They said it was terminal. Dad said “I’ll be back,” few months after his prognosis. While you’re not physically here, I feel you presently. Your spirit now lives in the walls of this house Val and I grew up in. It lives in the laughs and nurture from dear family and friends who have been so enduring throughout this whole journey. It lives in the aching howls of Littlefoot and Nugget who have patiently pressed their noses against the glass doors on wonderment from the commotion happening indoors. Your body is not here, but you are everywhere.
They said love will make you feel good. Dad said, “I love you more,” as his final words to me. I know what that love is, and it isn’t all feel-goods. It’s not suppose to be. You only know how strong your love is by embracing the toughest challenges. As infallible creatures, we are destined for hardships – but what helps soothes the pain after a fight, what helps eases the situation despite the difficulty, and what enables us to move forward after a loss is all in the sweet bearings of love. This love that makes me miss you and wish you were still here is the same love which will help me remain strong and continue my life.
You have instilled an unconditional love in me that I fervently search this world for this type of ardor and dedication. In everything I invest myself in and the people I choose to protect and tirelessly care for is cause you and mom showed me that this love exists.
They said in the final days it’s important to say everything you need to say so that there is no regret. I whispered, “It’s okay to let go, dad. Mom, Val, and I will be okay,” to him countless times before his final breathes. Death isn’t a popular, trending topic in our society. It seems like discussing death is a big taboo. There are countless books, seminars, etc. teaching people how to live their lives and how to be successful. Equally so, I believe we should talk about how to deal with the counter of life, death. It’s not something I look forward to, but it’s also something we can’t avoid. So here it is in writing, my act of dealing with the loss of a great human being. The man who always found a reason to laugh. I will miss that laugh. So much. The father who was incredibly involved in his daughters’ school activities (more so, our lives in general.) The husband who has been the one and only to my mom her whole life. This man is the hero.
In every shadow, there is light.
Every tear, there is a smile.
Even in death, there is life.
The lives you’ve touched
Is where your force remains.
Enjoy paradise, papa. Until then, I’ll be dreaming of you.
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