were spoken; she didn’t want to hear this, the words that she had known were moments away from surfacing -- didn’t want to experience the emotions that would be nothing less than an onslaught once they were spoken into existence. she could hear every sense of his pain, every moment that he had spent without her only making him weaker with every passing day. and the guilt was enough to choke her, to make her feel like she was just as breathless as him, stifled to the point of suffocation, her lungs screaming out for reprieve. and she had to just stand there, to listen to everything he had to say, to hear him out after allowing all of his feelings to fall on deaf ears. it was the worst kind of revenge she could have imagined, him reaching and wrapping those long fingers around her heart as if he had always known it was still in his hands, regardless of the time she had spent in someone else’s bed. the wounds were opened fresh by his confession, her expression only growing more and more hurt as he continued to speak.

but then he’s not speaking anymore, and she doesn’t know how she held herself together in the silence that was so loud, deafening in it’s presence; she felt her arm curling around her abdomen, an attempt to hold herself together as the shame and the longing threatened to rip her to pieces. she stayed in that position, unable to move as he made his way around the piano and finally took his seat, his hands restless as always as he shuffled through various sheets of music, having trouble looking for the right song. every inkling of desire to dance was gone now, having evaporated the moment that he voiced his hurt. but before she knew it his voice is filling the room again, and she can’t breathe -- she really can’t, and she feels her head begin to pound, the knot in her throat growing to a point of pain. ‘cassian,’ she breathed, trying to get it out for him to stop before he started again, but she knew the words were lost as he poured his heart out, and she couldn’t do it. she could feel the bruise left from casey throbbing against her neck as guilt washed over her like a tidal wave, a tsunami of shame enough to have her hand clenching against her abdomen -- the way her eyes stung, the way it felt to not just think, but to know how much pain she caused him...it was too much to bear.

the ache in his laughter was her undoing. she felt her heart break completely then, as the weight of what she did shifted to her chest, her heart crushing beneath the pressure of her own betrayal. ‘just stop,’ she asked, more of a plea, as he continued on, and as he described the way he felt, her eyes fluttered close as the tears finally came, stinging at the edge of her eyes, before she spoke up once more, her voice some how gaining substance. ‘stop!’ she practically demanded, her body uncurling from the position she hadn’t realized she had folded into. ‘i can’t -- i can’t hear this. i can’t listen to you tell me how much i broke your heart.’ her eyelashes fan against her cheeks as she opened her eyes, her hands coming up to brush away the tears that were now staining her cheeks, the blush long gone. every thought she had about this being able to go well, about being able to endure and save face was gone; she couldn’t do this, couldn’t stand here and pretend like everything was okay. so she doesn’t -- she took the opportunity to hold her phone close to her chest. she shook her head as she tried to mask the emotion that was only further exposing her hand with each passing moment.

‘just -- just send me the...the file for the song. i need to excuse myself.’ she murmured, her voice barely audible as she made her way towards the door. sutton would have turned back, would have apologized on bailing on the plan that he had obviously invested himself in, but she couldn’t get his words out of her mind. i saw you in my dreams again. sutton was silent as she made her exit, her fingers on the doorknob for only a moment before more words come back, a taunting, terrible thing that she knew had just been the way he truly felt. i breathe better with your hand on my throat. and maybe she is a masochist, because as she makes her way through the familiar layout of the home and does her best to avoid the wedding party that was laughing in the dining room, the sound of another champagne bottle opening as she ascended the stairs and made her way to the room she was meant to be sharing with lyla for the week. it was only once she closed the door behind her and leaned back against the wood that she let herself crumple completely, a soft sob leaving her chest as she sank to the floor, hiding her face in her hands as she let the tears flow, her chest shaking with the effort.

i’m not okay, i’m not okay, i’m not okay.

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

before cassian had the shot to squeeze in his own opinion, that maybe spending so much time alone really wasn’t the wisest course of action they could have taken, she was relaying his orders, and he was helpless to nod along. he, at least, possessed enough willpower to not turn his head and watch while she walked away, instead keeping his thousand-yard stare and stability in the spot she just vacated, looking like a dream in the fourth position. it took a few moments to get his feet moving, and then he felt like sprinting the entire way to the car that was still parked outside, that had some household attendants dealing with his luggage. just how maniacal would he look if he asked them to take him back to the airport so he could go home? much less mad than he was sure to be once the wedding was done, and he would undoubtedly go back to avoiding every locale in cincinnati he knew he might find her in.

he evaded contact with everyone as he speed-walked to the car, making brief, but polite conversation with a woman outside, apologizing for the mess he’d cultivated as he dug around in his suitcase for his book. it was less than a book as this point, and more like a bunch of loose lyrics and wayward sheets of music together into one conveniently messy pile, bound by worn leather. sutton told him five minutes, but he was taking his time. he stopped for a quick chat with the bride’s mother upon stepping foot back inside the house, asking where the drawing room was, and if it was all right that he used her piano. she only laughed, telling him it was mostly there for decoration, anyway, and he was more than welcome to play it. he fought to keep the vaguely offended look from his face as he ambled off in the direction she pointed him, grumbling something about instruments being misused, when his favorite sound came from the somewhat open doorway he was steadily approaching. sutton’s voice.

the door was silent as he pushed it completely ajar. he’d been expecting creaky hinges in a house as old as this one, at least, but he wasn’t surprised to find that it was also clearly well taken care of. there she stood against the piano, a sight of complete familiarity in her leotard and hair coiled into a bun. there was a flash of a split second where he could have even pretended she was speaking to him – the intimate, hushed tone to her voice sparked some kind of muscle memory before he remembered it wasn’t something reserved just for him, anymore. how easy it was to forget when she was standing right there. 

cassian shouldn’t have been listening. he was on the verge of clearing his throat and making his presence known… then, sutton said she loved him, and any decorum or basic knowledge he had for respecting someone’s privacy took a few tentative steps out of the doorway he was vacating, before it ran down the hallway away from him. fuck. she loved him? they’d only been apart for some months, just barely more than he could count on one hand, and she was already in love with someone else? an emotion comparable to rage took over as he closed the door – loudly, and took long, purposeful strides up to the piano, dropping his book carelessly and loudly next to the music desk. he tore open the useless strap to rifle through his papers and hide the tremor quaking his hands. it also gave him somewhere to look that wasn’t her, anything to focus on other than the hot flashes alighting his chest. he hardly remembered to give the piano a good look – a black, baby grand, barely used, just as lyla’s mom had said. it was practically in pristine condition, he almost felt guilty for soiling it with the oils from his skin. 

finally, the silence was too much. not much time at all had passed, but his throat was contracting with the need to say any words at all. he’d spend too much time wondering and steaming over her new relationship, ever since cassian had run into the guy himself. casey – what a stupid fucking name. it occurred to cassian that he truly didn’t think sutton expected him not to be bitter, and so a closed-lip, saccharine smile didn’t reach his eyes appeared once he turned them toward her. ‘didn’t want to bring the new boyfriend to come and play, did you? or is he going to be making some grand entrance later?’ he stalked off then, too cowardly to watch the way she looked at him alter into something else, and instead moved to push a loveseat towards the wall. she would need more room than that to dance. his fingers flexed against the armrest as the sofa grated unkindly across the hardwood floor. ‘i know i’ve heard his name before, but for the life of me i just can’t remember. remind me again, because i recall it sounding wildly similar to mine.’

sutton’s relaxed position turned rigid with the shock of the loud, abrasive sound of the door sweeping shut, her heart taking off at a hurried pace as her veins turned to liquid anxiety, coursing alongside her blood and stating it’s presence. she had barely had time to react to the intrusive noise before her warm hues were flickering to the source, cassian having just entered the room. her fingers were still clutched around her cellphone as she watched his tall frame tower over the instrument, his long fingers restless as they placed his all too familiar song book atop the lid that kept the strings safe beneath. she was glad that it hadn’t been propped open -- though she knew that cassian was much too polite to harm someone else’s belongings or to taint an instrument in the slightest. she could tell within a second’s glance that he was more than angry -- his aura reddening with a rage that she knew he must have kept quietly reserved for any and all things involving her. through their relationship, they seldom argued, or even raised their voices; both in tune with their art in such a way that it would often draw frustration from that human part of them, the part that refused to be anything but the best they could achieve. even then, when irritation would overcome him, she would coax him out of the negative headspace with kind words and gentle touches, placed carefully along his jaw, his cheeks -- forcing him to look at her and to remember the more important things.

but now? she was frozen, speechless as he breezed through the room with an air so different than his usual one, abandoning his attempt at a steady, careful demeanor, and instead letting his anger bleed into every jerky movement. sutton couldn’t help but resent herself for her part in this, in the conversation that he must’ve overheard. she felt foolish, trying to balance between her two warring worlds, and now she could feel remorse tight in her throat, stifling her breath and any apology she could have strung together in an attempt to fix what they were so painfully trying to ignore what was so clearly broken. he hadn’t even spoken yet, but she could practically hear the tick, tick, tick as his broken heart turned into a burning fuse, the male a time bomb on the verge of detonation.

sutton was sure of his anger the moment his voice broke the silence, his words tight as they left him with a haste reminding her of the restraint he no longer had on himself. he allowed himself to loosen the reigns on that emotion, the tight grip slackened the moment he had been struck by her small betrayal. her expression remained neutral for only a moment, until his carefully aimed words struck her right where it hurt. the sting of the word boyfriend was enough to have her mind seeking comfort to the small hurt, but she was more than aware that the pain these two could cause each other was far from physical, wounds scarring the inside of her heart, her mind, her soul. ‘cassian,’ she said, speaking his voice weakly -- it was the first time she had spoken it in it’s entirety in months, choosing to evade the collection of syllables as well as any subject surrounding them. it felt foreign on her tongue, and yet so familiar, a warmth threatening to take over the iciness he had injected into her being with the sharpness of his words. but it was all she could say before he’s speaking again, each of his movements jerkier than the last as he pushed the small loveseat further from the center of the room, an action she noticed he must have done in the attempt to create more space for her to move. it was all too much, then, as she realized the consideration, the kindness and the familiarity that he still couldn’t escape when it came to her. it made her feel sick, nausea overcoming her as she realized that he was in no way moving on, the bitterness in his following statement enough to attest to this newly discovered fact. he was, it seemed, feeling worse than she could have possibly imagined -- staying stagnant in the heartbreak that had been perpetuated over the span of six months.

her gaze fell as she looked to the phone still clenched in her hands, feeling guilty in a way that she could never express. the words that she had spoken on the phone had been out of a newly-forged habit of hers, one to convince herself of her lack of need for the man currently standing before her, and to remind her that she could move on. that she could do this, live her life, without him. but it was a futile effort, one that sutton felt laced with dishonesty every time her full lips murmured the three word claim. and now it was poison on the tip of her tongue, leaving an acrid taste in her mouth as she spoke to him after what must have been only seconds of silence. ‘casey isn’t coming for the sole reason that i didn’t want you to...’ she trailed off, eyes meeting the taut muscles of his back, thinking that the rest of her statement was quite clear by how he had already acted, ‘-- i didn’t want to rub it in your face.’ she sighed, anguish clear as it crumpled her symmetric features. ‘but i don’t want you to be angry with me. i’ve already made my point clear, why i think everything happened the way it did, and i need you to be okay with that.’

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

as sutton folded herself to fit snugly into the seat, the image of himself crawling once again burst into his mind. it seemed like she was tucked away from him, and he wanted to her see open before him – emotionally, without this heavy weight between them that felt phony, no matter how present it was. his eyes trailed from her feet to the turtleneck concealing his favorite spot to kiss. his spine straightened some when another brief memory breezed by – sutton’s toes curling as cassian’s tongue became acquainted with the underside of her jaw. the small hands now laced under her chin always entwined in his curls. he still forgot those were gone, sometimes, but when they went, so did most of the memories attached to them, much like the ones he was currently suffering through, just watching her fingers knot together. 

he thought he should probably feel some elation at the thought of now getting to spend more time with her than he’d let him pin his hope on, but something akin to dread crept over him when she agreed… and much more eagerly than he had expected. he was doing fine now, but how could he be required to maintain any semblance of composure when he would see her dance to a song that had actually been penned for her, months ago, at a wedding, of all places? ‘well, i originally wrote it with a guitar, but i fixed to arrangement to fit a piano. i thought it would be easier to dance, too, and – well, i ended up liking it better, anyway.’ he paused, taking in the way she was literally on the edge of her seat, like she was all set to get started on this little project of theirs immediately. did she really want to spend all that time with him? it wasn’t him who wanted the relationship to end, and he’d certainly spent countless nights reliving the night they broke up, only a little humiliated by the desperation that fueled his tears when he tried to prevent her from leaving. ‘tyler wanted to treat this as a vacation, too, so they guys aren’t doing anything today… or tomorrow, but i’m sure you have plenty more on your plate. i mean –’ how does one politely tell someone to not feel obligated to hang out with them without sounding like a goddamn martyr? ‘i can send it to you as like, an mp3 file, if you’d prefer.’

she felt sinful, desperately drinking in every aspect of his appearance while she had the chance. she embodied the dark green shade of greed as she documented the aspects that she knew she would miss the most when they were gone -- memorizing the exact green of his irises, the evening light sheeting the room in a golden glow that made his pale skin look less haunting. sutton, still perched on the edge of the chaise lounge, was stuck, half listening to his words as amber eyes flickered back and forth to the various rings he had stuffed on his long, nimble fingers. and she hates it, because they keep drawing her attention, his mannerisms the same as always as he explains the details, his hands moving as he did so. she watched them spread wide at a point, and made a subtle movement to shift in her seat, her kneecaps knocking together, her heart a bowling ball hurtling down the alleyway. heat flooded her being for a brief moment, but she extinguished all further thought, opting instead to focus carefully on the words that cassian spoke, and solely them. as he finally finished rambling, her eyes rolled in a way that was meant to be playful, on the edge of taunting, before she smiled at him, fond the only word to describe the nature of the grin that now split her pretty, sharp features. ‘piano is perfect. if i’m remembering correctly, when they showed us around the manor, there was a piano in the drawing room. so, i mean...’ sutton trailed off, before peering down at her feet. she smiled to herself, small and private, as she realized she was standing fourth. it was a habit she had possessed since she was in the fifth grade, and it reminded her of her quiet resilience and determination that got her where she was today. that rush of confidence was enough to have sutton stand, and state exactly what she intended to happen in the next few minutes. ‘from what you’re saying, it sounds like you have time to do this. i want to start now, so we can work out the bumps and kinks.’ she nodded, her usually wavering voice slightly more firm as she did so. ‘i’m going to go change really quickly, and you should meet me in the drawing room in--,’ she glanced at the dainty watch encircling her thin wrist, ‘five minutes.’ 

it wasn’t surprising that she took less time then she had set out for herself -- sutton wasn’t ever really unprepared -- in the physical realm of her life, at least, the emotional being highly uncooperative as of current -- and it was only after meticulously peeling off her flats as well as her skirt and the sweater that she had practically swam in. she folded them lazily, no real process to the action before she’s dropping them to rest upon the pile of her things. she then searched through the front pocket of her bag for all of a second before she’s grabbing her jazz shoes and one of her more modest body suits. she finished dressing, peeling the small thong away from her skin as a slight chill ran through her, her goosebumps rising on her arms as the air hits her exposed skin. her nipples harden almost immediately, and thus causes her to finishing dressing with haste. as for her bun, it wasn’t difficult -- she swept her hair up into the style she did everyday, her edges earlier sleeked in her ponytail. as she finished, she walked into the drawing room, footsteps silent as she rested her hands on her hips and assessed the space. it was as she’s eyeballing the distance, trying to estimate the square footage that her phone vibrated from where it rested against her ribcage. it jolted her, but she immediately calmed when she read the name that flashed on the screen. she slid the pad of her thumb across the glass to answer, and rested against the piano, her back to the door for a semblance of privacy.

her and casey spoke for a few moments, her voice hardly a whisper as she murmured into the phone, him reminding her how much he missed her, and if the small love bruise below her collarbone was still visible. she told him the truth -- it was fading, but you would see it if you knew what you were looking for. that only earned a sound of satisfaction from him, one that made her fingers clench into a fist that looked especially delicate, what with the twinkle of her charm bracelet and the glint of her nail garnish. her toes soon followed, and she released a deep breath before breathing the words, ‘okay, bye -- yes, i will. okay. i love you, too. okay, yes, i said yes.’ a laugh left her, as she finished the phone call, ‘very funny, now goodnight.’ and hung up the phone.

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

from cassian’s view at the bottom of the stairs the loose sweater she wore looked almost white. it wasn’t until he was steps away that he could tell that it was just barely pink – a detail he stored away for later, when he would to recount every glimpse and gesture shared between them, hoping to find anything between those lines that he could latch onto. he wasn’t at all surprised to find her in that color, no matter how subtle the hue. if cassian could see auras, sutton’s would be pink. he couldn’t see it without her ballet shoes coming to mind or a flash of a memory – baby pink fingernails leaving a feather-light trail down his chest, the flushed tone of a scarf, tangled with wind-whipped golden hair. even the way she made him feel, if he could describe it, was pink. together, they were a summertime rosé. he loved the many different tinges of the pretty blush that suffused her face, much like the one reddening her unblemished cheeks and freckled nose now. he could give a name to the countless tints of pink she was, and wouldn’t show any hesitation if asked which ones were his favorites. seeing her blush was so customary for him, he almost lost himself, though he pictured how the moment might have played out: hands next to each other on the railing, their skin touching just enough to taunt, the intimate bend to his spine as he leaned down next to her ear and whispered, remember when i used to make you blush a lovely shade of freshly fucked?

he hardly would call that nice, though, so, he refrained himself. besides, last he had heard, she’d moved on. it was an accomplishment in itself that he kept the quips reeled in at the thought of him. cassian had had plenty of time to go over exactly what he’d say to her given the chance. now that he had the opportunity wide open in front of him, he chose to forget everything he’d prepared. perhaps a drunken cassian would have more confidence than he did.

though there had been a part of him that suspected she wouldn’t return his hug, no amount of time, drugs, or pathetic songs could’ve prepared him for the press of her lips against his skin, only centimeters from his own mouth. his fist clenched, his throat ached with the need to swallow the lump of pride lodged behind his adam’s apple, his tongue yearned to relearn the warmth behind the eagerness in the way she kissed. god, she was right there, and he just had to shut his eyes – he couldn’t bear the sight of her full eyelashes against her soft skin in such close proximity. it was so much, too much. it took him a couple of seconds to remember where he was and what exactly they were now. nothing, he had to remind himself of that grim reality daily. ten seconds in her presence and he was already using it as a crutch to tether him to the sanity he’s pretty sure he left outside.

cassian was defenseless against the bat of her eyes, ducking his chin, despite him already having to gaze down at her, as he made a weak gesture with his hand for her to lead the way. he saw no harm in enjoying the view as he followed her a short distance down the hall. her slim waist was shown off by the short, high-waisted skirt, however, the tantalizing cinch at her middle could never distract him from the hem resting high on her thighs. he would follow her around on his fucking hands and knees if that meant she would let him remember what it was like to be underneath that fabric. cassian would be happy to crawl, if it took him where he desired to go.

he shut the door with a soft click, and the room around him was a complete blur as he rushed somewhere toward the middle. he didn’t take in his surroundings, only vaguely noted the plush sofa he managed to seat himself on the arm of. ‘so,’ he started immediately, hands clasped politely in his lap. ‘as maid of honor and best man, this is probably something i should’ve brought up to you sooner, but it only occurred to me recently.’ another lie. he was on a roll today. ‘but, you and i are supposed to give speeches, yeah? i’m sure you already have yours all ready, because so do i, and you’re more… on top of things than i am, to put it lightly.’ his words were accompanied with a light-hearted shrug, intended to drain some of the tension he felt between them, even if he was certain he must’ve been imagining it. ‘anyway, i thought it’d be nice if maybe i sang a song i wrote for them, and you could dance to it? i know it’s pretty last minute, and you probably have enough going on this week without piling choreographing a dance on top of it, so, feel free to say no.’

since she was a little girl, sutton had always lusted after the perfect love story. from the ones depicted in the various animated films that she was urged to watch by her friends as a child, to the romantic comedies that her mother introduced her to before she was old enough to hold pointe. sutton had been meg ryan searching for her tom hanks for as long as she could remember before she was lucky enough to get set up with cassian, by none other than lyla and tyler themselves -- she felt like the song that would signal the start of their love story was one that she would never get out of her head; a song made of nervous laughter and raw vocal chords, whispered promises and murmured confessions. it was one that she still often found stuck on a constant loop in the back of her mind, now a broken record that only reminded her how wrong for each other they had become, of how different things now were. it was a bittersweet tune, reminiscent of the life she had thought she always wanted and warring with the true desire that laced it’s self through her being, to her core, to her marrow. she was married to dance, and she knew, now, that as far as she could see, cassian would remain the closest she would ever get to a fairy tale.

but life wasn’t a movie, and no matter how much she wanted to be meg ryan, sutton was nothing but an extra, a forgotten face amongst the rest in the background, meant to stand audience as the main actress united with her true love. and she accepted it, knew there was no epic quality to her mundane life, no spark or excitement -- it was a never ending whirlwind of disappointment, each day full to the brim with reminders of her not being good enough. with dance, she was doing nothing but falling behind, doing the best she could to learn the new routines while they were still being taught, but it seemed as though her mind was elsewhere, distracting her from the time that was essential to her understanding of the complex choreography, and leading to her being once top of the class and now trailing behind everyone else. the entirety of it was enough to leave her ashamed, quiet disappointment a constant in the warmth of her brown eyes. she wondered, now, if cassian would be able to see right through her facade, and to the withering of her spirit beneath. wondered if after all this time he saw her, just like she sees him, too.

as sutton watched cassian moments after she reestablished a friendly distance between them, her heart flared and gave out like a spent bulb at the sight of him ducking his head, a loose curl falling against the flat of his forehead as she hides away his expression, leaving her feeling lost and anxiety ridden in the moments that he didn’t speak. she didn’t know that she had crossed a boundary -- hoped the gesture would lead to things mending further between them, and not the opposite. even with the pain that was written in every line of his expression, she couldn’t help but hope that not all kindness had been lost, that she could still be some part of herself when she was around him. it was a feat, after all, that she had not deemed unimportant. sutton had never dismissed the way in which he welcomed every part of who she was, with open arms and a smile warm enough to heat the ice that had solidified her veins in these months without him. 

she’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss it.

sutton decided to neutralize her expression, her full lips neither curling into a smile or jutting in a pout; she realized that furthering this particular interaction, what with the space between them, and the broadness of his hand only inches from hers, she realized how much she needed to distance herself, to rid them of the tension that was growing more palpable with every second they spend in each other’s presence. she’s glad when he beckons her towards the room she had mentioned, and she leads the way in silence, feeling slightly self conscious as she fidgets with the hem of her skirt, both of her small hands at the front of her skirt and fingering at the pleat at the edge that was utterly amazing at ridding her of the anxiety that threatened to stifle her every breath. 

once they’re in the room, she finds a place to sit, draping her petite frame across a chaise, her knees tucked together as she folds them against the plush cushions of the seat. her fingers can’t seem to sit still, and she knows that it will only further draw cassian’s attention to her, so sutton opts to knit them together on the armrest, her sharp chin perched atop her delicate hands. she was aware of her tininess, but she couldn’t help but want to make herself smaller in the unfaltering presence of the man who seemed to stand even taller than the last time she had seen him. as the door shut, her heartbeat inevitably quickens, the two of them more alone than they had been in over half a year. she felt sick, but tried to cure the warring inside herself with a reminder that everything was okay, that she was, as cassian told her the reason behind why they were here.

‘oh,’ sutton breathed, the moment that cassian had finished explaining why he had called her in alone. she didn’t really know what to say, at first -- she knew that doing something like that, for lyla and tyler no less, would be something that people would be talking about for years. it was an idea that, ultimately, impressed sutton a considerable amount, seeing as it took quite a lot to pull her out of the pit of despair she was so content to wallow in. ‘well,’ she began, eyes meeting his, and she did her best not to get lost amidst the forest green. she smiled, soft and sweet, as she feigned thinking about it, lifting her chin from her hands and tapping her fingertip against it. ‘you’re right, i am more on top of things than you,’ she said, her voice a light tease, and she even laughed, a pealing of soft bells, ‘and i do have a speech. but i think that idea is lovely, cass. i think lyla would love it.’ she stated, though her current inspiration was quite lacking, considering the way things had been going for the ballerina. ‘i have a routine that i’ve been meaning to perfect anyway, so there’s tweaks and adjustments that i can make in order to fit whatever song you pick.’ she moved to stand, now perched on the edge of the chaise. ‘when shall we start?’

[suttonattwood-blog]

cassiandrexler:

the ache at the crest of cassian’s spine hardly brought him any true discomfort as mason slung an arm roughly around the back of his neck, dragging his tall frame down to meet his friend’s stature. cassian could feel the sweat from the inside of mason’s elbow on his skin, and smell the bottles of beer he’d consumed during the drive from the airport, so close to his cheek that it almost felt damp when he pulled away. no – the pain wasn’t so bad when it distracted him from the hellish twist of his stomach as the boys further approached the large estate looming in front of them. he duly welcomed the discomfort in his upper back if he didn’t have to think about the dark cloud that’s been waiting for him as the wedding drew closer… who was waiting behind those doors.

he hung towards the back of the group as they shuffled up the walkway, a small clique of young men there to support his best friend, who was leading the quintet with a broad smile and his head held high. the skip in his step was unmistakable – cassian had half the mind to begin whistling the ‘dee-dum, dee-dee’ tune from that one peter pan song. a feminine giggle from the open set of french doors in front of them broke him from the brief reprieve that his nerves had been so graciously benefitting from. mason slipped away from him as cassian’s steps faltered then halted altogether, soaking up every last free moment of sanity he was bound to have for the remainder the day (or, more likely, the entire week). he stepped into the cool, pleasantly air-conditioned grand home, pulling his ray bans from his face and tucking them neatly into the pocket of his floral-printed shirt. he didn’t have to look up the stairs to feel the presence that was stationed at the top of them. cassian had been able to pinpoint exactly where she stood from the moment he’d entered the room, a malign attribute of his that he had previously considered to be a gift.

he made it a point to approach lyla first, sweeping the familiar girl into his arms, giving her his sincere blessings, despite knowing that he could have experienced all of this himself already… despite the sour taste that was left in his mouth as it hit him, not for the first time (or even close to it), that it had been six months, and he was still trying to figure out exactly why. with his chin hooked over her best friend’s shoulder, cassian’s gaze finally and helplessly snapped to sutton. his eyes met hers immediately, and the unease engulfing his gut swiftly returned. she was somehow the same, like if he tried hard enough he could pretend that no time had passed. that his whole world wasn’t standing an entire (and entirely long) length of a staircase away from him, in clothes he had no recollection of. 

unavoidably smitten – those were the exact words he had used to describe the first night they’d met, a blind date set up by the very people they were there to celebrate. they were the words he’d told her a week later, when she noticed the way his eyes never strayed from her lips, how he loathed to move his hands from her hips. it was the same feeling he was weakly trying to squash as he took her in for the first time since she walked away from him. he was still as un-fucking-avoidably smitten as he was when he’d watched her feet move while she danced across his apartment, and when he’d later found something she’d accidentally left behind after dividing their things. the previous joy mixed with a reaction so wholly crippling, it was damn near impossible to differentiate the two now. 

she wasn’t the last person he made the effort to greet, but he intentionally didn’t clamber over to her with the vigor that was still pulsing somewhere in his chest. he continuously glanced her way as he said his hello’s – cassian wasn’t going to bother to pretend that he could keep his eyes off of her. he held no interest in convincing her that he was doing fine. he didn’t feel any shame, he only wondered if she could see the dark circles under his eyes, and if she somehow knew about the nearly empty bottle of melatonin he took on the nights where he was exhausted past the point of coherency, and still yet found himself unable to sleep. he was curious to know if she hadn’t lost the ability to sense his moods, if that talent of hers had lingered after months apart. could she see that he was a lost boy without her? a small smile briefly tickled one corner of his mouth as ‘we’re following the leader’ bounced around his brain another time – he could at least find the humor in that.

‘hey,’ he said as he advanced toward her, a tight grin on his cheeks, hands dangling lamely at his sides. ‘it’s good to see you.’ a bold-faced lie, but he extended one arm out of a hug regardless. he’d been dreading this weekend for ages. hell, half of those sleeping pills were the cure to the anxiety that coursed through him at the thought of spending a week with his ex. arguably the love of his life, if anyone asked him on a good day. ‘i’m actually glad to be catching you so early on.’ the smile was still pasted on his face, even though he was positive sutton could see right through it. still, he was being nice. he promised tyler he would be nice. ‘do you have a minute?’

sutton was sure that nothing could have prepared her for his arrival -- she knew the weeks of anticipating this very moment were futile now, as large, boot-clad feet crossed the threshold. it was as if she was being doused in ice water, seeing him after what had been months of avoidance; suddenly blind when old pictures re-emerged as she tore apart her desk in search of something that was ultimately rendered useless the moment she stumbled upon the photographs, falling deaf at the slightest mention of his name, even in passing -- even when it was printed right before her eyes, black and white, besides hers on an invitation penned with what had once been their address. so she allowed herself this small, selfish gift, watching him unabashedly as he moved through the small group of people gathered at the foot of the stairs, the murmurs and bright bursts of laughter blurring together with the faces she usually could pick out of a crowd with ease. she could hardly focus on anything else, her breath caught in her throat alongside her pride, knowing that these days spent in such close quarters would prove more difficult a feat than she could have ever imagined. 

she noticed his hair first. when they had first met, a flare of heat had rushed through her entire being, setting her veins alight with a kind of desire that had made her question her intentions -- she wasn’t often so flustered by something as vapid or shallow as someone’s appearance, but the sweep of the boy’s curls, the way he had them tucked behind his small ears, was enough to have her questioning everything she had been forged of, had her wondering if she was just like all of the girls she would often poke fun at for falling in love so easily. but she had known then. known that this man would be her greatest devastation, had known when his cheek dimpled and his eyes shone with a warmth that mirrored her own. always graceful, sutton had always been privy to finding her balance, staying grounded even when the foundation chipped away, ragged and dangerous, but the moment she had laid eyes on him, she was tripping over her own two feet. even now, she felt breathless with the plunge of her heart, the spike of adrenaline singing through her veins; and it wasn’t terror she felt, but worry. with him here, she was incapable of escaping the fret that threatened to consume her. 

sutton couldn’t bring herself to hate that it had been years since cassian had taken her fear out of falling. 

her eyes followed his every movement, the way he greeted everyone with quiet pleasantries, the gravel of his voice stirring something dark within her, so much so that her rogued cheeks flushed a deeper shade of pink, a rose stain across her fair complexion. she felt ashamed almost instantly, regret following not long after as she scolded herself for becoming so overwhelmed; her discipline was already so close to splintering, and she despised it, resenting the very fact that cassian had always been the one to sway her focus. she let the faltering moment ebb into nothing but a quiet, dull ache that she knew would stay hampered down with her great effort, and tried her best to keep her expression schooled as she continued to observe. it’s only when she watched cassian pull lyla into a warm embrace that red creeps into her vision, a seething jealousy blooming in her chest like a poisonous plant, intent on slicing into her heart and making her bleed out slowly enough to watch that smile be aimed at someone else. 

only does the tinge of red dissipate as their eyes meet. she can tell instantly that the look was calculated, perfectly timed to settle on her as his chin was hooked over the shoulder of her closest friend -- and she’s nothing if not a performer, a girl who was able to maintain face and stay en pointe without missing a beat -- and her only reaction is to stare at him back. to keep his gaze until he inevitably breaks it, only to meet it again. and again, and again. 

she’s still speechless by the time he reached the stairs, ascending them at a pace that only builds her anticipation; she hadn’t thought about what it would be like to be in the same room for him for longer than necessary, but now, she was wholly unprepared as she realized that she would have to see him up close. that she would have to smell him again, the reminder of his scent alone enough to have her mouth watering like she was no more than a feral animal. it was enough to have her flushing with embarrassment once more, and the blush still stained her cheeks as he finally stood before her, his voice like the rumble of a mower across a grass lawn, the scrape of gravel against her driveway. she pretended not to notice the way his smile seemed pinned to his cheeks, some invisible force pulling the corners of his mouth upwards in an attempt to seem kind, friendly, when in reality it was no more than a half-grimace, a pained expression only emphasized by the purplish bruises that stained the pallidness of his skin. it took so much, it took everything, then, for her to speak, to not break into a sob at the sight of him. so different, yet still the boy she had loved more and more with each passing day. 

‘hi,’ she breathed, a smile so soft and genuine warming the early iciness of her features. as he gestured for what could have only been and awkward embrace, sutton instead stretched on the tips of her toes the same moment her fingers brushed agains the crook of his extended arm in appeasement, opting to place a kiss on his cheek. or, as close as she could get, settling for the spot beside the birthmark at the edge of his mouth, before she’s peering up at him. she knew she was capable, knew she could endure as she survived each passing second in his presence. she was strong, kind -- genuine in such a way that she reminded himself of the importance he once possessed, despite the way everything was now so askew. but she was thrown off by his request, knowing what it entailed. he wanted to speak with her, and he wanted to do it alone. she wasn’t selfish or pitiful enough to believe he wanted to speak to her about something personal, so she withdrew her arm with her natural grace, before nodding along with his request. ‘of course. we could speak in there,’ she pointed, gesturing towards from where the girls had earlier emerged, ‘if you like.’ she added, lashes fluttering as she watched him, waiting and unsure.

[suttonattwood-blog]

the softness inside of her was something that had hardened long ago -- a softness that she had once been desperate to give with open palms, a warmth that had been ignited by her blind naivety and sweet disposition, was one that was now hardly embers, yearning to be kindled into being felt. but her emotions were nothing but a dull ache, a reminder that she was far from who she used to be -- the girl who viewed the world through rose-colored lenses, seeing everything with a light that could have shone through an enduring darkness. 

‘sutton?’

it was an effort to listen, to respond to the address-- she felt like her heart was wilting in her chest, the petals of despair brown and crisp, reminders of the love she had lost. so she tries, pulls herself from the depths of her despair and finds that even ground, reminds herself that this feeling, this ache, couldn’t be forever. she engages, smiles and speaks when she’s meant to, dotes and plays the part she’s expected to. talks about her dancing with her best friend, gushes about the boy that’s meant to be healing her heart. and sutton plays it well that even she believes that maybe, just maybe, she’ll be okay. it’s when she’s on the cusp of hope, so close to feeling capable of bearing it, words that once would have spurred excitement ignited nothing but a fiery dread that made her choke on the flames of her longing. here. tyler, alex, mason, kennedy, and ... she couldn’t help but avoid the name. 

lyla was practically alight with her excitement at seeing her fiancé, the rest of the bridesmaids twittering like birds as they moved across the room, sutton falling behind. she couldn’t help but envy their bliss -- the way they must have felt nothing but happiness and joy for their friend, the first of them to marry. guilt curdled in sutton’s stomach at the idea of it, of how she was intended to be wed long before tyler had even proposed. so she follows with a quiet reluctance, the rest of the women far ahead, already having descended the spiral staircase leading into the foyer. 

and sutton doesn’t even have the chance to trail down the steps before she’s at the balustrade, her thin fingers gripping the rail as she sees him step over the threshold.

[suttonattwood-blog]

SUTTON ATTWOOD — AESTHETIC SERIES 001/ ???

white linen, mint tea, calloused feet, pink tutus, ballet flats, balloon letters, dainty jewelry, cozy sweaters, twinkle lights, glittery eyeshadow, candy hearts, hardcover books, popped bubblegum, & vanilla candles.

[peachghosts]

[graceburgess]

[andantegrazioso-deactivated2018]

Rythme satiné | Ballet Vlaanderen