Hi idk if ur still doing advice stuff but if you are I have some concerns about boundaries and setting them. When I hear other people talk about it I can understand why setting boundaries is helpful and beneficial but whenever I try and do it I immediately fear that I'm cutting off a connection with someone/losing something and end up not sticking to the boundaries I set. Do you feel that? Is there a way to work through it?
here’s the deal. boundaries don’t have to be like a fortress with a moat of fire around it. they can be, but they don’t have to be. a boundary just a defense - and that means any kind of defense. which means it can take many forms.
my family members have caused me a lot of stress. they’re not outright abusive, just like, some narcissistic tendencies, some neglect, some cluelessness; and they tend to barge into your life, ask too many questions, go through your things, come over when not invited, demand to see me, etc.
if you are trying to draw boundaries with people like this, here’s what i do:
specify how we can connect, and
limit the information i give them.
my mom has the tendency to spiral into long phone calls of complaints, or talking about her diets. i don’t like it when we have these conversations. so when i call her, i’ll say, “hey mama! i’m just calling for a moment, i’ve had a long day and i’m really tired. how are you?” chat chat chat, look at the clock, around 5-10 minutes say “hey mama, i love you, but i have to go, ok? i have a lot of stuff to do. i’ll call you again this weekend. love you bye!”
then i don’t answer her calls, if she calls again; i will text and say “hey mama! busy right now - let’s chat this weekend.” then i call again on the weekend. another brief chat. i got things to do. and you know what – if the conversation is nice, i don’t mind talking to my mom for a while. but as soon as she does the complaining, or comparing me to my brother, or talking about gluten, or whatever, i’m like “ok! i gotta go! bye!”
a boundary can be as simple as that.
you can even put limits on physical visits. i’ve been doing it more often as an adult and it rules. i tell my dad: “you can come over anytime between 3pm-5pm, but at 5pm i’m going to start cooking dinner, so that would be a good time for you to leave.” if he comes over and chats with me, then i notice it’s close to 5pm, i get up and say “ok! i gotta start cooking dinner. i’ll see you another time. bye!”
specify how you will connect
i blocked my mom on instagram and blocked her from seeing a lot of stuff on facebook. she didn’t notice the facebook stuff but she did notice the instagram one. she asked why and i said “it’s kinda just for friends only,” and she made a sad face emoji back to me, and i was like “sorry mom! boundaries!” then added “it’s really just for talking to my friends, we can still email and call and you can text me whenever you want :)”
what’s funny is that i’m always reminding my mom about these ways she can contact me - i would love it if she wrote me a letter, either a physical letter or an email. but instead it seems like she wants to, very specifically, see all my photos and comment on them, and google my name. so odd. and she wants me to call her, then i call her and she’s like “i miss you, i wish we could talk more.” but i remind her that she can totally call me whenever she wants! leave a voicemail! arrange a time to talk! but she never calls me! parents can be very silly like that.
anyway, the important thing is that i set the rules of engagement. i offer, i negotiate, but i don’t accept anything that makes me uncomfortable.
another example: my dad keeps inviting me to his girlfriend’s house. i don’t particularly like going to her house or hanging out with her. she’s my age, so… it’s awkward. he invites me and my response is always: “hmmm sorry i can’t go! i’ll see you on the 20th though!” or whenever we have arranged a meetup with just the two of us, me and my dad.
my parents are extremely nosy. i have been learning a skill that my younger brother has mastered: the art of grey rocking.
“grey rock” means basically that you commit to responding w/o emotion and very little info when you notice people with bad boundaries trying to bait you. my parents are very hard on my little brother so he’s quite good at this.
my parents tease him, goad him, ask him why isn’t he doing this thing, or that thing, why can’t he do this thing, what is he up to, who is he dating, etc, and my brother’s responses are always just a shrug and a non-committal answer: “hmm.” “yeah.” “i dunno.” “it is what it is.”
my parents go easier on me, but i know that they’re often trying to mine for info to use against each other, or him, or other family members, or to see if they can control something in my life, whatever… and i have learned that really the best thing is to be like: “nope, haven’t heard anything.” “nope, i’m not working on anything.” “what am i up to? oh, just busy, you know. lot of busywork.” “i’m just a little tired.” “mom’s doing her thing.” “dad is doing his thing.” “lil bro is just doing his thing.” etc.
i also make sure that, if we’re connected on social media, family gets placed on special privacy lists. they don’t see most of the stuff i post.
i have also done this with acquaintances with whom i don’t feel comfortable, or friends with whom i had a falling out… make lots of privacy lists, or secret social media accounts.
how to stick to soft but firm boundaries
just notice how good it feels when you limit the people who drive you nuts. my parents used to be a huge source of stress in my life. they’re still a source of stress, but now they only get to see me or talk to me on MY terms. i’m not at their beck and call anymore.
a couple of times i’ve even said outright what bothered me – “mom, i really don’t like it when you talk about diet stuff.” “dad, please stop grilling me for details about my brother’s life, if he wants to let you know, he’ll tell you.” they heard it, they understood it, they stopped for a little while, then gradually they started again. but i don’t feel bad about grey rocking them / changing the subject / saying “ok i gotta go” because they know my feelings because i told them so. and like. i’m an adult and i have shit to do.
i am a libra and allegedly libras are very good at never cutting off contact ever, or never giving the appearance of doing so, because they hate burning bridges, but keeping people on secret shit lists instead. i think that’s a good way to go about things. lmao.
in all seriousness, i really have blocked certain people and burned those bridges, but only in cases where people have been outed as abusers. if you have abusers in your life, don’t be afraid to cut them out completely. i HATE burning bridges but tbh if you have a bridge that takes you to shitheadville you should blow up that bridge.
when i say no i feel guilty, boundaries by henry cloud, not nice
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