I have this fantasy where I just show up again to be with you. It always involves opening the door to your room and walking straight into your arms for a long hug. Then we kiss a lot and fall asleep together in your bed.
I hate how much more I fall in love with you when I’m forced to be apart from you. I hate the little taste of life that I get with you in little 2 or 3 week increments. I hate it because even though I’m scared every time I visit you and have to readjust to being with you, I inevitably fall so hard for you and can’t imagine what my life would be like without you. The worst part is I don’t hate it at all. I love you and all I want is to be with you. I miss you lots and I’m trying to grieve it out until the next time I see you.
To be honest, I forgot this blog existed for a while. But then I came back here and started scrolling through all of the posts and was flooded with all of the memories of the past. This one hit me like a ton of bricks. This must’ve been after the last time I visited you. I never saw you again. I really loved you. When I read what I wrote about you, I still do. It’s been over 2 years now and I don’t really think how I feel about you is going to change. I think that’s fine. You were my first true love and I don’t want to forget that feeling because it only happens once. I’ve learned to live without you, but it’s not easy. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You still cross my mind all of the time just like I knew you would if we didn’t make it. Little things here and there remind me of you, sometimes out of no where. Sometimes they’re happy and sometimes sad. Mostly heartbreaking because of the life we didn’t get to have together. I mostly think it’s my fault I didn’t try hard enough. I’m so sorry I hurt you. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do and I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for it. Sometimes I hate you for giving up on us, but I’m mostly angry at myself for causing it. Then again it’s probably nobody’s fault really. Just bad circumstances. There was no way I was mature enough at the time to move across the country for you and know if it was the right thing to do. And there’s no way you really knew what you wanted out of the relationship because deep down you were just scared. I was too. I know that now that I’m older and I’m learning so much about myself and what I want. So it’s okay. I truly don’t regret anything because I had some of the best years of my life with you. I really mean that. You were an amazing partner and best friend. I’m sure you’re with someone else by now which wouldn’t surprise me because you’re so incredibly sweet and lovable. As much as it hurts to have missed my chance, I would never deny you that happiness even if it means it isn’t with me. At least I was so incredibly lucky to have been loved by you once before. Letting you be happy is how I let you go when we broke up. When I realized I couldn’t hurt you any longer and that setting you free hurt less than watching you be in pain. That’s how much I loved you. That’s how I choose to remember you and us. I hope you’re always doing well. And if you ever think the stars align again for us to talk again then you know where to find me.
